Postpartum Depression After Infertility

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infertility depressionI reached out again to our Facebook fans to see if anyone wanted to share their story of postpartum depression after treatment for infertility, and was so pleased to receive the following story from the blogger at a.k.a. mrs. X. Going through infertility treatments has been shown to be a risk factor for PPD, so it’s important to share stories like these …

Pull up a chair, pour yourself a glass and I’ll tell you about what I consider to be one of the more nasty secrets about infertility: the shame of having postpartum depression after you’ve worked for five years to have the baby.

I’ve written before that while I was trying to have a baby, I was very focused on actually having the baby. I was not concerned with what happened once the baby arrived. Either I didn’t believe that there would be a baby or I didn’t want to jinx the run of good luck that got me pregnant and cooking said baby. So, no thought whatsoever was given to the postpartum period of life.

And then, I had the baby, the wailing, lung-strong, hungry, tired baby. The (very normal) baby who woke us in the middle of the night with his fire alarm screams, who spit up on every non-washable surface, who was like the crazy roommate that you question your sanity for inviting into the house. I felt like I had the world’s worst case of buyer’s remorse but Icouldn’t tell anyone about it because I had done just about everything possible to (literally) buy this bundle of joy.

There were many times in those first few months when I wanted to give him back – back to whom I couldn’t articulate. I just wanted to return him, say “Sorry, made a mistake, lost the receipt, please take him back, he’ll be so much more happy elsewhere,” and we’ll go back to our regularly scheduled programming. I would feel terrible for having these thoughts, and then feel doubly terrible because I had wanted this experience so badly. Talk about a vicious cycle. Bad thought, bad thought for having the bad thought, rinse and repeat.

It never occurred to me at that time that having been through infertility I would be more prone to having postpartum depression. If I even began to think about having PPD, I quickly concluded that I wasn’t allowed to have postpartum depression after infertility. Yes, I wasn’t allowed because I had begged to be a mother. Rex wasn’t an oops or even a timely planned baby. He was way overdue by the time he did arrive, so much that I was afraid he wasn’t going to show at all. So how on earth could I then have the feelings that I was having? This could not be a rational world where I was allowed to have these thoughts and not be utterly ungrateful.

It took me a long time to recognize that I wasn’t ungrateful for having Rex. I was normal. I was a normal new first time mom who had been through the wringer for longer than recommended and was still trying to find that new comfort zone. And, I had postpartum depression. And the PPD was treatable.

I’m so much better now. There were so many moms who told me that it would get better and I thought, “maybe for you!” but they were right. It got so much better. I really enjoy being a mom now and I think I’m pretty darned good at it, too.

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About Katherine Stone

is the founder & editor of Postpartum Progress. She was named one of the ten most influential mom bloggers of 2011, a WebMD Health Hero and one of the top 25 parent bloggers using social media for social good. She also writes the Fierce Blog, and a parenting column for Disney's Babble.com.

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  1. I can relate to every single word of this post. I can clearly recall the added guilt of wondering how I could possibly be so miserable after all I had gone through to bring this child into the world. Shouldn't I, more than anyone else, have been giddy with delight after such a difficult struggle? The added guilt that goes along with PPD after Infertility makes the struggle that much more difficult to overcome.
    Thank you for sharing this with your readers.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] i struggled bf to the point my bay just didnt want the breast atall. i think thats what pushed me over the edge. i had a v difficult baby who never slept screamed 24/7 and had severve milk intolerence and reflux. i had the perfect image of what my life would be like. it wasnt perfect i felt like it was a living hell. i didnt feel this love that i had imagined all my life. aslong as ur aware that if u sink into pnd get help asap. i thought about suicide and allsorts v frightening as iv never felt like that before. it could just be hormones hun and u may be find post postpartum. http://www.postpartumprogress.com/po…er-infertility [...]