My Journey Through Infertility and PPD: Fighting My Way Through New Motherhood

Share Button

Please welcome Warrior Mom Kass to the blog today. She is a beautiful new mama who struggled in the past with infertility. Although she knew she was at risk for developing postpartum depression and anxiety because of her existing bipolar disorder, she was still surprised and disappointed to find herself in the fight of her life against PPD. She shares more about her experience with new motherhood over on her own blog, This Journey Is My Own. If you have any words of encouragement for this mama, I know she would love to read them in the comments.

Warrior Mom Kass

For nearly 5 years, my husband and I struggled with infertility. All we wanted was to get pregnant. After a round of IVF treatment, our longtime dream came true.

I was optimistic about my pregnancy. I planned to have an epidural-free birth at a birth center with midwives. I made the tough decision to stay on my mood stabilizer and antidepressant medications throughout my pregnancy. I knew we were committed to raising this baby no matter what the outcome.

 But things didn’t go as planned. The midwives were concerned about neonatal withdrawal syndrome from my mood stabilizer. Soon, it was discovered that I had 2 large fibroids, one of which had the responsibility of pumping nutrition and oxygen to the placenta. My baby turned breech, had slow weight gain, and needed to be delivered early via C-section. I ended up in the hospital with a spinal in my back.

 As soon as my baby was delivered, my hormones plummeted instantly. I gazed at my son in complete disbelief that he was real. I cried the night of his birth and nearly every day thereafter for 5 weeks. I was overwhelmed with the task of motherhood and suffered severe panic attacks. I endured scary thoughts. What should have been a joyous occasion turned out to be bleak and sad for me. The first week of my son’s birth, my husband was home with me to help me take care of the baby. The second week, he went back to work and I was on my own.

It really is a miracle that my son survived that second week. I was in pain and still struggling to wrap my head around the fact that I did not come home from the hospital with a doll. No, he was—and is—a living, breathing human being. I still suffered from scary thoughts regarding my son. Then, the scary thoughts turned on me.

I was on medication throughout my pregnancy so I didn’t have prenatal depression other than “normal” hormonal changes. I thought the meds I took during pregnancy would be sufficient to carry me through my early postpartum period.

They were not. I felt hopeless and worthless—all kinds of negative feelings applied to my mothering skills. I had issues bonding with my son. Because we were exclusively formula feeding, I felt as though he gravitated toward anyone who would feed him. I thought he didn’t love me and looked past me. I suffered extreme guilt. I had wanted him for so long and now that he was here, I felt as though I didn’t love him.

I stumbled upon Postpartum Progress and read through the symptoms of PPD. I thought my crying, anxiety, and obsessive thoughts might be the “baby blues,” but my symptoms were so severe that I nearly ended up in a psychiatric hospital. I finally admitted to myself that I might have postpartum depression.

I made the appointment with my psychiatrist that I hoped I wouldn’t have to make. He increased the dosage of my medications to combat my PPD and anxiety. He even diagnosed me with OCD-like tendencies. I began to participate in #PPDChat on Twitter. Thanks to my husband’s urging, I started therapy at the Postpartum Stress Center  in Rosemont, PA.

This was all within the first 5 weeks after my son’s birth.

I’ve struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts since I was 12. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 24 years old. What in the world made me think at 32 I would not suffer from postpartum depression? I knew that those with a history of mood and/or anxiety disorders before the introduction of a child are prone to PPD and related disorders afterward. I was no exception.

I realize now that it’s never too early to get treatment. Many women wait 6 months to a year before getting help, but if the symptoms are tackled right away, they can feel better sooner.

 I’m now 11 weeks postpartum and still struggling with mood and anxiety issues. My son is alive, healthy, and thriving. At times, I still feel hopeless about my ability to be a good mom. I still cry when he cries. I get frustrated. The thought still crosses my mind, “Maybe I shouldn’t have had him.” Not because of him, but because I feel wholly inadequate to be his mother.

But the online support and in-person therapy I’ve received have given me hope. Motherhood is hard. It’s one of the most difficult things I will ever do. But many women who have suffered from postpartum illness have come out on the other side to encourage me. They say it gets better. They say I’ll make it through. So far, I have. And I hope that the tenacity and determination that led to overcoming infertility will carry me through.

Share Button
About ADriane Nieves

A'Driane Nieves is a writer and artist best known for her love of Prince. She writes about navigating the nuances of motherhood and bipolar disorder type 2 along with her thoughts on various social justice issues on her blog Butterfly-Confessions.com. She lives in Austin, Texas with her husband and three boys.

Tell Us What You Think

Comments

  1. So proud of you, Kass!!! You’re amazing. Glad to meet you last night. Keep fighting, and know that the Phoenixville PostPartum Adjustment Support Group is here for you!

  2. Lots of hugs to you. It does get better, although that can be hard to believe when you’re in the thick of things. You’re stronger than you realize and I have so much admiration for you. Thank you for sharing your story.

  3. Hang in there. Sharing your story not only helps other people, but I found it to be very therapeutic as well. Take care of yourself and keep reaching out. You are a rock star!

  4. Kass, sweet angel. I have mad love and respect for you. You have pulled your story together for others who struggle WHILE you yourself continue to struggle. I am nowhere near being able to tell my story. Your courage and strength is mind blowing. I wish you lots of love and a speedy recovery. If not speedy at least a quick and healthy one. One where you feel love every step of the way. Thank you for SO much. xoxo Cristina

  5. Brave, beautiful, strong Kass. Thank you for telling your story.

  6. Sending so much love and hope to you and your family. Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, or one minute at a time. Keep taking care of yourself the best you can so you have the strength and patience to take care of your precious boy. Most of all, keep remembering that you are not alone on this journey, and you will feel better. :)

  7. May God keep you and strengthen you as you walk along the narrow path in His grace. God has you and your family and He will be your rock and care for you.

Trackbacks

  1. […] story, My Journey Through Infertility and PPD: Fighting My Way Through New Motherhood, has been posted on the blog of Postpartum Progress, a non-profit organization that seeks to raise […]