Last night I was itching for a fight. My husband wasn’t doing a SINGLE thing the way I wanted him to. In fact, I felt he wasn’t doing what I wanted him to do on purpose. So I got mad. Scary mad. I felt like he never did anything I wanted him to do, and didn’t care.This, despite the fact that he had gone on a father/son outing with our boy (and my dad) during the day to a Braves game, then went to the grocery store and then cooked dinner, which was waiting for me when I got home with our daughter.
So what. He was still a jerk, I thought. And we had one hell of a fight.
This morning I had to make that call. You know the one.
I’m sorry. It was my fault. I was crazy.
And I was. Temporarily. Most of the time I’m pretty even-tempered. I’m a nice person. I know my husband is a good guy even though he annoys me some times, just like I’m sure I annoy him. I’m not a rage-aholic by any stretch of the imagination. I don’t like yelling. At anyone.
It so happens, though,that I have my … guess what?… period. Usually, for about 2 days in the whole period process I get a short-temper. I feel more controlling. Sometimes I lose it, like last night. (Could this have been a predictive sign that I was going to get a postpartum mood disorder? I think so!)
My behavior last nightreminds me of the symptoms of anger and irritability that many moms with postpartum depression and antenatal depression get. Many of you say you have been surprised by the rage you feel with PPD. I have to admit I really wanted to punch my husband right in the face. That’s pretty surprising.
I’m glad I don’t feel like that much anymore, except on the very rare occasion, like last night. It’s scary. I don’t like it one bit. How about you?
Photo: Fotolia - © Jason Stitt
About Katherine Stone
Katherine Stone
Girrrrrl, I could have written this to the letter (well, except I have all girls) … but yeah. It is scary and I hate it and I do struggle with these feelings of anger & irritability on a monthly basis (some months worse than others) which is why I'm on a low-dose of antidepressants. I wholly believe this is residual from postpartum depression or maybe it's the other way around as you say. In any case, mood disorders: the gift that keeps on giving!
Thank you for posting this.
One time in the middle of the night while frantically trying to get our son back to sleep and for some reason (?) having a fight about it, I threw a bunch of pillows at him and told him I hated him.
I should have seen having hateful thoughts about this man, that I adore and would never dream of hurting physically or emotionally, much sooner than I did.
That was one of my biggest symptoms aside from crippling anxiety. At Easter (Good Friday) I put my foot through a wicker chair because my husband wasn't home in time for the fish fry at a local legion. Like my foot went through it. I punched a hole in our pantry. I kicked my bathroom wall. And when the anger was so intense, I resorted to cutting my arms to release the pain. It's awful and I was very frightened that o wouldn't control it. But I guess that's how PPD makes you feel…out of control.
Ohhhh I just love that description of feeling like your hubby never does things the way you want him to – even though he just has! It is soooo how I feel premenstrually.
I know I've had pms days(prior to ppmd)where I could imagine nuking a small nation if I had a button to activate nuclear arms. It's tough. Hope you are feeling more mellow today.
My hubby says it feels like crap to be on the receiving end of pms, but hey, it's no fun being on our side either.
Virtual Big Hug to you (it always makes me feel better:)
Oh my gosh, the anger…I think that might have been one of the worst parts of PPD for me. It was insane, all-consuming, white-hot anger that was so frightening to behold. I've thrown a cell phone through a wall. Like, completely through it. I've gotten violent with my husband, which I'm so ashamed to say. When I was pregnant with my first son, my mood swings were so bad that I told my husband that I felt like there was a different person in my body. I literally could not control the words coming out of my mouth, no matter how hard I tried. It was so, so awful.
Katherine-
It's interesting that you bring this up! When I have my period (or am just about to get it), I feel like my Zolft is not anywhere near me!! It's as if I have never been on a medication at all. Scary!! I wonder if there have been any research studies on this?
This is a great blog, interesting posts. I guess I felt the need to suggest what most people are told, but maybe in everyday life, don't fully put into practice, that medication helps, but does not fully manage symptoms of depression and anxiety. There are many modalities of talk therapy and types of self-help that feed into the the mix to treat symptom management. Two modalities that come to mind are DBT, which is a structured, research-based, skill-based way to manage emotions and also Gottman Couples Therapy, which is a structured, research-based, skill-based method which helps people manage emotions surrounding relationships. Sometimes these skills are useful in managing symptoms in addition to medication.
Hi @Elizabeth There is a book called Women's Moods, which describes the fluctuations of medication present in a woman's bloodstream and how this is affected by hormonal changes (ie monthly menses). A great read.
take care, Kathy
I am so relieved to hear others describe their rages. It truly feels like I CANNOT control what comes out of my mouth on these occasions. Glad others understand — it helps me feel a little bit more normal
I think that was my first clue that something was really going on with me. I have an 18 yr history of depression, but I have NEVER had the rage Ive felt with PPD. I get that feeling of fire in my chest and I thing Im literally going to explode.
Glad to know Im not the only one out there experiencing it!
Kathy-
Many thanks on the book referral – I've already ordered it and look forward to reading it!!
Thank you!
I can totally relate, not to you but to your husband. It's just like last week when my wife was so irritable at me. I didn't even do anything. Or maybe, that's why. 'Cause everytime she gets irritated when she has her menstrual period, I just keep quiet. I don't want to add up on the "reasons" of her irritability. She's been taking some natural remedy for anxiety for years now since she gave birth to our first child. The doctor said her depressions are due to loss of libido. I'm glad to find out that I'm not the only one with a wife suffering from PPD. I'm telling you on behalf of your husband, it's driving us nuts too. Have a nice day!
I'm grateful to have found this- I had my baby girl 14 weeks ago, and for about the past 5 weeks the anger and anxiety has been through the roof. I actually TEACH conflict resolution (anger management) and an usually pretty even tempered, but for the past few weeks my anger can come so suddenly and so intensely I shake and rage (through things, scream at the top of my lungs, kick things) until I am physically exhausted. and over silly things- the cats fighting, there being a single dish in the sink, the tv remote batteries dying, you name it. I always keep a tidy house, but that has gotten nuts too- if one thing is out of place my anxiety kicks in and I have to clean everything in sight or it seems like I will lose my mind. I called my NP today and made an appt for next week. I havent cried so much in my life- hopefully its over soon.
Anger is sometimes the only thing that kept me going. I got some good advice from someone: anger is just an emotion, what you do with it is what matters. If you have a wonderful husband and a schedule that allows please look into a (albeit weird and diametrically opposed ) balance of yoga and KICKBOXING. There is nothing better than taking out all that pent up aggression/frustration/anxiety/sadness/overwhelming-ness/new mommy freak out whatever on a well worn boxing bag. Plus, that's the bag's job-to let you pound away (and i used to yell at it too)! Not your husband's job, not your kid's and frankly not even your therapist or your best friend– just you and the bag! And there's the added bonus of feeling kinda like a bad ass when you put on your gloves
THe yoga can help with the anxiety and that achy gross feeling you get when you're bummed and gives you a moment to reflect on how awesome you and the people in your life are. I WISH i had found this blog when i was in the throes of PPD–but that is another story. 
.
I know its been awhile and i'm sure your are good – but i thought i would send you some good vibes and say it does pass.