Trigger warning: If you are currently suffering from intrusive thoughts this story may trigger additional upsetting thoughts and it may be better to skip it. ~ Katherine
We often talk about the intrusive thoughts of postpartum anxiety and postpartum OCD here on Postpartum Progress, things like envisioning dropping your baby down the stairs, or much worse. I recently heard from a reader who asked why we don’t discuss the unwanted sexual thoughts that can sometimes be a part of intrusive thoughts. It was a great question, because it happens. So I invited Beth to share her story with us.
I was the expectant mother who read everything she could get her hands on about her unborn child. Before she was born, I had dutifully checked off each item that I would need for my new baby. My pregnancy was a breeze, and I felt proud of delivering a healthy 8-pound, 13-ounce baby girl “J.”
The first couple of months went as well as you could expect with a new infant. I was enjoying being a new mother and breastfeeding was going well, but J had a lot of gas and she wouldn’t nap due to acid reflux. I was having a hard time, but it was nothing out of the ordinary. However, other things outside of my daughter started affecting my anxiety levels. My grandmother was very ill and had been hospitalized, information I didn’t learn until after my daughter was born because my mother didn’t want to upset me. One month later she died. The other thing that made me more anxious was my husband’s new job required him to work more hours than we had originally planned, leaving me to do more by myself. We also didn’t have a lot of family and friends to help out on a regular basis. Emotionally I was already teetering, and then I had my first intrusive thought three months after my daughter was born. My world fell apart.
I was changing her diaper and a horrible thought of molesting my daughter flashed through my mind. I spent the next few days trying to understand why I would think such a thing. A normal mother would never think something like that. I thought that something was terribly wrong with me because only a terrible person who belonged behind bars would ever think of something that horrible. The more I worried about the thought, the more unsettled and anxious I got. The thoughts got worse and came at me more frequently. I remember praying frantically, thinking that some sort of evil spirit had taken me over. I withered in silence for a month or so before telling my husband. He tried to help me, but I couldn’t listen. I couldn’t even admit to him how bad it was. All the while, the thoughts got worse and more frequent.
In the meanwhile, I quit my job to stay at home with J. I joined playgroups and a local church, anything to stay busy, but being around other “normal” moms made me feel worse. What would they think if they knew the kind of thoughts I had? They wouldn’t want me to be around their children. They would think I was a horrible person.
Calling to make an appointment with a therapist was difficult. I was afraid that if I told her what I had thought that someone would take my baby away. Somehow I made the appointment and very slowly my story unfolded. I told her about my best friend’s family that I had become very close to at a young age. My single mom appreciated me having a friend whose family welcomed me into their home after school and during the summers. They were a good family who adopted and fostered children. They were active participants in their church. They had a large family and they welcomed me into it with open arms. When I was a teenager, my mother married someone that I didn’t get along with and I went to live with this family.
Shortly after I moved in, one of the girls told me that her father had sexually abused her. I confronted the parents, only to find out that it was true, and that it had not only happened to her, but many of the children. Then they asked me to keep this secret. So I kept it. To my detriment, I kept their secret. I was never abused myself and the abuse was not happening while I lived there, but it had happened. Knowing what had happened and not being able to talk about it, and on some level accepting it by keeping the secret, created a lot of fear and anger in my heart, but I couldn’t deal with it then. So I tucked it away.
All of this fear surfaced when I had J. I was so afraid that something like this could happen to her somehow. The fears didn’t make sense. I was not at risk to be an abuser myself, but none of that mattered. All that mattered to me was that I had had these terrible, unthinkable thoughts and that was enough damnation in my mind. I felt that because I had these terrible thoughts that I would forever be scarred and never the same again. I wanted so badly to take it back or get a do-over. I felt I would never be the mother that I could have been because of these unwanted, intrusive thoughts.
I was hesitant to take antidepressants because I was breastfeeding. But one day I had had enough. The thoughts were bad and I felt like it would never end. I was walking around the house crying and I picked up the phone and called my lactation consultant about going on meds. She supported my decision and I made an appointment with a doctor at my OB office. Luckily, he was very helpful and supportive. Unfortunately, I didn’t stay on that particular antidepressant because I felt out of it and thought it was too strong and didn’t want to pass it on to my daughter, so I went off and tried herbs and tinctures instead. They didn’t work.
Finally, after my daughter’s first birthday and encouragement from my therapist I got put on an antidepressant that worked for me. I started to notice a difference about a month later, and it got me over the hump. I felt like I could deal with this. Yoga and meditation practice has also been helpful in my recovery.
I am doing much better now. I am still having productive therapy sessions and the intrusive thoughts are much less frequent and bothersome. It’s the memory of my postpartum anxiety experience that is the most vivid in my mind. Now, I mostly obsess over how I’m doing and am constantly evaluating myself. I have had a few setbacks that, at the time, were devastating, but each time it was easier to get back up than the time before. I’ve learned to be more compassionate with myself, and I realize that it takes time to get completely better, but the difference now is that I truly believe that I will get there. Through this whole ordeal I can say that I have learned a lot about myself, and all of the work that I have done on myself is making me a better mother and a better person, and for that I am grateful.
Thank you so much for sharing your story Beth. It is possible for women to have unwanted thoughts of a sexual nature as part of their illness. These thoughts can happen regardless of whether you have a history of sexual abuse. It is important to know you are not alone, and you can get help.
About Katherine Stone
Katherine Stone
Wow. It is amazing how far we can come, isn't it? So many of who suffer have symptoms that are so scary, and we are unable to understand! It is almost as if out brain is "broken"; hence all of the disturbing and odd symptoms…but knowing that with time, we do heal, gives us strength to hang in there!
Thanks for sharing…how very brave!
Thank you for addressing this. I also want to put in a word for moms who have these thoughts but do not have any background with sexual abuse. I can understand the feeling that a background of it would provide at least some explanation, would make it easier to explain away. What about the moms without this history?
Great point. You are exactly right. You don't have to have a history of sexual abuse to have thoughts of this nature.
Beth's story brought me to tears. Her last paragraph was well written.
Having had thoughts about hurting my kids, it really helped me to realize that the root of the thoughts was simply that I was terrified of someone else hurting them. Knowing I would not hurt them helped me to remind my self when I had the thoughts that I was just setting up a mental safeguard to keep them safe. This mostly happened as I was falling asleep at night when my first 2 were little. Now with my 3rd, I rarely if ever have these thoughts. So remember, if you have these thoughts it is because you are a good mom who actually wants to protect your kids, not hurt them!
Beth, I commend you for writing about the sexual tohughts part of PP/OCD. I was never sexually abused as a child but I still had them fast and furious after my now 2 year old was 6 months old. The shame I felt when I had them was awful. I know where they stem from though… my fear of my son being molested. My brother was molested and a few more boys in the town I grew up in where molested as well. I also have a 23 year old son and I almost never let him out of my sight while he was growing up. When I was seeking help for my pp/ocd, I would always tell my story and scare a therapist into almost admitting me. Your story prompts me to maybe tell my story on here… maybe I can help a mommy too.
I am so thrilled that you wrote this, Beth. I ended up with a pp psychosis after my anxiety and OCD spiralled out of control. I finally realized the thoughts that I was having were intrusive thoughts. The difference was that I thought my husband was a molestor. I was never molested and he is so not a molestor. I don't know why it happened, but it was awful, pure hell. I thought other people were going to harm my daughters, too, but since he was always there, I always thought he harming them. Talk about something you can't talk about with anyone! Finally, reluctantly, and urgently I made an appointment with a therapist who told me gently that I "should have been on medication yesterday." The worst part was that I couldn't sort out was I thought it was my intuition- all because of some male cop on Oprah who told women to listen to their fear. (Don't listen to a man about what your intuition is, ladies.)
It was a symptom, a treatable one. To this day, many people know I had a psychosis, but very few know about these thoughts because I'm still ashamed I had them.
I am much better now, as my daughers are nearly 3 and 4, but it's taken a lot of therapy, medication, exercise, meditation, and creativity.
Also, if you're having these intrusive thoughts, here are a few other things that helped me…
-Turn off the news!!!
-Don't watch any tv covering child sexual abuse, especially Oprah!
Thank you for your bravery. I was never able to tell my therapist about these thoughts. I just harbored them in the dark recesses, thinking I was a monster. Thank you for bringing me into the light and freeing me!
It's too bad that your therapist didn't bring up the subject herself. Intrusive sexual thoughts are a pretty common OCD theme (examples of other common themes are cleanliness obsessions, and religious themes). It should be standard practice for the doctor or therapist to ask about this because patients, not knowing how common it is, are understandably frightened to bring it up themselves. It really is simple to say something along the lines of "Sometimes new mothers are bothered by disturbing images that won't stop popping into their heads. Common examples are fears about germs, vivid images of accidents, images of physical or sexual abuse, or recurring thoughts about the devil or of doing something blasphemous. Has anything like this been bothering you?" Think of the time that could be saved and the misery and shame that could be avoided! This is "Mental Health 101", but so many of us health professionals don't have a clue.
Thank you, Beth. Now I know I am not alone on my road to recovery. Some days I just feel like I am going backwards, but this helped me know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for putting my thoughts into words.
Well said. That is so true and a very positive way to look at something that feels so negative. Thanks for the insights.
We've talked about my intrusive thoughts. I've simply never brought up the sexual onse. I appreciate your thoughts. For the record, though, my therapist is amazingly insightful.
Thank you so so much for having the courage to write about this. I never had the intrusive thoughts and I can't even begin to imagine how terrifying they are. You are helping so many women by telling your story. Thank you.
This is such an amazing and powerful story, and I think you're incredibly brave to share with people who could greatly benefit from your honesty. Thank you so much for the wonderful insight into an underreported and undertreated disorder.
It is very uplifting to know you are healing. You are a inspiration to me for honestly and bravely sharing your story and helping so many people.
"Survivor," above, said "Turn Off the TV" – I couldn't agree more! I don't know when we decided that rape and murder were so darn intriguing, but it seems like fully half the shows on TV deal with murder and mayhem… That Special Victim's version of Law and Order gives me the creeps. Who finds rape and child molestation ENTERTAINING? Turn it off, get it out of your head. Watch something nice, or read a magazine instead. And this advice goes for the news, too. Nothing good comes from being saturated in violence 24/7.
That said, I haven't watched the news regularly since 2002, and yet I've still had the exact same intrusive thoughts about molesting my kids (starting in 2005).
What I've been told by several professionals is that if you can recognize that the thought is horrifying, you're not going to do it. The intrusive thought, if it's disgusting to you, is not going to become a behavior (no matter how often the thought intrudes). It's the people who have the thought and are turned on by it who have the potential to truly harm kids.
So if your brain fires a picture of you molesting your baby or killing your baby at you, and you recoil, congratulations! You're normal! Now get yourself some Zoloft so you can stop being haunted by your own mind. Don't be afraid to tell. It's the only way to get help.
Amy, what you said is enlightening and I think it will relieve a lot of people. This blog rocks.
To build upon what you said about tv, when healing is to be careful what you "feed your brain." I am careful about not only what I watch, but what I read. I'm in a book club and I've made it pretty clear that some ideas for books I just couldn't read. While I'm continuing to heal, I make the choice of primarily watching and reading comedy or lighthearted and uplifting stuff.
Art/creativity also helps me greatly. The nurse at the doctor's office told me she relaxes with crayons and a coloring book at night. I just loved that. It's so simple, but a great way to meditate if you don't consider yourself artistic or whatnut.
None of these things replace therapy and medication for me, but they are tools for continued healing.
I have the same thing!! Only it's gotten so bad I question myself when I get theses thoughts.Like when I changed a diaper I was getting the thought "you're enjoying this in a bad way" but I kept cleaning my baby and these thoughts were there so I feel as if I acted on them!!! It's breaking my heart!!
Chris, remember that it's the anxiety. That is what is causing you to feel panicy. When you have a second after one of these attacks, try taking some breaths and start noticing the physical things, sounds, smells in your environment to help get you out of your own head. It will pass. One book that really helped me was Emotional Alchemy by Tara Bennett-Goleman. It's not about PPD. It's about mindfulness practice and emotional work.
Thank you so much for this story! I had the intrusive thoughts of a sexual nature when my son was 6 months old. I tried to assure myself that I loved my baby and would never hurt him. But the thoughts were so horrible and I was so sickened by them that I had a 4 day panic attack that landed me in the ER with dehydration (I lost 12 lbs). I went on Zoloft and began seeing my therapist. She saved me…she also had PP OCD when she became a mother and assured me I was going to be okay. The problem is I have never read a story where someone else had the intrusive thoughts of a sexual nature, so I still felt like I was alone in it or "worse" than others. I am so happy to read that other women have gone through, and moved beyond what I suffered from. Thank you.
I am so glad you wrote this, I had the same sexual thought as well over and over, I did not know where it came from and was so scard that I wanted to check myself into a hospital, through therapy and medication, I have had gotten so much better, OCD is a dirty little liar, ladies, if you have sexual IT's, remember it is just a thought and don't try to define yourself by it. I did not have any other thoughts, so I thought I did not have OCD, but I did and do. Thank you.
I think it's in part because of the media. I mean you see these news clips about molesters and sometimes the family members are like "we had no idea" but in reality if you had known these people in person you might have seen clues!! I WAS molested as a child and that is why my OCD never really took on the sexual thoughts. Because I knew what a molester was like and that he really enjoyed his thoughts so I knew firsthand that I was nothing like that. I'm tired of the media lying to us like people can't control themselves…they can. I'm tired of the media acting like people who are molesters truly hate themselves for it – maybe some do but for the most part they enjoy themselves and intentionally seek out children. And that is not me. And it's not you either.
This is a great post. I truly struggled for almost a whole year with sexual IT and it nearly killed me. They came on shortly after my third son was born- never before. I had no idea what was happening to me.
I agree about turning off the TV. I couldn't watch the news or read anything disturbing about children.
I was never molested and never thought of myself as an overly sexual person. I had no idea where this was coming from and it was the worse stuff to share with my sister and husband- my best support system in the world. I thought if I just kept telling them- I would protect myself and my kids from me! Truly grueling times.
Fortunately, a good therapist, psychiatrist and some Lexapro evened me out. But it took a long time.
Now I'm due with my 4th boy. My outlook is hopeful. Now I know what to look out for….
Megan,
I'm so sorry for your struggle. I'm so glad you had good heathcare providers to support you and help you recover.
- K
Thank you so much for this. It describes everything I am thinking and feeling. I have started talking to someone and also have an appt with my Dr to discuss medication options. I am so happy to have found this site, it let's me know I'm not alone.