Uncontrollable Anger Can Be Part of Postpartum Depression

Uncontrollable Anger Can Be a Part of Postpartum Depression -postpartumprogress.com

I waited very impatiently staring out the picture window. The diaper bag packed hours ago rested on the floor by my feet. I held on tightly to the bundle of screaming baby in my arms and I thought angrily:

“Where is he?”

Minutes passed.

My teeth clenched.

Half an hour passed.

My heart pounded.

An hour passed.

Foot tapping anxiously.

When my husband finally came in the door to greet us, my eyes scrunched with so much anger I was sure that he had felt it pierce his soul.

“What is the matter?” he said.

“What’s the matter? What’s the matter? We were supposed to meet my parents an hour ago for fish and chips,” I said, my tone of voice getting louder and more forceful.

“Oh, I forgot. Well, we can go now,” he said reaching for our baby out of my arms.

“We can’t go now. It’s done. We do this every year on Good Friday and you ruined it,” I hollered.

“Babe, I didn’t ruin it. We can still go and get fish and chips!”

“You don’t get it. We missed my family because you’re a jerk who can’t remember our stupid dinner plans. Plans that we do every year!”

He started to walk away with our screaming infant. I hated that he just walked away and never fought back and without thinking, I kicked my foot through a wicker chair.

You see, postpartum depression gave me something fiercer than tears and anxiety.

That betch gave me anger so uncontrollable that not only did it scare me, but scared the people around me.

Yes I, Kimberly, the once meek and shy girl, turned into a raging hostile shat storm of hormonal and chemically imbalanced monster.

And it didn’t take much to ignite that fiery monster within me. It billowed in my stomach every day just waiting for the right moment to combust outwards, and it didn’t matter who or what it was directed towards. Dishes, walls, wicker chairs, family and friends, and worse directed towards myself in the form of self-mutilation.

No one or nothing was safe from it.

It was terribly irrational and I couldn’t control it.

Family and friends were afraid of me.

I was afraid of me.

So what things rocked my tension scale?

  • The way my husband slurps his soup.
  • The way my brother just trampled in the house with his shoes still on.
  • The way my dog barked to go outside the second I sat down.
  • Changing a diaper again after changing it 0.2 nanoseconds ago.
  • The lady who rammed her cart into the back of my heels.
  • Anybody who wanted to give me advice on how to parent.
  • Dog hair on the floor
  • The house wasn’t clean enough.
  • So on and so on

Everything.

I felt so ugly inside.

My psychiatrist said that anger and irritability were symptoms of postpartum depression, and we worked really hard together at finding the right medication combinations and talking to get me through it.

I also have a little black book that my husband has dubbed the “black bonkers book” where I immediately write down what made me mad. It puts my anger on the paper and I can walk away from it.

Oh, and then there is mommy time out.

Yes, I’m 30 years old and I take a time out either in my room or in the bathroom. It helps to just remove yourself from a situation and just breathe deeply and slowly.

Since blogging, I haven’t read much about the anger and rage portion of this illness which is why I’m writing this today.

So how about you? Do you suffer from rage and irritability among your postpartum depression symptoms? What types of techniques do you use to calm yourself down? How does your family react to your behavior?

– Kimberly

Note: For more stories on anger and postpartum depression/anxiety, read these:

Stark-Raving Mad: Anger & Postpartum Depression

The Rage of Postpartum Depression

About Katherine Stone

is the creator of this blog, and the founder and executive director of Postpartum Progress. She has been named a WebMD Health Hero, one of the fiercest women in America by More magazine, and one of the 15 most influential patient advocates to follow. She is a survivor of postpartum OCD.

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Comments

  1. Katherine Stone/Post says:

    I love your list of what things were high on the tension scale. For many of us, it can be insignificant things that send us over the edge. I remember feeling bad about that, but also like I just couldn't help myself.
    – K

  2. That was me. I was so angry all of the time. I remember turning to my husband and telling him that I was just so tired of being angry.
    I could see that the anger was out of context with everything but it was there, always there, waiting for any little reason to be unleashed. I hated myself for it.
    I am not on a medication that seems to have helped and I don't feel the deep seeded anger all of the time. What a relief that has been.

  3. This.Is.So.Me!
    Thanks to a fabulous social worker, I am finding ways to prevent/handle/work through it sans meds.
    Glad to see I'm not the only one feeling the fire inside.

  4. Mommy time–out is essential! I found, also, that regular exercise helped a lot with the anger part of the illness.

  5. Oh yes….this is me! Thank you for writing this…so good and yes…I have mommy time out as well:)

  6. Yes – this was me too. SO angry. So scarily angry. And not enough people know that anger is a symptom of depression.

  7. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I went crazy. All the depression and OCD i'd been battling with for years (undiagnosed) flared up like an ugly monster. Anger and rage had always been a BIG part of me.. it seemed like that was how I responded to everything. And once I got pregnant, it only got worse. I knew I was being a horrible person but I couldn't do anything about it. I was seething ALL the time. Thank goodness I was finally diagnosed, put on meds, and managed to have a relatively happy last 2 months of pregnancy, and avoid PPD. I shudder to think what my DD's life would be like right now if I hadn't gotten treatment… I feel like a normal person for the first time in 16 years. Even better, I know what's wrong with me and what to do about it. I haven't gained anger management skills, exactly: I'm just not mad all the time anymore.

    • I feel the exact way how do you get it to stop i feel like I am losing it

      • Heather King says:

        Hi April, it takes time and help, professional help. Most mamas do best with a combo of both medications and therapy. Sleep is also SO important, and that can be hard to come by, but should be a focus of recovery. Calling on the helpers in our lives is crucial to getting better. Both professionals and friends and family. If you have a partner/spouse, it is time for them to step up. If they don’t understand, have them read some of the articles on this website. I’m sending you peace!

  8. Thank you for posting this. I am 32 weeks along, and I have dealt with anxiety and frustration in my life before I become pregnant. I am already scared that this will happen to me, and it is reassuring to see someone come out of it. I saved your post to come back to if need be at a later time 🙂
    Jenna
    momofmanyhats.blogspot.com

  9. Wow. Thank you for writing this. Looking back to 7 yrs ago, I WAS SO incredibly pissed off postpartum! This lasted for a couple of years until I balanced my hormone levels. I feel like I lost out on so many joyful new baby moments… It's sad-We don't talk about anger & PPD.

  10. I have Depression and its true the little things can make me very upset. I notice how out of control I am with anger and sadness but also feel helpless and hopeless. I now have some lines to call if ever I feel like hurting myself or someone else. I also will be taking zoloft and seeing a therapist. I don't like how we have to jump through hoops to get the help we need when we have depression. But I know there is help out there and we can get to it eventually. good luck with your depression.

  11. My god, you just described me nine years ago holding my first wee one feeling so damn angry. I am so sorry that I didn't know then what I know now. I would have been able to save all of us from me.

  12. Thanks for posting this! I was/am exactly the same way. At first I didn't feel like I needed to get help for depression, because I wasn't *sad* all the time. I was just angry. I would call it a "wave of rage" that would sweep over me at seemingly random times, and unfortunately my husband and two children usually caught the brunt of it. I waited three years to get help, and I wish I had seen a post like this at the beginning. I have been on meds for three weeks now and so far so good – not one wave of rage since! Glad you found something that worked for you as well.

  13. Oh yes! THE RAGE. Mommy Time Outs were my best friend postpartum. During the worst ones I'd literally just walk out the door without explanation. Those happened often enough that my husband and kids didn't even ask where I was going. They knew I was DONE. I'd "run away" to Target, the craft store, the book store or a long drive (great for a late night time out). I really needed that out. Thanks for writing about this!

  14. yes, it's like there is no filter. Scary when that filter is off.

  15. I think that the anger was the hardest part to control. And it was scary and ugly.
    I think that I would actually pick at people just so they'd fight back.
    I'm glad that you're getting relief from this. It's an awful emotion.

  16. I am so glad that you're getting the anger in control. It was one of the scariest things to go through.

  17. I totally wished that I could exercise to help get all that pent up energy out of my system. Unfortunately, I have a severe back injury that limits me in what I can do physically but I do agree that exercising is vital.

  18. Mommy time outs are very good to re-center yourself.

  19. That is wonderful. And you are not a horrible person. The illness is horrible. Not you.

  20. I actually battled anxiety and aggression when I was younger. I couldn't describe what I was feeling because I was so young. Doctor told my Mom that I had heartburn and not anxiety and sent us home with Tums. Kid you not.
    PPD actually started the fire that was already kindling in me. Sucks. Big. Time.
    I'm sending you giant hugs. You can do this and there is an army behind you.

  21. I know right? My anger was very violent. I threw things, broke things, I've hit my husband more times than I can count…and all on a whim.
    It's like that filter that prevents you from flying off the handle is disabled.

    • I know this is old, but you have described exactly what I’m going through. I’ve hit my husband in front of our children several times now, screamed at him & my 4 year old, thrown things…I hate how I can’t get a grip! I’m on meds & seeing a therapist, but I’m scared of the long term damage I’m doing to my daughters. Being so filled with rage results in me feeling ashamed, which feeds into the anger, & on & on…I so hope & pray that I can get this under control and will recover. I’m so utterly exhausted living this way

      • Kristine, good for you for reaching out to healthcare providers. I know this is very scary, but I would hope your therapist has told you that we can create bonds with our children at any time. Studies have shown that strong attachment can help erase any damage that has been done (and that’s assuming any damage has been done – which you don’t know). All is NOT lost. You’re doing the right things by getting help and working toward getting better. Keep communicating with your therapist and your doctor!

        • This is a while since the post but I just came across this and I felt myself being described. I’m.on medicine but I am trying to get off it and I get r such rage. Especially when I’m sick and have three kids to watch. I’m scared in damaging then, I just hit my 5 yr old after asking him about twenty times bit to do something. I’m not managing

          • Heather King says:

            Sara, it sounds like you could use more help. Talk with your doctor about your struggle. Maybe they will decide with you that now is not the time to go off of medicine. If you are struggling like this, you need help, mama. We all need help managing sometimes and asking for that help is so brave.

  22. Big giant hugs.
    The fact that you have a plan in place is a very good thing. Even though you don't have hope, know that it's burried deep within you. PPD just makes it so that you can't see it. Also the people around you have hope for you. We are all here, warrior momma's army for you. Don't ever forget that.

  23. Are you me? Because I wasn't sad either. Not in the first few weeks. My main symptoms were uncontrolled rage and anxiety. I thought I was just going "crazy" and had no idea that it was PPD

  24. OH. MAH. GAW….I did that too. I would just grab the keys and go. I didn't know where I would end up but I knew that for my safety and their safety I just had to run.

  25. Wow, I never thought I had PPD, but now, almost 7 months later, I do see myself having moments of uncontrollable rage which include pummeling my fists in the direction of my husband (have yet to actually hit him) and kicking things, screaming, slamming doors, saying cruel things to my husband, and feeling generally overwhelmed by anger. Thanks for this – I may speak to my doctor now.

  26. Anger and Irritability were huge parts of my postpartum depression/anxiety/sleep issues… I spent many days taking time out outside where I couldn't hear my baby screaming in his crib because I might go in there and pick him up and throw him back in his crib, or other extremely scary thoughts I had. I spent many days walking with my baby in his stroller until my feet bled so that I could have some peace and quiet and be out in public where I knew I wouldn't do anything. That was a part of the horrible experience. Thank you for sharing your story and helping us mom's know we aren't/weren't alone!

  27. Wow.
    I've dealt with depression in some form or other for literally as long as I can remember (I'm talking toddlerhood). But I've never been a particularly angry person until having children. I find myself getting so out of control mad over things that I know aren't that big of a deal, but I can't seem to do anything about it. I'm not violent, but I do a lot of yelling. And then the yelling makes me feel bad, which makes it harder to be patient with myself, which then makes it harder to be patient with everybody else… I thought it was just because I was being a bad mom. I didn't realize it was probably linked to depression.
    When does it stop being postpartum depression? I mean, my symptoms changed when my younger child was an infant, but they're still continuing and he's now 3. When does it stop being called "postpartum depression" and just become regular depression?

  28. I'd like to know that too – when do you say I have chronic depression and not just postpartum depression?

  29. I am so glad I found this article!! It's so me except I haven't reached the 'scary' stage yet, nor do I want to. I also feel like people only think you're sad but I'm angry & there are times I feel my blood boiling because I'm so upset. It's like I know I should stop & filter my words but all thar ugliness comes pouring out with my other kids and my husband. I hate feeling like I'm not in control & a bad wife & mother. I'm going back to my doc in hopes he listens to me & I'm going to seek counseling. I'm also going to start a journal as well. Thanks for putting your emotions out there so moms like us know we are not alone.

  30. Oh the anger. Such intense anger that flares up and is immediately replaced by shame and guilt at getting so furiously angry over what my "rational" (meaning NON PPD) brain knows isn't a big deal!

  31. Pennylane says:

    Katherine, thank you so much for sharing. I am in tears right now. Between the 23 month old and the 7 week old I get so uncontrollably angry every-other day, I scream and yell at them and I’m scared of what could happen. Yes, I scream at a newborn. Like that solves anything. I’ve broken glass, punched walls, etc. He’s in his crib crying right now because I can’t take anymore of either of them. And now his crying has woken the other one from her nap so they’re both up there crying, but I now letting them both cry for a little bit and letting myself cool off is better than the alternative (mommy time-out!) I took anti-depressants for postpartum depression in the past but haven’t this time because I didn’t think anger equaled depression. But I’ve been so uncontrollably angry beyond reason that I had to get online and find a solution to this! Thank you for helping me, I just called the doctor’s office.

  32. vanessa williams says:

    I was googling postpartum anger and this popped up, it seems like its a lot more common than I thought it would of been, and even though my baby is three months old in one day, my anger problem is stronger than ever, and getting worse day by day, I get mad that there isnt enough time in a day to get everything done, or i get mad at myself for being to tired to even want to start cleaning, I get so enraged over the fact that I’m always the one that has to feed the baby at night even if my husband is off from work, I get mad when I’m corrected, or when I’m woken up.. and if someone decides to do something completely stupid and uncalled for I’m ready to rip off their head…. I even get mad at myself for getting mad!!! Gr!! Postpartum sucks..

  33. I am so glad I found this! I had been feeling crazy. I the exact same, I actually bit through an ink pen yesterday. The only difference is I also have a toddler who usually takes the brunt of me yelling. It’s terrifying.

    • Have you talked to your doctor? Your anger may be a sign of depression, or perhaps even severe stress that could benefit from some therapy, so reach out. It’s worth it for you and your child. It’s okay to need to support and ask for help. Really!
      ~ K

  34. I know this is an old post but thank you for this. I struggled through uncontrollable anger with my first child post partum and now have it again with my second. I was confused because I don’t feel depressed and so assumed it was not part of PPD. I had no idea there was post partum anxiety/OCD until I finally talked to my doc yesterday and it led me to this. I too wish there was more visibility into this since I think alot of people deal with it alone.

    • Don’t feel bad Hannah! Most people don’t know. It’s not just you. Lots of women are confused by the fact that they don’t feel depressed but are still miserable – postpartum anxiety is very prevalent, as is anger as a symptom of PPD. I’m so glad you reached out for help!
      ~ K

  35. Like you I had uncontrollable anger and rage towards my husband after our son was born. I was never a really angry person so I fault so bad all the time which kept the rage going. I had always thought postpartum was being sad, didn’t really know about angry.

    The worst part was the fact that I have the sweetest most caring husband, who would work Monday-Friday outside in the elements but still come home and cook dinner and take care of our son. This just made me more angry because it made me feel like a horrible wife and mom.

    Once I started to realize my angry was more about the fact that I grew up wanted people to feel sorry for me and my husband made that impossible I was able to see my angry for what it was.

  36. I have bipolar, have been on meds since 2008, and responded very well to it. I had my son in May 2010, and thanks to the care of all my amazing drs, i had no post natal depression! I had my daughter December 2012, still have the amazing drs, but 1 year and a few days later, i still have post natal depression. We have adjusted my meds as much as possible, as i am still breastfeeding, and most of the symptoms are gone, but the anger and rage just won’t hit the road, and the worst of all is that it seems that my son is most of the time at the receiving end. I love my children and husband more than words can say, but i have days where i feel like i just want to pack my bags and leave. I hate myself and who i am in those moments of rage that seems to be lingering most days. On “normal day”, i am a calm, sensitive and loving person who goes out of my way for others, and on the other days, it seems i am the monster mommy . . . . it breaks my heart!

    • So sorry you’re dealing with this Mariaan. I’m sure it feels awful. I’m glad you are working with your doctor. Make sure to let him or her know that you’re having this rage as a symptom of your postnatal depression and that it doesn’t seem to be abating despite your treatment plan. See what else he or she might suggest to help you. And hang in there. Rage is definitely a surprising and terrible symptom of PND.

      • I just found this link, I have been angry I think since my son was about 6 weeks old and he is now 2.5 I have been seeing a dr and therapist and in meds this whole time and nothing really works or helps me long term, I’m ok for a few days then it hits again. It’s usually my son not sleeping or grizzling that sets me off and I get so angry I feel like I could hurt him but don’t. No one really believes me that I get that angry or thinks its a problem except my husband and he makes me feel worse about it as he tells me I’m basically a terrible mother and is not supportive at all just tells me to sort my s#%^ out! That makes it worse. I am so ashamed I feel angry towards a 2.5 yr old but motherhood is not what I bargained on and I hate myself for it. I just had another episode tonight when my son scammed for 2 hours before bed and I went ballistic at my husband.
        What else will help? I’m glad I saw that it can be part of post Partum though now I can ask my dr specifically about that. Thanks for your post.

  37. It makes me so angry (ha, note the emotion there!) that PPD is defined as teariness, becoming easily overwhelmed and having feelings of hopelessness. I’m sorry but f#*! that definition. There is such an overwhelming cry for help from such an overwhelming number of women who experience uncontrollable and uncharacteristic RAGE postpartum I can hardly believe it has not been addressed by the mental health community. I know women who have put there fists through walls, attacked their husbands, screamed at complete strangers, become so enraged at other drivers they tried to run them off the road, broken furniture, electronics, dishes, glasses, beat themselves over the head with blunt objects screaming for it to stop and I just read of a woman who sliced her arms open to release the pain. So why is “anger” not addressed when we go to counselling for PPD, or read in the definition for that matter? Why are so many women wrongly diagnosed when they reach out for help from mental health professionals? I’ve heard of everything from mania to borderline personality, when it seems so painfully obvious that this is a hallmark of postpartum. My whole life I have been the most docile mild tempered person- I don’t think I have EVER had an angry outburst at anyone- EVER. Always passive, always a people pleaser. My baby girl was born four months ago and since then my anger is like an out of body experience, I am so shocked at myself and what I am capable of it’s like watching from third person in horror. I literally lose control- I become so angry the muscles in my face start to tremble and twitch. I hear the words I’m saying come out of my mouth with such seething venom I can hardly believe they are mine, or that my voice could sound so terrifying. I have WANTED to strangle my husband, throw things at his head and hit him. I have screamed in his face to go F$#*! himself- I was as shocked at this as he was- and then painfully and repetitively apologized when I realized how out of control I was and how ridiculous I had acted. Last night I became so enraged when my husband would not accept a bun I had warmed him up for dinner it took me two hours and a drive to calm down. Thank you for your posts- and please- let’s keep talking and stay honest- it’s obvious we know what’s going on, but the people who are diagnosing and treating us don’t!

    • Alison- I could have written the comment you made. The uncontrollable rage is unbelievable and terrifying. My husband and I are in counselling and I can’t tell you how many times I have screamed that I’m leaving him. You are absolutely correct in saying it’s like an out of body experience. I too look forward to the day the medical community actually addresses this as a symptom of PPD, rather than some kind of Major Mood Disorder (which is what I have been hospitalized for in the past 6 months). Until that time, I’m glad we have this forum to share our struggles and know we aren’t alone or crazy.

  38. Jeanne Sullivan says:

    Thank you for posting! This is me right now. 3 mo post partum and a raging lunatic half the time. It started out slow…little things that made me mad like my husband sleeping in while I got up with the kids for hours in the morning while he was reading the paper in bed, the fact that he hasn’t cooked in 8 years but made himself dinner without making any for the rest of the family, not being able to afford a piece of chocolate cake because of our savings commitment to buy a house….then bigger things…my son witnessed some domestic abuse on our walk through the park, while I was running some kids barked at me and shouted insults at me as I ran past, a friend made fun of the gift I got for her baby shower and everyone laughed at me…things like that made me this cynical, ugly, hateful person. I’m not sure what to do. But it’s nice to know others are going through this also.

  39. My wife has suffered from rage since the birth of our first child six years ago, it erupts for such minor things every day [ her record is two days without yelling] our children and I have been her emotional punching bag for so long I find it hard to remember the wonderful beautiful woman I married.

    After a couple of years of this constant abuse I became depressed and withdrawn myself and unable to give the emotional support my wife so desperately needed, for this I will never forgive myself, I have since gotten professional help and have improved a great deal.

    I have received so many threats and demands for divorce I have lost count, the last one was because I bought the wrong chocolate, she won’t listen when her family and I ask her to see a professional for help, this is seen as “gaslighting” or trying to tell her that she is crazy, everything is always the fault of somebody else.

    She has alienated all her friends she has none left, most of her family can’t take it any longer and the list grows.

    I have had a lot of tragedy in my life loved ones murdered, suicides, abusive childhood etc but this is the hardest and most painful thing I have been through in my life, I cry every day and I just can’t take it much longer, I’m in so much pain.

    I know that depression hits different people in different ways and don’t blame her or have any resentment for her rage and abuse, I do however have some resentment that she has never sought help, there is no shame in seeking help, we all need help at times, so please ladies if you can’t get help for yourself do it for the people you love and for your children, I know you are going through hell at the moment but there are people who will do everything they can to show the love and support you need to get through this if you will only let them, don’t let PPD destroy your marriage and personal relationships.

    I’m sorry if I don’t make much sense I can barely see the keyboard through my tears, just thought it might be good for all of you to get a different perspective from a husbands point of view.

    • I’m glad I found this I think I fit right in and dam everything above, didnt realise it but need to go to the doctors next wk.

    • I feel so bad reading this because your wife sounds like me! I only have a newborn but I am SO full of rage..I’m in a city I hate and husband is overbearing (good Dad) and wants to keep his son in bubble and I just can’t seem to do anything right or find the positives..Not to mention when you’re a mom EVERYONE criticizes you and tells you how to do things.

      I think I have a right to be mad but for a few minutes in between the rage I read something like this and think..I am YOUR wife..to my husband..and I don’t want to be like this..It’s crippling..but I also do feel like I’ve been caged and I’m miserable and many things have built up for a long time that weren’t necessarily in my control or my fault and finally..I just explode..and it keeps going.

    • Isabelle Scorcia says:

      Hope everything has gotten better for your family since you wrote this. She is lucky to have you. Thank you for your message.

  40. Thank you for creating this forum. First off id like to start by Letting everyone know that I am still currently pregnant. 22 weeks and all I do is fight with my husband. I have no idea why. Last night was the straw though. I threw everything I could get my hands on at him. I flipped the coffee table in the living room. I hit him. My feelings of anger stem from not feeling wanted. I don’t feel the same and I certainly am not. I have dealt with anger for my whole life. When I was a teenager I would get into bouts of rage and throw things at my siblings and parents. I would blame them, even though the root of the problem is me. I don’t know how to handle my feelings. I have read that journaling may help. I am going to give that a try. I just don’t want to put him through this ever again but I know I can’t promise that I won’t ever be angry. I don’t know if more medication will help. I have epilepsy and am already taking more pills than my grandma. I just want to nip it in the butt. I know that my baby can feel what I’m feeling and I’m afraid I’m going to lose my family if I can’t get this under control. I don’t know what to do.

    • Sara, you are right that this kind of anger isn’t normal. As a non-medical person I can’t tell you what’s causing it, but perhaps you could consider seeing a therapist and sharing with that person exactly what you have shared with us here — what kinds of things trigger your anger, how it feels when you have it, how often it happens, etc. There are anger management tools the therapist could help you to learn that could help you find healthier ways to deal with your anger.

  41. Yes. This is me. My youngest is almost one and it’s almost as though I feel as though it’s all just me. When he cries teething on a night it’s me, when my 2yo daughter screams EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and my oh just carries on whatever he is doing, it infuriates me but then there are smaller things which result in the same black mood.. My episodes always end in self harm of some kind because as I explain to my husband, I know my mood swings terrify my children. I have never had such uncontrollable anger before and I have told my husband that it is frightening for me because I literally just want to punch him or worse. That’s how it feels. But I have noticed ut is worse when he is around. I’m more laid back when he is at work. Is it him? Idk. I feel like a terrible mother. I’m a monster and this is why U hurt myself. I don’t want to hurt my children so I inflict the rage on myself. I feel like such a failure. My kids would be better of if I were dead.

    • No. They would definitely NOT be better off if you were dead. That is absolutely NOT true. That kind of rage can be a symptom of PPD, so what your kids need you to do is call your doctor. PPD is fully treatable, and with treatment these kinds of symptoms will go away. Do NOT give up. That would be such a mistake. Your children need you. I promise you this.

  42. Oh, God help me, yes. I got mad at my toddler today. Mad! Why because the poor little guy wanted to empty his clothes on the floor after I spent an hour sorting them. I got mad and he didn’t understand. My poor baby. I feellike the worst monster in the world.

  43. My youngest child just turned 8 months old yesterday and I thought just maybe I had been lucky to skip out on PPD this time. I had horrible, severe cases with my first two and I thought, I’m doing pretty well compared to those dark times. BUT here I am searching the internet for things to help me find my patience again and find out why I’m so angry all the time. I had a few other PPD symptoms but ferry minor and manageable, except for the rage, the rage is out of control and I had no idea what was going on and why. Thank you for this, I plan to call my doctor in the morning and hope we can make some big changes quickly through treatment. I have to admit though, now that I realize what is going on, I feel shame. I thought maybe I had escaped this monster this time 🙁

  44. I. So angry all the time… Im taking meds now but they don’t seem to be helping me. I have so much hatred and rage… I hate my husband. For many reasons. I hate my life.. which is actually pretty freaking easy.. .. I’m a stay at home mom for gods sakes!!! My husband isn’t any help.. he just adds fuel to the flames… I have a son with ADD and its not fair I lose my patients with him.. its all this baby’s fault.. I didn’t want to get pregnant …I didn’t want to have a baby. I don’t want a baby.. these are my thoughts. Wishing k could go back and change that I got pregnant.. but I can’t.. so everyday.. I get up… not wanting to do shit but I do what I have to do… even if I don’t want to.

    • Sam it sounds like you are under a lot of stress and are struggling. If you are taking medication and it isn’t helping, can I suggest calling your doctor and explaining that you still have symptoms and the treatment plan isn’t working? It might really help you to perhaps have therapy or a social worker who you could talk to about everything you have to deal with and how it is affecting you. Having someone to talk with about these things and help give you some ideas on what you could do to feel better could really make a difference. You don’t have to figure all of this out by yourself.

      • So I wanted to drop in and tell you about my progress. I recently went to the doctor. I was put on depakote. It’s been almost a week being on it. So far I feel so great. This is the first time in a really long time since I felt this good. I think this is it for awhile. I will see how this works for a bit.

  45. This me all day. I’m going through this very thing right now and don’t know what to do. I’m so mad angry….I see red…it’s awful. I’m on the verge of losing absolutely everything. My husband has officially said he hates me…When we were once the couple of envy. Before I had my daughter last year we were the best of friends. We were sickening with love for one another. Now I just wanna rip his head off. I flipped out this morning all because he wanted to take me to breakfast before I even had a cup of coffee. I went freaking nuts. And once it started it was so hard to stop. Everyrhing went black like it was too late and had no control. Who the eff is this chick? She’s passing me off!! She’s taken over my body and spits so much anger from my mouth. I don’t know what to do. I’m so mad at him…but don’t have a good enough reason to be. When I say out loud why I’m angry…it sounds stupid. I’m desperate for help. I’m scared to take that step. I’m afraid that someone will put me in a mental hospital. I don’t want that lable. What on earth do I do. I feel so much self pitty. I feel so Un accomplished. ..ugh. Before the birth of our daughter I was a super happy out going woman. I had so much energy and i was vibrant. But now…I’m numb…I hurt..I just don’t know what to do. I don’t wanna lose my husband. I live him so very much. I need help…

    • I’m so sorry you are going through this Kristin. Can I urge you to reach out for help? Rage and irritability can definitely be signs of postpartum depression and you can get treated for that. It’s an illness, not a label. You didn’t cause it and you haven’t done anything wrong, but it can get fixed with professional help. Check out this list and see if there’s a specialist in your area: http://www.postpartumprogress.com/womens-mental-health-treatment-programs-specialists-us-canada-australia

      • Kathrine…Thank you for your response. This morning I woke up feeling in a better mood. However I could feel the build up. My husband is getting ready for work as I’m chasing the baby through the house. She is a handful this morning. But I know the rage is there. I made a doctors appointment. However it’s not.untip next week some time. Ive.been able to keep myself in check when it comes to my little girl. However at times I can feel the inevitable brewing inside of me. I’ve recognized my problem and that’s the important thing. I’ve talked with my mother as well and she also told me the same as you. Why does this happen?? Why does this ugly disease completely change the aweso.e person I was?? I know she’s inside of me…but the rage takes precedence over my life. And right now it stops! I know it will be a work in progress. I just don’t wanna ever think those awful terrible things I thought. When I’m angry I feel like I really hate my husband. I mean it’s a really strong feeling. But then I fell asleep and woke up today and I look at him and I cry inside because I couldn’t dream of losing him. He has stuck by me so much. One week after the baby was born I had a full brain stroke and seizure. I haven’t been the same since. I just want my life back. I’m 32 years old. I don’t want this problem to pave the way for the rest of my life. I’m on the verge of losing everything. Last night I poured my heart out to my husband and told him of this post pardom depression. When I was done speaking I was in tears…and he was speechless. I was completely naked to him with my thoughts. Thanks again for your reply. It’s good to know someone out there is listening. You are my angel…Thank you…Kathrine..whoever you are!! May you receive many blessings!! Until my appointment I’m going to engross myself in meditation in hopes I find some relief. If you feel you need to put input into this…it is greatly appreciated. Thanks again Ms. Kathrine!!

      • I just wanted to check back again to let you know Katherine, that I was able to talk to one of my doctors. I’m so glad I did. I was taking a medicine that I was told was used sometimes as an anti depressant. Well I was already taking zoloft. So taking two different of those meds together sent me into a manic state. So… With my issues in the past. I was Diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I’m now taking depakote. Hopefully this works!! I’ll check back some other time!

        • Thank you Katherine for this information. I was so hurt and distressed when my daughter, who had just given birth the day before, yelled at me and told me to get out! We had been apart for many years (her father and I were divorced), and I felt totally rejected.

          • If it is any consolation to you I would suspect that like my wife and I, this type of rejection is based more on the hormonal response to pregnancy by your daughter than anything you have done.

  46. This has been my biggest issue. I was blindsided with postpartum when my second daughter was about six months. I was raging mad all the time and it was terrifying. My daughter is almost two and a half now and even though for the most part I am better I still have the rage during that time of the month. It is so frustrating and so damaging. I hope that I can figure out how to control it.

  47. Yep.. very much me. The littlest thing sets me off daily. It’s a terrible feeling. I can’t believe the extreme change in myself since I had my son.. and that was 8 months ago. I went from a very chilled out, laid back patient person to a leg-shaking, frustrated, worrisome one 🙁

  48. Omg I thought I was going crazy because my anger is out of class control and I hate it…..Eventhough I tell myself it’s going to be ok I get anxious and nervous then anger comes in……I hate myself and I don’t know if there is a light end of the tunnel

    • There IS light at the end of the tunnel. Talk to your doctor!

      • I feel like this since the birth of my daughter almost 2 years ago ..I really don’t know how to cope anymore …I’m miserable angry hate myself and also think there’s more to life than being a mam! I idolise my kids but can’t help feeling this way ..I’m angry at myself my kids and anyone else who I come into contact with ..I’m a mere shadow of my former self and hate the person I have become..I have nobody to talk to ..I just feel so down and that I’m failing all the time..If I shout or scream at anyone I’m remorseful but won’t back down or let anyone know for that matter ..I always seem to be hitting a brick wall all the time ..I let things get me down ..I really think I suffer from this or I’m like my dad who has bipolar disorder. .I really do not want to go down this route I’ve seen him suffer and I’ve suffered because of it ..just hope I can see a way through this for the sake of me and my beautiful healthy children ..wish this groundhog day empty feeling would do one …thanks ..

  49. ok so heres the deal i gave birth its about to be 10 months ago to my second child another girl and i feel so ashamed of myself because my husband doesnt even know about this and i think to mush time has passed for him to even believe me but i need help i cant keep going on like this i feel like a horrible mother it started around 3 months after i gave birth i love my first daughter i know in my heart that i do but when we are alone with out the hubby even when hes around but i just dont show it i get so angry with what ever little thing my 3 year old does it gets me so angry when she busts out a tantrum and some times when im holding my other one and shes asking me to carry her and she knows i cant because shes to heavy for my to carry both of them ive been tring to work on this on my own but i just feel so horrible and so guilty and i know this anger i feel towards her isnt normal but when we are alone i just cant contain it i dont hit her or anything but i feel so much anger and agression towards her that im afraid i will one day just bust is this post partum depression or am i just goiing crazy can post partum deperession carry on for this long? oh got i really need some advice what should i do?

    • Juana – I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Postpartum depression or a related illness can definitely last this long. And it tends to last even longer if not treated. It sounds like you know what you need to do. It’s extremely hard to work up the courage to speak about this with someone else. Letting your spouse in on what you’ve been feeling can be scary, but ultimately it will be so relieving to share this someone. From there, you can talk about reaching out to a professional. You deserve to be happy. Don’t put this off any longer.

  50. This is me. I have 3 kids, run a successful business from home, and everyone thinks I have my crap together. I always hear “how do you do it” from other women. Well, I don’t. I am a mess. When it’s just us, I am a crying, screaming, overwhelmed, anxious mess. I am so damned sick and tired of it. I’ve done counselling and was told I am not depressed since I can function with work and it does not affect my work. I can turn on the charm for clients and am good at what I do. But with my own family I am terrible. The rage is awful. My daughters are in their rooms right now as I just went off on them for fighting over a piece of chalk. A piece of chalk! I blew up and screamed at them. I am done. I am sick of this. I can’t do it. My husband keeps saying we’ll figure it out. Well, I’ve been this way since my 5 yr old was born. It’s caused strife in our marriage, and I almost left him for something he did that caused me a lot of pain. I am not empathetic, I feel like my heart is a rock. I love my children. I love my husband still. But I do not love myself.

    I do not like medicine. I don’t want to be on drugs for this. I am still nursing our 19 mth old son. But I may have to…I can’t keep going on like this.

    • Having been there too, I can tell you that you don’t have to keep going like this. It’s a horrible feeling and it takes over all parts of your life. I know how you feel. Being on medication isn’t the worst thing in the world, and I was on it while nursing my youngest. At least exploring options for help, whether it’s medication or not, is so important, because you deserve to feel better. Good luck and good thoughts!

  51. That’s me exactly. I don’t know how to get help. I’m honestly scared for my life. Last night I had my sister and friend over who I never see. While driving in the car with them and my fiancé, my fiancé wanted music on. I couldn’t stand it . I asked to turn it off, and no one else wanted it off . I got angry and slammed the car over and over again and made my fiancé so angry he almost walked off with the car running. That night we came home, my friend took a bite of my left overs, I immediately push her , grabbed my plate of left overs and drink and threw them on the floor, knocked over anything in my way, and went to my room. With rage, thoughts of suicide, and hating myself . I didn’t even remember pushing my friend or fiancé. All because she took a bite from my leftovers. Something as little as that . I can’t control it. And I need to. I’m losing my family, friends, my amazing fiancé and my great job. It really is a problem.

    • Emily, I’m so sorry. It sounds like the rage is truly taking over your life. I know it seems scary, but the fact that you know it’s out of control and that you need help is a HUGE first step in getting better. Have you reached out for help? Talked with a therapist? I really, really encourage you to do so. You don’t have to keep suffering like this. There are people that can help.

  52. Well, I just beat a coke bottle into a crumpled mess. I’m ALWAYS exhausted and anxious to keep my house clean and straight. There’s days my 6 month old won’t let me put her down without her screaming. I feed her solids, nurse her, play with her, and she still clings. I can’t even put her down for 5 seconds, literally. I also have a two and a half year old who has cried uncontrollably after every single nap and morning from birth. I have been to the doctor and they gave me Zoloft but won’t give me anything else because I’m nursing. So basically FML, and fuck this coke bottle.

    • Heather, I’m sorry. FML is how I felt on a daily basis too. It will get better. I’m not sure how long you’ve been on the Zoloft, but it takes some time to take effect. Don’t give up on it. Have you thought about therapy? Having a place for me to safely let out my feelings was so helpful to me. I know it probably seems impossible to get away for that one hour, but the stress you’d have to go through to make it work could make a world a difference to your health.

  53. Sierra Rodriguez says:

    I have what went/is going on with you. Its different on different days. Somedays fine, wake up feeling fine. Then the smallest thing can set me off, and then I feel my mood starting to change for the day. Theres no way to stop it, unless I pretend im not mad to my husband /baby but then stuff builds up — like right after I clean theres something dirty again.. husband knocks over clean clothes. Baby wont cooperate. Just, i need a damn minute, you know? When you used to just be able to walk out your front door, stand there and stare, breathe and not have to worry. Now i am constantly going going going. I cannot relax, until night and then as soon as i relax i wake up and find myself doing it allllllll over again. I cant relax. I just want to relax. And when i am relaxed, i feel bad for how i felt the whole day.. im trying to figure myself out. But im not liking who ive become. 🙁

    • Sierra – You describe what I think a lot of parents feel when they find themselves adjusting to parenthood. It’s a HUGE transition and lifestyle change. Then add in PPD or a related illness, and everything feels completely insurmountable. Talking with a mental health professional about this transition can be really, really helpful. Unlike what we are made to believe, parenting doesn’t come 100% naturally to most of us, maybe even none of us.

  54. I’m so glad I found this. I been feeling irrationally angry for weeks now and my poor other half has been taking the brunt of it but this morning finally snapped and said I need to get some help. I’m too scared to go to the drs for feel of being seen as a failure but I can’t go on snapping at the smallest little things- your list really resonated with me! Really need to find the courage to go and talk to someone but reading this at least made me realise I’m not alone. Thank you, J.

    • I just started on a low dosage of Zoloft. I too did not want to ask for help for fear of being a failure. This went on for about 5 years. Don’t do that. I feel better, I don’t snap at everything anymore. There are still trying times, but that is parenthood. They are more bearable now. Go get help. You deserve it.

  55. I am so glad I found this post. Reading all the comments has brought me to tears. My son is almost 4 and I finally figured out what was wrong with me and got some help about a year ago. I still deal with guilt, remorse and shame almost everyday. I would yell at my son and sometimes jerk him around, I was so angry all the time. I hated my actions but couldn’t control it. I’m not a mean person and I didn’t want to treat him that way. He is still a sweetie but I’m afraid my actions toward him have damaged him. I wish I had gotten help sooner but I had no idea what was going on. And I was ashamed that I couldn’t “handle” being a first time mom so I kept most of what I was going through to myself. I’m glad I’m not the only one and that there’s hope I haven’t ruined him.

  56. I think it’s more scary when I have nobody to share it with and I cannot talk to anybody about it because I’m not going to be negative and everybody else is joy and happiness and all everybody says to me is you are so blessed why should you feel upset or mad and so I just don’t tell anybody and I’m raging on the inside and want to scream at people but I don’t say anything.

  57. my son just turned 3 and im one bag being packed and leaving my little family from fear of what I could do and say and the guilt of yelling or braking things not to mention the biggest guilt “my messed up crazy feelings and so much hate and anger” all in front of my little boy as we’re together 24/7 since I fell pregnant and this is not how a mother treats or acts in front of a child and not only that he has never nor will ever listen to me or take me seriously despite what I do or try not sure if I have postnatal depression but i have felt this way since I was pregnant and nothing has improved but only have gotten worse that why I’m seriously considering making the hardest choice of my life and that choice better be the right one for my little boy who I love more then myself and I hope things become better for not just all the women out there suffering but all the kids and families and honestly no one should feel this way day and night

    • Kay – Have you reached out for professional help? It’s an option you have and is something that could help with your anger and depression. Leaving is not the only option you have.

      • Oh yes every day and that will be the reason of going I just don’t won’t to be this person towards and around my baby and partner and worst part is no one in my life understands but I will do everything possible to better things and get rid of these seriously depressing low thoughts because I really don’t think I could handle it much more

  58. I so needed to hear this and to know that I’m not losing my mind.

  59. I think I have that. My baby is three weeks and literally every time he cries or poops or pees or spits up on the outfit I just put him in after bathing him I get so mad at him and sometimes even tell him I hate him and never should have kept him. He cries about EVERYTHING. One night while changing him as he screamed like I had stabbed him, I flat out told my husband I hated the baby and didn’t want him anymore, but of course he didn’t understand. He’s at work all night every night. He doesn’t have to deal with him. I cry all the time, I want to tape the kids mouth shut and often fight the urge to pop him when he starts crying for no reason. One night I even used my husbands knife to slice all the way up my arm and other times I just scratch myself until I bleed because Im so angry and frustrated and it makes for a good release and doesnt harm the baby. It seems like it just gets worse everyday. I’m hoping they’ll give me a mental health questionairre at my six week check up so they can reccommend a psychiatrist because I don’t want everyone else knowing how I really feel as it’ll be just like high school all over again. At least if my doctor suggests I get help people won’t say I’m just trying to get attention.

    • Raven – Please don’t wait to get help. You don’t have to keep feeling like this. Call your doctor now and explain the rage and feelings that you’re having. Your OB could see you now or refer you to someone else who may be more qualified to help you with what you’re dealing with. You’re not alone, mama, but you need help. Don’t be afraid to ask. If you feel you might hurt yourself or the baby, call 911 right away or visit your local emergency room.

    • Raven, I hope you will reach out now, honey. You have a real illness that so many of us have gone through – it’s not your fault and can be treated. You will get better with help. Please don’t wait until your six-week appointment. Call now. I don’t know where you live, but if you don’t feel like you can trust your current doctor please check the list on this page for a PPD specialist in your area and call them directly and let them know what you are going through, what you are thinking and how you are feeling. http://www.postpartumprogress.com/womens-mental-health-treatment-programs-specialists-us-canada-australia

  60. I get angry like this, I’m not sure exactly when it started. I have a 3 year old and an 8 month old. A few days ago I suffered a back strain, my baby got a cold and was very fussy, and the house was messy. I feel like I raged and cried all day long. One minute I was sobbing and the next I was throwing my daughter’s bottle across the room because she wouldn’t take it. This doesn’t happen often but it was a wake up call to me. I haven’t felt “right” or truly happy in a long time. I’m often irritable, I lose my patience easily, I don’t find much joy in caring for my children. I have a Dr. appointment today, I just want to feel better and try and enjoy my life.

    • Jen – I’m so sorry this happens to you sometimes. Anger and rage are very common symptoms of depression, but not many people talk about them. I’m glad you’re reaching out to a doctor. I hope you get some good information and guidance on how to move forward. You deserve to feel happy again and you will. You’re so strong for reaching out, keep doing it.

  61. It’s been 13 months since I had my daughter and I still feel overwhelmed some days but more often than not I feel anger towards everyone around me and anyone who gets help. Irrational as it is every time one of my friends mentions leaving their kids with their husband/mum/etc I feel like slapping them and screaming at them. I was never this person before, I’ve always got by on my own and never resented those who have help. I take the pills for short periods but over the last six months I’ve had extras in my house and when I leave them out they comment on them and I feel weak and stupid and when I put them away I forget to take them. My husband has never helped with the kids or housework and it’s never bothered me before but now he offers help but always has a last minute reason not to come through and I get angry with him so he tells me to take a pill and get over it- just makes me even more angry. I’ve always been the first to tell my patients depression is not weakness, you need to find time for yourself etc etc great advice but not helpful to me. Taking the tablets helps but then I feel angry that I have to take them. I honestly feel like I’m going to explode. My mantra is “I will not lose my shit today” it’s my only goal now just get through till bedtime. I hope the darkness lifts sometime this is no way to live

    • Cally – You’re right — it’s no way to live. You don’t have to keep feeling like this. It’s really important you find a health care professional you trust and work with that person to figure out how to treat this. It can go away, and it will, but following a treatment plan is so important. I know you feel judged at times, but you’re not a bad mom and you’re not weak. Depression is a real illness and just like other sicknesses, is a medical issue that needs treatment. You can do this. You’re not alone.

  62. I want to say thank you so very much for this piece. I have been getting so angry it scares me, my 3 year old, and my baby. It frustrates and baffles my husband. The number of times I have said I was leaving because clearly my children would be better off without me, are reaching the double digits. It has given me a lot to think about, and a lot to discuss. Thank you, you have made me feel a little less like a monster and a little more like a mom that needs help.

  63. Loved reading this article, cried, smiled, cried some more. I have sought treatment for PPD and my doctor originally said anger was not a part of it and i needed to control myself. When i’m angry and agitated it feels like the reaction is out well and truly before i know it. It explodes from me in a tirade that seems to drag on way longer than necessary and then keeps me ramped up and agitated for while before feeling the most gut wrenching overwhelming guilt. I yell at my husband, kids, cat and dog, whilst i hold all my shit together fr friends and family and work. They put up with so much, but i am worried they will stop putting up soon, or i will damage the kids. I love them with a deep longing that can only be felt by a mother who loves her children, so i have a hateful relationship with myself for harming them and ruining their childhood. I have tried medications but react badly often having mania episodes that the doctors cannot explain other than, “why don’t you try this one then??” like i am an experiment. I realize as they get older they are more rational, but having 3 boys, is a challenge, and while it looks like i have it all together on the outside, i am cringing permanently on the inside.

    • Deb – Thank you so much for sharing that. As you know now, rage is definitely a symptom of depression. As you treat depression, rage gets treated too. I’m glad you’ve sought treatment, but it sounds like you are still suffering quite a bit. Have you thought about seeing a therapist to address and treat the depression? It could be a good option for you since you’ve had some adverse reactions to medication.

  64. I am so tired and disillusioned and completely over being a mum. I have a 3 year old who I struggle to like and a 4 month old who I adore. Of course I love the 3yo too but I get so angry with him when he’s doing what every 3yo does – yelling, throwing things, breaking stuff, playing too rough, not listening – the list goes on. I’m ashamed that I have lost it and hit him, I’m ashamed that I have screamed and sworn at him and I’m more ashamed than anything that he keeps wanting me to read a book to him called ‘Why i love my mummy’. He deserves better than me and I’m seeing a child health psychologist for help with dealing with his behaviour but I just hate myself that I can treat a small child like this. We tried for 10 years to get him into the world and now I act like I hate him a lot of the time. He needs me to be strong and yet I have more tantrums than he does. It’s been this way since I was pregnant with number 2 and I’m on anti-anxiety and anti-depressant meds but they don’t seem to be helping. I just want to crawl into a hole and sleep for a year and hope everything is better when I get out. I’m so lonely as my husband is only good with practical things, not emotions or talking and all my friends are too busy with their own families and lives for me to ask them for help. I couldn’t admit it to them anyway. I’m scared my babies will be taken from me because I don’t deserve them. When I’m not angry I’m just numb and I don’t remember the last time I smiled and meant it.

    • Elro – I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re not alone. It sounds like the help you are receiving isn’t enough. Have you asked your doctor about the medications? It’s important for him or her to know if they aren’t working. There are different medications to try if something doesn’t work the first time. Also, have you in the past tried talking with a therapist? Therapy can be extremely effective at treating depression and is an important adjunct to medication. More help is available. Keep fighting, you will get better.

    • Thank you for sharing this Elro… I am.exactly the same with a 3,5 yr old I love but struggle to like in the everyday hassle and a 2 yrs old who. i adore. Ive done everything you wrote about, then felt guilty… I am so sorry you have to.go.through this I hope we can find help..

  65. I didn’t know, I never heard, that anger and rage and frustration could be part of PPD. I am not depressed or apathetic to life – i am angry anout every little thing, on my bad days. It doesn’t happen every day, but some days, my 2 year old son leaving blocks all over the floor and ignoring my requests to pick them up makes me want to scream and just leave. I have given myself timeouts, and I had my placenta encapsulated and am taking that, since it apparently can help with PPD and I figured better safe than sorry, but I still feel that anger and rage inside at nothing. I am glad to know now what it is, that it’s not just me being crazy. I just need to work on finding other ways to help myself cope with it.

    • Anna – You definitely are not alone. When most people think of postpartum depression, they don’t think about rage or anger or the laundry list of other agonizing symptoms that don’t look like typical depression, sadness, or crying. I encourage you to reach out for help if you haven’t already. There are doctors and therapist that can help. You don’t have to keep suffering the way you have been.

  66. Hi everyone.
    It is such a relief reading all your posts and I have tears as I do so. Five months after my son was born I started to feel angry. I just felt teary a lot and angry at the smallest thing. It’s like I could actually feel the bubbling anger in my stomach. It was when I swore at my 5 month old handsome boy that I went straight to the doctors. At the time I was living in Australia with no family and I already had a little girl who was 20 months at the time. I was put on medication and it was amazing.
    We eventually came home and I was so happy when I came off my medication. I have noticed that I seem to suffer from PMT more and I now believe I have suffered from anxiety most of my adult life. In December out of the blue I discovered we were expecting again. I was so shocked and it took a couple of weeks to sink. At 6 weeks I had to have a scan and was told it was twins. I was just getting my head around it all when I was told we lost one of the twins at 12 weeks. It is hard dealing with grief when you have little ones already. Since around 5 weeks and still now I have had so many days where my mood is low and my anger is back. This time it seems worst but maybe that’s because I have not treated it straight away. I snap at my little munchkins so easily and then feel so guilty. It is eating me up inside and no one seems to understand really until I read all your posts. I am seeing the lead consultant on Monday and I am hoping she can help. I am terrified of being put on meds while pregnant but I also terrified of feeling like this anymore. I was never like this before my pregnancies and it is so hard to accept and deal with.

  67. I have a major anger problem lately and my kids are 4.5 year old twins. Could it possibly be postpartum depression almost five years later? I never really thought of it but what I have thought of is seeing my doctor. I haven’t yet I’m worried she won’t want to put me on meds because I’ve been addicted to opiates in the past. I don’t know what to do though, I just know I hate myself and the way I act towards my kids who will soon if not now start to hold onto my behavior forever. And I don’t want to set them up for failure.

    • Kristin, depression can set in any time. And anger is a common symptom of depression. Meds for depression are not habit forming so there shouldn’t be an issue given your history with opiates. I’d recommend you schedule an appointment with your doctor soon to discuss.

  68. I have the same feelings (and sadly actions) to what you’ve described, but the weird part is that I have not had a child nor been diagnosed with anything.

  69. i feel pity on my husband, i burst on him everytime and he never answers, and when he dont answer i shout on him to react or answer me.

    i dont what is the problem , i have never been into any kind of depression, i just got a husband who is of a very jolly nature and very patient too… i am afraid with this nature of mine , he may turn into a volcanic eruption one day. am i waiting for that day, do i really want my marriage to end up like this>?
    where all of my love vanishes in fraction of second , and after shouting like anything i become as cold as an icecream who wants love and care again, its not possibledude.

    i need to go to some medication i guess..plz suggest

    • Bhvana, I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. I would encourage you to make an appointment with your doctor to discuss some of your feelings. They will best be able to direct you in terms of medication. Reaching out for help is the best thing you can do for you and your family. Good luck to you!

  70. I broke my third cell phone tonight. I want to destroy everything around me. I am drowning. And it makes me hate myself even more. I feel like I can’t escape. I love my girls and feel terribly guilty for how horrid a mother I have become.

    • Amber, I’m so sorry you are feeling like this. Have you reached out for professional help? Help is available and you can and will get better. You are not a bad mom, you just need help.

    • Heather King says:

      Amber, I’m sorry you are feeling like this. So many of us understand all too well how this anger and shame and guilt feels. You are still a good mother, or you would not care so much about how you are mothering. If you feel you need professional help, like seeing a doctor or a therapist or both, please consider that. You can feel better. We all need help sometimes. Peace to you, Heather

    • I feel Exactly the SAME!!! I yell, rage at my husband and my little baby daughter , I feel ashamed she sees me that way. How angry, upset and loud I am!!! I feel I sink deeper and deeper, the Rage is eating me up.

  71. I feel this anger too. Never at the baby but often at hubby, like I’m cursing and saying the most awful things, making prayers and swearing like I never do. I don’t know where the rage cones from. I feel so bad for my husband. I’ve become abusive verbally when I get to that point. I often say I’m done, can’t do this anymore. I say it like every day. I don’t know what’s wrong

    • Heather King says:

      Ummi,

      You are not alone. It would be good for you to consider talking with your doctor about this. It sounds like it is really effecting your life and your husband’s life. It is not YOU, not who you are, that’s why it’s so hard to understand. This rage is often a sign of a bigger picture issue with your postpartum health. Talking to a doctor may be the first really good step in recovering and getting back to yourself.

    • I feel exactly the SAME!!! EVERYDAY I YELL, RAGE, I SAY I’M DONE

  72. I just want to say thanks for posting this. My daughter is 10 months now. The last 3 I’ve been all over the place. I have no issues bonding with my daughter, no issues with nursing her, etc. But I get so angry. Before I prefer to be passive. Now my boyfriend and I scream at each other once a day. (I work over 40 hours a week so I’m not home as much anymore yet it’s still happening.) I feel like it just keeps getting worse. I feel a bit better that I’m not alone though,

  73. Mark Bullock says:

    My wife Sue has something similar to the description Postpartum Depression.
    It hurts to see the rage she throws at our children. She trys to control our day and when she cannot get us to do something she turns to anger, shouting and physical abuse.
    We live on a farm in Cheshire, England. UK. We have a lovely view, blue skies, space, money and family close-by.
    But it is not enough. It is too much!
    She wants our attention, she wants to be made to feel wanted then turns on us when we try to make her feel needed.
    I was the one who got up in the night to calm and comfort our daughters; they are now 16 and 14 and probably don’t remember.
    I used to read to them and get them dressed in the morning.
    But that had to stop as she felt unwanted so I let her dress them.
    I got breakfast ready and packed lunches and again I stopped to make her feel a need to wake up in the morning.
    I had to put myself between them and her when they were younger to stop her hitting them. The worse was when we were on holiday in Lucca, Italy. I was driving and she was shouting at the girls, they started crying and she doesn’t like crying. She leans around, in this small car, and starts smacking them. I’ve tried to put all this out of my memory and now it is flooding back, oh! it hurts, my eyes are swelling.
    I am so proud of my girls. The eldest got 8 “A” grade GCSEs last month. She is now working for a large firm as an apprentice within a bank cryptography team. They are both on a Young Farmers team that has gone through to the final of the speech writing and junior quiz.
    They are now able to stand up to Sue especially the eldest. I feel much better now I see the positives in their lives.

    I feel my life is complete with them.
    I feel our lives are being cut up by her. For even today she chastises me for getting up in the night to go to the toilet.
    She says we are pecking at her head by asking her what she wants for breakfast, telling her what time it is.
    And then boom.. It turns to anger and I shrivel from a 6’4″ man to a Gollum character.

    This bitter disease attacks more than just the afflicted.

    Mark

    • Heather King says:

      Mark,

      First of all, I want to say thank you, for being the father you have been to your daughters. Your love for them is so clear in your words. I’m so sorry you all have been through this. Yes, it may have started with PPD, it may be hard for you to remember what Sue was like before pregnancy and childbirth. Sometimes people have PPD or Postpartum Anxiety, etc and if never treated, continue to struggle with mental illness. Or perhaps your wife was struggling her entire life. But clearly, something isn’t right. You have been suffering for a long time, as have your girls. You have coped and carried on, but I hope that the three of you can go to some therapy, with or without you wife knowing. You said it so well–“this bitter disease attacks more than just the afflicted.” And you all need healing. If your wife is not willing to get help, you can get help for you and the girls. Yes, they are older now, but the memories and issues with feelings of worth will carry on. That’s why counseling helps so much. Again, I’m so sorry, Mark. I’m so moved by your words, your honesty and strength. Peace to you.

      • I am glad I found this thread. I am a 1st time mom, SAHM, suffering from depression. My baby is 8-months now. I hate my husband! He treated me very poorly after I delivered by c-section. To mention one: five weeks after I had a baby, he brought his mom here and told me to take care of her. I had to wait on his mother 24/7 for Two weeks. I hate him for that. I am lonely, sad! I was abused emotionally, physically by my family through out my childhood & adulthood until I was 32. Now, I am angry, depressed all the time. I am angry at my family! At my husband! I hate my life. I think about killing myself all the time.

        • Heather King says:

          Fortuna, I’m sorry you have been through all of this. I hope you are seeking help through therapy and reaching out to your doctor. You can’t get through this alone, and help is out there. Please keep this phone number as well…if you are thinking about suicide, the people on the other end of this call can help you – 1 800 273 8255

          I’m sending you peace and hope. You are not alone.

  74. I’m currently going through this and realizing it might be part of post partum…I’m just so angry that it brings me to tears. It’s all directed at my husband, sadly. Why can’t he do anything without me telling him too? Why do I need to pick up after him too? Little things just piling up and making it a big ugly mess….I had a temper before bit this is crazy…and it makes me angroer that he dkesnt aegue bacl, doesnt defend himself or just try to work through this with me somehow. I will be bringing it up to my doctor at the 4 month visit but I just want to hide from the people I love before I say or do something I can’t take back. I don’t want to hurt anyone (I do just wanna take a sledge hammer to my hubbies phone though) but I just…I don’t know…its overwhelming rage, its a beast inside my chest and head thats breaking off its leash and I can’t keep it locked up and proper. Maybe I’m just a big B….I don’t know.there isn’t much out there about PP rage -_-.

  75. Wow its amzing to read this, I wish I had found it 2 years ago. My youngest ws about 4 months old and I would wake up boiling, ready for a fight, looking for something to rage on or about, looking at my body in the shower, wanting to literally cut of the breasts that were so hard to feed my never happy baby with, such dark times, pictured driving as all into a truck, hurling my dear wee baby at a wall, the list goes on. I saw my GP and got started on anti depresants which after a monthof very sleepy mornings seemed to make a big difference, the lows werent so low. But after awhile say 9 months, I would go to bed fearing the next day as I felt myself losing control again, until one day I pushed my older son hard enough to take the wind of him, I knew that the next time I touched either of them in anger it wouod result in something tragic, so I shut myself in a room, googled anger management and made an appt to see a psycologist, telling him I was afraid I was going to hurt the kids. I tried to explain to others how I was feeling but was afraid of child servicew taking them away so probably wasnt honest about the dark thoughts id been having. Fast forward to now and thngs are alot better, I still yell more than I should, but the thought of harming them or myself has passed. I feel really bad for the poor modelling my kids have seen and my 4 year old now has a very short temper, Im so pissed off with myself for this. I would urge any new mother, feeling angry/rage/self loathing to see someone asap and be honest about those feelings, I understand now how small children get hurt by their mothers in the blink of an eye, that could very easily have been me.

  76. Yes. I have a 3 month old baby girl. She is my 3rd child. My oldest are boys ages 10 and 7. I didn’t have really any problems until recently with my anger and behaviors. I literally feel like a little kid. I’m still breastfeeding my baby and I am back at work it’s been tough for me to adjust. I’m always worried or depressed about something. I feel alone and I know I’m not but the worst of it all is I feel like I’m not a good mom to my kids anymore. It’s sad 🙁 plus we are going through financial difficulties and the holidays are approaching. I’m just so overwelmned. My oldest is special needs and both my husband and I work fulltime!

    • Heather King says:

      There is so much going on, Katherine. It makes sense that you are struggling. Sometimes depression/anxiety, etc cause the inability to cope and then on top of that there is so much life stress. You are not a bad mom. You are human and struggling. I hope you can reach out for help and support, from a therapist, your doctor, and friends and family. I’m sending you peace…

  77. I am unsure if I have this condition but my son is now 17 months old and I’m still very angry at EVERYTHING… I can’t control it and it’s gotten to the point where I sit here and cry thinking about how ugly my insides are and how hard I try to fight the anger but can’t because it’s too much and wants to come out… I throw things, yell at the stupid situations and just get so heated over little things, food, shoes, MY HAIR!, even sometimes when my son is crying because I’m trying to help and he won’t except my offer.. I don’t even know what to do any more.. I smoke to try and help my stress but I think it just makes it worse… This was the first article I came across that described my out bursts perfectly… Thanks for the share..

    • Heather King says:

      Brittany, I’m so glad this post helped you. It’s not you, and your insides are not ugly. You are most likely struggling with anxiety and/or depression. It would be good to talk with your doctor or a therapist. You can definitely get better with help.

  78. This is exactly how I was after my 2nd baby (in 17mos) was born. The day I stood in the hallway screaming “F*CK!” as loud and as long as I could bc my husband was trying to move past me with his arms full of groceries was the day I knew I needed professional help.

    It’s been over a year of CBT (+different meds and dosages) and I’m starting to understand my emotions and have much better control. I still have ragey days, but they are far less frequent. Slowing down has been the biggest help for me. I try not to multitask as much, which is the fastest way to Ragetown for me if things start getting hectic, which they will with 2 toddlers.

    I wish I knew rage was a symptom of PPD. It took me way too long to figure it out and seek help.

  79. I recently got on Zoloft and man has it helped. I was just like this. But instead of taking it out on my husband, I took it out on my kids by yelling and spanking. It almost ended my marriage. And most of all my children have suffered. Since starting on my meds I am so much happier and my home is a place of love instead of anger. My heart goes out to any mom suffering. Thank you for posting about this!

  80. Samera Zaman says:

    This sounds like me:(. I used to be so bubbly and happy all the time, which what my husband used to love about me. But now I have become this anger, miserable and bitter person. I have my good days, but most days are bitter and anger. I love my son and my husband..they mean the world to me, but I don’t know what to do? Sometimes I look at myself and feel so ugly inside for the monster I have become. I want to change myself and be a better mom and wife for my family. What can I do? Who do i talk to?

  81. This is exactly what I have been researching for! I have a 2 year old and a 15 month old and I have only recently realised what has been happening to me since the birth of my eldest. I have always had a short fuse and anxiety but it has gradually got worse. The sad thing is that it has become such a way of life that it became normal and I couldn’t see what I was doing to my poor husband. Every day I resented him and fired verbal abuse at him whilst all the time screaming in my head not to say these things as he is the kindest most gentle caring wonderful man on the planet and I truly didn’t mean what I was saying. I have recently realised I have been suffering PND but I never thought of it before as I wasn’t “depressed” so to speak. I feel very low most days and everything gets to me but I had no thoughts of harming myself or others. Anyway my husband left me 3 weeks ago as he couldn’t take anymore. I have driven him to his limit and I am ashamed to say I have totally broken him. I am seeing someone on the 19th to hopefully get some help for myself but I feel it is too little to late for my marriage and I’m devastated. PLEASE don’t let it go as far as mine has, the last thing you need is to drive your partner away. It’s the worst thing in the world.

    • Heather King says:

      Oh mama, I’m sorry. I’m so grateful for the way your honest words will help other people when they read them here. And I’m so glad that you are getting help. Try to take it one moment at a time. I hope that with some space and help, you may find forgiveness from your partner. I’m so sorry.

  82. I had my daughter 2 1/2 years ago and I’m still seeing red. I’ve destroyed pretty much everything we own. Tried to commit suicide twice, been in fist fights, I could go on… numerous Dr’s, even more medications. Nothing has worked. I’m convinced this is my life. Before I was pregnant it took SO much to even anger me at all. I was extremely calm and level headed. How did this happen and why won’t it go away?

    • Heather King says:

      Lj, I’m sorry you haven’t found the treatment that helps you. I know it’s possible to get better with the right treatment. That can be complicated, but please don’t give up. Keep advocating for yourself. Looking for support and ideas from other moms who have been through this exact thing may help. Here is the link for our private forum – https://www.smartpatients.com/partners/postpartumprogress

      I will be hoping with you that you find exactly what you need. Peace to you…

      • My mom told me you suffer from this if you’re immature. She said she’ll talk to me when I grow up and am normal again. I’ve been to 3 more Dr’s and nothing is working. I cry all day. I get in my car and scream and pray to just die. This has been going on for almost 3 years. My daughter is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, yet the process of giving birth has turned into the absolute biggest nightmare of my life. This makes me feel like even more of a failure. I feel like I could write a book. I never in a million years ever thought feeling like this, for so long, was even possible.

  83. Jacquelynn says:

    I can’t explain the relief I feel knowing that anger/rage/irritability is a symptom of PPD. Here I was thinking that it was a side effect of my new birth control. After doing much research and talking with my family doctor, I do show signs of PPD and have been diagnosed with it. Mostly in anxiety and the anger, which explains the constant emotional outbursts.

    Just this past weekend my husband and I got into a huge argument regarding what music we were listening to on the way home. I snapped at him and started crying because I didn’t want to listen to his “rock” song, I wanted to listen to country music. So what was the resolution? Complete silence the whole way home. I was too angry with him.

    Just earlier today I hung up on him in anger because he wasn’t getting his errands done fast enough as I wanted him to… Which means he would have to pick up the baby later than 3:30 from daycare. God forbid if she doesn’t get picked up before 3:30. I can’t tell you how many fights that have happened because he wasn’t doing things the way I wanted.

    My husband is the biggest help. He works hard, helps clean the house, will go grocery shopping, will tend to the baby.. and also makes me dinner every night. Yet sometimes I feel like I find reasons to be upset with him- & in return it makes him feel like he’s a failed husband and father. I hate making him feel that way and although I’m taking medicine for postpartum anxiety, I feel like there is nothing I can do to help get rid of the anger I have that causes me to lash out at him. I just hope that now that I know it’s not me going crazy, but a chemical imbalance in my brain that is CAUSING me to be crazy.

    • Heather King says:

      We totally understand. This is so common, and you are not alone in it. It will get better, and if you don’t start seeing it getting better, it’s something to talk with your doc about. Maybe they could tweak your meds to help with the moods. It’s true, you are NOT crazy. This is part of the illness. Peace to you, mama.

  84. Julia Jessup says:

    The rage is the worst. All I wanted to do was hit someone (the kids, strangers in the grocery store, other parents at my kid’s school, my husband). Anything set it off…the dogs barking, the kids wouldn’t stay in bed during bedtime stories, the water was running low in the coffee maker. I went to the dentist who noticed that I had chipped my teeth from clenching my jaw. Once I gave myself a black eye because I was so angry. The last straw was when I really wasn’t interested in sex anymore (I had always been pretty charged in that area). I went from being able to have multiple orgasms to not even enjoying it anymore. Cognitive Behavioral therapy was really helpful. Then meds. I took a generic SSRI and that really helped.

  85. I’m absolutely suffering from this. I hate it 🙁 I’m 4 months postpartum and SO irritable. I don’t know what to do

  86. I feel like this all the time. The difference is, I don’t hate it. I keep in my anger during school for the most part but when I get pissed I just don’t care. I break a lot of things and think of murder.

  87. I am currently 8 months postpartum and am experiencing the same problems. I am so out of control of myself, my feelings, I have anger outbursts, crying outbursts, suicidal moments.. I am unhappy with my life and I just gave birth to something that should’ve completed my life and not made it worse. I feel like I am taking away from my family with how I act and feel but I can’t change or control it.. it almost has me helpless at times. I want what’s best for my family and right now, I can’t wake up and say good morning without having some sort of irritability every morning.

    • Heather King says:

      Michelle, are you getting any kind of help? You can get better with help, you really can. Have you reached out to a doctor or therapist?

  88. I feel like this is me. I just had a baby 7 months ago. Now my anger isn’t towards him. It’s towards everyone else around me. Not sure what to do. This article help me feel like I’m the only insane one. And right after I have the angry moments I feel horrible and I apologize for what I have said either to my daughter or my 8 year old daughter.

    If writing doest help I am going to need professional help.

    • Heather King says:

      Yes, mama. Please consider professional help. You can start with therapy. You don’t have to tell them every detail, but tell them that you are struggling with irritability, anger and impatience. This is so common, you are not alone!

  89. What eventually helped ?

  90. Its good to know and hear Im not alone. I feel bad thou cause my husband gets all my rage. Sometimes I just want to hit him for the littlest thing (like moving something) and because he is so understanding, I feel even worse. I dont want to take medication and was thinking of writing a journal again or exercising. I had complications giving birth to my daughter and I often think about how things were before her. I love her more than life, but its an adjustment that is effecting me and im just trying to figure it out.

  91. I feel like this I have bi polar depression anxiety and a 3year old and haven’t been on meds since year and I snap over stupid stuff my bf makes plans I get dressed then will cry not wanna go cause I feel so unhappy with self and always wanna sleep don’t wanna go places freak out and have doctors apt in month but idk what to do I’ve been to so many they just give u pills and nothing seems to help I also will go sit in bathroom if I can’t take any more and get to shakey point means I want left alone

  92. I have a baby whom is nearly 9 months! I feel like I have postpartum depression! I am so angry about… Well everything! I feel like I could just run away from it all! I need help. I’m hurting my fiancé and our relationship! I’m taring our family apart! I just yesterday screamed so loud my baby cried and my fiancé took my baby and told me to never do that. I got so angry that I smashed a glass against the wall! I’m out of control!

    • Heather King says:

      Kaycee, it sounds like it’s time for you to get some help. You don’t have to keep feeling this way. Anger and frustration are a big part of PPD, it is not you. You can get better with time and help. I hope there is a specialist near you, or a doctor that you trust. Let us know if there is any way we can help. Peace to you…

  93. Wow. Thank you for sharing. I thought I was the only one experiencing anger. My daughter is 7 months old and I believe I have ppd. I’m easily aggravated and sometimes argu and get physical with my husband. I think I may need help.

    • Heather King says:

      Getting help will be such a relief. I’m glad you found this post and could relate and know you aren’t alone, that it’s an illness, and that you can certainly recover in time with help!

  94. Sorry I know this post is from awhile back but Iam a first time mom my son is 1 year old I love him very much everything was good until he was about 9 months or so where I started to get this anxiety attacks I felt like I worried about everything and got scared nervous for anything and now is gotten to a point were i feel angry all the time and hopeless and just so overwhelmed with everything I’m a stay at home mom and sometimes I just feel like braking i want to feel good again for my son and most of all I’m worried for him because I don’t want to cause him any harm or hurt or anything since his at the age were he sees everything and reacts to it specially when I’m mad and angry I just don’t know what I should do please help and thanks ?

    • Heather King says:

      Gloria, there is help for how you’re feeling. You are NOT alone in this. It sounds like you are struggling with the symptoms of PPD. Talk to a doctor about starting recovery. You can and will get better with help and time. Peace to you…

  95. jennifer viscuso says:

    I have that now and the scary part is I don’t even know I’m doing it. But everything and anything pisses me off. I’ve tried one med so far and it does nothing but make me wanna sleep and when I can’t it makes me even worse. Because I am breastfeeding the med options are limited for me. My favorite saying is try yoga or something as of that is easy with a screamING baby.

    • Heather King says:

      It’s so hard, Jennifer. I’m sorry you’re going through it. I don’t know what medication you tried, but there are several that are safe while breastfeeding. Maybe talk with your doctor about other options? For me, starting a medication made it possible to get my head around therapy, self care and the other things that help. Before meds, I could not even get out of the house without losing it. I was always sad and always angry and soooooo tired. I had two colicky babies, so I totally understand. I hope you also have supportive people in your life who could take the baby an hour here and there so you can go take care of yourself, with appointments with your doc, therapist and maybe even fit in yoga in the long run. I’m sending you peace!

  96. uma kulkarni says:

    Hi

    I think I fall into the same category.

    I was married 9 years ago. I supported my husband and his family in the worst of the worst situations and always have been a supporting wife and a doting mother. I left my career and started working from home just to make sure, my kids grow up in front of my eyes. I never wanted to trouble my in- laws with my kids’ responsibilities so that I can focus on my career. Life was just going fine, but in past 2 years I have been feeling very uneasy adjusting to the same routine. The daily routine makes me feel mechanical and irritated. I feel, one needs to take short breaks to get rid of boredom, but my husband tries to justify things in his own way. Somewhere in the depth of my heart, I feel he is a bit selfish. He doesn’t easily allow anyone in the house to use his things. Even for that reason, when I ask him to teach driving in his car, he makes excuses.

    I have been working from home and earning a decent salary to make up the bills and daily expenses. I feel, I’m doing everything I can for the family, yet somewhere I feel incomplete and lonely. With a mere sight of my husband, I get irritated. He tries to convince me by doing house chores when I’m angry, but again the next day back to pavilion, with his own ways.

    I was recently diagnosed with Hypothyroidism, but still in the minimum range- 4.5-5.5. I’m taking medication for that.

    I’m confused as to how I need to overcome this situation.

    Anyone who has genuine suggestions, please help.

    Thanks in advance

    Uma

  97. Yes this is exactly how I feel. I haven’t found such great techniques like time out or writing them down but I know it is wrong and it is out of proportion my rage,
    Specially when you have a little baby it isn’t what you have planned to be like.
    To be clearer after I got pregnant, nothing has been how I planned: the pregnancy, the birth, the family support, the breastfeeding, the walks and swimming lessons,
    the overly interested and protective husband…. I had a reckless midwife ( who my husband liked to point out as the right one and me the paranoid one), at birth she didn’t acknowledged
    My needs as I had a prolapsed intestine, I had no family to help me as they are all in Brazil, I was to sleep deprived to persist on breastfeeding as I couldn’t bear her hungry crying while
    I tried to find the right position to get the milk. Stress gave me constant tummy ache and nausea, I was so scared to go out that the more they told me: ” Just go for a walk” I wanted to stay at home a safe place,
    And my husband would remind me every week that I wasn’t doing anything so the house should be clean and the dishes done as I wasn’t contributing with any money.
    He also said he was supporting me enough as he would go out to work and get the money and look after out baby after work, He also needed me time which I understand but I was alone at home with migraine or just extremely tired.
    So every now and then I was ( I say was because I so much want it to be in the past) getting violent towards him and break things and throw things on the floor and even punch him on his shoulder.
    I feel very embarrassed of that and know that even if I believe he is causing my anger I have no right to do it.

    It was like a snowball that it was always out of MY control and my baby was growing and needing my there well and happy.
    I got resentful of my husband and still feel very out of my true self and obese ( put on 30 kg) Very lonely.

    Everyday I was getting out of control, it was a horrible feeling of same and hurt.

    We are having counselling sessions…
    Baby is 11 month old going to day care and I am going back to work.

    Hopefully I can give my child a stable experience in our family<3

  98. I think I need help.. I’m RAGING all the time but I’m all alone. My son is 5 and gives no FUCKS to Whatever I have to say! Everything he does Pisses me off I have to keep sending him to his room cuz I cannot stand the sight of him!! I can’t do mommy time out. My son figured out all the gates to the house and gets into EVERY FUCKING THING!! My husband is deployed, I don’t have famly out here and my son has ensured that I make zero friends cuz of how wild he is.. I have been on Zoloft before for stress and for depression but I don’t want meds since I’m breast feeding.. I seriously need help.. I’m tired of being angry all the time.. The only time I get lost in my bliss is when I’m all alone with my infant daughter.. It feels like my son is just out to get me.. like he hates me… The dog angers me too.. She was once my Best Friend aeound here, cuddles all day.. Now I can’t stand her dumb face most days.. I hate what I’ve become! ☹️

    • Heather King says:

      Clara, you may find that it’s worth taking medication. There are meds, including zoloft, that are safe for breastfeeding moms. Therapy would also be really good right now. I’m so sorry you are so alone. If you want to share your location, I’d be happy to help you find some good help, if I can find something near you. You can email me at help@postpartumprogress.org if you’d like.

  99. I feel the same. My baby is 10 months old. Still I feel the fire inside me. So hard to control my anger. I used to be very patient and quiet. But these days I outburst to every little silly thing. How long the postpartum depression stays?

    When is it going to end? I am not the same person I used to be. Just feel irritated all the time. I am scared of myself now.

    What should I do?

  100. I can completely relate to this, anything, everything could tip me over the edge. At least I know I’m not alone. I would sometimes get so angry I could only then weep and howl with utter frustration because it was so all consuming. My husband would look at me with complete terror. My son was so longed for and this condition cheated the entire family out of so much joy.

  101. Carolyn Massengale says:

    The rage has been hardest on me. I’m not normally the yelling type. Especially not toward my husband. I would get so angry in the beginning and then feel so terrible that I lost it that I would send myself into a sobbing fit and hyperventilate. The baby cried non-stop for so many months. Every time he would cry, I would go into a rage about the house being a mess and yell at my older kids and husband. The kids began to mimic my behavior when they got upset. It was overwhelming. My husband learned how to calmly talk me out of my rage. My kids are still recovering. I have to get out of the house when I get in those moods. Go for a walk or a drive or sit outside alone for a few minutes to calm down. I recently began using the essential oil Progessence Plus. It has made a HUGE difference in my life. I have had energy, I have felt happy, I have been playing with my kids. I still have my moments of rage when the baby has been crying and hasn’t slept, but I don’t feel as helpless now.

  102. Thank you so much for posting this , basically I’ve been struggling badly with this for the last 2years. But only starting been angry like this when I was pregnant. It went away for a long time but now I’m having alot of high stressful situations I just can’t control my rage!! I scream in my son’s face , I hit myself as I’m so angry I want to hit him but don’t so hit myself .After. Just feelings of been ashamed, guilty that I’ve ruined my boys life forever by behaving this way , but I just can’t stop. This is ruining my life . Ive just moved to a new flat, after me n my son been homeless , it’s been a stressful year, I’ve got a wonderful supporting boyfriend who I’ve recently told everything and he is urging me to see a doctor about this . Stephanie

    • Heather King says:

      Yes, please see a doctor, mama. You can get better, and not be so angry. What a relief that would be! I’m glad you have someone supportive and encouraging in your life!

  103. Hello ladies, I am not sure if this is PPD for me, But at times it sure feels like it. Though I was feeling depression and rage about a year before I was prego with my first kid, who is now 3. Then while I was prego I apparently was a saint! There were jokes in the family about keeping me knocked up just so I was nicer to be around. It came back after the birth, and 2 years later we were having the 2nd. After the birth of the first I had completely lost my sex drive. I still have not gotten it back. It has been a year since the last baby. I was thinking I may have been starting pre-menopause before I was prego the first time, and because of the pregnancies, it was held back?? But now raging bitch is back and I do not seem to have any control over when. It does seem to happen the worst when I am in my ovulation phaze. Which now has become the 2nd most painful thing I have ever experianced.. Any ideas as to what can be going on with me? PPD, pre-menopause, hormone dissorder, ??? my G.P. is an idiot, I ask for tests and he just tells me I am too young (40) for these problems and ignores me.

    • Heather King says:

      I would suggest a different doctor! And a therapist, to talk over what’s going on & what they think is the cause. It could all certainly be hormonal, and many women suffer from rage and mood swings due to having a baby, being premenopausal or just having wonky hormones. If your doctor is ignoring your requests, find someone who will take you seriously. They are out there! Perhaps looking for a doc that specializes in women’s health would be best. Peace to you!

  104. Omg this is so me ! Once the shy happiest sweetest people pleasure is suffering from the worst of angers, I know I had a temper in the past but it takes a lot I mean a lot to get it out of me I’m quite tolerate and had patience then but now no way all out the window every respect towards the world ran with my soul if that makes any sense ! I feel like a complete failure whenever I loose it it could just be rememberance of a bad incident and it eats me up inside so I have to rage to let it out of my system thinking that works irrationally when really it just makes me even more guilty to my kids going nuts makes me want to shoot myself in the head forget leg ! My family and myself are scared of me I just know I need some loving support not judgements nothingness but emotional help clearly I’m lacking with some emotion inbalancement. Take care mothers and God bless you all your all beautiful inside out don’t let anything or anyone change that !!!! Honestly this mother is amazing in sharing her life changing story this is amazingly honest and so us ( even when we don’t want to admit it it’s every human best believe !!! ) xoxoox

  105. My question us when I get angry it’s more because my husband is fooling around with his depressed little princess mistress I met and I had three of his kids I never have me time I was upset and now it turned into angry I don’t know what to do because I never had this with three of my other kids but I got it with my fourth child and I’m wanting to throw my husband to a wall and his fulgy mistress she didn’t help with the feeling cause first time meeting her she acts like a depressed little princess who is 22 years old and I act much older then I am I held in alot of feelings from my past relationship with my oldest child dad and I am wanting to explod because I feel so much angry and I did agree on a open Marriage but I been faithful for the past 4 years of our marriage soon to be 5 years it’s getting to me and it seems like I can’t talk to him at all cause I worry he will get mad at me but I been so fustrated and I don’t know who I am is this a sign of postpartume depression?

  106. I know this an old post. Yet I have to read it on my roughest days. Thank you.

  107. I feel this way right now. I do not know what to do! It feels like it is always there no matter the ways I try to calm myself the next trigger happens and I’m in the same spot again. I am absoulty terrified of medications. I’ve been working out and writing, getting angry out in healthy ways but there is always more anger. I just want to scream and smash things and I often do and just cry after. I feel so lost.

    • Heather King says:

      Hello there, I’m wondering if maybe some counseling/therapy would be helpful for you. Sometimes we all need help working through things and how to better approach changing the responses our brains have gotten used to. I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. I know what it’s like.

      Peace to you,

      Heather

  108. I know this is an old post, but how did you manage to overcome it?

Trackbacks

  1. […] Uncontrollable Anger Can Be a Part of Postpartum Depression – Anger is a symptom of postpartum depression, though most people don't recognize it as one. One mom shares how she dealt with the uncontrollable anger. […]

  2. […] Uncontrollable Anger Can Be a Part of Postpartum Depression – Anger is a symptom of postpartum depression, though most people don't recognize it as one. One mom shares how she dealt with the uncontrollable anger. […]

  3. […] Postpartum rage, is so common, and I never imagined I’d find as many other new moms saying “me too” as I did when I finally started to share my experience with rage. […]

  4. […] Uncontrollable Anger Can Be a Part of Postpartum Depression – Anger is a symptom of postpartum depression, though most people don't recognize it as one. One mom shares how she dealt with the uncontrollable anger. […]

  5. […] became angry. The guilt I was carrying about so many things came out as rage. At her, at everyone. I was mad at […]

  6. […] that motherhood doesn’t have to feel hopeless. That they don’t need to feel filled with rage. That intrusive thoughts don’t actually mean they’ll hurt their child. That it’s […]

  7. […] I started experiencing nursing aversions. I hated breastfeeding. It was an icky, angry feeling that often made me feel tremendous guilt. I knew that breast milk was still good for her, still biologically normal. I’d donated my milk for months and never felt as irritated with my pump as I was getting with my toddler. It was bringing back flashes of rage, which was my major symptom of postpartum depression. […]