Fotolia - © Jason Stitt
I waited very impatiently staring out the picture window. The diaper bag packed hours ago rested on the floor by my feet. I held on tightly to the bundle of screaming baby in my arms and I thought angrily,
“Where is he?”
Minutes passed.
My teeth clenched.
Half an hour passed.
My heart pounded.
An hour passed.
Foot tapping anxiously.
When my husband finally came in the door to greet us my eyes scrunched with so much anger I was sure that he had felt it pierce his soul.
“What is the matter?” he said.
“What’s the matter? What’s the matter? We were supposed to meet my parents an hour ago for fish and chips,” I said, my tone of voice getting louder and more forceful.
“Oh I forgot. Well we can go now,” he said reaching for our baby out of my arms.
“We can’t go now. It’s done. We do this every year on Good Friday and you ruined it,” I hollered.
“Babe, I didn’t ruin it. We can still go and get fish and chips!”
“You don’t get it. We missed my family because you’re a jerk who can’t remember our stupid dinner plans. Plans that we do every year!”
He started to walk away with our screaming infant. I hated that he just walked away and never fought back and without thinking I kicked my foot through a wicker chair.
You see, postpartum depression gave me something fiercer than tears and anxiety.
That betch gave me anger so uncontrollable that not only did it scare me, but scared the people around me.
Yes I, Kimberly, the once meek and shy girl, turned into a raging hostile shat storm of hormonal and chemically imbalanced monster.
And it didn’t take much to ignite that fiery monster within me. It billowed in my stomach every day just waiting for the right moment to combust outwards and it didn’t matter who or what it was directed towards. Dishes, walls, wicker chairs, family and friends, and worse directed towards myself in the form of self-mutilation.
No one or nothing was safe from it.
It was terribly irrational and I couldn’t control it.
Family and friends were afraid of me.
I was afraid of me.
So what things rocked my tension scale?
- The way my husband slurps his soup.
- The way my brother just trampled in the house with his shoes still on.
- The way my dog barked to go outside the second I sat down.
- Changing a diaper again after changing it 0.2 nanoseconds ago.
- The lady who rammed her cart into the back of my heels.
- Anybody who wanted to give me advice on how to parent.
- Dog hair on the floor
- The house wasn’t clean enough.
- So on and so on
Everything.
I felt so ugly inside.
My psychiatrist said that anger and irritability were symptoms of postpartum depression and we worked really hard together at finding the right medication combinations and talking to get me through it.
I also have a little black book that my husband has dubbed the “black bonkers book” where I immediately write down what made me mad. It puts my anger on the paper and I can walk away from it.
Oh, and then there is mommy time out.
Yes, I’m 30 years old and I take a time out either in my room or in the bathroom. It helps to just remove yourself from a situation and just breathe deeply and slowly.
Since blogging, I haven’t read much about the anger and rage portion of this illness which is why I’m writing this today.
So how about you? Do you suffer from rage and irritability among your postpartum depression symptoms? What types of techniques do you use to calm yourself down? How does your family react to your behaviour?
Kimberly
Note: For more stories on anger and postpartum depression/anxiety, read these:
Stark-Raving Mad: Anger & Postpartum Depression
The Rage of Postpartum Depression
About Katherine Stone
Katherine Stone
I love your list of what things were high on the tension scale. For many of us, it can be insignificant things that send us over the edge. I remember feeling bad about that, but also like I just couldn't help myself.
- K
That was me. I was so angry all of the time. I remember turning to my husband and telling him that I was just so tired of being angry.
I could see that the anger was out of context with everything but it was there, always there, waiting for any little reason to be unleashed. I hated myself for it.
I am not on a medication that seems to have helped and I don't feel the deep seeded anger all of the time. What a relief that has been.
This.Is.So.Me!
Thanks to a fabulous social worker, I am finding ways to prevent/handle/work through it sans meds.
Glad to see I'm not the only one feeling the fire inside.
Mommy time–out is essential! I found, also, that regular exercise helped a lot with the anger part of the illness.
Oh yes….this is me! Thank you for writing this…so good and yes…I have mommy time out as well:)
Yes – this was me too. SO angry. So scarily angry. And not enough people know that anger is a symptom of depression.
When I was pregnant with my daughter, I went crazy. All the depression and OCD i'd been battling with for years (undiagnosed) flared up like an ugly monster. Anger and rage had always been a BIG part of me.. it seemed like that was how I responded to everything. And once I got pregnant, it only got worse. I knew I was being a horrible person but I couldn't do anything about it. I was seething ALL the time. Thank goodness I was finally diagnosed, put on meds, and managed to have a relatively happy last 2 months of pregnancy, and avoid PPD. I shudder to think what my DD's life would be like right now if I hadn't gotten treatment… I feel like a normal person for the first time in 16 years. Even better, I know what's wrong with me and what to do about it. I haven't gained anger management skills, exactly: I'm just not mad all the time anymore.
Thank you for posting this. I am 32 weeks along, and I have dealt with anxiety and frustration in my life before I become pregnant. I am already scared that this will happen to me, and it is reassuring to see someone come out of it. I saved your post to come back to if need be at a later time
Jenna
momofmanyhats.blogspot.com
Wow. Thank you for writing this. Looking back to 7 yrs ago, I WAS SO incredibly pissed off postpartum! This lasted for a couple of years until I balanced my hormone levels. I feel like I lost out on so many joyful new baby moments… It's sad-We don't talk about anger & PPD.
I have Depression and its true the little things can make me very upset. I notice how out of control I am with anger and sadness but also feel helpless and hopeless. I now have some lines to call if ever I feel like hurting myself or someone else. I also will be taking zoloft and seeing a therapist. I don't like how we have to jump through hoops to get the help we need when we have depression. But I know there is help out there and we can get to it eventually. good luck with your depression.
My god, you just described me nine years ago holding my first wee one feeling so damn angry. I am so sorry that I didn't know then what I know now. I would have been able to save all of us from me.
Thanks for posting this! I was/am exactly the same way. At first I didn't feel like I needed to get help for depression, because I wasn't *sad* all the time. I was just angry. I would call it a "wave of rage" that would sweep over me at seemingly random times, and unfortunately my husband and two children usually caught the brunt of it. I waited three years to get help, and I wish I had seen a post like this at the beginning. I have been on meds for three weeks now and so far so good – not one wave of rage since! Glad you found something that worked for you as well.
Oh yes! THE RAGE. Mommy Time Outs were my best friend postpartum. During the worst ones I'd literally just walk out the door without explanation. Those happened often enough that my husband and kids didn't even ask where I was going. They knew I was DONE. I'd "run away" to Target, the craft store, the book store or a long drive (great for a late night time out). I really needed that out. Thanks for writing about this!
yes, it's like there is no filter. Scary when that filter is off.
I think that the anger was the hardest part to control. And it was scary and ugly.
I think that I would actually pick at people just so they'd fight back.
I'm glad that you're getting relief from this. It's an awful emotion.
I am so glad that you're getting the anger in control. It was one of the scariest things to go through.
I totally wished that I could exercise to help get all that pent up energy out of my system. Unfortunately, I have a severe back injury that limits me in what I can do physically but I do agree that exercising is vital.
Mommy time outs are very good to re-center yourself.
That is wonderful. And you are not a horrible person. The illness is horrible. Not you.
I actually battled anxiety and aggression when I was younger. I couldn't describe what I was feeling because I was so young. Doctor told my Mom that I had heartburn and not anxiety and sent us home with Tums. Kid you not.
PPD actually started the fire that was already kindling in me. Sucks. Big. Time.
I'm sending you giant hugs. You can do this and there is an army behind you.
I know right? My anger was very violent. I threw things, broke things, I've hit my husband more times than I can count…and all on a whim.
It's like that filter that prevents you from flying off the handle is disabled.
Big giant hugs.
The fact that you have a plan in place is a very good thing. Even though you don't have hope, know that it's burried deep within you. PPD just makes it so that you can't see it. Also the people around you have hope for you. We are all here, warrior momma's army for you. Don't ever forget that.
Are you me? Because I wasn't sad either. Not in the first few weeks. My main symptoms were uncontrolled rage and anxiety. I thought I was just going "crazy" and had no idea that it was PPD
OH. MAH. GAW….I did that too. I would just grab the keys and go. I didn't know where I would end up but I knew that for my safety and their safety I just had to run.
Wow, I never thought I had PPD, but now, almost 7 months later, I do see myself having moments of uncontrollable rage which include pummeling my fists in the direction of my husband (have yet to actually hit him) and kicking things, screaming, slamming doors, saying cruel things to my husband, and feeling generally overwhelmed by anger. Thanks for this – I may speak to my doctor now.
Anger and Irritability were huge parts of my postpartum depression/anxiety/sleep issues… I spent many days taking time out outside where I couldn't hear my baby screaming in his crib because I might go in there and pick him up and throw him back in his crib, or other extremely scary thoughts I had. I spent many days walking with my baby in his stroller until my feet bled so that I could have some peace and quiet and be out in public where I knew I wouldn't do anything. That was a part of the horrible experience. Thank you for sharing your story and helping us mom's know we aren't/weren't alone!
Wow.
I've dealt with depression in some form or other for literally as long as I can remember (I'm talking toddlerhood). But I've never been a particularly angry person until having children. I find myself getting so out of control mad over things that I know aren't that big of a deal, but I can't seem to do anything about it. I'm not violent, but I do a lot of yelling. And then the yelling makes me feel bad, which makes it harder to be patient with myself, which then makes it harder to be patient with everybody else… I thought it was just because I was being a bad mom. I didn't realize it was probably linked to depression.
When does it stop being postpartum depression? I mean, my symptoms changed when my younger child was an infant, but they're still continuing and he's now 3. When does it stop being called "postpartum depression" and just become regular depression?
I'd like to know that too – when do you say I have chronic depression and not just postpartum depression?
I am so glad I found this article!! It's so me except I haven't reached the 'scary' stage yet, nor do I want to. I also feel like people only think you're sad but I'm angry & there are times I feel my blood boiling because I'm so upset. It's like I know I should stop & filter my words but all thar ugliness comes pouring out with my other kids and my husband. I hate feeling like I'm not in control & a bad wife & mother. I'm going back to my doc in hopes he listens to me & I'm going to seek counseling. I'm also going to start a journal as well. Thanks for putting your emotions out there so moms like us know we are not alone.
Oh the anger. Such intense anger that flares up and is immediately replaced by shame and guilt at getting so furiously angry over what my "rational" (meaning NON PPD) brain knows isn't a big deal!
Katherine, thank you so much for sharing. I am in tears right now. Between the 23 month old and the 7 week old I get so uncontrollably angry every-other day, I scream and yell at them and I’m scared of what could happen. Yes, I scream at a newborn. Like that solves anything. I’ve broken glass, punched walls, etc. He’s in his crib crying right now because I can’t take anymore of either of them. And now his crying has woken the other one from her nap so they’re both up there crying, but I now letting them both cry for a little bit and letting myself cool off is better than the alternative (mommy time-out!) I took anti-depressants for postpartum depression in the past but haven’t this time because I didn’t think anger equaled depression. But I’ve been so uncontrollably angry beyond reason that I had to get online and find a solution to this! Thank you for helping me, I just called the doctor’s office.