13 Things You Should Know About Grief After Miscarriage or Baby Loss

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loss of a babyTrigger warning: The following post is one which discusses pre-term and neonatal loss and the process that many women and families go through when they have lost a baby.  If you are feeling vulnerable at this time and this post does not speak to your experience, consider not reading it as it may cause you distress at a time when you are trying to regain strength. Losing a baby though miscarriage, elective termination, stillbirth, childbirth, after a NICU stay, SIDS, or any other time is, without a doubt, one of the most difficult experiences that a parent will ever endure.  There are no words to explain the depth of despair that a parent goes through when attempting to understand the shift that occurs when all hopes and expectations suddenly drop out from underneath anything stable. It is an experience that many will never need to make sense of and also one that many others will swim through unexpectedly.  It is tragic and drastic and totally and completely unfair and yet thousands upon thousands of families find themselves in this position each year. Here is what we know:

  • Approximately 15-20% of confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage
  • In the US, the rate of stillbirth is documented as 1 in 160-200 pregnancies
  • In the US, the rates of SIDS affects between 5,000-7,000 infants every year
  • In the US, approximately 11,300 infants die within 24 hours of their birth each year

I give these statistics not to scare you, but because it is important for those mothers who have lost their children to know that they are not alone; to know that there are many others out there who are needing to navigate this loss too. I have worked with countless women in my office as they try to manage the unfamiliar emotions that surround loss, and I have learned a great deal from these phenomenal moms.  I also have a dear friend and colleague who lost her daughter hours after birth and she, too, has honored me with her insight, pain, and eventual healing.  With the information gathered from both my clients and my dear friend (who is now a clinician in San Francisco specializing in perinatal loss), this post today is written for all of the moms out there who are trying to navigate the unfamiliar postpartum experience while also grieving the loss of a child that never made it home or past that first year mark.  For these moms, postpartum distress is complicated by the process of grief, and sometimes it is hard to make sense of what goes where in this unimaginable puzzle. So, if you are one of these women, here is what I want you to know:

  1. Some women who lose babies through miscarriage are able to move through this loss freely, while others feel deep despair at this loss.  There are no “shoulds” in this.  No right way to feel.  If you feel strong and grounded and ready to move forward after a miscarriage that is totally valid.  If you feel deep loss and grief then that, too, is appropriate.  No one gets to tell you how you feel except you.
  2. Any time a body goes from being pregnant to not being pregnant, there is a significant shift in hormones that can affect brain chemistry.  Postpartum depression, anxiety, and other mood disorders can affect a mom regardless of the point at which a baby is delivered.  You are likely in a position where you need to process through grief while also having a vulnerable brain chemistry.  This can make the experience of healing feel impossible for many.
  3. Grief is a normal process and includes a shifting of emotions such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.   Grief felt after the loss of a baby is not necessarily depression and while there may be some overlap, it should not be treated as such.  If you feel angry one day and dissociated from your loss the next, this is normal.
  4. If you are not aware of a shifting through the stages of grief and continue to feel debilitated by your suffering, there may be an element of clinical depression or anxiety that needs to be addressed.  “Healthy” grief moves, but sometimes it can develop into relentless depression that requires more specific treatment.  Many moms will experience depression that includes feelings of guilt, shame, self-doubt and sometimes suicidal ideation.  Regaining a sense of self, hope, and trust is important to one’s healing after a loss such as this.
  5. Identity shifting is a huge piece of the postpartum experience for every new parent, and yet moms who lose their babies are not able to show the world their mother-ness.  If you feel like a mom, and yet are not able to participate in the experiences that the mothers around you are included in, know that this is a shared experience and that, whether or not the world can see this, we value you as a mother too.
  6. Loss can often beget feelings of loss.  Many women who lose their babies become suddenly afraid of losing everything else, be it their sanity, other relationships important to them, their faith in the world, or any hope for the future.  Many, many women who go through this loss feel a deep need to grab onto other things in their life for fear of losing those, too.  If this is happening to you, let those close to you know.
  7. Relationships with spouse/partner, family, and friends will be impacted by your loss.  It is important to be aware of the tendency to isolate during this time.  Receiving appropriate support will be imperative in your healing and there may be work to do in relearning your relationships given this new reality.  If you are unable to get the support that you need from loved ones, reach out to a therapist who can help.
  8. While you desperately want your spouse/partner to understand what you are going through, he/she may not.  People grieve differently.  Often, losing a baby is a very different experience for a birth mother than it is for her partner, as she was the one who felt the development of this baby and feels, still, the physical loss as her body adjusts to no longer being pregnant.  Give space for your own process as well as your partner’s.
  9. You are likely to learn who your truest friends are during this time.  Some people’s insecurities and fears around loss and tragedy may interfere with their ability to be there for you.  It is entirely appropriate for you to spend time with those who are able to give you what you need, and to take distance from those who do not.
  10. It is normal to feel triggered into sadness and despair when you least expect it.  You may find reminders in the places where you least intend them to be.  Seeing other pregnant women, babies, holidays and anniversaries, playgrounds, doctor’s offices, advertisements for baby-related items, may bring you to tears even when you feel strong.  This is normal.
  11. People don’t always know what to say.  Many of you will want desperately to talk about your babies, to bring them to life through your words and memories, to make room for them in conversation and in your experiences.  Some people will worry that bringing your baby and your loss in conversation will be upsetting to you.  It is helpful to let the people in your life know what you need.
  12. Just because you are ready to feel whole again, are healing, and may decide to have more children, this does not mean that the baby who you lost is forgotten.  Regaining strength does not mean that you have “moved on” and will no longer think of what might have been.  Your pregnancy and your baby will always be a part of you.  However, you deserve to be well and the feeling that you must keep grieving in order to stay faithful to your baby will not serve you.  Finding a way to honor your pregnancy or your baby through ritual or event is often a lovely way of incorporating that being into your life as you move forward.
  13. And finally, find others who have experienced something similar.  As mentioned so many times on this blog, community is imperative and I am certain that there are others out there who can offer you the kind of solace, strength, and integrity that you will need as you continue to heal.

~ Kate Kripke, LCSW You might also like: The Blurred Lines Between Depression and Grief After a Loss written by Jessica Watson, a mom who has been through perinatal loss

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  1. Thank you for this today. I have suffered two miscarriages and I never grieved them properly. I blew them off because I didn’t want the pity (in fact, no one but my husband knew about the 2nd one until we got pregnant with my son). It’s hard to talk about and have people understand.

  2. wish I’d had some of this info back in the 90’s. Had 4 losses, two in first trimester, two IUFD’s @19 wks. Clinical depression for 18 mo. and had 3 littles to care for. Learned some of these the hard way; now stay on the look-out for others going through a loss.

  3. Thank you Katie for this post. And Kathrine, thank you for your efforts to continually help baby loss moms. You do such a good job of recognizing the similarities and stark differences between PPD and baby loss, honoring those differences and helping. I’m continually impressed and proud to know you.

  4. This is such helpful and reassuring advice. I’ve just come home from hospital after an awful 10 days that ended in 2x unsuccessful medically managed treatments & emergency surgery at 11.5 weeks. I’m a mess right now & awful images that I’ve seen fill my head when I try to sleep. I’ve been worrying about the fragility of life & losing the rest of my family, so point 6 makes me feel like I’m not going crazy. Thanks so much for posting this.

    • My husband never gave me the time to grieve after my miscarriage. He showed very little concern or compassion. It has pretty much ruined our relationship. I lost my baby over 9 years ago and his tratment of me during that time will never be forgotten. You’re right. It’s so, so hard. I wish you well and will say a prayer for you.

    • I also upset that I was very sad after having the misscarriage. It seemed as if the baby’s father didn’t care. He said he was sad but I think he just said it because I am so sad. He never shed a tear, but I cried till I had no tears left. I too feel alone and angry.

  5. Thank you for using gender neutral language in this post and allowing it to speak to all couples experiencing this loss. There are so many posts on miscarriage out there that have made me feel isolated the moment they mentioned how my ‘husband’ could be feeling.

    • Thank you for saying that Brandi. We really try to make sure we talk about spouses and partners. Husbands and partners. Whatever. If you see us doing differently, let us know ASAP so we can fix it!! It’s important to us that all moms feel welcome and supported here.

      • Thanks a lo for this. Had a miscarriage in 2005 at 20weeks, in 2013 february lost my beautiful angel lydia 16hrs after she was born at 32wks. We. Broke up with my partner recently coz our grieving was soo different we couldnt communicate. He shut himself in a cocoon and i was too emotional and crying a lo of times we would try to talk. He just went quiet.

        • My husband and I miscarried 2 yrs ago then a year later to the day preg again..she only lived 26 days its been a month since she past..we have 4 boys so we were so excited..my husband as well has shut down or gets angry out of nowhere and takes it out on me..I cry and blame myself everyday when I talk to him he just gets so mad at me…at first we were on the right spiritual path knowing God needed both our girls but now its going deeper down hill everyday..I dont know what to do…

        • I hav just left hospital gave birth to our 23 week old baby lastnite 11dec died early labour and at start year jan 3rd 2014 we lost our beatiful perfect baby girl at 36 weeks pregnant still birth.i didnt lok at my baby lastnite an dnt knw wether to or not before gets cremated.i dont know how im going get thru this all i want is to hav a live healthy baby.so sad words cant describe the pain.

    • I think I am still trying to come to terms with my miscarriage two years ago at 16 weeks. I had 1 year old at the time who is now 3 and I was extremely lucky to fall pregnant again and now have a gorgeous little 1 year old. Even though I know we are extremely lucky I won’t let myself forget what happened and think about what could have been quite a lot and I do feel like I’m punishing myself yet at the same time trying my best not to remember what happened I didn’t let myself grieve and I’m worried this could be a cause of my up and down mood swings x

  6. Thank you for this, it was exactly what I needed today, particularly #12. I had a miscarriage recently and have felt such deep sadness and despair. The last several days I have begun to feel more positive and upbeat but anytime I start feel as though the sadness is easing and I think about trying to get pregnant again, I also feel guilty for “moving forward” as if I am forgetting our baby. #12 spoke directly to me and the article as a whole was so helpful. I hope more people who are coping come across this post.

  7. Wow. Great article. It helps to know that the things that I have gone through (and am going through now) are normal. I’ve recently suffered 2 m/c (Sept 2013 & Jan 2014), the last one ending in a very intense ER stay. While I am healing and feeling more peace every day, I am SERIOUSLY struggling with #6 & #10. I am having panic attacks and have felt very terrified of any harm coming to my husband, daughter, myself and other loved ones. I often cannot sleep at night, laying awake in a terrible panicked fear of death and loss. Much of the time I am ok….but other times, I just feel this terrible sadness. I’ve always been very in charge of my emotions, faith and outlook on life. Yes, I still feel that life is amazing. I still embrace every day with an open mind and heart, happy for the blessings I have been given, but I just can’t seem to shake this sadness that creeps into my heart.

    • Perfect timing of coming across this article. I too suffered a loss in Sept 2013 and January 2014. These past few weeks I have been anxious – I think I never allowed myself to grieve. I reached out to a therapist and so far so good. Thanks for writing this!

  8. Thank you. I struggle with # 10, more so because i found out I was pregnant the same day a coworker did. I had my miscarriage in February and now seeing her pregnancy progress normally while mine ended is quite painful. Im happy for her as well as my niece who is now pregnant but it feels me with such sadness.

    • Hi Elizabeth,

      So very sorry to hear of your loss. Went through the same thing at work. New job, no booze, another colleague slipped that her daughter-in law was pregnant at the same time. Having to cancel celebrations is tough. It is like losing someone when you are young, that until you have been in that awful club, you just don’t get it.

      I had my rather traumatic event (Christmas Day will always remind me of it), and last week my poor colleague, as a near-granny, went through it.

      Take care of you,

      Yuki

    • Dee. I too am so very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how much strength it took for you to keep going to work and being reminded of your precious loss. I am so sorry that you have to go through that. I myself have experienced three precious losses. My first was due 9/27/11. My second was due 10/11/12. And my third was due 5/4/13. It has been a whirlwind to say the least. It wasn’t really until I lost my third one that I really realized I did not give myself time to grieve my first two children. So once realizing this (with the help of a counselor), I have been allowing myself to go through the grieving process. But among so many different situations, the most hurtful feeling I have is feeling a sense of resentment toward my niece who has had her baby. I was was loosing my second child while I had to plan and put her baby shower together. I was just dealing with my second D&C when I found out she had her child five days later. And when she came home (she lives out of town) for the first time with her baby, I was the one that had to pick them up from the airport and be with them for the weekend until it was time for them to go back. Now…………….she is expecting her second child the same month my second child is due. Its been hard and heavy grieving for my children. But what makes it even harder is having someone so close to you having success birthing their children while your children had never been seen, touched, smelled or even heard (with the exception of the sonogram). It hurts to loose your children, but the person who I am having challenges with as I see her grow her family is someone who I helped raised throughout her life as if she were my own. As I think about it over and over, I have come to the conclusion to help myself, is to be reminded that I have no desire to be envious of my “own child”…the person I helped raise. But sometimes its hard.

      Since I lost my three children in the span of two years only being married for four years, its been so hard. trying to begin new life with my husband while watching our children die in the process. I had the idea of having to go on sometimes, meaning wanting to feel optimistic or positive. But I know I need to for Me. My husband has been a a great blessing from the Lord in helping and acknowledge my grieving process, but I feel that perhaps I not doing as good as I think I should. I guess what it all boils down to is…….I find myself having to reestablish my life with new goals, new dreams as well as new realities and to tell you the truth It’s Hard! Sometimes I just don’t want to because it feels more comfortable sitting in my own unhappiness. Sometimes I get so edgy and irritable whenever something does not go right for me..Some big as a getting a new job to my hair style not looking just right for the day. I feel that I am consumed with thinking that everyone else’s life is so much better than mine that I feel sucked up in a monster sized whirlwind. Right now I feel sad in my heart. I feel broken in my spirit. But by the grace of God, I can say that level of intense pain is not as painful as before and the frequency of my tears aren’t as frequent. But I still feel like I am no longer the person who I was,. I am know trying to accept our losses and stop tryin to feel like I was prior to 2011. Although I know each person has their own journey to go through, I have decided to not rush mine (so I can become truely healthy from the inside out) but on the other hand I have also decided to take time on purpose to think about my children whether through prayer, or what I wanted to make the nursery with to anything else I can think of. Its been a hard road, but I do tell myself sometime if my children were here…i know I would tell them “go through the process, but don’t give up on your dreams”.

      I still have a dream of having a family with my husband. And since we have decided to no longer try naturally, we are heavily thinking about adoption. Although right now we are not 100% sure we are going through the process to see if it for us. yes I am scared of this because my first instinct tells me that somewhere down the line, i’ll have another loss of a child. Whether it be not finding a right match for my husband and I or realizing that perhaps my heart may be too damaged to want to love another child again. But that decision will come in time..We are in prayer for our losses as well as our possible gain.

      Dee, I am praying for you

    • Hi starr, I has a mc 2 weeks ago. My first pregnancy and feeling exactly the same. My husband is working I/s as well which had made it worse. I pray that we both recover from this and go on to have a wonderful pregnancy and healthy baby xx

    • I am going through same thing hun, I’m sorry u r to. I dnt know who to talk to because was so early I just keep thinking that I am overreacting…anyone feel same pleass let me know…

      • You are definitely not overreacting. (I have wondered the same thing about myself too) I feel a little silly actually sometimes, and then a strong sense of loss. I am 40 years old with an 18 yr old and a 15 year old. I love them dearly. I thought I was beginning menopause only to find out that I was pregnant. This was Thurs. On Monday I had a dr appt to find out how far I really was and all looked great. No spotting, cramping or anything. Felt great. Tuesday’s ultrasound pulled the rug from me. The baby stopped developing at 5 weeks but my body wouldn’t let it go. We elected to do a MVE that day since there obviously was no hope. I felt kind of silly because I only knew for less than a week. It was a surprise-almost an “oh no..what are we going to do?” That only lasted less than an evening. Went into “mommy” mode quickly. I think my hardest thing now is re-accepting that my childbearing days are gone. I was really ok with menopause before. We had our future planned out. Now I am a total mess and it’s very difficult to accept. I just keep hoping that time heals quickly because I cry everyday and the stupidest things trigger it out of the blue. I am sorry for your loss and I wish you (all of you) the best of luck and a peace of mind and soul.

        • Hi Angela,
          The same thing happened to me I am 40 have three kids 19,18, & 15.
          I found out in April I was preg. After 15 years! I knew for two weeks and at the six week checkup there was no HB was told it was a missed misscarrige. Had a d&c three weeks later. I still felt preg. Guess what?! There was a twin that was missed by the sono inside also not viable. I miscarried it naturally a sono showed there was still leftover tissue. I ended up having another D&c again in August. So had two d&c & tons of greif. It felt like the horror wasn’t ending. I already made peice with not having more. Now I’m having a very rough time. I know exactly how you feel. If you want to email let me know! HUGS xx

  9. Thanks for writing this article, it really spoke to me. I suffered a miscarriage 10 days ago. This was my second one- first was April 2009. My emotions are all over the place: I sometimes feel disconnected from the event, other times I feel anger and sometimes intense sadness especially if I think about getting pregnant again. For the past few days I just feel lost. My partner and family are there for me but I feel alone with my feelings. As if no one truly understands me.

    • I had a miscarriage on the 31st of May 2014 at 6wks.I knew I was pregnant 6 days before that and I was super excited cos I and hubby tried to get preggy for 3 months now.since I miscarried,my family n husband has bin dear for me and they all say ‘u’ll hav another one’ in a bid to comfort me.some say ‘it wasn’t too far along’.It may sound funny but am seriously grieving.am I wrong to feel dis way since d baby was just six weeks old.I just feel a deep despair I can’t explain.

    • I am feeling the exact same way… I saw ur post and it is exactly what I have been going thru hun. I’m sorry because it is harder than I ever thought…

  10. Thankyou I had a missed miscarriage on Tuesday, I am noe concerned that I cannot go through this again and as a result concerned that my partner may see it as a deal breaker. He has been incredible and made me fall in love with him all over again. I can’t move forward with out him. Makes me feel better to know it is a normal part of grief.xx

  11. I’m just starting to read this and wow I got through the first 2 and was blown away. I had my miscarriage on 2/14/14 so it’s still very fresh to me. I have started counseling because I thought I could too just blow this off or replace it with something else like a vacation…that didn’t work the grief is still very much alive. Reading these posts from all of you too has just made me breathe again. I am so sorry for all of your losses as with mine. There is no pain (emotional or physical) that I have ever endured in my life. ((((HUGS)))) to all.

  12. Thank you for this. I had a terrible mc at 20 weeks, which followed by 5 wks of complications. 5 months after I unexpectantly fell pregnant but my joy was short lived as I mc at 11 wks, and hemoraged quite severely that I needed a d&c. I had another mc in 2010, but 4 months after fell pregnant and had a beautiful healthy boy. He and my husband are my rock. I have been so strong throughout all of this, however since my last mc 2 wks ago today it really affected me at my friend’s sons 1st bday party. I just broke down in tears. Has anyone thought of getting away for a while to get away from it all? I honestly believe it will help. I would love your opinion. Thank you.

    • Hi Jess, I can tell you from my own experience that I did do just that. I had my mc Feb 14, 2014 my husband and 3 daughters went to FL at the beginning of April. I went there with the impression it would “fix” everything and “fix” me. The vacation was wonderful and I could breathe that week but then we came home and everything was still there. My feelings came back, my emotional and physical self came back. You can’t run. The break was wonderful!! I however didn’t start to feel someone what better until I went and got help. I see a counselor now and maybe that’s not the road for everyone but for me it seems to be giving me light. For one it lead me to this website. My “homework” from my counselor was to look on the net for articles regarding “grieving a mc”…that’s what I did. This site has helped me immensely!! I find for myself looking for blogs much like this rather than medical articles has been more helpful. I am not healed but I am on the road to acceptance and forgiving myself. (((HUGS))) to you and I hope your journey will bring you light, hope and acceptance

    • Thank you story has given me the hope I’ve been searching after a Miscarriage June 2014 and having to let go of my dying baby now ..I’ve been asking myself am I suppose to be a mom ..seeing your post has given me hope that God will give me a healthy baby just not now ..

  13. Thanks for posting this. I had a miscarriage in March 2014 and while I’ve been feeling much better, today has been a really tough day. It’s good to hear about others people’s experiences.

    • As much as I think I am OK, I am still grieving the loss of 2 miscarriages. One in November 2013 and the second in April 2014. I find that I just can’t quite get back the joy I once had. Seeing other babies remind me of what I lost and I sometimes come to tears.
      I have 2 healthy beautiful children and feel guilty that they are not enough. I know I haven’t had the time to grieve and will be starting therapy soon. I feel a lot of anxiety and emotions just flood me sometimes.
      I found this post searching for ways to cope with grief. Thanks for writing it.

      • I am so glad I came across this site. I suffered a m/c last week June 11th at 8 weeks…my first pregnancy. I am 33 and I had no symptoms and went to my first appt to be told there was no heartbeat and I would miscarry. I started bleeding as soon as I got home from appt. my husband hAs been my rock. We are not giving up but this will not make getting pregnant again any easier. Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories it has helped me so much.

      • Your post speaks to me…just had my second mc in July and already have 3 children. Really having a hard time with all of the emotions I have…

  14. Had a miscarriage 2 days ago. My life will never be the same again. No words can begin to describe what I’m feeling. Don’t know how I’ll ever move on from this.

  15. You all seem so strong. I wish i had your strength. All I’ve ever wanted was a family but I wasn’t ready with a partner/fiance until 2 years ago. We thought we needed to hurry & try because of our ages. I had 2 natural pregnancies both resulting in miscarriage and 1 failed IVF and 1 successful IVF resulting in miscarriage. Worse the Dr says there’s nothing wrong with me. That it just must be my age… total despair.. I feel depressed and hopeless for a family. I can’t look at babies without feeling that sadness and having to push back the tears. By the time I save to adopt that is if I can even convince my partner/fiance to adopt. Just hopeless. All I know is one day I will meet my babies in heaven. But that doesn’t help me now. Angry!. So many families, people who don’t want babies unexpectedly pregnant. Why can’t those of us who would be kind loving parents, who desperately want children have our own families? Still so sad I miss my babies. I miss feeling pregnant. I wanted to hold them and love them. I don’t expect to hear back from anyone. I just need a safe forum.

  16. Feel like this has really helped I had a miss carraige recently all though I didn’t no I was pregnant I am really suffering the fact that I have lost something so special that I could still have, I feel like my boyfriend blames me and isn’t there for me as much as I would like maybe he doesn’t want to think about it as he has lost most of his family?im only 22 and an petrified this could happen to me again

  17. I lost my baby a month ago to biliary atresia and still trying to cope he was 5months old its so hard I always feel I did something wrong .

  18. I had a miscarriage at 19 weeks two years ago, it was awful. I recently had a second miscarriage at 9 weeks. I feel completely hopeless that I will ever be happy again. I am worried that I am not giving my two daughters the happy life that they deserve. I’m not coping and am debating whether or not to try antidepressants. I just really want to feel happy again and to somehow switch off the hurt and the need for another baby.

  19. I am 26 years old and in a span of 5 months i have had 2 miscarriages. The first one was a big disappointment, but the second one i cant explain. I feel deep anger and resentment that i feel no one can understand. I was diagnosed with PCOs and most of the time i ask myself ‘why me?’ I feel my partner is fed up coz of my situation and i have been thinking of ending things with him because i know how much he wants a child and i feel my chances of ever being a mom is minimal. I break down when my emotions build up and I feel like im going to end up alone in this world. How do i deal with this? How do I deal with myself? Where do people go from here. Someone help me. Im in Africa and finding a therapist is close to impossible, I need help

  20. Thank you for this. I miscarried April 2014. First pregnancy at age 40 of a desperately wanted baby. I feel I should be able to move on but I’m so tired and sad all the time. I feel in my heart that things are never going to get better and I will never have a child. I have very supportive husband and family and friends but I am just not coping
    Good to know I’m not alone

  21. Lost my baby 7-7-14 at 16 weeks. I can’t control my emotions. This is the hardest thing I have ever had up endure. I feel no one understands me.

    • I’m so sorry to hear that Sierra. I hope you are able to find some local support. There are so many women around you who have had the same experience and do understand. They’ll want to help.

    • I am scrolling through these comments and this just explains what I feeling. Found out last week I miscarried. Been married over 8 yrs. Been with my husband 14 years. He is being there for me but I push him away. I don’t feel he or any1 else understands how I feel or what I am going through. My birthday just passed. Holidays are coming up. I don’t want to be around any1. Its just so hard. I work and am in school and don’t feel like going at all. I find myself leaving the house with nowhere to go and nowhere in mind. My husband wants to keep trying and I am absolutely terrified of going through this again. I also miscarried twice when I was younger. I can’t deal with going through this again. Everyone around me has children. Tired of making excuses why we don’t have any of our own. I see a lot of us feel the same but why do I feel like I am the only one?

      • Marie, I am very sorry to hear about your miscarriage. You are not alone. It may feel like it, but many women and couples go through this too. Give yourself time to grieve and process what has just happened to you. It may be tempting to want to shut down, but when you feel ready, let your husband in. He may be hurting too.

  22. Thanks so much for this article. I’m hanging on by a thread after my first pregnacy/first mc. Like if very bleak for me right now and I’m struggling to see any light at the end of the tunnel. Thus is the best article I have read on dealing with mc.

  23. Well I experienced a miscarriage at 7 weeks. The depressing part is that I was unaware that I was pregnant. I ave no one to really discuss it with. I do receive comments that I’m not a mother because I don’t have kids but to me I feel as if I’m a mother. I cry to myself && hold a lot of feelings in because I have no one to discuss my issues with.

    • Of COURSE you feel like you are a mother. No one gets to take that away from you just because you lost your precious baby. It’s okay for you to grieve that loss. Please know that, Lashay.

  24. After trying for 7 years, I finally found out I was pregnant the same month my husband decided he wanted a divorce. I have now had a miscarriage. I blame myself because I didn’t protect my unborn child from the stress and anxiety that I was feeling during that time. Thank you for what you said. I am feeling so alone. I am glad to know that what I am feeling is normal.

  25. Thanks for writing this post. I delivered our baby on 12 May 2014 at 18 weeks. The first month after was really difficult. Second month I have tried picking myself up and found I’d have good and bad days. Now entering third month I am generally ok but struggle SO much with seeing big families (lots of kids). I come from a big family (6 kids and I am the eldest) and now my husband and I have a 4 1/2 year old. I was wanting, dreaming for my daughter to have a sibling as I come from a big family and know how fun and supportive a big family can. We are an immigrant family with no immediate family close by, no cousins to play with. So I dreamt, hoped and imagined us being a family of 4 – with a playmate for my little girl. I was so excited for my little girl to have a playmate – she gets sad when she plays in the playground on her own. Now my dream has shattered and I don’t know how to address my sadness knowing what triggers my grief. Of course, my other triggers are seeing newborns and heavily pregnant women.

    • I can only imagine how painful this is for you Marie. I hope you are able to talk to your doctor about what you are going through so that he or she can suggest some local resources for grief support. It’s worth reaching out. Having others to talk to who have been through what you are going through can make a difference.

    • Marie
      Your story…I can completely relate to. I don’t know how you are doing since July, 2014. In my situation, I delivered our baby in 2013 at 16 weeks. I also come from a big family of 6, however I am the youngest. I have a 4 year old who I have wanted nothing more than for her to have a sibling in life… a hand to hold, a heart to share through life. She has no small cousins to play with as they are all much older. Although I make an effort to play with her a lot myself throughout the day, and do playdates, and take her to classes and activities…nothing can replace having a sibling to share everyday things with. She loves and is sooo good with babies and other smaller children….it really tugs at my heart when I see what she could have experienced in her life …. that love on a daily basis… but isn’t. My husband refuses to try to have another child. I won’t even go there…as to how seriously him not wanting a sibling for our daughter has affected the way I see my husband as a person. I have always been about family. I feel such a great loss of what could have been for my little girl…she lost her only chance of having a sibling. I cry from time to time over my heartbreak of losing the baby I already loved, and for the loss of my daughter’s sibling, and that she will never have a sibling. My niece had a baby and I can’t wait to hold her baby and spoil her for the first time. My triggers are seeing my daughter have such a great big happy loving giving heart everyday and seeing our big empty house and no one else in it for her to share with. My dreams are also shattered as I envisioned a completely different life for my daughter. I feel sad, lost and confused sometimes, and pray for God to direct my next step….I’m still waiting. I hope you have better news since you last wrote in July…maybe you don’t. Either way, take care through this all Marie.

  26. It’s funny how I have grieved differently with each m/c. I have just had my 4th one in less than a year and this time I feel bitter, angry and alone. My husband tries to be supportive but I don’t feel much comfort. I feel like an awful wife and mom (I have a 2 Year old.) I am a mess. I feel like talking about it because I hate keeping it such a secret, but I don’t know who to talk to. No one knows what to say. Thanks for posting this. It helped me see that all my emotions are normal.

  27. Thank you for this. I found out my beautiful baby had no heart beat on 6-21-14. I still sit here and think about that day and those terrifying words “no heartbeat”. I was 10 weeks and my family tells me ” it could of been worse, you could of been further along”. It’s nice to read how other people are getting through this.

  28. Pingback: Grief Changes Daily | Lady Holland

  29. Hi, thank you so much for this article. I have had a medical miscarriage due to chromosomal abnormality in May at 17 weeks. Since then I have not been able to come to terms with it even slightest. This was my first pregnancy at the age of 28 and I find it so unfair, I blame myself for what happened, and feel alienated towards my body, as I feel it let me down. Almost the whole pregnancy was very traumatic and emotionally wrecking- since week 9 when we had our first scan and were alerted of developmental problems. Since then we received one bad news after another ending by confirmation of chromosomal abnormality. I tried really hard to grieve and accept what happened, but only find myself having hostile feelings towards others who have healthy kids, even my close friends. My partner has not been very supportive and blamed me for being too emotional and sobbing all the time. I feel like this is the end of our relationship…

  30. Pingback: The Emotional Aftermath of Pregnancy Loss

  31. I believe this article is very soothing and comforting for those who have lost a baby in a miscarriage, or in any other way. Thanks for sharing the grieving process of your lost and those of many others that have gone through the same pain, and the hope of victory after the grieving.

  32. Thank you so much for this post. I miscarried at nine weeks and am having a difficult time coping with the loss. This was my first pregnancy, and although it wasn’t planned, I loved that baby the moment I knew it was inside of me. I know that ultimately it was not my fault, but the guilt and the internal hatred I have are at times unbearable. I needed this today, and will probably bookmark it for future reference when I need it again. It is a beautiful tragedy to see so many other moms out there in my same place. My boyfriend has never been one to express his feelings well, and although I see he is grieving, I still feel like he doesn’t understand. The baby was inside of me, and now I feel empty. My next step will be to find a therapist, because I’m not sure how to handle it all on my own.

  33. Pingback: posting so I can read this on a better day | summersolstice1115

  34. I recently had lost my baby I was 20 weeks we have older children as well a 13 and 8 year old, so I had to carry on for them make sure they are taken care of, but my sadness and hurt is around everyday and now I don’t even want my husband to touch me I never want to be pregnant again,cause I can’t go thru this again, please is this normal?

    • Joy, I imagine that each person who goes through this has her own set of feelings about it. I don’t think there is a “normal” — there is no one right way to grieve. Just know that you are not alone and that if you need help or support you can get it. There are loss support groups and organizations, and you can also talk to your doctor as well if you need to. There is a list of resources at the bottom of this post: http://www.postpartumprogress.com/what-is-the-difference-between-grief-depression-after-pregnancy-loss

      • Hello Ladies! I posted on this board several months ago. I am so sorry for your losses. You are certainly not alone in your grief. Please know that healing and peace are ahead….you’ll never forget…but you will feel better one day.

        I suffered my first m/c in September of last year…and then my second in January of this year. It took me quite a while to heal after the second m/c. It was a traumatic experience both emotionally and physically (I ended up in the ER for severe blood loss). I spent months trying to “fix myself” in whatever I ways I could. I talked to friends, made myself SUPER healthy, stayed active, organized my life….but nothing could make the pain and hole in my heart go away. I would often break down into hysterical tears or be in a foul mood, even when my day was going perfectly.

        One day, a spiritual revelation came to me…the only healing for me would be to give my pain to God and trust in His plan for my life. I’m not trying to preach. Only to let you know how I healed. I feel so much better now, and finally have some peace in my heart.

        Grief is a terrible thing. It opens up holes in your life that you never knew existed. For me, it brought on panic attacks and anxiety.

        Finally after having some spiritual healing, I was able to revisit the idea of adding on to our little family. I so very much want my daughter to have a sibling. I’m 6 weeks pregnant now, and in so many ways I am terrified. There are so many unknowns, but I’m trying to trust and take one day at a time.

  35. I had a miscarriage in March this year I was 6 weeks pregnant, I had wanted this baby for so long. (this would have been my 2nd child as I have a 9 year old little girl). I then got pregnant again straight away, thankfully, I am now 23 weeks pregnant and all is well. At the time I miscarried some people said I shouldn’t need to grieve as there wasn’t anything there in the first place (meaning the baby was so small it wasn’t yet formed). What they didn’t seem to understand was that I didn’t see it that way, this was my baby and my body. Unfortunately I took in what they said and just got on with life, the 2nd pregnancy seemed to mask all this and I was happy again. I now have days when I feel guilty that I didn’t grieve for my last baby and feel sad but will people understand me, do my family feel the same, I don’t know because I don’t talk to anyone about it. I don’t want people telling me what I was told before. Like I said this was my baby and I will never forget how I felt when I was pregnant before miscarrying. Everyone is different and deal with things in life in their own way. I think when I have had my baby I am carrying at the moment and if I feel the pain still I will speak to a professional. I do hope this helps some of you ladies out there xx

  36. well I had a miscarriage I didn’t know til I had the miscarriage I felt sad alone lost hurt balled up in one now I just want to cry every year around September thinking about my twins that would have been 5 is it bad I still hurt til this day

  37. thank you for this today was the hardest day for m. I thought being told I was miscarring wa the hardest but the doctors forgot to let me and my husband know that I would be deliving my 10 week old baby and when I went to the bathroom early my baby popped out into the tolet and the pain and heart ache I had to deal with as I got my baby out of the tolet and put into a ziplock bag. I called the hospital to let them know I had my baby in a zip lock bag and now what do I do. and they told me to flush it and the pain that they didn’t even care, and now I have my baby in a ziplock bag waiting for a few people to call me back on the a way to give my baby the right way to kay him/her to rest. I had to many emontation I didn’t know how to feel so now I have become numb and questioning what did I do wrong and what do I do now. reading this blog had helped a lot even more with the soupse part because I was getting mad that he wasn’t showing anything when he was the one who put our baby in a box till we figure out what to do next. you have no idea how much I needed to read this thank you.

  38. I too suffered a twin miscarriage just 2 weeks ago.. I don’t sleep, I can’t stop thinking about them. Nothing anyone says makes it easier. My partner put me onto this article because I thought he didn’t care due to no emotion on his end, I was wrong! He does, he just doesn’t know how to help me anymore than I know how to help myself right now.. I’m lost, I just want my babies back

  39. Thank you for this article. I recently had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. I was originally terrified but had just started to get really excited when I lost the baby. I’ve spent the last week more in a confusion than in sadness. I cried the whole first night, and quite a bit the second. I haven’t cried in the week+since. I’ve had friends who have had miscarriages and they were devastated. My best friend has been clinically depressed for 6 months. While I don’t want to be clinically depressed, and it’s horrible that she feels that way, I don’t understand why I’m not as sad as she is. I keep thinking something is wrong with me. I’m able to go through my day almost like nothing happened. I feel a twinge of sadness when someone asks me about having kids, or if I hear someone talk about their pregnancy, and I get sad when I see things on the internet but otherwise I feel pretty normal. I feel like a freak, like maybe this is the universe telling me I’m not meant to be a mother or something. I mostly just want to try again. This article made me feel not as guilty, so thank you.

  40. I had a miscarriage 4 weeks ago, and 3 days ago got my period. I am still devastated. I am 44 so was lucky to get pregnant at all and am terrified that I won’t get pregnant again and this just adds to my sadness and depression. I don’t wanna get out of bed in the morning, pretty much wish I was dead most days.

  41. I had a miscarriage on may 30 2014 it was my first pregnancy…luckily my husband and family have been more than amazing helping me through it but i can’t help but feel like I’m alone sometimes fighting an internal battle because i didn’t know very long at all ( i m/c at 6 weeks 2 days) and sometimes feel silly and push it out of mind but it is nice to know that I’m not being silly and that this is part of the grieving process- I thank you from the bottom of my heart & will forever be grateful for your article. To know that you are not alone when you feel alone is very comforting

    • I had mc at 6 weeks (in May 2014) and I know what you’re saying about feeling silly sometimes and sad other times. I start to think I’m okay and then realize I’m still not. Just found out my sister is pregnant and while I’m very excited for her I ended up crying a lot today because I’m still so sad:( I feel alone sometimes in my grief but it’s comforting to know I’m not. Hang in there!

  42. I’ve been reading ways to cope w miscarriage, as I’m currently waiting for my pregnancy to naturally begin to end. It’s my second, my son is 2. It’s so completely devastating. I try to be strong. But have breakdowns every little bit, I just can’t accept that I’m losing this little baby that I got so attached to in such a short amount of time. My poor husband is taking it just as hard, just when I feel like I’ve got myself together, I hear him crying. We just never expected this.

      • Mine happened a few day after yours. On the 16th there was a heartbeat and on the 21st there was no heartbeat anymore :(
        You can find my story down on the page. Very sorry for what happened.

      • Hi I’m a grandmother of a stillborn baby boy on the 13September2014 so I know haw you feel and I’m so sorry it was our first grandson and my dauters and husbands firt born baby came at 32 weeks and we found out our baby was dawn syndrom as well and its still so eina ouma Debbie

  43. My mother just had a miscarriage today and I really wanted a new sibling. I am still crying over the loss of the baby. My mom is going to the doctors next week to see if the baby is still alive, however it is very unlikely. :(. I don’t know what to do…all I can do is cry

  44. We went to our 12 w sonogram appointment a couple of days ago and found out that the baby hadn’t made it. He only looked for about less than a minute and turned the machine off.There were only a few remaining cells left- a blighted ovum. I have a choice now to wait it out or do a d & c. I know it is a long shot, but I keep praying for some sort of a miracle. I also realize that my baby is now long gone to heaven and I must somehow move on. I am in tears constantly…I am trying hard to keep it together for my work, my other children and my husband who is back to work and although sad, said this baby would have always remained a “concept” until we had the ultrasound photos. He is not grieving to the extent I am grieving and although supportive, I know he is frustrated with how much I am sobbing and even how much I may be hanging onto a dream that somehow it will work out. I feel like my heart has been torn out and I feel so empty inside. We told very few people I was pregnant so now I have no one to tell or confide in. Work had no idea and I must continue on like I was never pregnant- except I still have a uterus the size of 13+ weeks- I’m huge and my uterus keeps growing and I still have all the pregnancy hormones. I have all my maternity clothes washed and hanging all ready in the closet- I was about to begin wearing them as all my clothes I feel completely duped and tricked. I have no real symptoms of miscarriage but just a diagnosis. I am starting to come to terms with needing a d & c but the thought of that too brings me to tears but I am also scared to deliver naturally as I know it will be full labor pains. And, to make matters worse, I’m 42. The chance of it happening again (old eggs) is probably quite high. This might have been my last chance at a pregnancy. The few people I have told have tried to be well meaning but lines like “everything happens for a reason” or “maybe something was wrong with the baby” (which yes, that is probably correct!) are NOT helpful. Please don’t tell me at least I have other kids or that it is my age or that it’s common. I am bracing myself for all types of reactions if I tell anyone! I really truly believe that only the women who have gone through this and suffered such a great loss can empathize. No one else can possibly know how empty I feel, how my soul feels ripped out and how my heart actually feels physical pain- my whole body feels the loss- and that my emotions with all the hormones still are a complete wreck. I feel so alone not having the baby with me and yes, the baby I know is in heaven, complete, loved and without pain. But it is so hard for the one who is left behind to grieve and I have no idea how this gets easier- I don’t think anyone moves on, I think they just learn new ways to cope and process their grief. The baby’s birth date is still circled on the calendar….and I can’t begin to think how it’s going to be when that day comes.

    • Dear Mel,
      I sympathise with so many of the stories on here, but yours really struck a chord with me, so I wanted to reply to you personally.
      I had a mussed miscarriage in September this year, at 12 weeks. I already knew something was wrong at 9 weeks, when I had a tiny bit of spotting and the scan showed the baby was way too small for its age. I recall the (awful) doctor who ignored me the whole time she scanned me, whispering under her breath with her colleague. It was only 5 minutes, but it was the longest 5 minutes of my life and I felt completely removed from my body, as if I were on the ceiling looking down in myself. Eventually, when she’d repeated “I can see the yolk sac” about 10 times (at which point I wanted to hit her), she told me she couldn’t see any heartbeat. Those dreaded words….I changed Early Preg Unit after that, to a really amazing unit near my house, where my husband and I were treated with real care and respect. There, at 10 weeks, we were told to wait and see what my body would do next. I felt like my body had so let me down though – I’ve had 4 other early m/c in 2014 and in all of them, my body managed to detect a problem and I m/c very early – a slightly late period in terms of timing and effect. But this time, it got it all so wrong.
      I couldn’t grasp how my baby had stopped growing, had a faint heartbeat that had also stopped at some point, but my body was acting as if all was well and good. I also had a huge belly, I looked pregnant and felt pregnant, I had all the symptoms. I hardly bled at all. Like you, I, we had started to dare to hope it would be a good one. We had particularly started to imagine what it would be like to tell our 6 year old daughter the great news. We hadn’t told anyone, as after so many early m/c I didn’t want to jinx it.
      Finally, my lovely new sonographer confirmed at 12 weeks that nothing would change. No miracle would happen. There could be no mistake with my dates. Our tiny baby hung in there, completely lifeless, like a miniscule astronaut, attached to his or her gestational sac, which by now looked like a shrivelled up balloon. My husband and I clung to each tiger and felt the sort if pain and sadness that is hard to describe.
      I couldn’t wait for nature to take its course: I had to carry on my life, look after my daughter…it was the summer holidays here in London, UK, and I was looking after her. I was petrified to go too far from homé, in case I suddenly started bleeding in front of her. I was in a weird sort if limbo.
      After some thought, I decided to have a D&C the day after, at 12 weeks. It was emotional, but somehow it helped to get a little bit closer to achieving some sort of closure. Physically, it all went very well. I had a fantastic team looking after me and recovered very quickly. Emotionally, once the pregnancy hormones crashed, so did I. It was and still is, very hard.
      A month down the line and it is getting easier to bear. I don’t cry every day now and I’m starting to think to the future.
      Today our tiny Pip, as we’d come to call our baby, was cremated.
      Next week, on October 15th, baby loss awareness day, my husband and I are going to scatter Pip’s ashes at the children’s cemetary in Islington. I’m dreading it, but also looking forward to feeling more peaceful afterwards, I hope….I really hope…..
      You are so right when you say that well-meaning family and friends don’t know how to help….comments such as “at least you have another child” or “your body knows best” are patronising, insensitive and infuriating.
      Plus, like you, I am now older (43) and my eggs aren’t getting any younger either.
      I hope no one judges older women like us for wanting to keep trying. Sometimes I think I’m too old and should give up, but it’s hard to accept that I’ll have to do that, at some point. I always think “maybe I’ll try one more time” or “I’ll stop trying next year”, but I know I can’t keep going like this either. Will you?
      I’m wondering, since your post is old now, whether you had a D&C in the end or not. How did it go in the end? I hope you are ok and doing better than you were.
      I’m not going to pretend it easy nor am I going to make glib remarks about feelings, but I do know this – we are stronger than we think.
      We have to be.
      Our bodies sometimes let us down, but they are also amazing.
      I try to gain comfort from my beautiful daughter every day and remind myself that I am so so so lucky to already be a mum. So many of my friends have never even had that chance.
      I will always be Pip’s mum too, no matter whether I ever give my daughter a sibling or not, no body will take at away. You will always be your unborn baby’s mum too. It has helped me to acknowledge that and Pip too, not to brush it away. I need to have a place where I can connect with Pip too and one day maybe take my daughter, to explain to her too…
      I wish you all the best xxx

  45. I am grateful l to have found your post, Kate. I have had 3 miscarriages in the last year, 8/2013, 2/2014 and 7/2014. I keep reflecting on the entire scenario and chain of events over the last year. I deal with problems finding self worth, frequently overcome with feelings of inadequacy. Despite knowing that I am not a failure, it does not stop the feelings from occurring.
    These experiences have caused me to reflect back on my life in so many ways. Prior to meeting my husband I never wanted children. All that changed and all I want is to be someone’s Mommy. I sometimes think how much simpler it would be if I just didn’t want to be a Mommy and be happy in a childless marriage.
    Another frustrating component is that I am a Nurse. I am a trauma nurse. I help people and families when they are at their weakest moments. And yet, I can’t even help myself through this grieving process. Sometimes I feel I know too much and just can’t let go enough to fully grieve.
    My husband is supportive and has cried with me and held me in these moments. He tries, but he still doesn’t understand why I “can’t get past it.” To hime because they were early term losses he has the mentality that, “We will just keep trying”. I know he feels helpless and doesn’t know what to say. I try and be sensitive to that. Then there are moments when he just asks me a simple question and I get so angry with him.
    The intense feelings of guilt, anger with myself and feelings of inadequacy can be overwhelming. I try and take it day by day and hope for the best. Starting to see a reproductive endocrinologist in october and keeping fingers crossed.

  46. I had an early pregnancy loss 2 weeks ago too, and it happened naturally, no D&C. It was so hard, I bled for 5 days before I passed my baby, then for a few days afterwards. My husband too is taking it hard. We were both so excited, and it has been so hard for both of us. I am at work and just want to cry and crawl into bed right now. My daughter is almost 2 years old, and it feels hard to try to plan her birthday and know her brother or sister won’t have theirs. It was my second pregnancy too. We weren’t prepared either. Even though my OB has encouraged me that I should still have another healthy pregnancy, I am scared we won’t be able to have another child.

  47. I’m struggling to come to terms with the fact that I’m no longer pregnant anymore. My heart is shattered in a million pieces and the dream I held so close has cruely been ripped from me.

    Two weeks ago, my husband and I booked a private scan – I was 9+4, so excited it being our first pregnancy we were so proud of my little bump. I had the full works morning sickness, back ache, head ache, tiredness, needing a wee all the time, but I didn’t care, I was so over joyed to be pregnant with our first baby it was such a blessing from God. We found out when I was 4 weeks.
    In the scan I lay on the table as the sonographer did an internal scan only to say bluntly, I’m sorry, but your baby has died. You have suffered a missed miscarriage. Both of us were confused and devistated: she then said – you lost your baby three weeks ago and will need medical help to get rid of it. Sat in shock, my husband in tears, we left knowing our baby had died.
    The following day we went to the EPU, they scanned and said its 50/50 dates could be wrong and the baby could grow, come back in a week. So we did. 1 week ago it was confirmed our baby had died and my body was still tricking me with pregnancy symptoms, they were concerned as it was now 5 weeks the baby had been dead for and said I will need to come in for medical management: either d n c or abortion pills. So desperately sad we agreed to take the pills. The following morning last Friday, I took the first pill. Then was back in on Sunday for what was the most horrific experience of my life. I was 11+4 at this point still having morning sickness. Well 38 pills, 1 supositry, 4 pesseries, 3 rounds of morphene, 8 sick bowels, 4 sickness iv’s and 6 hours of full on contractions and labour, I finally delivered our baby. I was emotionally wreck, heartbroken, in pain, unable to control my bodily functions, and left feeling helpless. They wheeled my baby in a crib in to see my husband and I and we said our goodbyes with a blessing. Then they gave us the little blanket they laid it in to keep. I was I hospital over night and came out this Monday. All week I have felt like everyone of these points you have written. Unable to come to terms with the heartache that my baby is no longer with me anymore. The tears catch me out constantly, and I just feel so sad I can no longer be a mummy. How do I deal with all of this? It hurts so much???

    • Dear Hollie,
      I posted back on October 9th, in reply to an older post from Mel, in case you wanted to read my bit.
      I read your post just now and didn’t want to read and run.
      The pain and shock of losing a baby, at any gestational age, whether one already has a child or not, is horrible.
      I am slowly coming to terms with my loss from September 5th (D&C), but it does take time.
      Try to surround yourself with people who love and care about you. Be kind to yourself. Avoid spending time with people who are insensitive for now (one of the points in the article, which helped me a lot). Above all, allow yourselves the time and space to grieve.
      Grieving is a process, not an event that’s done and dusted on any particular day. It takes time. I only know that now, because I’m going through it right now as well.
      I used to cry every day, now I cry a bit less and feel a bit mire hope.
      It really helped my husband and me to organise a little cremation for our baby (done through the hospital itself, here in the UK) and we’re going to a children’s cemetary this week to scatter the ashes. It helps to get a little closer to achieving closure, I suppose. I also want a place to go to when I want to remember our baby.
      It also helped me enormously to post my loss on my Facebook page (though only so my closest friends could read it) because their kindness and overwhelmingly touching response was amazing. So many friends also shared their losses with me. I had no idea how many there were…
      Here in the UK there is a very useful site for parents going through pregnancy loss and stillbirth.they also have a Facebook page. It’s called The Miscarriage Association and has loads of links to other pregnancy loss and baby loss boards, articles and forums.
      On Wednesday 15th October it’s Baby Loss Awareness day – I’m going to be lighting a candle at 7pm for my baby, plus the 5 others I lost beforehand (very early miscarriages).
      Maybe you could light a candle too and think of something you’d like to do, or write, or say, or even plant, to remember your baby by?
      Thinking of you and sending lots of hope, light and happiness.
      Jessica.

  48. I had a miscarriage on 15 Sept 2014 and I’m having a very hard time coping. I thought i was getting better but yesterday I found out that I’ve developed an infection which is making me very scared and has brought all of those initial feelings back. My husband has mentioned that the m/c is over and he is able to move on; however, I am not. This is making me feel very alone. My family lives in a different country and although I know they are there for me, it is still very hard.

  49. Thank you so much for this!(my first pregnancy) My babies heartbeat stopped at 9 weeks. Just two days after my fiance and I had seen that healthy heart beating away at the ultrasound. I did not know this until 12 weeks and 1 day when I saw bleeding at work and immediately called the doctor then had the ultrasound. I passed the baby two days later at the hospital. I was in so much pain. I physically watched my baby leave my body in the sac while going to the bathroom for the nurse to do a vaginal ultrasound. Ever since then I feel so much anxiety every time my fiance leaves me to go to work or even the store or the gym. I’m so scared that something teterrible will happen. I thought I was going crazy but I read #6 and I know I’m obviously not alone. Thank you a million times for this.

    • I feel the same anxiety. We recently lost our baby and this by far the hardest. I’ve clinged onto my husband more than ever. Blessings to you and yours

  50. Hi.
    I was diagnosed with missed abortion 3 weeks ago… Had to have a d&c the week after… :( I feel horrible. It was like they made me undergo an abortion without my will. I know the embryo was dead ( i was 8 weeks along when it happened) but it felt like killing it… That i let him/her down… :(
    The worst is, im alone with this, as the father of my baby did not want it, and im feeling i have lost him and then my baby… :(
    So all the comforting words from nurses and doctors “you can try in a few months again” feel like just a knife in my wound… I dont know how you can deal with this alone… Anyone being in the same situation?

  51. Thank you for this great information,I was preg with twin boys and I had a miscarriage on the20.09.14,I’m still grieving but I take each day as it comes,my 5 year old daughter keeps me so occupied and I’mso gratefulto have her,I think she kinda keeps me for being stuck in my dark hole nd feeling self pity for myself,my partner is also quite distant lately but I do understand we’re grieving differently,the important part is that we communicate and share our feelings,good or bad,and I must say the whole thing was traumatic and I really am not in a rush to have any babies or even try again,anytime soon,for now I want to focus on myself,getting better and being that happy,bubbly person who loves enjoyinglife and trying new things and being happy,andi know this will sound weird,but ppl somehow expect to see me crying and depressed,and I’m not,I do have my moments of cryingwhen I think abt what happened,but that mostly happens when I’m at home…i know thistoo shall pass,I love my two boys and they will always be close to my heart,I also know that they are now in heaven and they are our little Angels.

  52. I found out I was pregnant on August 17, after trying a year and a half. I had some issues and had ultrasounds like twice a week for 3 weeks. The second week we saw a heartbeat but was too slow and the doctor told me to expect to miscarry. The following week there was no heartbeat and I haven’t miscarried. The end of that week, the dr confirmed I had lost the baby. Over a week later I had a D&C done….the hardest thing is seeing the heartbeat then the next time it’s gone. It’s been a month since the D&C and I still picture the heartbeat….My sister-in-law is also pregnant but with her fourth child and I have so much resentment and jealousy towards her that I can’t be around her. It hurts to bad to see her happy and all the other pregnant women.
    How can I cope with this? I stay depressed but don’t always show it. It hurts to be happy for my sister in law, even though I want too. I just don’t understand a lot.

    • Sharon,
      Your story resonates deeply with me. (Sorry this post is very long) I am currently having my 6th miscarriage with no living children. My husband and I have been trying to start a family for three years now. Our first baby together I lost at 13 weeks on Mother’s Day. The due date was to be right around Thanksgiving. Our second baby we lost on Christmas. I had two more miscarriages and then I couldn’t get pregnant for two years. We had every test done, every treatment aside from IVF. Everything came back normal. Drs said it’s just ‘bad luck’. During that time my little brother and his wife had the ‘first’ grand baby. He complained that it “took so long” to get his wife pregnant. They tried for 3 whole months and got pregnant with a perfectly healthy baby the first time. This made me so resentful toward him. What was worse is that I found out about my new nephew on Facebook. My only brother didn’t even tell me about it himself. I was instantly detached when I should have been so happy.
      During my 3 years of ‘bad luck’ all of my best girlfriends have gone on to have children. I don’t even talk to them anymore. Either because they joined the mom club and found new friends or because they couldn’t understand why it hurt too much for me to attend their baby showers (which felt like funerals to me) and be around them while they were pregnant so they disappeared.
      After two years of not being able to get pregnant I finally made peace with the fact that I’d only be a mother to dead babies. I found a way to reframe my hopes and dreams to not include a child. I ‘made it through’.
      Then the unthinkable happened. My sis-in-law (and last girl friend) who suffers from PCOS and an array of eating disorders became pregnant after only trying for 6 months. Two days after finding this out I discovered I was finally pregnant again. With TWINS! It was like all of my hopes were magnified my dreams became reality! And I would have not one, but TWO babies weeks after my best friend! It was so serendipitous I began believing in everything again. I could finally be happy during someone else’s pregnancy and not feel loss. My joy came back. I went in every week for ultrasounds and saw two healthy heartbeats each time. I felt as if in a dream! Until my 10 week scan when I found out both babies died two days prior. My body failed me again. I failed my babies. I failed my future family. I feel like a serial killer. How can someone not get pregnant for 2 years and then get twins taken away?! On Halloween no less ( mine and husband’s favorite holiday). Every holiday is now an echo of a lost baby. What evil force would do that to a person who had already lost 4 other babies? Besides being devastated about my twins I don’t believe in anything now. I’ve lost trust in the universe. I’ve feel like I’ve lost my connection to the human race and all the people with children and families. I can’t even talk to my family right now. I feel like such a disappointment. Like a broken item that needs to be tossed in the garbage. People say it’s ridiculous to feel like this but it doesn’t make me feel any less damaged. It actually makes me feel worse. I don’t want to talk to anyone at all. My husband goes to hang out with his pregnant sister and I feel betrayed. I don’t even know why. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to speak to her again because it reminds me of the death of my twins. How can I be married to a person and refuse to see his family because of my own issues? I feel like I need to leave him too before I ruin his life. At the same time, I feel like he is the only one who even remotely understands what I’m going through and I’m terrified I’ll lose him also. I’m so detached right now from everything. I feel dead on the inside and I wake up each day angry that I’m still here.
      I have searched high and low for anyone who can relate and have come up empty until I found your post. Thank you for posting and helping me to feel less alone.

  53. I have posted my story here a week ago, but apparently it did not show.
    I also lost my baby at around 8 weeks.. (end of september) I saw a heartbeat at 7w3d and there was none on 8w1d… :( I felt devastated and shattered. Had a D&C 2 days after… Still dont know how to cope with it.. Always thinking how far along i would be by now… :( Plus there is a colleague at work who started to look pregnant not long before i lost mine… :( I feel like i dont want to see people.. Most of the time im not leaving home, i feel so bad when i have to go to work :( I dont know how to cope with this… The worst is im all alone, the father of my lost baby is not with me (he wasnt during when it happened either…) he didnt want the baby :( I dont know what to do… Clearly “trying in a few months” is not comforting to me as i have to deal with losing the baby’s father too… :( I feel sooo helpless and alone… How do you cope with that?

  54. I’ve just had a D&C today. I found out my baby didn’t grow and did not have a heartbeat this past Wednesday. It was confirmed again on Thursday. Previously, I had a miscarriage April 2013, again no heartbeat. I have a beautiful healthy boy, he’s three. It took me 10 years to have him. I feel numb. I’m trying to get on with it. I’m hiding myself in my work. I had to ask my husband if this was just happening to me, because he seemed so disconnected. I didn’t really cry until they rolled me into the surgery and then I couldn’t breathe. I have no idea how to feel right now. I’m 41, the odds are not in my favour. I do not know if I should try again, or be incredibly grateful for what I have right now. I prayed so hard for my son. I remember bargaining for him, saying I would never ask for anything again. And now I feel like I’ve broken my promise and why should I get another one after receiving my prayed for miracle. The whole time I was pregnant, I was scared. I didn’t believe it could be real and I feel as though my lack of faith was my downfall. I can’t sleep. I’m so afraid of losing everything else.

    • Vanessa,

      I’m so sorry for your loss! I very well understand the anxiety and fear of losing everything, as I endured it myself for many months. I had m/c in September 2015, and another in January 2015. My second m/c ended in the ER with severe blood loss and emergency D&C. I suffered severe anxiety/panic attacks in the aftermath. I was so terrified that I would lose my 3 year old daughter and husband. I mourned the loss of my little angel babies, and felt quite disconnected for months.

      My relief began to come as I talked intensely to close friends and others who experienced similar emotions. I allowed myself to open up to what I was truly feeling and became very aware of everything that affected me. I strongly considered seeking professional help, though in the end I didn’t. I believe that not only is m/c emotional, but there could also be many hormonal issues that contribute to the scattering range of fear and emotions. I finally was ready to give my fear and pain up to my Higher Power, and have been feeling much more at peace in recent months.

      I am currently pregnant again (14 weeks) and again, I am quite scared of the unthinkable. It’s a daily struggle, but there really is hope and peace out there.

      You are not alone in this, and you can overcome the deep pain and sorrow that you feel. It takes time, but you will feel better. Just don’t be afraid of your feelings. This is not your fault; it is not some punishment for lack of faith or for being undeserving. It has nothing to do with anything you could or couldn’t do. It just plainly sucks. And sometimes, that’s just how life goes. You are still an amazing woman who deserves happiness. I truly wish you the best. **hugs**

  55. I had three miscarriages with a partner who I’ve recently broken up with. On the first his mum messaged his friends on a social networking site telling them about my miscarriage and complaining to them he wasn’t as available for her.
    I grieved deeply whilst my partner went back to work after a day and I felt completely abandoned. I’ve been banned from talking about the babies since. It’s only now, three years on and a further two miscarriages later that I’m out of the relationship and have realised the postnatal depression bubble that I was in.
    It’s truly life changing to realise that actually, it’s not you and that you can suffer postnatal depression at any stage.

  56. Hi 2 months ago I had lost my baby at 10 weeks. I have 4 little ones. It was my 5th. I heard the heart beat at 6 weeks next thing I know it was over. I am struggling to get to move past it. 2 weeks after my miscarriage my husband went for a vasectomy with out telling me and it feels like a double blow. It is so hard but I’m struggling to forgive him. We agreed to wait but he went behind my back.

    • I got the news that I miscarried two days ago at 8 weeks. The loss is very hard to deal with since it was my first and we have been wanting to start a family for 4 1/2 years. We were finally able to conceive using IVF however the baby just stopped growing. Now I just don’t want to run into any pregnant women as I feel so jealous. I think “Why them and not me?”. I have basically watched all of my friends have kids and yet I am unable to have them. I guess I can try IVF again however it is so expensive, painful and emotionally draining. I just want to have children. Even one child would be a blessing. I feel all of your pain in reading your comments. To want something so bad is hard to deal with at times. I wish it was easy for us to get pregnant. I feel like it would help to cope however the process to conceive is very difficult and we haven’t been able to do it at all by ourselves.

    • I am so sorry to hear that, kathleen. Please know that you are not alone. And, his grief could have been overwhelming.

  57. I lost my baby around 16 weeks or so we are unsure. I went to the hospital for back pain and they did and ultrasound and the baby was dead. We were so shocked I was 16 weeks pregnant with my first child. We were so excited and prior to this around 6 weeks we thought we were lossing the baby due to a tubular pregnancy but it was just a cyist and we were so thankful and I reached my 2nd trimester and we thought we were in the clear but unfortunately we lost the baby. I had to have a d and c to remove the baby the day of the d and c was when I was supposed to be 18 weeks and next Tuesday is when I was supposed to find out the sex of our baby. I feel so empty and so lost. We found out we were having a little girl and she had triploidy which means she had 69 chromosomes not 46. I know this could have end up worse as in having to go full term and then lossing the baby but this just seems impossible to get over my cousin and over five of my friends are pregnant and I see them and I am so jealous. I am happy for them but at the same time I am thinking that could be me or that’s what I would look like right now. I will never beable to hold my first child or kiss her or tell her good night but next time I get pregnant I pray that it is healthy and I will adore that child and appreciate it even more. But as far as being a mom I don’t feel like one and I want to feel like one because I did have a baby girl but she just passed away . I just feel so confused

  58. Thanks for the article. Its helped me realize I am not alone, especially reading the comments and the heartbreaking stories of other mums. I lost my baby a month ago, she was 28 weeks old and I had known she had hydrops foetalis since she was 20 weeks old. I was told to expect the worst but I kept praying for a miracle. I developed severe pre eclampsia and although I tried to hold on, to give her a chance to live, I finally had to go to the hospital. One look at my blood pressure and an emergency C section was performed. I never even got to see or touch my baby, she only lived for half an hour. I was comatose in the ICU and she was buried by my husband. There are even no pictures.
    I am fortunate to have a 3 year old daughter but I feel sorry for her, not to have a sibling or playmate. I always wanted a sibling and I never wanted the same loneliness for my daughter. It was very hard for me to conceive in the first place. I’m 35 now and the doctors have told me to wait at least a year or two before trying again. I’m told it can happen again. I don’t know what to do. I’m so depressed and I feel I have no closure. I am terrified this will happen again.

  59. I just had a D and C done this morning. I lost my baby at 9w3d. I had four ultrasounds to confirm, and another one the day of the procedure just incase. I am at such a hard place right now because I literally feel as if I failed my baby, and having the procedure only makes it worse, as if they were taking it from me. This is my second pregnancy, I do have a healthy two year old. My husband doesn’t understand any of this. In his eyes it wasn’t a baby yet, it was too small. He gets frustrated when I ask him to be patient with me when I am crying all the time and I dont want to go be with people. He didnt feel what I felt, he didn’t go through it. We had no warning signs of miscarriage, we went to our first appointment and there was no heart beat on the monitor. It was so unexpected. Now I feel as if it is wrong of my to try and move on because I feel like I should go through this pain or I am not honoring my babys memory. I dont know of any support groups in my area, and I am just at such a loss.

    • I went through this twice when I was younger. Somehow I was able to get over it and put it behind. Last wk it happened again and I just can’t deal with it. I truly want a child and am feeling less and less positive that we will ever have 1. My husband and I have a great relationship but I almost feel like I am going to let this destroy us. I keep telling him he doesn’t understand. And he doesn’t. He is trying but he doesn’t and never fully will understand how I feel. Sometimes I think I need to let him go and find someone who will give him a child like we both want. It’s just so difficult.

  60. I miscarried April 27, 2014 at 7 weeks.. I didn’t want to be pregnant.. I waving a bad relationship, my health was deteriorating. I was 20 years old. No job… And I prayed for it to go away.. I put my hands over my ears when I heard the heartbeat. I miscarried that night.. And when I went to the doctor appointment the next day, I was disgusted with myself. I would have been nearly due. My due date was December 16.. I cry every single day. I can’t stand myself sometimes. Most of my friends think I should be “over it” by now. I don’t know how to move on from that sweet child I wished away…

    • Lindsey, I’m so sorry. You don’t need to be “over it”, everyone needs time to heal. It’s so important to let ourselves heal. Have you thought about talking with a counselor? Talking this out and processing it with someone can help so much. You’re not alone, we care about you.

  61. How does a person cope and move on. Miscarriage two years ago. And recently bout two months ago i fell pregnant again. We were overjoyed and decided to keep it a secret until i was 3 months. Went for our first scan on the 13\11\2014 when we saw the fetus but their was no movement our heartbeat. Our world came to a standstill. Gyne gave us the option to misscarriage naturally. Or be admitted to hospital. I opted to go to the hospital as we have a 9 year old daughter who was not aware that i was pregnant and that i didnt want her to see me going through this pain. So i was admitted to hospital. Given tablets to let the fetus passed that didnt work and was sent for D&C. I feel empty inside. Gyne told us afterwards that it was twins. My husband has bern supportive as well as family and friends. How fo i cope with this grieve. Should i tell my daughter that the baby brother she hoped and prayer for was there but it with God in heaven. Do i give myself the hope of falling pregnant again knowing that this can happen again. Wanting the hurt to stop. Wanting to hold my babies in my arms but i know that it is impossible. Why does these things have to happen to people who loves children so much and can give them the love that the deserve. It everything hopeless or is their a light at the end of the tunnel

    • Danielle, I’m so very sorry. Truly. You need to grieve this loss in whatever ways you feel appropriate. I don’t know why these things happen, but know you are strong and you will find a way to keep going. Give yourself grace and time to heal.

  62. This article is such an encouragement right now.. It’s 4:30am I’ve been up since 3am balling my eyes out. I have 2 young boys and was 12 weeks pregnant with baby number 3.. So when I woke up 2 days ago with every symptom of a miscarriage, it’s been an absolute roller coaster ride of emotions ever since. Spent all day in the doctors office doing tests and sonos, it’s been confirmed that I lost the baby. The devastation I’m feeling and just the absolute emptiness is awful. Reading this post has given me hope and reminded me I’m not alone through this and it’s ok to grieve! That was my baby that I’ll never be able to hold… Some people won’t understand how terrible the feeling of loss is considering I wasn’t that far along but mothers bond with that baby the minute they know there’s a little life inside. My prayers are with all the other moms going through this

    • Within two days I saw a relative’s new baby and I had a d and c. I have always thought i was a strong person (emotionally). But I do not want to hear anymore “everything happens for a reason or its gods will.” I know people think they have to say something, but they don’t. Because nothing helps. I also do not want to hear, don’t worry, try next month. Do they realize that I cannot even sleep or want to eat, as I write this when I should be sleeping. Everywhere I look, I see pregnant people, or I see a Huggies commercial on t.v. I feel guilty that I can even lay on my stomach now, since my baby is no longer there. The doctor told me that our case was rare. I get the results back in about 1 month. This does not help either though. Also, now I want to get pregnant again, but now I think about “can we keep it.” I was exactly 12 weeks, which everybody told me was the magical number, mommy and baby would be ok. Well, baby is not here, and mommy is a wreck! I guess it helps to talk about it, but then it does not. How am I supposed to move on, when all I do is cry? I see people so unhealthy and they have child after child. I don’t smoke, don’t drink alcohol or caffeine, and do not have the best diet in the world, But I am healthy. So, why can’t I do the most natural thing in the world? That’s another thing, a relative told me to eat healthier and exercise, but the dr. said it was not my fault. As I am writing this, I notice a lot of I’s. I should say we, but my husband really does not say anything. I’m sure he’s feeling something, but I honestly do not even want to look at him. I guess I am looking for someone to blame, even though the doctor told me that it was not my fault. Most of my friends have had one miscarriage, and they say the same thing. Hang in there, You’ll be ok. It is very common, even though statistics usually say 10- 15%. I’ve lost relatives and friends, but this loss is truly unbearable. My daughter used to kiss my stomach and now she doesn’t do it. Even she knows and she is so young. Everybody also says be thankful for her, and hang on to her. Thank God for her, but I just want my baby back. I do not even know how to grieve, there is no funeral!

      • I’m so, so sorry, Sarah. You are allowed to grieve and feel all of your feelings. Give yourself time and grace as you go through this. I know it might be hard to talk about, but talking helps…a lot. Perhaps finding a counselor that won’t “give you advice” would be helpful. A safe place to talk can be so healing.

  63. My wife went for her 12 week ultrasound on Monday, only to find out the baby had no heartbeat. She had a miscarriage that same night. Our doctor said it may have been from the grief/shock. This pregnancy meant the world to her. I have never seen her so excited in the 10 years we have been together. Now her world has been torn from her. We feel guilt for throwing the miscarriage in the garbage. We essentially threw our unborn child in the garbage instead of giving it the decency and respect it deserved. How can you take that back? At the time we were so upset and worried that we probably weren’t thinking straight but still….I should have been the calm one. I should have thought about what we were doing. I don’t blame her at all. If I were in that position I don’t know what I would be thinking.

    I took Monday and Tuesday off of work and worked from home today. We’ve held each other, cried together, watched movies together. I’ve assured her absolutely none of this was her fault but she still thinks there is something she did wrong. I wish I could make her pain go away, she doesn’t deserve to feel this way.

    • Mike, I’m so sorry for your loss. Your wife is so lucky to have you and you her. Keep being there for each other. You will get through this, but give yourselves all the time you need to grieve.

    • Hey Mike – I delivered our son December 5, in the registration bathroom of the hospital where my OBGYN sent us to schedule a dnc even though I expressed that I was having contractions every 5 minutes while at her office learning our baby was dead at 16 weeks. I’m so very angry with that woman for the way we were treated. Both my husband’s family and mine were all told about the pregnancy because we had made it past that 12 week mark and had received the chromosome results indicating that there were no malformations and that we could expect our son May 17.The doctor said the baby only measured 12 weeks when I delivered, apparently dying right after my 12 week sonogram measuring the baby at 12 weeks and 5 days. That makes no sense to me. None. The only thing that makes sense for me right now is that my husband has also been wonderful. He’s on his way home from work right now, coming home early because he could sense that I was having a bad day. I’m grateful to have him in my life. You sound a lot like him.

  64. Pingback: To Be Whole…. | photographsnmemories

  65. i really need someone to talk to, im going through a though time. i just barely lost my baby on Friday the 12 and the babies fathers acting like he doesnt care. hes out with his friends. drinking having fun. while I on the other hand am tearing my self up. i wish there was something i could have done. Since our baby died he has seen me twice. and that was for about a minute each time. I asked him to come over last night, because i was crying and very upset but instead he hung out with his friends. I am not in a very bright place. and i would just like my baby back. i really just need someone to talk to.

    • I’m so very sorry for what your going through. .I currently found out my baby’s heart and brain aren’t developing correctly that if I go full term he will die in my arms ..I have to make the worst decision in my life..no woman should have to go through any of this alone ..I’m here for you to talk to and I understand your grief I lost my first pregnancy in June of this year ..

      • Hello, I am really sorry to hear about what you are going through..I had to made the decision earlier on this year..and then experienced a miscarriage three months later…

        • Nobody should ever have to make the decision ..I’m glad I have support on here and at home ..I’m heartbroken ..makes you feel a little better knowing others have gone through it and survived ..