Alexis Lesa describes her constant fears of losing her husband or children while she had postpartum anxiety.
I never used to think about death. As a teenager, I thought I was untouchable, invincible, like many teenagers are apt to do. I didn’t understand what it might mean to lose someone; I didn’t experience a death in my family until I was 24 years old. When I got married, though, overnight I became aware of the possibility of having something invaluable taken away from me. However, it wasn’t until I developed postpartum anxiety that I became preoccupied with the topic. It began to fill my brain, taking on a life of its own and sometimes making it difficult to focus on anything else.
An obsession with death and dying can be a symptom of postpartum anxiety, especially in those women with postpartum OCD. Of course, at the time I didn’t know this, so I just thought I was losing my mind. I had to check on my son at least twice before I went to sleep every night, and I often found myself getting out of bed to make sure the front door was locked, even though I always lock the door behind me when I get home. Every time we’d drive on the freeway, I would lock the car doors because I had a recurring waking nightmare about a door malfunctioning and me or one of my family members being sucked out of the car, kind of like in the movies when an airplane door is opened mid-flight.
At night, I would pray to God to keep my husband and son (and eventually sons) safe. Then I would lie in bed and panic — sometimes cry — thinking about having to go on with life without my husband or baby. It often took hours before I could sleep, and once in a while I’d find myself repeating over and over into thin air, “Please just keep them safe. Please just keep them safe. Please just keep them safe.”
I’d often think about my own death, too. Not in a suicidal way, just in a compulsive, hysterical way. What would my family do without me? What would happen to me? Would anyone go to my funeral? Who would dress my body? I didn’t want anyone to see me without clothes on. It’s almost funny in retrospect, but it was terrifying at the time. My stomach would be in knots for hours after one of my rounds of death thoughts.
Even now, though a great deal of my postpartum anxiety symptoms have abated, the fear of death and dying remains. This morning I cried for an hour after reading the blog of a woman whose son killed himself six months ago. I couldn’t stop myself from reading every entry from the last six months. She has two sons, and the oldest is gone now. I kept thinking of my own two boys and I swear, my heart stopped beating when I thought of one of them not being here anymore. I got up and went to my oldest son’s room; he was supposed to be napping, but was doing his usual routine of talking to himself to stay awake. I laid down next to him and asked him to hold me, and I told him that I loved him. He put his little arms around my neck and squeezed me so tight. I finally was able to stop crying, but I couldn’t stop the thoughts.
I’m not sure when this will go away. Perhaps it’s just a part of my personality now, like my love of reading or loud laugh. I don’t want to let it rule me, though. Sometimes I’m so paralyzed by worrying over my mortality that I don’t have time or energy to appreciate the time I have here on this earth. I suppose I need to take what’s good about this part of postpartum anxiety and run with it, since I don’t know if it’s necessarily temporary. For example, I can’t hang up the phone with my husband or go to bed for the night without saying “I love you.” I have to say it to my kids every time we part, too. My husband asked me why I feel the compulsion to say that (even when I’m angry or annoyed with him), and I told him that if he or one of our children were to die suddenly, I would want the last words they heard to be “I love you.”
So maybe I’m crazy, but at least my family will never question my love for them. In the grand scheme of things, perhaps it’s worth the trade.
Alexis Lesa
About Katherine Stone
Katherine Stone
The more and more I have read over this past week, the more I now realize that maybe what I'm going through isn't a relapse of PPD. I think that maybe it was with me all along and I was in denial. Only, it's just hitting me harder right now.
I have a constant fear of my car door opening while driving on the highway when I'm the passenger. Almost every time I go to the bathroom, mid-way through, I gain extreme panic that I'm "going" only I'm not on the toilet. I'm paranoid that my co-workers know I have PPD and they think I'm just a crazy mother wanting to be home with her baby (even though they don't know I have it). When I leave for work in the morning, half way there, I wonder if I remembered to change the baby and give him his milk (even though I know I did).
I could go on and on. It's so scary. What is wrong with me? I'm 19 months postpartum. It's not like I'm a brand new mom anymore… I have two other kids and never felt this way, ever!
Alexis, You continue to take the spinning words, feelings, ideas, images in my head– things I can't (or am just afraid to) give language to — and you write them down. You provide the language for me. Along the way, you also give me peace of mind that I'm not alone, I'm not going bat-shit crazy and that it will, someday, get better. I dare say, friend, that you have found yourself a calling– a ministry– in your ability to share yourself to help others.
I continue to this day, after being on medication since 2004 and having gone through 2.5 years of therapy, to experience considerable anxiety over death/dying. I did it before I had kids, and since becoming a mom it has only gotten worse….although the meds keep me from becoming paralyzed by it.
I find that October is the hardest month for me because I experienced my nervous breakdown in Oct 2004 and it is breast cancer awareness month, so I am being flooded left & right with news/articles about breast cancer (which my mom had).
In my experience there is no cure. There is remission. There is recovery. And it is a work in progress.
ugh..I basically consider myself a PPOCD/PPA survivor at this point. the only thing that still plagues me is the things mentioned in this article. I worry about my husband dying, my kids, but mostly..myself. I am aware I do this, and alot of times thats the first step to getting a handle on it. Honostly, I dont think I had these worries until after I really got a handle on my PPOCD and was well into recovery. maybe the intrusive thoughts made it all too real for me. whatever the case, I dont want them to rule my life
It is unbelievable how this weeks articles are making me feel that I am so not alone. My son is 2 and although I am definitely not the way I was when diagnosed with PPDOCD/Anxiety, PTSD, I still feel intusive thoughts, depression and anxiety. My son is 2 now and I NEVER had this with my other 2 boys. I am too trying to accept that this is something I will have to deal with and in time it will get better little by little. I am on meds that I cannot even consider not taking and I am still in therapy. I hate to hear about others that are still suffering but it makes me feel that I am not alone and that I am not some freak that was not able to heal from PPD. Because it has been over a year and a half since I was diagnosed you start to question if it is "PPD" anymore. When I read these articles, it makes me think that maybe it starts with PPD and then it is anxiety, OCD, etc, without the PPD before it. I know I had all of these a little bit prior to getting PPD. I really am trying not to get to the finish line but to take everyday as it comes and not beat myself up when I have an really bad day. Love to all of u and prayers that that we will all feel peace from all of this….
Been so helpful to find this site and feel not alone in what feels like a slow recovery from PPD (my daughter is 3.5) AND recognize things I hadn't realized were a part of my symptoms…like obsessive fear of loved ones dying. My husband had to travel at least once a month for the first year of our daughter's life and I would be a total mess on his travel days. When he was overseas for 10 days I became convinced I would never see him again. It also happened in the small things, on the rare occasion my daughter was out with someone, if they were late coming back, I would fall apart. To this day, if my husband and daughter are out together, I sometimes start to obsess about car accidents, etc. Since my mom died when I was a teenager, I have a lot of food for the mental fire about my own mortality. I'm so scared that something will happen to me while she's young and she won't remember me or know how much I love her. SO hard to control these thoughts, to label them and try to see them as obsessive and intrusive and not reality based. Even then it is hard to let them go.
Susan–
I lost my mom just after I turned 24. Older than you, but still too young. I, too, found that her death was a huge trigger for my fears about dying and leaving my boys motherless, as well as fear of others around me dying.
These obsessive thoughts have been with me long before I had children…a sign of the depression that I didn't know I had (for years.) Having children has intensified them 10-fold.
I know what you mean about how hard it is to control them. My heart is right there with you as a motherless mother trying to make it through. <3
Thanks Heidi. Your words provide such a good bunch of not-alone feeling.
This article is exactly how I feel…except I don't have kids..its my parents, siblings, family, boyfriend…or me, of how I'm going to die…t drives me crazy…and I know I should be enjoying the moments while we r all here..but just to know its going to happen…bothers me..it takes my freedom..how can I enjoy life when I know those things r going to happen due to death being a part of life..I don't know what to do!!
I haven't yet been diagnosed with PPD but we will see what tomorrow brings as that is when I go to see my doctor. I just seem to be walking around with this feeling of doom hanging over my head. I am terrified of the things I cant control. I cant sleep at night, during the day I will be fine one minute and than the next a thought of something happening to one of my children or my husband or my parents or my grandparents or or or… pops into my head and I cant get it out. And when that happens I have a panic attack and when that settles down a bit I burst into tears. And if its not the fear of losing a loved one or myself dieing- its the end of the world that I am terrified of. I cant even watch the same shows I used to or read books. If there is anything about death I cant read it or watch it or listen to it. Just recently in the past month I developed a fear of driving to the next town over because we could maybe possibly get in an accident on the way. Its rediculous and I cant live my life with this constant fear because it is taking over every aspect of my life. I gave birth to my daughter in July (she is my second child) and I never had any of the minor baby blues with her as I did with my son. But about 3 months ago I started feeling this way. Not until recently did I suspect that it could be PPD, because I always thought that PPD was wanting to harm yourself or you child and feelings of worthlessness. I have none of those feelings which is a good thing, but I cant handle these fears anymore. I just hope that there is something that can help me. I have been praying to God to keep us all safe but at the same time know that we are all born to die so praying for that just seems stupid. Now I find myself praying for help and Im not getting any better and I feel left all alone with these thoughts that wont get out of my head
Everything you're talking about is all too familiar, and I really feel for you. There's almost nothing worse than not being able to live a full life because you're afraid to lose the ones you love. I'm so glad you're going to the doctor, and I hope you're able to find some peace after seeing him/her. Just know, this will pass. Get whatever treatment you need to get well, and this will pass. Until then, you'll be in my thoughts.
Oh my gosh. I am so happy I found this site. Ever since I got pregnant with my second child, I started thinking, "WHAT IF something happened to my husband or daughter, or even myself?" I was convinced that I was worried because one of us was going to suffer an untimely death. I am 18 weeks along today and my fears have been compounded. Over the past month, two 6 week old babies of our friends passed away, as well as 2 women we knew, one 47 the other in her 30's, and my stepfather's grandmother. The last did not affect me much, since she was 91. But the two women especially got to me. Once I found out about the first one, I just started obsessing over how death is inevitable and I could not even see my husband or daughter playing because it made me sad to think I might lose them one day. I am at my worst now, though. When I found out about the second woman this past week, first I freaked out, then I found out she died suddenly, and I have been feeling worse than ever. I have developed a fear of tomorrow. I am afraid to not tell my family I love them because they might not be here tomorrow. I have developed a fear of not doing things perfectly because I myself could die tomorrow and I don't want to die with regret. It is consuming me and I was sure that I was feeling these things because one of us going to die soon. But I spoke with my sister and she has been experiencing the same thing since she got pregnant last May. She is actually still suffering from the same thoughts and felt the same way, like her thoughts might be a premonition. I would lie if I said I am cured now, because that feeling will find it's way back and I know that. But I find comfort in the fact that there are others like me and my sister. So hopefully I can feel some piece of mind and be able to be myself.
I also forgot to add, that while pregnant with my first child in 2005, I began to fear death near the end of my pregnancy. After I had my daughter, I felt normal enough at first, but then it started coming back. I was scared at night and I was just down. It took me all the until 2008 to feel better. I believe I am suffering the same thing with this pregnancy, only worse. It is one thing to be scared of dying or something bad happening to those around you, but if you add in people around you actually dying, it multiplies the feeling. I went though the first time with a lot of suffering, and I went through it alone. I did not seek help, nor did I understand what I was going through until way after a I felt better. But I am going to go with my gut instinct and say I need help on this one. I can not do it alone. Especially not since those around me are already grieving and scared in their own ways because of everything going on….
Thank u so much to the author and all the wonderful people who have commented. I now feel that I am not alone in my almost debilitating fears that myself, or even worse, one of my boys will die. I think about it daily, and then wonder “is this much worry normal?!?”. Now I am searching for a way to alleviate these intrusive and depressing thoughts. But, every news story and tragedy I/everyone seems to hear on a weekly basis just makes me wonder “that could happen to me” and the worrying begins again! What to do?