Some moms start suffering panic attacks as the chief manifestation of postpartum anxiety. Panic attacks can involve having a racing heart, tightening in the chest or chest pains, shortness of breath, hyperventilating, dizziness or feeling weak, numbness and tingling and/or muscle cramps. People who are having them often don’t recognize them for what they are. Instead, they may think they are having a heart attack, or a stroke, or are suffering from some awful disease. Amy from Twisted Tiara was kind enough to share her postpartum panic and postpartum anxiety experience with the readers of Postpartum Progress:
A year ago, if you’d invited me to the beach, to shop an amazing sale, or even to meet you for coffee, I would have said no. I would have told you I had an upset stomach or a prior commitment.
In truth, I have Postpartum Anxiety and Panic Disorder. A year ago, not long after the birth of my third child, I was reluctant to leave my house unless I had absolutely no choice.
I have had some anxious tendencies all my life, which I understand much better in hindsight than I did at the time. My last pregnancy and postpartum period, however, brought forth panic like I had never known. I felt edgy, nervous and agitated all the time. The full-scale panic attacks began during the pregnancy, and worsened after delivery.
The panic attacks seemed to come from nowhere. They would often begin with difficulty concentrating, dizziness, or a tingling sensation under my skin; almost like my entire body had “fallen asleep”. The initial feeling freaked me out and heightened my perception of every little sensation in my body. My thoughts turned to potential causes of the symptoms – was it a heart attack, a seizure, a tumor, a stroke?
The fear of dying or having a medical crisis increased the panic, which only caused more physical symptoms. I would shake, sweat, develop phantom pains all over, and believe I was a hair’s breadth away from passing out. I felt completely out of control.
I developed phobias. I became afraid to drive, because the helplessness caused by the panic made me feel incapable of maintaining control of a vehicle. Horrifying thoughts of passing out behind the wheel and killing my children plagued me. I hated to do the dishes because I was afraid to handle the sharp knives. What if I had a psychotic break and stabbed myself, my children? I didn’t trust myself to stay me – it was as if a hideous beast was lurking beneath my skin, poised to take control and destroy my world.
“What if,” became my mantra. My thoughts constantly strayed to, “What if (insert horrible incident here)?” I began each day in fear of my own mind – “What if I have a panic attack today? What if this time I really lose my mind, permanently?”
I hated being alone. I was sure that I was dying of an undiagnosed disease, and that it was only a matter of time before I dropped to the floor in front of my daughters, traumatizing them for life and abandoning them against my will. More than once, my husband had to hold me and convince me that I didn’t need to go to the emergency room. Still, I had a complete cardiology workup, MRI, and so much blood work I’m surprised I didn’t run dry.
Day after day, I white knuckled it, pissed off at this damn disease of postpartum anxiety for robbing me of happy days with my family, yet too fragile to fight it. More than once I found myself thinking, “If I have to feel this way forever, I’d rather be dead.” My family was the only thing that kept me getting out of bed in the morning.
I began talk therapy, during which I was given advice on using cognitive behavioral therapy techniques to manage my phobias. I struggled through months of trial and error before finding medications and dosages that helped quell the symptoms enough for me to start gathering strength again.
I built my arsenal of weapons against the panic. I loaded my mp3 player with meditation and affirmation podcasts that I could listen to as I drove. I took note of anything that relaxed me, so I could turn to it when I felt my anxiety build. (These things are so random – anything from having my daughter brush my hair to listening to Harry Potter audio books.) I wrote quotes and positive messages on index cards and carried them with me. “You are in control.” “It is going to be a great day!” I listened to empowering songs. I started keeping a journal. I learned creative visualization techniques.
I also committed to anxiety prevention. I limit the things I do out of obligation, and I remove myself from triggering situations without feeling too guilty. I pay attention to my diet, since hunger, thirst, or sudden drops in blood sugar seem to leave me vulnerable to panic. I try hard to get enough sleep. I take my meds correctly.
I’m still fighting, but I have hope again. Last summer, I thought I was a lost cause. It took a lot of time and effort, but now I know I have the power to defeat the panic. Everyone does. If you’re struggling, please keep fighting.
When you’re ready, I’d love to meet you for coffee.
About Katherine Stone
Katherine Stone
I LOVE this post. This is and was me. I have suffered terrible panic attacks since an accident I had a few years ago. It is so great to her another woman's story as no one I know suffers this. Where can I ask for permission to republish this in my blog? Thank you!
Jenna
momofmanyhats.blogspot.com
I can't give you permission to republish it, but you are certainly welcome to link to it!
This is EXACTLY me. When I started developing symptoms, panic attacks and crippling anxiety was the forefront of my illness. I thought I was losing my mind and since the panic attacks were worse when I left the house I stayed home. That developed into agoraphobia and I locked myself in my home for weeks.
This is such a topic that needs to be talked more of because I was always feeling like I was going to die. I never knew that this was a symptom of PPD/PPA.
Thank you SOOOOOO much for sharing this.
Hugs to you.
Panic attacks are the worst. Since I still suffer them from time to time (my daughter is 2 1/2). My husband and I have worked out a rating scale 1-10. If I am in an uncomfortable situation and the "tingling arms" or "floaty/spacy" feeling in my head begins…I give him my number of severity and he quickly takes over watching the kids and getting me home. I've found ativan is amazing for stopping anxiety attacks.
I also started a "what if" tree when I was having the "what if" thoughts. I took all the "what ifs" and wrote them on a piece of paper (similar to a family tree style) and forced myself to write something positive at the end of each statement….what if this is completely temporary and I'll feel fine in a few minutes. What if I never have another panic attack again…
Thank you so much for sharing your story….it helps us all to better understand the powerful effects of the mind, body , and nervous system …and how those coping mechanism can go completely astray…and defy no logic. But the experience is real !! Glad you are feeling beter !
Wow- I felt so similar during my last trimester and until recently (Im 6 mo PP). I also am learning to fight this by going to counseling and pretty much never left the hosue for 3 months which was easy to do since all I had to tell people is " Its flu season and the Dr said not to expose the baby". Then April came and I realized that excuse wasnt valid..
Continued prayers for your recovery (and all the others who suffer from this).
You're not the only one that has come up with excuses for why to not reach out to the doctor. It happens all the time. I'm glad, however, that you realized what you were going through was a valid enough reason to reach out for help. Keep taking care of yourself!!
Thank you for sharing your experience. What an encouragement to other Mothers encountering similar things.
What a great way to capture the exact thoughts and feelings of panic and anxiety. I never had anxiety let alone panic attacks until after my second child 15 months ago. It is still a daily struggle although there is less panic and more anxiety now which is more manageable. Thanks for sharing. I don't think that many people make the connection to it being a postpartum issue that is cureable with the right help.
This is exactly how I felt in the weeks after having my daughter. It actually lasted through the year and through various tries of medications. It subsided for about 2 years until I was pregnant with my son and a year later, I am still coping. I have found many mechanisms much like you to overcome it and have done countless hours of research to try to figure out the triggers of it. Initially I thought it was a lack of estrogen but as I’m finding, it is a lack of progesterone! I am on a mission to help every woman who suffers to get help and not be afraid of what they are facing, we are normal! While progesterone levels might not be what causes it for everyone, I am a fan of getting the word out even if it only helps one person. Your family doctor can do a simple test to see if this might be a trigger. Best luck and calm vibes to everyone!
I felt almost the same thing, although not as severe, but close. It was not related to pregnancy, as I am a man. It’s great to read this type of thing because I know that I am not alone and not losing my mind. Thanks.
This is amazing that you shared this story, as when i was going through this, i felt like i was the only person in the world, and that i was loosing my mind, i started getting the panic attacks when my son was 8 days old, they were herrendous. i had to call the paramedics on several occasions, convinced i was dying from a heart attack, and the feeling i was loosing control. ive been on meds now for 7 years and they really do help. i remember when health visitors and doctors used to tell me it will get better, i never beleived them, i thought it was the end for me, but fortunatly it does get better with the right help.
hugs to you
I’m actually going through this now I have birth 2 weeks ago tomorrow and every since leaving hospital I have felt like this I just wish it would go away I keep thinking I have a lump in my throat and that I’m going to die I really wish I could fight this coz its making me really unhappy !