13 Things You Should Know About Grief After Miscarriage or Baby Loss

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loss of a babyTrigger warning: The following post is one which discusses pre-term and neonatal loss and the process that many women and families go through when they have lost a baby.  If you are feeling vulnerable at this time and this post does not speak to your experience, consider not reading it as it may cause you distress at a time when you are trying to regain strength.

Losing a baby though miscarriage, elective termination, stillbirth, childbirth, after a NICU stay, SIDS, or any other time is, without a doubt, one of the most difficult experiences that a parent will ever endure.  There are no words to explain the depth of despair that a parent goes through when attempting to understand the shift that occurs when all hopes and expectations suddenly drop out from underneath anything stable. It is an experience that many will never need to make sense of and also one that many others will swim through unexpectedly.  It is tragic and drastic and totally and completely unfair and yet thousands upon thousands of families find themselves in this position each year. Here is what we know:

  • Approximately 15-20% of confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage
  • In the US, the rate of stillbirth is documented as 1 in 160-200 pregnancies
  • In the US, the rates of SIDS affects between 5,000-7,000 infants every year
  • In the US, approximately 11,300 infants die within 24 hours of their birth each year

I give these statistics not to scare you, but because it is important for those mothers who have lost their children to know that they are not alone; to know that there are many others out there who are needing to navigate this loss too. I have worked with countless women in my office as they try to manage the unfamiliar emotions that surround loss, and I have learned a great deal from these phenomenal moms.  I also have a dear friend and colleague who lost her daughter hours after birth and she, too, has honored me with her insight, pain, and eventual healing.  With the information gathered from both my clients and my dear friend (who is now a clinician in San Francisco specializing in perinatal loss), this post today is written for all of the moms out there who are trying to navigate the unfamiliar postpartum experience while also grieving the loss of a child that never made it home or past that first year mark.  For these moms, postpartum distress is complicated by the process of grief, and sometimes it is hard to make sense of what goes where in this unimaginable puzzle. So, if you are one of these women, here is what I want you to know:

  1. Some women who lose babies through miscarriage are able to move through this loss freely, while others feel deep despair at this loss.  There are no “shoulds” in this.  No right way to feel.  If you feel strong and grounded and ready to move forward after a miscarriage that is totally valid.  If you feel deep loss and grief then that, too, is appropriate.  No one gets to tell you how you feel except you.
  2. Any time a body goes from being pregnant to not being pregnant, there is a significant shift in hormones that can affect brain chemistry.  Postpartum depression, anxiety, and other mood disorders can affect a mom regardless of the point at which a baby is delivered.  You are likely in a position where you need to process through grief while also having a vulnerable brain chemistry.  This can make the experience of healing feel impossible for many.
  3. Grief is a normal process and includes a shifting of emotions such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.   Grief felt after the loss of a baby from miscarriage or other event is not necessarily depression and while there may be some overlap, it should not be treated as such.  If you feel angry one day and dissociated from your loss the next, this is normal.
  4. If you are not aware of a shifting through the stages of grief and continue to feel debilitated by your suffering, there may be an element of clinical depression or anxiety that needs to be addressed.  “Healthy” grief moves, but sometimes it can develop into relentless depression that requires more specific treatment.  Many moms will experience depression that includes feelings of guilt, shame, self-doubt and sometimes suicidal ideation.  Regaining a sense of self, hope, and trust is important to one’s healing after a loss such as this.
  5. Identity shifting is a huge piece of the postpartum experience for every new parent, and yet moms who lose their babies are not able to show the world their mother-ness.  If you feel like a mom, and yet are not able to participate in the experiences that the mothers around you are included in, know that this is a shared experience and that, whether or not the world can see this, we value you as a mother too.
  6. Loss can often beget feelings of loss.  Many women who lose their babies become suddenly afraid of losing everything else, be it their sanity, other relationships important to them, their faith in the world, or any hope for the future.  Many, many women who go through this loss feel a deep need to grab onto other things in their life for fear of losing those, too.  If this is happening to you, let those close to you know.
  7. Relationships with spouse/partner, family, and friends will be impacted by your loss.  It is important to be aware of the tendency to isolate during this time.  Receiving appropriate support will be imperative in your healing and there may be work to do in relearning your relationships given this new reality.  If you are unable to get the support that you need from loved ones, reach out to a therapist who can help.
  8. While you desperately want your spouse/partner to understand what you are going through, he/she may not.  People grieve differently.  Often, losing a baby is a very different experience for a birth mother than it is for her partner, as she was the one who felt the development of this baby and feels, still, the physical loss as her body adjusts to no longer being pregnant.  Give space for your own process as well as your partner’s.
  9. You are likely to learn who your truest friends are during this time.  Some people’s insecurities and fears around loss and tragedy may interfere with their ability to be there for you.  It is entirely appropriate for you to spend time with those who are able to give you what you need, and to take distance from those who do not.
  10. It is normal to feel triggered into sadness and despair when you least expect it.  You may find reminders in the places where you least intend them to be.  Seeing other pregnant women, babies, holidays and anniversaries, playgrounds, doctor’s offices, advertisements for baby-related items, may bring you to tears even when you feel strong.  This is normal.
  11. People don’t always know what to say.  Many of you will want desperately to talk about your babies, to bring them to life through your words and memories, to make room for them in conversation and in your experiences.  Some people will worry that bringing your baby and your loss in conversation will be upsetting to you.  It is helpful to let the people in your life know what you need.
  12. Just because you are ready to feel whole again, are healing, and may decide to have more children, this does not mean that the baby who you lost is forgotten.  Regaining strength does not mean that you have “moved on” and will no longer think of what might have been.  Your pregnancy and your baby will always be a part of you.  However, you deserve to be well and the feeling that you must keep grieving in order to stay faithful to your baby will not serve you.  Finding a way to honor your pregnancy or your baby through ritual or event is often a lovely way of incorporating that being into your life as you move forward.
  13. And finally, find others who have experienced something similar.  As mentioned so many times on this blog, community is imperative and I am certain that there are others out there who can offer you the kind of solace, strength, and integrity that you will need as you continue to heal.

~ Kate Kripke, LCSW

Other stories and information about grief and depression after stillbirth, miscarriage or other loss that you might find helpful:

What Is the Difference Between Grief & Depression After Pregnancy Loss? – this story includes a list of organizations that specialize in supporting moms who have experienced loss such as miscarriage or stillbirth

The Blurred Lines Between Depression and Grief After a Loss written by Jessica Watson, a mom who has been through perinatal loss

3 Ways to Support Women Who’ve Experienced Miscarriage or Stillbirth


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About Kate Kripke

Kate Kripke is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) specializing in the prevention and treatment of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. She is also a Colorado state coordinator for Postpartum Support International. Kate lives in Boulder with her husband and two daughters and writes an eponymous blog.

Tell Us What You Think


  1. Thank you for this today. I have suffered two miscarriages and I never grieved them properly. I blew them off because I didn’t want the pity (in fact, no one but my husband knew about the 2nd one until we got pregnant with my son). It’s hard to talk about and have people understand.

    • I just miscarried monday and i ddint even know i was pregnant untill it was tol late. I feel robbed, like i never got to be a mother. I feel guilty because it would only have been 4weeks old and that im not sure how to feel. I wish i had know , i feel like i dont have the right to grieve because it was only 4 weeks and i didnt even know I was pregnant. Im also scared to approach sex again but before it was such a big part pf my life before and ive been so hormonal and I’ve wanted it since the miscarriage and i feel so ashamed. I shouldn’t want sex because i just lost a baby i didnt even know i had.

      • Crissy, I’m sorry for your loss. I think it’s completely appropriate to separate the feelings you feel about your miscarriage and the fact that you still have desire to be with your partner. And, you have every right to grieve no matter how far along you were. Your feelings are your feelings…you get to decide what you feel…no one else does.

      • I am so sorry for your loss Crissy. Take care of yourself and nurture yourself in which ever way is good and safe for you. Sex is a big part of life, it is embracing life!

    • I am praying for you.

  2. emmalina says:

    wish I’d had some of this info back in the 90’s. Had 4 losses, two in first trimester, two IUFD’s @19 wks. Clinical depression for 18 mo. and had 3 littles to care for. Learned some of these the hard way; now stay on the look-out for others going through a loss.

  3. Thank you Katie for this post. And Kathrine, thank you for your efforts to continually help baby loss moms. You do such a good job of recognizing the similarities and stark differences between PPD and baby loss, honoring those differences and helping. I’m continually impressed and proud to know you.

  4. Thank you, Kate. Those are very helpful suggestions.

  5. This is such helpful and reassuring advice. I’ve just come home from hospital after an awful 10 days that ended in 2x unsuccessful medically managed treatments & emergency surgery at 11.5 weeks. I’m a mess right now & awful images that I’ve seen fill my head when I try to sleep. I’ve been worrying about the fragility of life & losing the rest of my family, so point 6 makes me feel like I’m not going crazy. Thanks so much for posting this.

  6. My babys father didn’t even show any love after my miscarriage . Felt very alone. So so hard

    • My husband never gave me the time to grieve after my miscarriage. He showed very little concern or compassion. It has pretty much ruined our relationship. I lost my baby over 9 years ago and his tratment of me during that time will never be forgotten. You’re right. It’s so, so hard. I wish you well and will say a prayer for you.

    • I also upset that I was very sad after having the misscarriage. It seemed as if the baby’s father didn’t care. He said he was sad but I think he just said it because I am so sad. He never shed a tear, but I cried till I had no tears left. I too feel alone and angry.

    • I know how you feel :(

  7. Thank you for using gender neutral language in this post and allowing it to speak to all couples experiencing this loss. There are so many posts on miscarriage out there that have made me feel isolated the moment they mentioned how my ‘husband’ could be feeling.

    • Thank you for saying that Brandi. We really try to make sure we talk about spouses and partners. Husbands and partners. Whatever. If you see us doing differently, let us know ASAP so we can fix it!! It’s important to us that all moms feel welcome and supported here.

      • sallo wario says:

        Thanks a lo for this. Had a miscarriage in 2005 at 20weeks, in 2013 february lost my beautiful angel lydia 16hrs after she was born at 32wks. We. Broke up with my partner recently coz our grieving was soo different we couldnt communicate. He shut himself in a cocoon and i was too emotional and crying a lo of times we would try to talk. He just went quiet.

        • stephanie says:

          My husband and I miscarried 2 yrs ago then a year later to the day preg again..she only lived 26 days its been a month since she past..we have 4 boys so we were so excited..my husband as well has shut down or gets angry out of nowhere and takes it out on me..I cry and blame myself everyday when I talk to him he just gets so mad at me…at first we were on the right spiritual path knowing God needed both our girls but now its going deeper down hill everyday..I dont know what to do…

        • melissa thomson says:

          I hav just left hospital gave birth to our 23 week old baby lastnite 11dec died early labour and at start year jan 3rd 2014 we lost our beatiful perfect baby girl at 36 weeks pregnant still birth.i didnt lok at my baby lastnite an dnt knw wether to or not before gets cremated.i dont know how im going get thru this all i want is to hav a live healthy baby.so sad words cant describe the pain.

          • Im so sorry Melissa, I too gave birth dec 6th and lost our son at 24 weeks. I am so distraught, i have been diagnosed with post partum anxiety……..i have a hole so deep in my heart….My thoughts and prayers are with you

          • so sorry for both of your losses, unimaginable sadness, take care Naomi

          • Hi Melissa,
            I truly understand what you are going through. I lost my twins after giving them birth on 13 th Dec 2014. I pray that we should be blessed with healthy child very soon. Take care. This loss cant be recovered and this pain is forever. We cant describe it. Take care.

          • hi Melissa, i know exactly what you are going through. it’s been almost six weeks since i lost our son at twenty five weeks. i still see him whenever i close my eyes at night.. he was so tiny, and looked so much like his father. i am still grieving..and it is so hard. but, im trying to be strong because i know that he is in a better place right now. so, just hang in there. we can get through this together.

  8. i had one miscarriage last month and im having hard time now
    Thank you your suggestions are helpful

    • I think I am still trying to come to terms with my miscarriage two years ago at 16 weeks. I had 1 year old at the time who is now 3 and I was extremely lucky to fall pregnant again and now have a gorgeous little 1 year old. Even though I know we are extremely lucky I won’t let myself forget what happened and think about what could have been quite a lot and I do feel like I’m punishing myself yet at the same time trying my best not to remember what happened I didn’t let myself grieve and I’m worried this could be a cause of my up and down mood swings x

  9. Thank you for this, it was exactly what I needed today, particularly #12. I had a miscarriage recently and have felt such deep sadness and despair. The last several days I have begun to feel more positive and upbeat but anytime I start feel as though the sadness is easing and I think about trying to get pregnant again, I also feel guilty for “moving forward” as if I am forgetting our baby. #12 spoke directly to me and the article as a whole was so helpful. I hope more people who are coping come across this post.

  10. Wow. Great article. It helps to know that the things that I have gone through (and am going through now) are normal. I’ve recently suffered 2 m/c (Sept 2013 & Jan 2014), the last one ending in a very intense ER stay. While I am healing and feeling more peace every day, I am SERIOUSLY struggling with #6 & #10. I am having panic attacks and have felt very terrified of any harm coming to my husband, daughter, myself and other loved ones. I often cannot sleep at night, laying awake in a terrible panicked fear of death and loss. Much of the time I am ok….but other times, I just feel this terrible sadness. I’ve always been very in charge of my emotions, faith and outlook on life. Yes, I still feel that life is amazing. I still embrace every day with an open mind and heart, happy for the blessings I have been given, but I just can’t seem to shake this sadness that creeps into my heart.

    • Perfect timing of coming across this article. I too suffered a loss in Sept 2013 and January 2014. These past few weeks I have been anxious – I think I never allowed myself to grieve. I reached out to a therapist and so far so good. Thanks for writing this!

  11. Thank you. I struggle with # 10, more so because i found out I was pregnant the same day a coworker did. I had my miscarriage in February and now seeing her pregnancy progress normally while mine ended is quite painful. Im happy for her as well as my niece who is now pregnant but it feels me with such sadness.

    • I’m so sorry for your loss Elizabeth. ~ K

    • Hi Elizabeth,

      So very sorry to hear of your loss. Went through the same thing at work. New job, no booze, another colleague slipped that her daughter-in law was pregnant at the same time. Having to cancel celebrations is tough. It is like losing someone when you are young, that until you have been in that awful club, you just don’t get it.

      I had my rather traumatic event (Christmas Day will always remind me of it), and last week my poor colleague, as a near-granny, went through it.

      Take care of you,


    • germaine says:

      Dee. I too am so very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how much strength it took for you to keep going to work and being reminded of your precious loss. I am so sorry that you have to go through that. I myself have experienced three precious losses. My first was due 9/27/11. My second was due 10/11/12. And my third was due 5/4/13. It has been a whirlwind to say the least. It wasn’t really until I lost my third one that I really realized I did not give myself time to grieve my first two children. So once realizing this (with the help of a counselor), I have been allowing myself to go through the grieving process. But among so many different situations, the most hurtful feeling I have is feeling a sense of resentment toward my niece who has had her baby. I was was loosing my second child while I had to plan and put her baby shower together. I was just dealing with my second D&C when I found out she had her child five days later. And when she came home (she lives out of town) for the first time with her baby, I was the one that had to pick them up from the airport and be with them for the weekend until it was time for them to go back. Now…………….she is expecting her second child the same month my second child is due. Its been hard and heavy grieving for my children. But what makes it even harder is having someone so close to you having success birthing their children while your children had never been seen, touched, smelled or even heard (with the exception of the sonogram). It hurts to loose your children, but the person who I am having challenges with as I see her grow her family is someone who I helped raised throughout her life as if she were my own. As I think about it over and over, I have come to the conclusion to help myself, is to be reminded that I have no desire to be envious of my “own child”…the person I helped raise. But sometimes its hard.

      Since I lost my three children in the span of two years only being married for four years, its been so hard. trying to begin new life with my husband while watching our children die in the process. I had the idea of having to go on sometimes, meaning wanting to feel optimistic or positive. But I know I need to for Me. My husband has been a a great blessing from the Lord in helping and acknowledge my grieving process, but I feel that perhaps I not doing as good as I think I should. I guess what it all boils down to is…….I find myself having to reestablish my life with new goals, new dreams as well as new realities and to tell you the truth It’s Hard! Sometimes I just don’t want to because it feels more comfortable sitting in my own unhappiness. Sometimes I get so edgy and irritable whenever something does not go right for me..Some big as a getting a new job to my hair style not looking just right for the day. I feel that I am consumed with thinking that everyone else’s life is so much better than mine that I feel sucked up in a monster sized whirlwind. Right now I feel sad in my heart. I feel broken in my spirit. But by the grace of God, I can say that level of intense pain is not as painful as before and the frequency of my tears aren’t as frequent. But I still feel like I am no longer the person who I was,. I am know trying to accept our losses and stop tryin to feel like I was prior to 2011. Although I know each person has their own journey to go through, I have decided to not rush mine (so I can become truely healthy from the inside out) but on the other hand I have also decided to take time on purpose to think about my children whether through prayer, or what I wanted to make the nursery with to anything else I can think of. Its been a hard road, but I do tell myself sometime if my children were here…i know I would tell them “go through the process, but don’t give up on your dreams”.

      I still have a dream of having a family with my husband. And since we have decided to no longer try naturally, we are heavily thinking about adoption. Although right now we are not 100% sure we are going through the process to see if it for us. yes I am scared of this because my first instinct tells me that somewhere down the line, i’ll have another loss of a child. Whether it be not finding a right match for my husband and I or realizing that perhaps my heart may be too damaged to want to love another child again. But that decision will come in time..We are in prayer for our losses as well as our possible gain.

      Dee, I am praying for you

  12. I had a miscarriage 2 days ago and I feel so empty and alone. I blame myself and wish it was all a bad dream.

    • Oh Starr, I’m so sorry. Have you found help and support in your community to help you? Please know that you don’t have to try and get through this by yourself.

    • Hi starr, I has a mc 2 weeks ago. My first pregnancy and feeling exactly the same. My husband is working I/s as well which had made it worse. I pray that we both recover from this and go on to have a wonderful pregnancy and healthy baby xx

    • I am going through same thing hun, I’m sorry u r to. I dnt know who to talk to because was so early I just keep thinking that I am overreacting…anyone feel same pleass let me know…

      • You are definitely not overreacting. (I have wondered the same thing about myself too) I feel a little silly actually sometimes, and then a strong sense of loss. I am 40 years old with an 18 yr old and a 15 year old. I love them dearly. I thought I was beginning menopause only to find out that I was pregnant. This was Thurs. On Monday I had a dr appt to find out how far I really was and all looked great. No spotting, cramping or anything. Felt great. Tuesday’s ultrasound pulled the rug from me. The baby stopped developing at 5 weeks but my body wouldn’t let it go. We elected to do a MVE that day since there obviously was no hope. I felt kind of silly because I only knew for less than a week. It was a surprise-almost an “oh no..what are we going to do?” That only lasted less than an evening. Went into “mommy” mode quickly. I think my hardest thing now is re-accepting that my childbearing days are gone. I was really ok with menopause before. We had our future planned out. Now I am a total mess and it’s very difficult to accept. I just keep hoping that time heals quickly because I cry everyday and the stupidest things trigger it out of the blue. I am sorry for your loss and I wish you (all of you) the best of luck and a peace of mind and soul.

        • Hi Angela,
          The same thing happened to me I am 40 have three kids 19,18, & 15.
          I found out in April I was preg. After 15 years! I knew for two weeks and at the six week checkup there was no HB was told it was a missed misscarrige. Had a d&c three weeks later. I still felt preg. Guess what?! There was a twin that was missed by the sono inside also not viable. I miscarried it naturally a sono showed there was still leftover tissue. I ended up having another D&c again in August. So had two d&c & tons of greif. It felt like the horror wasn’t ending. I already made peice with not having more. Now I’m having a very rough time. I know exactly how you feel. If you want to email let me know! HUGS xx

        • I understand your feelings, Angela. I wrote about my loss too and we have some similarities. I have 3 kids -18, 14 and 10. I got pregnant on purpose after years of working to avoid it. I was ecstatic but had a mis carriage at 6 weeks 2 days. It’s been terrible, and I too was okay with the end of childbearing before this loss. Now it just seems like another huge loss. I would like to communicate via email, too, as Yides suggested. No pressure. I haven’t met anyone who has a similar story. I am also having lots of problems with my family. Although my husband is not really interested in trying again, he has been my strongest support.

          • I don’t know where to start. I just had my 7th miscarriage (all were in the last 10 years). We had been trying for 16 months straight with fertility treatments. I was taking all the appropriate medications right away under the care of a high risk specialist. Right before Christmas I had the 6 week ultrasound, everything looked great, heartbeat, baby and all. One week later all was fine still. At 8 1/2 weeks though the ultrasound showed that the baby had died. D&C followed and I am so depressed. I have 4 children ages 12,8,5, and 2. I feel like I can’t care for them any more, I feel afraid to live. I don’t want to take the antidepressant my dr has prescribed for me, most of my friends are avoiding me. My husband is buried in work and works weekly out of state. What to do next? Nothing makes me feel better, I am sad, confused, and feel lonely. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

            • Anne – I’m so sorry for your loss. You need to reach out for some professional help if you feel you are afraid to live. You don’t have to suffer like this. If you aren’t sure yet about the medication, what about speaking with a counselor? It can be so healing to share some of these difficult feelings with someone who will truly listen and support you.

              • Thank you for connecting with me, Becky. I appreciate your advice and will try to find a counselor. As I heard last week in church I should delight in my sufferings….I am having a hard time doing that. I need to accept what I can’t change but I truly can’t rejoice in my circumstances. Not that I feel alienated by our pastor – I understand his point – but the sermon does not help me with my grief. I have been contemplating acupuncture to relieve the depression; the medications don’t work, they only remove me strangely from my feelings. I believe a good counselor will be helpful for me. Thanks again for caring and your kind reply to my post.

  13. Thanks for writing this article, it really spoke to me. I suffered a miscarriage 10 days ago. This was my second one- first was April 2009. My emotions are all over the place: I sometimes feel disconnected from the event, other times I feel anger and sometimes intense sadness especially if I think about getting pregnant again. For the past few days I just feel lost. My partner and family are there for me but I feel alone with my feelings. As if no one truly understands me.

    • omalicha says:

      I had a miscarriage on the 31st of May 2014 at 6wks.I knew I was pregnant 6 days before that and I was super excited cos I and hubby tried to get preggy for 3 months now.since I miscarried,my family n husband has bin dear for me and they all say ‘u’ll hav another one’ in a bid to comfort me.some say ‘it wasn’t too far along’.It may sound funny but am seriously grieving.am I wrong to feel dis way since d baby was just six weeks old.I just feel a deep despair I can’t explain.

    • I am feeling the exact same way… I saw ur post and it is exactly what I have been going thru hun. I’m sorry because it is harder than I ever thought…

  14. sarah hazel says:

    Thankyou I had a missed miscarriage on Tuesday, I am noe concerned that I cannot go through this again and as a result concerned that my partner may see it as a deal breaker. He has been incredible and made me fall in love with him all over again. I can’t move forward with out him. Makes me feel better to know it is a normal part of grief.xx

  15. I’m just starting to read this and wow I got through the first 2 and was blown away. I had my miscarriage on 2/14/14 so it’s still very fresh to me. I have started counseling because I thought I could too just blow this off or replace it with something else like a vacation…that didn’t work the grief is still very much alive. Reading these posts from all of you too has just made me breathe again. I am so sorry for all of your losses as with mine. There is no pain (emotional or physical) that I have ever endured in my life. ((((HUGS)))) to all.

  16. Thank you for this. I had a terrible mc at 20 weeks, which followed by 5 wks of complications. 5 months after I unexpectantly fell pregnant but my joy was short lived as I mc at 11 wks, and hemoraged quite severely that I needed a d&c. I had another mc in 2010, but 4 months after fell pregnant and had a beautiful healthy boy. He and my husband are my rock. I have been so strong throughout all of this, however since my last mc 2 wks ago today it really affected me at my friend’s sons 1st bday party. I just broke down in tears. Has anyone thought of getting away for a while to get away from it all? I honestly believe it will help. I would love your opinion. Thank you.

    • Hi Jess, I can tell you from my own experience that I did do just that. I had my mc Feb 14, 2014 my husband and 3 daughters went to FL at the beginning of April. I went there with the impression it would “fix” everything and “fix” me. The vacation was wonderful and I could breathe that week but then we came home and everything was still there. My feelings came back, my emotional and physical self came back. You can’t run. The break was wonderful!! I however didn’t start to feel someone what better until I went and got help. I see a counselor now and maybe that’s not the road for everyone but for me it seems to be giving me light. For one it lead me to this website. My “homework” from my counselor was to look on the net for articles regarding “grieving a mc”…that’s what I did. This site has helped me immensely!! I find for myself looking for blogs much like this rather than medical articles has been more helpful. I am not healed but I am on the road to acceptance and forgiving myself. (((HUGS))) to you and I hope your journey will bring you light, hope and acceptance

    • Thank you story has given me the hope I’ve been searching after a Miscarriage June 2014 and having to let go of my dying baby now ..I’ve been asking myself am I suppose to be a mom ..seeing your post has given me hope that God will give me a healthy baby just not now ..

  17. Claudia says:

    Thanks for posting this. I had a miscarriage in March 2014 and while I’ve been feeling much better, today has been a really tough day. It’s good to hear about others people’s experiences.

    • As much as I think I am OK, I am still grieving the loss of 2 miscarriages. One in November 2013 and the second in April 2014. I find that I just can’t quite get back the joy I once had. Seeing other babies remind me of what I lost and I sometimes come to tears.
      I have 2 healthy beautiful children and feel guilty that they are not enough. I know I haven’t had the time to grieve and will be starting therapy soon. I feel a lot of anxiety and emotions just flood me sometimes.
      I found this post searching for ways to cope with grief. Thanks for writing it.

      • I am so glad I came across this site. I suffered a m/c last week June 11th at 8 weeks…my first pregnancy. I am 33 and I had no symptoms and went to my first appt to be told there was no heartbeat and I would miscarry. I started bleeding as soon as I got home from appt. my husband hAs been my rock. We are not giving up but this will not make getting pregnant again any easier. Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories it has helped me so much.

      • Your post speaks to me…just had my second mc in July and already have 3 children. Really having a hard time with all of the emotions I have…

  18. Had a miscarriage 2 days ago. My life will never be the same again. No words can begin to describe what I’m feeling. Don’t know how I’ll ever move on from this.

  19. You all seem so strong. I wish i had your strength. All I’ve ever wanted was a family but I wasn’t ready with a partner/fiance until 2 years ago. We thought we needed to hurry & try because of our ages. I had 2 natural pregnancies both resulting in miscarriage and 1 failed IVF and 1 successful IVF resulting in miscarriage. Worse the Dr says there’s nothing wrong with me. That it just must be my age… total despair.. I feel depressed and hopeless for a family. I can’t look at babies without feeling that sadness and having to push back the tears. By the time I save to adopt that is if I can even convince my partner/fiance to adopt. Just hopeless. All I know is one day I will meet my babies in heaven. But that doesn’t help me now. Angry!. So many families, people who don’t want babies unexpectedly pregnant. Why can’t those of us who would be kind loving parents, who desperately want children have our own families? Still so sad I miss my babies. I miss feeling pregnant. I wanted to hold them and love them. I don’t expect to hear back from anyone. I just need a safe forum.

  20. Lawoooo says:

    Feel like this has really helped I had a miss carraige recently all though I didn’t no I was pregnant I am really suffering the fact that I have lost something so special that I could still have, I feel like my boyfriend blames me and isn’t there for me as much as I would like maybe he doesn’t want to think about it as he has lost most of his family?im only 22 and an petrified this could happen to me again

  21. I lost my baby a month ago to biliary atresia and still trying to cope he was 5months old its so hard I always feel I did something wrong .

  22. I had a miscarriage at 19 weeks two years ago, it was awful. I recently had a second miscarriage at 9 weeks. I feel completely hopeless that I will ever be happy again. I am worried that I am not giving my two daughters the happy life that they deserve. I’m not coping and am debating whether or not to try antidepressants. I just really want to feel happy again and to somehow switch off the hurt and the need for another baby.

  23. I am 26 years old and in a span of 5 months i have had 2 miscarriages. The first one was a big disappointment, but the second one i cant explain. I feel deep anger and resentment that i feel no one can understand. I was diagnosed with PCOs and most of the time i ask myself ‘why me?’ I feel my partner is fed up coz of my situation and i have been thinking of ending things with him because i know how much he wants a child and i feel my chances of ever being a mom is minimal. I break down when my emotions build up and I feel like im going to end up alone in this world. How do i deal with this? How do I deal with myself? Where do people go from here. Someone help me. Im in Africa and finding a therapist is close to impossible, I need help

  24. Thank you for this. I miscarried April 2014. First pregnancy at age 40 of a desperately wanted baby. I feel I should be able to move on but I’m so tired and sad all the time. I feel in my heart that things are never going to get better and I will never have a child. I have very supportive husband and family and friends but I am just not coping
    Good to know I’m not alone

  25. Lost my baby 7-7-14 at 16 weeks. I can’t control my emotions. This is the hardest thing I have ever had up endure. I feel no one understands me.

    • I’m so sorry to hear that Sierra. I hope you are able to find some local support. There are so many women around you who have had the same experience and do understand. They’ll want to help.

    • I am scrolling through these comments and this just explains what I feeling. Found out last week I miscarried. Been married over 8 yrs. Been with my husband 14 years. He is being there for me but I push him away. I don’t feel he or any1 else understands how I feel or what I am going through. My birthday just passed. Holidays are coming up. I don’t want to be around any1. Its just so hard. I work and am in school and don’t feel like going at all. I find myself leaving the house with nowhere to go and nowhere in mind. My husband wants to keep trying and I am absolutely terrified of going through this again. I also miscarried twice when I was younger. I can’t deal with going through this again. Everyone around me has children. Tired of making excuses why we don’t have any of our own. I see a lot of us feel the same but why do I feel like I am the only one?

      • Marie, I am very sorry to hear about your miscarriage. You are not alone. It may feel like it, but many women and couples go through this too. Give yourself time to grieve and process what has just happened to you. It may be tempting to want to shut down, but when you feel ready, let your husband in. He may be hurting too.

  26. Thanks so much for this article. I’m hanging on by a thread after my first pregnacy/first mc. Like if very bleak for me right now and I’m struggling to see any light at the end of the tunnel. Thus is the best article I have read on dealing with mc.

  27. Well I experienced a miscarriage at 7 weeks. The depressing part is that I was unaware that I was pregnant. I ave no one to really discuss it with. I do receive comments that I’m not a mother because I don’t have kids but to me I feel as if I’m a mother. I cry to myself && hold a lot of feelings in because I have no one to discuss my issues with.

    • Of COURSE you feel like you are a mother. No one gets to take that away from you just because you lost your precious baby. It’s okay for you to grieve that loss. Please know that, Lashay.

  28. After trying for 7 years, I finally found out I was pregnant the same month my husband decided he wanted a divorce. I have now had a miscarriage. I blame myself because I didn’t protect my unborn child from the stress and anxiety that I was feeling during that time. Thank you for what you said. I am feeling so alone. I am glad to know that what I am feeling is normal.

  29. Thanks for writing this post. I delivered our baby on 12 May 2014 at 18 weeks. The first month after was really difficult. Second month I have tried picking myself up and found I’d have good and bad days. Now entering third month I am generally ok but struggle SO much with seeing big families (lots of kids). I come from a big family (6 kids and I am the eldest) and now my husband and I have a 4 1/2 year old. I was wanting, dreaming for my daughter to have a sibling as I come from a big family and know how fun and supportive a big family can. We are an immigrant family with no immediate family close by, no cousins to play with. So I dreamt, hoped and imagined us being a family of 4 – with a playmate for my little girl. I was so excited for my little girl to have a playmate – she gets sad when she plays in the playground on her own. Now my dream has shattered and I don’t know how to address my sadness knowing what triggers my grief. Of course, my other triggers are seeing newborns and heavily pregnant women.

    • I can only imagine how painful this is for you Marie. I hope you are able to talk to your doctor about what you are going through so that he or she can suggest some local resources for grief support. It’s worth reaching out. Having others to talk to who have been through what you are going through can make a difference.

    • Marie
      Your story…I can completely relate to. I don’t know how you are doing since July, 2014. In my situation, I delivered our baby in 2013 at 16 weeks. I also come from a big family of 6, however I am the youngest. I have a 4 year old who I have wanted nothing more than for her to have a sibling in life… a hand to hold, a heart to share through life. She has no small cousins to play with as they are all much older. Although I make an effort to play with her a lot myself throughout the day, and do playdates, and take her to classes and activities…nothing can replace having a sibling to share everyday things with. She loves and is sooo good with babies and other smaller children….it really tugs at my heart when I see what she could have experienced in her life …. that love on a daily basis… but isn’t. My husband refuses to try to have another child. I won’t even go there…as to how seriously him not wanting a sibling for our daughter has affected the way I see my husband as a person. I have always been about family. I feel such a great loss of what could have been for my little girl…she lost her only chance of having a sibling. I cry from time to time over my heartbreak of losing the baby I already loved, and for the loss of my daughter’s sibling, and that she will never have a sibling. My niece had a baby and I can’t wait to hold her baby and spoil her for the first time. My triggers are seeing my daughter have such a great big happy loving giving heart everyday and seeing our big empty house and no one else in it for her to share with. My dreams are also shattered as I envisioned a completely different life for my daughter. I feel sad, lost and confused sometimes, and pray for God to direct my next step….I’m still waiting. I hope you have better news since you last wrote in July…maybe you don’t. Either way, take care through this all Marie.

  30. It’s funny how I have grieved differently with each m/c. I have just had my 4th one in less than a year and this time I feel bitter, angry and alone. My husband tries to be supportive but I don’t feel much comfort. I feel like an awful wife and mom (I have a 2 Year old.) I am a mess. I feel like talking about it because I hate keeping it such a secret, but I don’t know who to talk to. No one knows what to say. Thanks for posting this. It helped me see that all my emotions are normal.

  31. Thank you for this. I found out my beautiful baby had no heart beat on 6-21-14. I still sit here and think about that day and those terrifying words “no heartbeat”. I was 10 weeks and my family tells me ” it could of been worse, you could of been further along”. It’s nice to read how other people are getting through this.

  32. Hi, thank you so much for this article. I have had a medical miscarriage due to chromosomal abnormality in May at 17 weeks. Since then I have not been able to come to terms with it even slightest. This was my first pregnancy at the age of 28 and I find it so unfair, I blame myself for what happened, and feel alienated towards my body, as I feel it let me down. Almost the whole pregnancy was very traumatic and emotionally wrecking- since week 9 when we had our first scan and were alerted of developmental problems. Since then we received one bad news after another ending by confirmation of chromosomal abnormality. I tried really hard to grieve and accept what happened, but only find myself having hostile feelings towards others who have healthy kids, even my close friends. My partner has not been very supportive and blamed me for being too emotional and sobbing all the time. I feel like this is the end of our relationship…

  33. I believe this article is very soothing and comforting for those who have lost a baby in a miscarriage, or in any other way. Thanks for sharing the grieving process of your lost and those of many others that have gone through the same pain, and the hope of victory after the grieving.

  34. Thank you so much for this post. I miscarried at nine weeks and am having a difficult time coping with the loss. This was my first pregnancy, and although it wasn’t planned, I loved that baby the moment I knew it was inside of me. I know that ultimately it was not my fault, but the guilt and the internal hatred I have are at times unbearable. I needed this today, and will probably bookmark it for future reference when I need it again. It is a beautiful tragedy to see so many other moms out there in my same place. My boyfriend has never been one to express his feelings well, and although I see he is grieving, I still feel like he doesn’t understand. The baby was inside of me, and now I feel empty. My next step will be to find a therapist, because I’m not sure how to handle it all on my own.

  35. I recently had lost my baby I was 20 weeks we have older children as well a 13 and 8 year old, so I had to carry on for them make sure they are taken care of, but my sadness and hurt is around everyday and now I don’t even want my husband to touch me I never want to be pregnant again,cause I can’t go thru this again, please is this normal?

    • Joy, I imagine that each person who goes through this has her own set of feelings about it. I don’t think there is a “normal” — there is no one right way to grieve. Just know that you are not alone and that if you need help or support you can get it. There are loss support groups and organizations, and you can also talk to your doctor as well if you need to. There is a list of resources at the bottom of this post: http://www.postpartumprogress.com/what-is-the-difference-between-grief-depression-after-pregnancy-loss

      • Hello Ladies! I posted on this board several months ago. I am so sorry for your losses. You are certainly not alone in your grief. Please know that healing and peace are ahead….you’ll never forget…but you will feel better one day.

        I suffered my first m/c in September of last year…and then my second in January of this year. It took me quite a while to heal after the second m/c. It was a traumatic experience both emotionally and physically (I ended up in the ER for severe blood loss). I spent months trying to “fix myself” in whatever I ways I could. I talked to friends, made myself SUPER healthy, stayed active, organized my life….but nothing could make the pain and hole in my heart go away. I would often break down into hysterical tears or be in a foul mood, even when my day was going perfectly.

        One day, a spiritual revelation came to me…the only healing for me would be to give my pain to God and trust in His plan for my life. I’m not trying to preach. Only to let you know how I healed. I feel so much better now, and finally have some peace in my heart.

        Grief is a terrible thing. It opens up holes in your life that you never knew existed. For me, it brought on panic attacks and anxiety.

        Finally after having some spiritual healing, I was able to revisit the idea of adding on to our little family. I so very much want my daughter to have a sibling. I’m 6 weeks pregnant now, and in so many ways I am terrified. There are so many unknowns, but I’m trying to trust and take one day at a time.

  36. I had a miscarriage in March this year I was 6 weeks pregnant, I had wanted this baby for so long. (this would have been my 2nd child as I have a 9 year old little girl). I then got pregnant again straight away, thankfully, I am now 23 weeks pregnant and all is well. At the time I miscarried some people said I shouldn’t need to grieve as there wasn’t anything there in the first place (meaning the baby was so small it wasn’t yet formed). What they didn’t seem to understand was that I didn’t see it that way, this was my baby and my body. Unfortunately I took in what they said and just got on with life, the 2nd pregnancy seemed to mask all this and I was happy again. I now have days when I feel guilty that I didn’t grieve for my last baby and feel sad but will people understand me, do my family feel the same, I don’t know because I don’t talk to anyone about it. I don’t want people telling me what I was told before. Like I said this was my baby and I will never forget how I felt when I was pregnant before miscarrying. Everyone is different and deal with things in life in their own way. I think when I have had my baby I am carrying at the moment and if I feel the pain still I will speak to a professional. I do hope this helps some of you ladies out there xx

  37. only a wish says:

    well I had a miscarriage I didn’t know til I had the miscarriage I felt sad alone lost hurt balled up in one now I just want to cry every year around September thinking about my twins that would have been 5 is it bad I still hurt til this day

  38. thank you for this today was the hardest day for m. I thought being told I was miscarring wa the hardest but the doctors forgot to let me and my husband know that I would be deliving my 10 week old baby and when I went to the bathroom early my baby popped out into the tolet and the pain and heart ache I had to deal with as I got my baby out of the tolet and put into a ziplock bag. I called the hospital to let them know I had my baby in a zip lock bag and now what do I do. and they told me to flush it and the pain that they didn’t even care, and now I have my baby in a ziplock bag waiting for a few people to call me back on the a way to give my baby the right way to kay him/her to rest. I had to many emontation I didn’t know how to feel so now I have become numb and questioning what did I do wrong and what do I do now. reading this blog had helped a lot even more with the soupse part because I was getting mad that he wasn’t showing anything when he was the one who put our baby in a box till we figure out what to do next. you have no idea how much I needed to read this thank you.

  39. I too suffered a twin miscarriage just 2 weeks ago.. I don’t sleep, I can’t stop thinking about them. Nothing anyone says makes it easier. My partner put me onto this article because I thought he didn’t care due to no emotion on his end, I was wrong! He does, he just doesn’t know how to help me anymore than I know how to help myself right now.. I’m lost, I just want my babies back

  40. Thank you for this article. I recently had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. I was originally terrified but had just started to get really excited when I lost the baby. I’ve spent the last week more in a confusion than in sadness. I cried the whole first night, and quite a bit the second. I haven’t cried in the week+since. I’ve had friends who have had miscarriages and they were devastated. My best friend has been clinically depressed for 6 months. While I don’t want to be clinically depressed, and it’s horrible that she feels that way, I don’t understand why I’m not as sad as she is. I keep thinking something is wrong with me. I’m able to go through my day almost like nothing happened. I feel a twinge of sadness when someone asks me about having kids, or if I hear someone talk about their pregnancy, and I get sad when I see things on the internet but otherwise I feel pretty normal. I feel like a freak, like maybe this is the universe telling me I’m not meant to be a mother or something. I mostly just want to try again. This article made me feel not as guilty, so thank you.

  41. I had a miscarriage 4 weeks ago, and 3 days ago got my period. I am still devastated. I am 44 so was lucky to get pregnant at all and am terrified that I won’t get pregnant again and this just adds to my sadness and depression. I don’t wanna get out of bed in the morning, pretty much wish I was dead most days.

  42. I had a miscarriage on may 30 2014 it was my first pregnancy…luckily my husband and family have been more than amazing helping me through it but i can’t help but feel like I’m alone sometimes fighting an internal battle because i didn’t know very long at all ( i m/c at 6 weeks 2 days) and sometimes feel silly and push it out of mind but it is nice to know that I’m not being silly and that this is part of the grieving process- I thank you from the bottom of my heart & will forever be grateful for your article. To know that you are not alone when you feel alone is very comforting

    • I had mc at 6 weeks (in May 2014) and I know what you’re saying about feeling silly sometimes and sad other times. I start to think I’m okay and then realize I’m still not. Just found out my sister is pregnant and while I’m very excited for her I ended up crying a lot today because I’m still so sad:( I feel alone sometimes in my grief but it’s comforting to know I’m not. Hang in there!

  43. I’ve been reading ways to cope w miscarriage, as I’m currently waiting for my pregnancy to naturally begin to end. It’s my second, my son is 2. It’s so completely devastating. I try to be strong. But have breakdowns every little bit, I just can’t accept that I’m losing this little baby that I got so attached to in such a short amount of time. My poor husband is taking it just as hard, just when I feel like I’ve got myself together, I hear him crying. We just never expected this.

    • Molly anyone, can you please help me. Just found out I had had a missed miscarriage yesterday 16th sept. I am struggling feel lost . Can someone please reach out to me. My email is frimpsy@gmail.com. Please .

      • Mine happened a few day after yours. On the 16th there was a heartbeat and on the 21st there was no heartbeat anymore :(
        You can find my story down on the page. Very sorry for what happened.

      • Hi I’m a grandmother of a stillborn baby boy on the 13September2014 so I know haw you feel and I’m so sorry it was our first grandson and my dauters and husbands firt born baby came at 32 weeks and we found out our baby was dawn syndrom as well and its still so eina ouma Debbie

  44. My mother just had a miscarriage today and I really wanted a new sibling. I am still crying over the loss of the baby. My mom is going to the doctors next week to see if the baby is still alive, however it is very unlikely. :(. I don’t know what to do…all I can do is cry

  45. We went to our 12 w sonogram appointment a couple of days ago and found out that the baby hadn’t made it. He only looked for about less than a minute and turned the machine off.There were only a few remaining cells left- a blighted ovum. I have a choice now to wait it out or do a d & c. I know it is a long shot, but I keep praying for some sort of a miracle. I also realize that my baby is now long gone to heaven and I must somehow move on. I am in tears constantly…I am trying hard to keep it together for my work, my other children and my husband who is back to work and although sad, said this baby would have always remained a “concept” until we had the ultrasound photos. He is not grieving to the extent I am grieving and although supportive, I know he is frustrated with how much I am sobbing and even how much I may be hanging onto a dream that somehow it will work out. I feel like my heart has been torn out and I feel so empty inside. We told very few people I was pregnant so now I have no one to tell or confide in. Work had no idea and I must continue on like I was never pregnant- except I still have a uterus the size of 13+ weeks- I’m huge and my uterus keeps growing and I still have all the pregnancy hormones. I have all my maternity clothes washed and hanging all ready in the closet- I was about to begin wearing them as all my clothes I feel completely duped and tricked. I have no real symptoms of miscarriage but just a diagnosis. I am starting to come to terms with needing a d & c but the thought of that too brings me to tears but I am also scared to deliver naturally as I know it will be full labor pains. And, to make matters worse, I’m 42. The chance of it happening again (old eggs) is probably quite high. This might have been my last chance at a pregnancy. The few people I have told have tried to be well meaning but lines like “everything happens for a reason” or “maybe something was wrong with the baby” (which yes, that is probably correct!) are NOT helpful. Please don’t tell me at least I have other kids or that it is my age or that it’s common. I am bracing myself for all types of reactions if I tell anyone! I really truly believe that only the women who have gone through this and suffered such a great loss can empathize. No one else can possibly know how empty I feel, how my soul feels ripped out and how my heart actually feels physical pain- my whole body feels the loss- and that my emotions with all the hormones still are a complete wreck. I feel so alone not having the baby with me and yes, the baby I know is in heaven, complete, loved and without pain. But it is so hard for the one who is left behind to grieve and I have no idea how this gets easier- I don’t think anyone moves on, I think they just learn new ways to cope and process their grief. The baby’s birth date is still circled on the calendar….and I can’t begin to think how it’s going to be when that day comes.

    • Dear Mel,
      I sympathise with so many of the stories on here, but yours really struck a chord with me, so I wanted to reply to you personally.
      I had a mussed miscarriage in September this year, at 12 weeks. I already knew something was wrong at 9 weeks, when I had a tiny bit of spotting and the scan showed the baby was way too small for its age. I recall the (awful) doctor who ignored me the whole time she scanned me, whispering under her breath with her colleague. It was only 5 minutes, but it was the longest 5 minutes of my life and I felt completely removed from my body, as if I were on the ceiling looking down in myself. Eventually, when she’d repeated “I can see the yolk sac” about 10 times (at which point I wanted to hit her), she told me she couldn’t see any heartbeat. Those dreaded words….I changed Early Preg Unit after that, to a really amazing unit near my house, where my husband and I were treated with real care and respect. There, at 10 weeks, we were told to wait and see what my body would do next. I felt like my body had so let me down though – I’ve had 4 other early m/c in 2014 and in all of them, my body managed to detect a problem and I m/c very early – a slightly late period in terms of timing and effect. But this time, it got it all so wrong.
      I couldn’t grasp how my baby had stopped growing, had a faint heartbeat that had also stopped at some point, but my body was acting as if all was well and good. I also had a huge belly, I looked pregnant and felt pregnant, I had all the symptoms. I hardly bled at all. Like you, I, we had started to dare to hope it would be a good one. We had particularly started to imagine what it would be like to tell our 6 year old daughter the great news. We hadn’t told anyone, as after so many early m/c I didn’t want to jinx it.
      Finally, my lovely new sonographer confirmed at 12 weeks that nothing would change. No miracle would happen. There could be no mistake with my dates. Our tiny baby hung in there, completely lifeless, like a miniscule astronaut, attached to his or her gestational sac, which by now looked like a shrivelled up balloon. My husband and I clung to each tiger and felt the sort if pain and sadness that is hard to describe.
      I couldn’t wait for nature to take its course: I had to carry on my life, look after my daughter…it was the summer holidays here in London, UK, and I was looking after her. I was petrified to go too far from homé, in case I suddenly started bleeding in front of her. I was in a weird sort if limbo.
      After some thought, I decided to have a D&C the day after, at 12 weeks. It was emotional, but somehow it helped to get a little bit closer to achieving some sort of closure. Physically, it all went very well. I had a fantastic team looking after me and recovered very quickly. Emotionally, once the pregnancy hormones crashed, so did I. It was and still is, very hard.
      A month down the line and it is getting easier to bear. I don’t cry every day now and I’m starting to think to the future.
      Today our tiny Pip, as we’d come to call our baby, was cremated.
      Next week, on October 15th, baby loss awareness day, my husband and I are going to scatter Pip’s ashes at the children’s cemetary in Islington. I’m dreading it, but also looking forward to feeling more peaceful afterwards, I hope….I really hope…..
      You are so right when you say that well-meaning family and friends don’t know how to help….comments such as “at least you have another child” or “your body knows best” are patronising, insensitive and infuriating.
      Plus, like you, I am now older (43) and my eggs aren’t getting any younger either.
      I hope no one judges older women like us for wanting to keep trying. Sometimes I think I’m too old and should give up, but it’s hard to accept that I’ll have to do that, at some point. I always think “maybe I’ll try one more time” or “I’ll stop trying next year”, but I know I can’t keep going like this either. Will you?
      I’m wondering, since your post is old now, whether you had a D&C in the end or not. How did it go in the end? I hope you are ok and doing better than you were.
      I’m not going to pretend it easy nor am I going to make glib remarks about feelings, but I do know this – we are stronger than we think.
      We have to be.
      Our bodies sometimes let us down, but they are also amazing.
      I try to gain comfort from my beautiful daughter every day and remind myself that I am so so so lucky to already be a mum. So many of my friends have never even had that chance.
      I will always be Pip’s mum too, no matter whether I ever give my daughter a sibling or not, no body will take at away. You will always be your unborn baby’s mum too. It has helped me to acknowledge that and Pip too, not to brush it away. I need to have a place where I can connect with Pip too and one day maybe take my daughter, to explain to her too…
      I wish you all the best xxx

  46. I am grateful l to have found your post, Kate. I have had 3 miscarriages in the last year, 8/2013, 2/2014 and 7/2014. I keep reflecting on the entire scenario and chain of events over the last year. I deal with problems finding self worth, frequently overcome with feelings of inadequacy. Despite knowing that I am not a failure, it does not stop the feelings from occurring.
    These experiences have caused me to reflect back on my life in so many ways. Prior to meeting my husband I never wanted children. All that changed and all I want is to be someone’s Mommy. I sometimes think how much simpler it would be if I just didn’t want to be a Mommy and be happy in a childless marriage.
    Another frustrating component is that I am a Nurse. I am a trauma nurse. I help people and families when they are at their weakest moments. And yet, I can’t even help myself through this grieving process. Sometimes I feel I know too much and just can’t let go enough to fully grieve.
    My husband is supportive and has cried with me and held me in these moments. He tries, but he still doesn’t understand why I “can’t get past it.” To hime because they were early term losses he has the mentality that, “We will just keep trying”. I know he feels helpless and doesn’t know what to say. I try and be sensitive to that. Then there are moments when he just asks me a simple question and I get so angry with him.
    The intense feelings of guilt, anger with myself and feelings of inadequacy can be overwhelming. I try and take it day by day and hope for the best. Starting to see a reproductive endocrinologist in october and keeping fingers crossed.

  47. I had an early pregnancy loss 2 weeks ago too, and it happened naturally, no D&C. It was so hard, I bled for 5 days before I passed my baby, then for a few days afterwards. My husband too is taking it hard. We were both so excited, and it has been so hard for both of us. I am at work and just want to cry and crawl into bed right now. My daughter is almost 2 years old, and it feels hard to try to plan her birthday and know her brother or sister won’t have theirs. It was my second pregnancy too. We weren’t prepared either. Even though my OB has encouraged me that I should still have another healthy pregnancy, I am scared we won’t be able to have another child.

  48. Hollie White says:

    I’m struggling to come to terms with the fact that I’m no longer pregnant anymore. My heart is shattered in a million pieces and the dream I held so close has cruely been ripped from me.

    Two weeks ago, my husband and I booked a private scan – I was 9+4, so excited it being our first pregnancy we were so proud of my little bump. I had the full works morning sickness, back ache, head ache, tiredness, needing a wee all the time, but I didn’t care, I was so over joyed to be pregnant with our first baby it was such a blessing from God. We found out when I was 4 weeks.
    In the scan I lay on the table as the sonographer did an internal scan only to say bluntly, I’m sorry, but your baby has died. You have suffered a missed miscarriage. Both of us were confused and devistated: she then said – you lost your baby three weeks ago and will need medical help to get rid of it. Sat in shock, my husband in tears, we left knowing our baby had died.
    The following day we went to the EPU, they scanned and said its 50/50 dates could be wrong and the baby could grow, come back in a week. So we did. 1 week ago it was confirmed our baby had died and my body was still tricking me with pregnancy symptoms, they were concerned as it was now 5 weeks the baby had been dead for and said I will need to come in for medical management: either d n c or abortion pills. So desperately sad we agreed to take the pills. The following morning last Friday, I took the first pill. Then was back in on Sunday for what was the most horrific experience of my life. I was 11+4 at this point still having morning sickness. Well 38 pills, 1 supositry, 4 pesseries, 3 rounds of morphene, 8 sick bowels, 4 sickness iv’s and 6 hours of full on contractions and labour, I finally delivered our baby. I was emotionally wreck, heartbroken, in pain, unable to control my bodily functions, and left feeling helpless. They wheeled my baby in a crib in to see my husband and I and we said our goodbyes with a blessing. Then they gave us the little blanket they laid it in to keep. I was I hospital over night and came out this Monday. All week I have felt like everyone of these points you have written. Unable to come to terms with the heartache that my baby is no longer with me anymore. The tears catch me out constantly, and I just feel so sad I can no longer be a mummy. How do I deal with all of this? It hurts so much???

    • Dear Hollie,
      I posted back on October 9th, in reply to an older post from Mel, in case you wanted to read my bit.
      I read your post just now and didn’t want to read and run.
      The pain and shock of losing a baby, at any gestational age, whether one already has a child or not, is horrible.
      I am slowly coming to terms with my loss from September 5th (D&C), but it does take time.
      Try to surround yourself with people who love and care about you. Be kind to yourself. Avoid spending time with people who are insensitive for now (one of the points in the article, which helped me a lot). Above all, allow yourselves the time and space to grieve.
      Grieving is a process, not an event that’s done and dusted on any particular day. It takes time. I only know that now, because I’m going through it right now as well.
      I used to cry every day, now I cry a bit less and feel a bit mire hope.
      It really helped my husband and me to organise a little cremation for our baby (done through the hospital itself, here in the UK) and we’re going to a children’s cemetary this week to scatter the ashes. It helps to get a little closer to achieving closure, I suppose. I also want a place to go to when I want to remember our baby.
      It also helped me enormously to post my loss on my Facebook page (though only so my closest friends could read it) because their kindness and overwhelmingly touching response was amazing. So many friends also shared their losses with me. I had no idea how many there were…
      Here in the UK there is a very useful site for parents going through pregnancy loss and stillbirth.they also have a Facebook page. It’s called The Miscarriage Association and has loads of links to other pregnancy loss and baby loss boards, articles and forums.
      On Wednesday 15th October it’s Baby Loss Awareness day – I’m going to be lighting a candle at 7pm for my baby, plus the 5 others I lost beforehand (very early miscarriages).
      Maybe you could light a candle too and think of something you’d like to do, or write, or say, or even plant, to remember your baby by?
      Thinking of you and sending lots of hope, light and happiness.

  49. I had a miscarriage on 15 Sept 2014 and I’m having a very hard time coping. I thought i was getting better but yesterday I found out that I’ve developed an infection which is making me very scared and has brought all of those initial feelings back. My husband has mentioned that the m/c is over and he is able to move on; however, I am not. This is making me feel very alone. My family lives in a different country and although I know they are there for me, it is still very hard.

  50. Thank you so much for this!(my first pregnancy) My babies heartbeat stopped at 9 weeks. Just two days after my fiance and I had seen that healthy heart beating away at the ultrasound. I did not know this until 12 weeks and 1 day when I saw bleeding at work and immediately called the doctor then had the ultrasound. I passed the baby two days later at the hospital. I was in so much pain. I physically watched my baby leave my body in the sac while going to the bathroom for the nurse to do a vaginal ultrasound. Ever since then I feel so much anxiety every time my fiance leaves me to go to work or even the store or the gym. I’m so scared that something teterrible will happen. I thought I was going crazy but I read #6 and I know I’m obviously not alone. Thank you a million times for this.

    • I feel the same anxiety. We recently lost our baby and this by far the hardest. I’ve clinged onto my husband more than ever. Blessings to you and yours

  51. Hi.
    I was diagnosed with missed abortion 3 weeks ago… Had to have a d&c the week after… :( I feel horrible. It was like they made me undergo an abortion without my will. I know the embryo was dead ( i was 8 weeks along when it happened) but it felt like killing it… That i let him/her down… :(
    The worst is, im alone with this, as the father of my baby did not want it, and im feeling i have lost him and then my baby… :(
    So all the comforting words from nurses and doctors “you can try in a few months again” feel like just a knife in my wound… I dont know how you can deal with this alone… Anyone being in the same situation?

    • Edie,

      I sit had a similar situation, my husband wanted a divorce I found out I was pregnant, a few days later had a lot of bleeding, went to the er and it was confirmed,Ed I should have been 6 weeks but there was no heartbeat. He told me he was relieved that I lost the baby. This was in September and I a, still struggling with it. We had a previous miscarriage in November 2008 and he was there for me and cared and this time around I was completely alone to deal with it and to take care of our two children. It hurts when there is no support system.

  52. Thank you for this great information,I was preg with twin boys and I had a miscarriage on the20.09.14,I’m still grieving but I take each day as it comes,my 5 year old daughter keeps me so occupied and I’mso gratefulto have her,I think she kinda keeps me for being stuck in my dark hole nd feeling self pity for myself,my partner is also quite distant lately but I do understand we’re grieving differently,the important part is that we communicate and share our feelings,good or bad,and I must say the whole thing was traumatic and I really am not in a rush to have any babies or even try again,anytime soon,for now I want to focus on myself,getting better and being that happy,bubbly person who loves enjoyinglife and trying new things and being happy,andi know this will sound weird,but ppl somehow expect to see me crying and depressed,and I’m not,I do have my moments of cryingwhen I think abt what happened,but that mostly happens when I’m at home…i know thistoo shall pass,I love my two boys and they will always be close to my heart,I also know that they are now in heaven and they are our little Angels.

  53. Thank you for this.

  54. Sharon Risher says:

    I found out I was pregnant on August 17, after trying a year and a half. I had some issues and had ultrasounds like twice a week for 3 weeks. The second week we saw a heartbeat but was too slow and the doctor told me to expect to miscarry. The following week there was no heartbeat and I haven’t miscarried. The end of that week, the dr confirmed I had lost the baby. Over a week later I had a D&C done….the hardest thing is seeing the heartbeat then the next time it’s gone. It’s been a month since the D&C and I still picture the heartbeat….My sister-in-law is also pregnant but with her fourth child and I have so much resentment and jealousy towards her that I can’t be around her. It hurts to bad to see her happy and all the other pregnant women.
    How can I cope with this? I stay depressed but don’t always show it. It hurts to be happy for my sister in law, even though I want too. I just don’t understand a lot.

    • Wandermoon says:

      Your story resonates deeply with me. (Sorry this post is very long) I am currently having my 6th miscarriage with no living children. My husband and I have been trying to start a family for three years now. Our first baby together I lost at 13 weeks on Mother’s Day. The due date was to be right around Thanksgiving. Our second baby we lost on Christmas. I had two more miscarriages and then I couldn’t get pregnant for two years. We had every test done, every treatment aside from IVF. Everything came back normal. Drs said it’s just ‘bad luck’. During that time my little brother and his wife had the ‘first’ grand baby. He complained that it “took so long” to get his wife pregnant. They tried for 3 whole months and got pregnant with a perfectly healthy baby the first time. This made me so resentful toward him. What was worse is that I found out about my new nephew on Facebook. My only brother didn’t even tell me about it himself. I was instantly detached when I should have been so happy.
      During my 3 years of ‘bad luck’ all of my best girlfriends have gone on to have children. I don’t even talk to them anymore. Either because they joined the mom club and found new friends or because they couldn’t understand why it hurt too much for me to attend their baby showers (which felt like funerals to me) and be around them while they were pregnant so they disappeared.
      After two years of not being able to get pregnant I finally made peace with the fact that I’d only be a mother to dead babies. I found a way to reframe my hopes and dreams to not include a child. I ‘made it through’.
      Then the unthinkable happened. My sis-in-law (and last girl friend) who suffers from PCOS and an array of eating disorders became pregnant after only trying for 6 months. Two days after finding this out I discovered I was finally pregnant again. With TWINS! It was like all of my hopes were magnified my dreams became reality! And I would have not one, but TWO babies weeks after my best friend! It was so serendipitous I began believing in everything again. I could finally be happy during someone else’s pregnancy and not feel loss. My joy came back. I went in every week for ultrasounds and saw two healthy heartbeats each time. I felt as if in a dream! Until my 10 week scan when I found out both babies died two days prior. My body failed me again. I failed my babies. I failed my future family. I feel like a serial killer. How can someone not get pregnant for 2 years and then get twins taken away?! On Halloween no less ( mine and husband’s favorite holiday). Every holiday is now an echo of a lost baby. What evil force would do that to a person who had already lost 4 other babies? Besides being devastated about my twins I don’t believe in anything now. I’ve lost trust in the universe. I’ve feel like I’ve lost my connection to the human race and all the people with children and families. I can’t even talk to my family right now. I feel like such a disappointment. Like a broken item that needs to be tossed in the garbage. People say it’s ridiculous to feel like this but it doesn’t make me feel any less damaged. It actually makes me feel worse. I don’t want to talk to anyone at all. My husband goes to hang out with his pregnant sister and I feel betrayed. I don’t even know why. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to speak to her again because it reminds me of the death of my twins. How can I be married to a person and refuse to see his family because of my own issues? I feel like I need to leave him too before I ruin his life. At the same time, I feel like he is the only one who even remotely understands what I’m going through and I’m terrified I’ll lose him also. I’m so detached right now from everything. I feel dead on the inside and I wake up each day angry that I’m still here.
      I have searched high and low for anyone who can relate and have come up empty until I found your post. Thank you for posting and helping me to feel less alone.

      • melissa thomson says:

        Hi i just read ur post and i know exactly how u feel an evil force takes away the most precious of all to us.my partner and i lost our baby at start of year 36 weks preg placenta abrubtion still birth it was the worst thing in my life so i felt then i became preg again 3months later as we had bein trying and we wer so happy even tho nothing replaces our baby girl then at 23 weeks i had tumy pains one nite after we had had sex i just thort it was from that then the morning came an it was worse i txd my midwife she also said prob just frm havin had sex but no i rang ambulance got to hospital was fuly dilated but wasnt able deliver for hours ther was heart beat at start then chekt again and no so yet again i had hours and hours knowing i had to give birth to my dead baby got induced.if only id gone that nite to hospital they codve stopt the labour surely but stupid me thort nothing of it.i just want another baby this was only bout 2weeks ago.i feel like im in hell how cod this happen twice in one year havin had cremate two babies i feel numb i always hope il go slep an not wake but dosnt hapen we also hav a 3year old daughter.life is shit and so unfair i have this pain inside me that will never go away i feel like i failed my partner and i put him thru hell

      • Hi wandermom,
        I know how u feel too, I lost twins starting in June. Each seperatly. I was finally preg. After 15 yrs. it kills everyday. watching other pg. Is heartbreaking! I understand completly.
        Hugs xoxo

  55. I have posted my story here a week ago, but apparently it did not show.
    I also lost my baby at around 8 weeks.. (end of september) I saw a heartbeat at 7w3d and there was none on 8w1d… :( I felt devastated and shattered. Had a D&C 2 days after… Still dont know how to cope with it.. Always thinking how far along i would be by now… :( Plus there is a colleague at work who started to look pregnant not long before i lost mine… :( I feel like i dont want to see people.. Most of the time im not leaving home, i feel so bad when i have to go to work :( I dont know how to cope with this… The worst is im all alone, the father of my lost baby is not with me (he wasnt during when it happened either…) he didnt want the baby :( I dont know what to do… Clearly “trying in a few months” is not comforting to me as i have to deal with losing the baby’s father too… :( I feel sooo helpless and alone… How do you cope with that?

  56. I’ve just had a D&C today. I found out my baby didn’t grow and did not have a heartbeat this past Wednesday. It was confirmed again on Thursday. Previously, I had a miscarriage April 2013, again no heartbeat. I have a beautiful healthy boy, he’s three. It took me 10 years to have him. I feel numb. I’m trying to get on with it. I’m hiding myself in my work. I had to ask my husband if this was just happening to me, because he seemed so disconnected. I didn’t really cry until they rolled me into the surgery and then I couldn’t breathe. I have no idea how to feel right now. I’m 41, the odds are not in my favour. I do not know if I should try again, or be incredibly grateful for what I have right now. I prayed so hard for my son. I remember bargaining for him, saying I would never ask for anything again. And now I feel like I’ve broken my promise and why should I get another one after receiving my prayed for miracle. The whole time I was pregnant, I was scared. I didn’t believe it could be real and I feel as though my lack of faith was my downfall. I can’t sleep. I’m so afraid of losing everything else.

    • Vanessa,

      I’m so sorry for your loss! I very well understand the anxiety and fear of losing everything, as I endured it myself for many months. I had m/c in September 2015, and another in January 2015. My second m/c ended in the ER with severe blood loss and emergency D&C. I suffered severe anxiety/panic attacks in the aftermath. I was so terrified that I would lose my 3 year old daughter and husband. I mourned the loss of my little angel babies, and felt quite disconnected for months.

      My relief began to come as I talked intensely to close friends and others who experienced similar emotions. I allowed myself to open up to what I was truly feeling and became very aware of everything that affected me. I strongly considered seeking professional help, though in the end I didn’t. I believe that not only is m/c emotional, but there could also be many hormonal issues that contribute to the scattering range of fear and emotions. I finally was ready to give my fear and pain up to my Higher Power, and have been feeling much more at peace in recent months.

      I am currently pregnant again (14 weeks) and again, I am quite scared of the unthinkable. It’s a daily struggle, but there really is hope and peace out there.

      You are not alone in this, and you can overcome the deep pain and sorrow that you feel. It takes time, but you will feel better. Just don’t be afraid of your feelings. This is not your fault; it is not some punishment for lack of faith or for being undeserving. It has nothing to do with anything you could or couldn’t do. It just plainly sucks. And sometimes, that’s just how life goes. You are still an amazing woman who deserves happiness. I truly wish you the best. **hugs**

  57. charlotte says:

    I had three miscarriages with a partner who I’ve recently broken up with. On the first his mum messaged his friends on a social networking site telling them about my miscarriage and complaining to them he wasn’t as available for her.
    I grieved deeply whilst my partner went back to work after a day and I felt completely abandoned. I’ve been banned from talking about the babies since. It’s only now, three years on and a further two miscarriages later that I’m out of the relationship and have realised the postnatal depression bubble that I was in.
    It’s truly life changing to realise that actually, it’s not you and that you can suffer postnatal depression at any stage.

  58. Hi 2 months ago I had lost my baby at 10 weeks. I have 4 little ones. It was my 5th. I heard the heart beat at 6 weeks next thing I know it was over. I am struggling to get to move past it. 2 weeks after my miscarriage my husband went for a vasectomy with out telling me and it feels like a double blow. It is so hard but I’m struggling to forgive him. We agreed to wait but he went behind my back.

    • I got the news that I miscarried two days ago at 8 weeks. The loss is very hard to deal with since it was my first and we have been wanting to start a family for 4 1/2 years. We were finally able to conceive using IVF however the baby just stopped growing. Now I just don’t want to run into any pregnant women as I feel so jealous. I think “Why them and not me?”. I have basically watched all of my friends have kids and yet I am unable to have them. I guess I can try IVF again however it is so expensive, painful and emotionally draining. I just want to have children. Even one child would be a blessing. I feel all of your pain in reading your comments. To want something so bad is hard to deal with at times. I wish it was easy for us to get pregnant. I feel like it would help to cope however the process to conceive is very difficult and we haven’t been able to do it at all by ourselves.

    • I am so sorry to hear that, kathleen. Please know that you are not alone. And, his grief could have been overwhelming.

  59. I lost my baby around 16 weeks or so we are unsure. I went to the hospital for back pain and they did and ultrasound and the baby was dead. We were so shocked I was 16 weeks pregnant with my first child. We were so excited and prior to this around 6 weeks we thought we were lossing the baby due to a tubular pregnancy but it was just a cyist and we were so thankful and I reached my 2nd trimester and we thought we were in the clear but unfortunately we lost the baby. I had to have a d and c to remove the baby the day of the d and c was when I was supposed to be 18 weeks and next Tuesday is when I was supposed to find out the sex of our baby. I feel so empty and so lost. We found out we were having a little girl and she had triploidy which means she had 69 chromosomes not 46. I know this could have end up worse as in having to go full term and then lossing the baby but this just seems impossible to get over my cousin and over five of my friends are pregnant and I see them and I am so jealous. I am happy for them but at the same time I am thinking that could be me or that’s what I would look like right now. I will never beable to hold my first child or kiss her or tell her good night but next time I get pregnant I pray that it is healthy and I will adore that child and appreciate it even more. But as far as being a mom I don’t feel like one and I want to feel like one because I did have a baby girl but she just passed away . I just feel so confused

  60. Thanks for the article. Its helped me realize I am not alone, especially reading the comments and the heartbreaking stories of other mums. I lost my baby a month ago, she was 28 weeks old and I had known she had hydrops foetalis since she was 20 weeks old. I was told to expect the worst but I kept praying for a miracle. I developed severe pre eclampsia and although I tried to hold on, to give her a chance to live, I finally had to go to the hospital. One look at my blood pressure and an emergency C section was performed. I never even got to see or touch my baby, she only lived for half an hour. I was comatose in the ICU and she was buried by my husband. There are even no pictures.
    I am fortunate to have a 3 year old daughter but I feel sorry for her, not to have a sibling or playmate. I always wanted a sibling and I never wanted the same loneliness for my daughter. It was very hard for me to conceive in the first place. I’m 35 now and the doctors have told me to wait at least a year or two before trying again. I’m told it can happen again. I don’t know what to do. I’m so depressed and I feel I have no closure. I am terrified this will happen again.

  61. This is exactly what I needed to read. Thank you.

  62. I just had a D and C done this morning. I lost my baby at 9w3d. I had four ultrasounds to confirm, and another one the day of the procedure just incase. I am at such a hard place right now because I literally feel as if I failed my baby, and having the procedure only makes it worse, as if they were taking it from me. This is my second pregnancy, I do have a healthy two year old. My husband doesn’t understand any of this. In his eyes it wasn’t a baby yet, it was too small. He gets frustrated when I ask him to be patient with me when I am crying all the time and I dont want to go be with people. He didnt feel what I felt, he didn’t go through it. We had no warning signs of miscarriage, we went to our first appointment and there was no heart beat on the monitor. It was so unexpected. Now I feel as if it is wrong of my to try and move on because I feel like I should go through this pain or I am not honoring my babys memory. I dont know of any support groups in my area, and I am just at such a loss.

    • I’m so sorry, Amanda. I just found this resource recently and thought it might help you. http://www.pregnancyafterlosssupport.com Know that you aren’t alone and there is nothing wrong about grieving your loss.

    • I went through this twice when I was younger. Somehow I was able to get over it and put it behind. Last wk it happened again and I just can’t deal with it. I truly want a child and am feeling less and less positive that we will ever have 1. My husband and I have a great relationship but I almost feel like I am going to let this destroy us. I keep telling him he doesn’t understand. And he doesn’t. He is trying but he doesn’t and never fully will understand how I feel. Sometimes I think I need to let him go and find someone who will give him a child like we both want. It’s just so difficult.

  63. I miscarried April 27, 2014 at 7 weeks.. I didn’t want to be pregnant.. I waving a bad relationship, my health was deteriorating. I was 20 years old. No job… And I prayed for it to go away.. I put my hands over my ears when I heard the heartbeat. I miscarried that night.. And when I went to the doctor appointment the next day, I was disgusted with myself. I would have been nearly due. My due date was December 16.. I cry every single day. I can’t stand myself sometimes. Most of my friends think I should be “over it” by now. I don’t know how to move on from that sweet child I wished away…

    • Lindsey, I’m so sorry. You don’t need to be “over it”, everyone needs time to heal. It’s so important to let ourselves heal. Have you thought about talking with a counselor? Talking this out and processing it with someone can help so much. You’re not alone, we care about you.

    • Lindsey,

      I lost twins after I was pregnant in April too. I’m still not over it either! There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about my loss. Of course everyone thinks I should be over it. The pain is so deep I will never be the same.
      I know how u feel!
      Hugs xoxo

  64. How does a person cope and move on. Miscarriage two years ago. And recently bout two months ago i fell pregnant again. We were overjoyed and decided to keep it a secret until i was 3 months. Went for our first scan on the 13\11\2014 when we saw the fetus but their was no movement our heartbeat. Our world came to a standstill. Gyne gave us the option to misscarriage naturally. Or be admitted to hospital. I opted to go to the hospital as we have a 9 year old daughter who was not aware that i was pregnant and that i didnt want her to see me going through this pain. So i was admitted to hospital. Given tablets to let the fetus passed that didnt work and was sent for D&C. I feel empty inside. Gyne told us afterwards that it was twins. My husband has bern supportive as well as family and friends. How fo i cope with this grieve. Should i tell my daughter that the baby brother she hoped and prayer for was there but it with God in heaven. Do i give myself the hope of falling pregnant again knowing that this can happen again. Wanting the hurt to stop. Wanting to hold my babies in my arms but i know that it is impossible. Why does these things have to happen to people who loves children so much and can give them the love that the deserve. It everything hopeless or is their a light at the end of the tunnel

    • Danielle, I’m so very sorry. Truly. You need to grieve this loss in whatever ways you feel appropriate. I don’t know why these things happen, but know you are strong and you will find a way to keep going. Give yourself grace and time to heal.

  65. This article is such an encouragement right now.. It’s 4:30am I’ve been up since 3am balling my eyes out. I have 2 young boys and was 12 weeks pregnant with baby number 3.. So when I woke up 2 days ago with every symptom of a miscarriage, it’s been an absolute roller coaster ride of emotions ever since. Spent all day in the doctors office doing tests and sonos, it’s been confirmed that I lost the baby. The devastation I’m feeling and just the absolute emptiness is awful. Reading this post has given me hope and reminded me I’m not alone through this and it’s ok to grieve! That was my baby that I’ll never be able to hold… Some people won’t understand how terrible the feeling of loss is considering I wasn’t that far along but mothers bond with that baby the minute they know there’s a little life inside. My prayers are with all the other moms going through this

    • Within two days I saw a relative’s new baby and I had a d and c. I have always thought i was a strong person (emotionally). But I do not want to hear anymore “everything happens for a reason or its gods will.” I know people think they have to say something, but they don’t. Because nothing helps. I also do not want to hear, don’t worry, try next month. Do they realize that I cannot even sleep or want to eat, as I write this when I should be sleeping. Everywhere I look, I see pregnant people, or I see a Huggies commercial on t.v. I feel guilty that I can even lay on my stomach now, since my baby is no longer there. The doctor told me that our case was rare. I get the results back in about 1 month. This does not help either though. Also, now I want to get pregnant again, but now I think about “can we keep it.” I was exactly 12 weeks, which everybody told me was the magical number, mommy and baby would be ok. Well, baby is not here, and mommy is a wreck! I guess it helps to talk about it, but then it does not. How am I supposed to move on, when all I do is cry? I see people so unhealthy and they have child after child. I don’t smoke, don’t drink alcohol or caffeine, and do not have the best diet in the world, But I am healthy. So, why can’t I do the most natural thing in the world? That’s another thing, a relative told me to eat healthier and exercise, but the dr. said it was not my fault. As I am writing this, I notice a lot of I’s. I should say we, but my husband really does not say anything. I’m sure he’s feeling something, but I honestly do not even want to look at him. I guess I am looking for someone to blame, even though the doctor told me that it was not my fault. Most of my friends have had one miscarriage, and they say the same thing. Hang in there, You’ll be ok. It is very common, even though statistics usually say 10- 15%. I’ve lost relatives and friends, but this loss is truly unbearable. My daughter used to kiss my stomach and now she doesn’t do it. Even she knows and she is so young. Everybody also says be thankful for her, and hang on to her. Thank God for her, but I just want my baby back. I do not even know how to grieve, there is no funeral!

      • I’m so, so sorry, Sarah. You are allowed to grieve and feel all of your feelings. Give yourself time and grace as you go through this. I know it might be hard to talk about, but talking helps…a lot. Perhaps finding a counselor that won’t “give you advice” would be helpful. A safe place to talk can be so healing.

  66. My wife went for her 12 week ultrasound on Monday, only to find out the baby had no heartbeat. She had a miscarriage that same night. Our doctor said it may have been from the grief/shock. This pregnancy meant the world to her. I have never seen her so excited in the 10 years we have been together. Now her world has been torn from her. We feel guilt for throwing the miscarriage in the garbage. We essentially threw our unborn child in the garbage instead of giving it the decency and respect it deserved. How can you take that back? At the time we were so upset and worried that we probably weren’t thinking straight but still….I should have been the calm one. I should have thought about what we were doing. I don’t blame her at all. If I were in that position I don’t know what I would be thinking.

    I took Monday and Tuesday off of work and worked from home today. We’ve held each other, cried together, watched movies together. I’ve assured her absolutely none of this was her fault but she still thinks there is something she did wrong. I wish I could make her pain go away, she doesn’t deserve to feel this way.

    • Mike, I’m so sorry for your loss. Your wife is so lucky to have you and you her. Keep being there for each other. You will get through this, but give yourselves all the time you need to grieve.

    • Hey Mike – I delivered our son December 5, in the registration bathroom of the hospital where my OBGYN sent us to schedule a dnc even though I expressed that I was having contractions every 5 minutes while at her office learning our baby was dead at 16 weeks. I’m so very angry with that woman for the way we were treated. Both my husband’s family and mine were all told about the pregnancy because we had made it past that 12 week mark and had received the chromosome results indicating that there were no malformations and that we could expect our son May 17.The doctor said the baby only measured 12 weeks when I delivered, apparently dying right after my 12 week sonogram measuring the baby at 12 weeks and 5 days. That makes no sense to me. None. The only thing that makes sense for me right now is that my husband has also been wonderful. He’s on his way home from work right now, coming home early because he could sense that I was having a bad day. I’m grateful to have him in my life. You sound a lot like him.

    • I’m so sorry for your loss. But I have to commend you for being so supportive to your wife. That is amazing, that’s what relationships are all about

  67. i really need someone to talk to, im going through a though time. i just barely lost my baby on Friday the 12 and the babies fathers acting like he doesnt care. hes out with his friends. drinking having fun. while I on the other hand am tearing my self up. i wish there was something i could have done. Since our baby died he has seen me twice. and that was for about a minute each time. I asked him to come over last night, because i was crying and very upset but instead he hung out with his friends. I am not in a very bright place. and i would just like my baby back. i really just need someone to talk to.

    • I’m so very sorry for what your going through. .I currently found out my baby’s heart and brain aren’t developing correctly that if I go full term he will die in my arms ..I have to make the worst decision in my life..no woman should have to go through any of this alone ..I’m here for you to talk to and I understand your grief I lost my first pregnancy in June of this year ..

      • Miroslava Mihalkova says:

        Hello, I am really sorry to hear about what you are going through..I had to made the decision earlier on this year..and then experienced a miscarriage three months later…

        • Nobody should ever have to make the decision ..I’m glad I have support on here and at home ..I’m heartbroken ..makes you feel a little better knowing others have gone through it and survived ..

    • Tay I lost my baby on December 12th also. I’m sorry you are going through this too. I was 17 weeks. I cannot stop crying and hurting. My heart literally feels broken.

  68. in mourning says:

    I’ve found some comfort here in these posts. I suffered a recent miscarriage at 8.5 weeks, 4 days after our 8 week scan where we saw the heartbeat. That heartbeat, it was so comforting at the time. I had allowed myself to hope, to plan how we would tell our 5 year old. I had even ordered maternity clothes online just the day before. The doctor has me wait 10 days to see if I would miscarry naturally, but then had a d&C. I’ve had 1 before. This was my 3rd miscarriage and I’ve also have had 2 ectopics, so 1 live birth out of 6 pregnancies over 6 years. But this one was the furthest along. Post d&C, my uterus shrank, and my breasts started to leak milk,but there was no baby to hold. It’s been over 2 months, and while I don’t cry everyday anymore, the tears and the pain are just beneath the surface. When I am not busy with work, or not with my husband or son, they surface. I also turned 43 last month, and this last miscarriage was after 2 rounds of IVF. I wanted to give it my all before calling it quits on completing my family. I feel like I’ve given so much, with nothing in return – only to have this baby snatched away.. I get angry at my husband at life, at people. I bawl when i hear friends who are pregnant, especially the few friends in similar struggles with secondary infertiliy, get pregnant. I distance myself from them. I know this is not sustainable, but I feel sorry for myself and think of my sadness more than of their happiness. While at an intellectual level, I know I am not alone, it still feels like no one else can understand my grief and pain, and even if they did, they cannot take it away for me. So, I have been isolating myself. Also, I have given up trying, given my age. It doesn’t seem practical to try anymore, and that in itself is yet another loss to deal with. My son is more than some comfort, and love him dearly, but at the same time, I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same again. My husband has been wonderful, but he too cannot take away my grief.

  69. I had a mc @ 19 weeks. I got to hold her and kiss her which meant so much to me. I want to talk to someone but Im embarrassed by my unpredictable emotions and i dont want pity. I dont even know where to start

    • Kassidy – I’m so sorry. In some cities there are support groups for those who have experienced pregnancy loss. Therapy is also a good option. Being able to share your feelings with a nonjudgmental professional can be incredibly healing.

  70. I just suffered a miscarriage at 4 weeks on New Year’s Day. I haven’t told anyone because no one knew I was pregnant. I am 18 years old and a single senior in high school. I feel like I shouldn’t be feeling so distraught because of how early it was, but I’m grieving for the baby no one else knew existed.

  71. I turned 45 on June 21, 2014 and miscarried on July 6. I have been just devastatd by grief. And I feel so betrayed and wronged by my family. Just 2.5 weeks after my loss, my mom callously informed me that 43.5 y/o SIL was very newly pregnant on accident, and my 41 y/o sister was pregnant, too. They are due 2 and 4 weeks after I was due to have my baby. I cannot express the intensity if my feelings about all of this. It’s a complicated story, too. I have 3 older children and always wanted another one. However, I was training to be a midwife for the past 5 years and this was even more important. This SIL and sister knew I had just miscarried, as did my mom. My mom and SIL have criticized my expressions of grief and the length of my grieving. My mom has no skills to offer any comfort or compassion. I am sick over it. I have removed myself from family functions because I feel so unsafe with too many family members. My SIL is a favorite of my mom and she has seemed to be neutral about my miscarriage while expressing concern about how my SIL will manage 6 kids. I honestly have homicidal thoughts toward her (I do not own a weapon and am not planning to act). I am seeing a counselor. It doesn’t seem to be helping much. I just saw my pregnant sister at the grocery store and had to promptly leave. She has treated me so badly and absolutely doesn’t want to know or hear about my feelings. And she has had 2 miscarriages herself! I was her midwife for her other two kids but I now feel as if she is a mortal enemy. It’s all a huge mess and I truly feel as if I lost my family as well as this baby I dreamed about for so many years. I am from a family of 13 children, and it seems to be the general culture of my family to ignore emotional need. All of these people I have such strong negative feelings about sent me Christmas cards, which felt truly ridiculous and even disrespectful.

    • Hi Barbara,
      I also have three and I’m 40! Your post sounds pretty much like how I feel! I had very similiar with my family with my recent twin misscarrige. I totally understand how you feel.

  72. And my husband doesn’t want to try again although he was excited about the baby.I’m scared, too, but he is just not so interested in starting over, in part because he will be 50 in September. I am desperate, though, and while I don’t want to manipulate him, I wish he would take pity on me and agree to try again. I somehow don’t feel angry at him, though. He has been my only support.

    • Barbara,
      This is also how I and my DH felt after my missc.
      A good friend gave me some advice and I want to share it. I totally know how you feel but remember he also lost a baby. Give him some time. Men express emotions differently. im sure when you give him some TLC time and space he will be more open to the subject. I think he will come around soon. In the meantime I know how hard it is just try and nurture yourself so you and your body can heal. You never know.. It’s very rough but the pain will ease up slowly and everything is better when we are relaxed!!

      Hugsss Xox

      • Thanks for your responses, Yides. I would like to communicate with you via email if you are open to that. Is there a way for us to see other’s emails?

  73. After reading some of the posts I have found online I truly believe it is best I talk to a therapist about my lose. It’s been a year and a half since my miscarriage and it’s still eats me up. My boyfriend wanted me to get an abortion, I had thought about it and even went to an app to schedule one. While I was there I couldn’t do it. Three weeks later I found out the baby stopped grwing and that I was going to have to have surgery because my body didn’t realize it was a miscarriage. I still grieve about the loss, I feel as though I made the decision to keep it and in turn it stoped growing. I am so thankful for being able to share my experience with others.

    • Dear Lisa, I am finding it hard to move past the grief, too. Seeing a therapist may help. These losses of our babies just don’t make sense and are very hard to accept. It sounds like you may not feel like you could try to get pregnant again because of your partner? My husband and I are older and he is not interested in trying again. So I am grieving the loss of the opportunity to have another baby. Getting pregnant again seems to help sometimes, and when that avenue isn’t open it seems that the grief can last longer. Not that a new baby would replace the ones we lost.

      I know that we can blame ourselves, too, even though the miscarriage was out of our control. I have to consciously say kind things to myself and pray for myself to counter all of the negative thoughts and feelings.

      I wish you the best,

  74. I just experienced a miscarriage yesterday at 14 weeks, and it’s not as easy as I thought it would be..I’m 31yo and this was my first pregnancy ..I’m trying to heal mentally and physically. .I miscarried at home ..I’d been to the emergency 4times this week getting a pelvic exam 3out of the four times …I experienced pain as if I were having contractions and spotting which was the cause of two of the visits each time the baby was okay. .the bleeding preceded. and was heavier as time went by. .I pass the sac first I’m guessing and after the second trip to the restroom and when I cleaned myself I felt my baby coming out …I know this may be tmi for some I’m just speaking on the mental aspect of the situation every time I go to the restroom it bothers me …I’m getting better with prayer and family friends and I’m very thankful to have them in my life at this difficult time. ..I was really upset because after I miscarried it was a must to get checked out and I knew that … my mother and I had a disagreement about me not wanting to take the baby with me because I wanted to bury my baby or cremate the baby and bury in a flower ,I knew my rights but she didn’t agree with me wanting to keep it ..I called the hospital so they could tell her that it wasn’t illegal for me to do that and they confirmed they couldn’t do anything without my consent. .Well when I arrived at the hospital for my pelvic exam I clearly stated to the nurse when she came to take the baby that I wanted my baby back for burial and she said okay well lets just say they were sure not to bring my baby back and I think it is really unfair. ..They only want it to cut it up and throw it out as clinical waste. .they couldn’t tell me the cause I just don’t understand why they are so anxious to get and keep the babies…

    • Mekesha, I’m so sorry for your loss. This is such a difficult thing to go through. I’m also sorry the hospital didn’t obey your wishes to keep your baby. I’m sure this is making the whole healing process much harder for you. As you can see from all the comments here, you are not alone in your feelings and grieving this loss is completely normal. I truly hope you find peace as you work through your grief.

  75. Noah's mom says:

    4 days before Christmas we lost our son ..he was 20 weeks and 5 days ..today my husband is picking up his remains from the mortuary. .I’m devestated that I couldnt do anything to save my son..moms are suppose to fix what’s wrong and I couldn’t ..still trying to work through my grief while returning to work. Where I’m finding some judgmental people ..

    • I’m so sorry, Noah’s mom. Such a loss you’ve endured. I know you feel like moms are supposed to fix everything, but that’s really not true or realistic of what motherhood actually is. It may be what society tells us, but moms know we can’t possibly control every outcome. Be kind to yourself — this is not your fault. Not even close. Sending you so much love.

      • I’m trying not to blame myself …it’s hard knowing so many people judge you if they know you lost a baby..this site makes me feel I’m not the only one who’s gone through this..thank you for your support…. lots of love Noah’s mom

  76. I just had a miscarriage and i did not know i was pregnant. I was really upset and angry because i didn’t know if it was my fault or why me? I still don’t know the reason of my miscarriage but i am trying to get fit and be better prepared for my next baby. However, I have some days when i think of my lost baby and i just want to cry, fortunately i have a great husband and good friends who are there to help me. Now i just hope to be able to conceived again. Also, thank you for your article, it is good to know that there are people who are in the same situation as me and that we can find support through your words.

  77. I suffered a miscarriage about a week and a half ago. I was 16 weeks. It was the most painful thing to hear that my precious baby did not have a heartbeat anymore. Just 2 weeks before this appointment everything sounded great. I never in a million years imagined this would happen to me since I have had a healthy pregnancy before. I delivered my precious son naturally last Friday. We named him Logan Thomas and were able to hold him and keep him in the room with us for as long as we wanted. There are so many emotions that I go through every hour. I’m sad, angry and confused all at the same time. I believe there is a reason this happened but that does not help my grieving process. I will never forget my sweet Logan.

    • I’m so sorry, Kristen. Sending you so much love.

    • Hi Kristen. I just went through a miscarriage at 16 weeks as well. I had the same experience- our last ultrasound looked great. It’s so hard to understand how things can change so quickly. You are lucky that you got to see your baby. I had to have a D & E and didn’t get to meet my little girl. They were able to stamp her feet and hands onto a piece of paper for me. This is the most heartbreaking experience to go through. It’s scary to think about getting pregnant again. I feel like I will be anxious the whole time. My heart goes out to you. I pray God will bring you some peace.

  78. My friend just lost her baby at 8 weeks and it’s been just 14 days now, and I have never in my life heard such agony, I know I can never know her pain I am male, but the pain in my chest for her is more than I’ve ever felt.
    I have found sites info all the stages, but I am so worried sick as she says she doesnt care to even live anymore that is scary.
    I text kind words found an incredibly perfect pendant I am Loved at mother & child @Helzberg but she seems to only spiral downwards even deeper.
    Can you ladies PLEASE guide me in some direction PLEASE, I fear the worst, as I sent a text while writing here “I Love You!” her reply
    Thanks ! I certainly don’t. She means the WORLD to me and in different states I try, but it seems futile but I told hsr I WON’T GIVE UP.
    if there were just 1 thing I could do or say RIGHT NOW what would it be ladies ??

  79. I’m wondering if what I’m going through is normal.. I have a perfect 2 year old daughter. Last December 17th 2013, I miscarried and had a D&C after finding out at our 11 week ultrasound that our baby passed at just 6 weeks. I never bled at all, was walking around with this passed baby for 5 weeks And didn’t know..
    6 months later I was pregnant again.. hopeful But afraid to get excited.. 8 week ultrasound showed healthy baby.
    Then I woke up one night, at 13 weeks along in a puddle of blood. Went to ER to find out there were 2 inch clots on both sides of the placenta. Dr said its unpredictable what will happen now and put me on bed rest And pelvic rest..
    I was devestated. It wasn’t until my 20 week ultrasound that we were informed that the clots had completely disappeared and we had another healthy baby girl growing !
    I am currently 37 weeks now .. But for some reason I STILL do not accept this pregnancy. I am extremely worried about her health at all times. I am in complete denial. She does have a name because I knew I Will have to give her one soon anyway.. But I refuse to call her by name or even let my husband call her my name.. or tell anyone her name.. it just doesn’t feel right. I love her to death but by no means am I excited.. just scared and feel that there is no way I am bringing a baby home soon..
    Until that 20 week ultrasound, I convinced myself I would not have this baby either.. so mentally, I’ve only “felt” pregnant for 17 weeks.. not 37. So I do not feel ready or even accept the feeling that I’m pregnant yet.
    I also have become much more worried about something happening to my daughter or husband (He’s a police officer so there is good reason for that though) I feel very insecure about everything.
    Why hasn’t this feeling gone away ? Is this normal ?
    I feel such guilt. This baby deserves the same excited mother as my daughter had.. I want to be excited for her. I pray she is healthy constantly ! :( :( :(

  80. nicole wysocki says:

    I had a bad tubal pregnancy in begining of September 2014 and lost both tubes im devastated i just have one ovary and a uterus.wanted to knw is there any hope of getting pregnant

  81. i found out i lost my baby on the 2nd of jan 2015 at a scan as i felt something was wrong :( we went for the wait option but baby didnt want to go so had an erpc on the 20th Jan yesterday , i feel so empty and lost :( i was 9 weeks 6 days and all i want is my baby back . i have 3 other children 9 , 4 and 2 . its so hard i feel my husband doesn’t understand, he wants me up and about doing housework and back to normal when im still in pain as if nothing happened. he to is grieving i think this is his way of dealing with it . I just want my bed Im devastated :(

    • Sammie – I’m so sorry. Let yourself grieve this in whatever way you need to. Rest, cry, talk to people about it…whatever helps. You’ve endured an incredible loss, but you will heal and be happy again.

  82. Im 28 and I just had a miscarriage for a 1st child from my first sexual intercourse, I just never thought God could make me go through this, im nt a saint all I just wanted was to do what honours him by waiting and not engaging in sex with multiple partners I just wanted to get married 1st or find someone I really love n connect with though is not every one who believes in no sex before marriage but we agreed to wait til marriage but things don’t always go the way you want or plan in life. It happened it felt right not even a single day have I felt guilty I Didn’t even wanted to justify it or anything I was happy and inlove n a month later I missed my periods I didn’t think it would happen the way I always prayed it would that when I get married I want to catch on my first time though we not married yet but we were so happy n never been so inlove, 3 months later which was last monday I miscarried n found out itbwas a girl n we both wanted baby girl. Never in my life have I had such an excruciating pain I better now but every night I go to sleep I still feel pregnant when bath the breast milk comes out its pure torture I wish I can just be pregnant again tomorrow but I have roto wait n heal for least 3 months. This hurts more than anything I could ever imagine but through it it all I still say I Love you LORD.

    • Noah's mom says:

      I’m so sorry for your loss..give yourself time to grieve ..nobody can tell you how long to grieve it’s up to you..I lost my son who was 5 months in Dec and it still hurts.. much love and hugs to you

    • Sharon Risher says:

      I am so sorry for ur loss. I got pregnant end of July last year after trying a year and a half and had a miscarriage and D&C in September. I was 8 weeks but my baby only measured almost 6 weeks. I saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound but it was slow. Dr told me to expect to miscarry. I was so scared and afraid to be alone. It’s been almost 5 months and it still hurts so bad. I miss my baby so much . My due date would have been around April 22 and my sis-in- law is due with her 4th child on April 26. It’s hurts so bad to be around her. I am like you, I want to get pregnant now but it’s in gods time.

  83. Ive just recently experienced a miscarriage , even though myself and my partner are so lucky to have a beautiful clever funny lil 13month old but this has been such hard experience for us we never thought go throuh this as always hearing off stories ‘ you never think you ” im numb at the min think ive cried as much as i possibly can as i dont know grieving process will the pain stop eventually x

  84. I gave birth at 29 weeks on the 11th of Dec 2014 via c-section cause the docs noticed my babies heart beat was too slow. they said she wouldn’t survive but the moment she came out she was screaming any crying like a normal baby and we discovered she has congenital heart block and would need a pace maker but weighed too little to do the operation. she survived three weeks in neo-natal ICU and passed away on the 5th Jan 2015. i haven’t been back at work yet and i just cant face the world. i feel hopeless and depressed. i know they say it gets easier with time but not for me. she was my first baby and her actual due date was suppose to be 25th Feb 2015. i still have all her clothes and nappies that we bought her. we even moved to a bigger house early december last year for our greatest expectation.i have a history of depression but for the first time i will be starting meds soon i hope they keep me alive.

  85. Thank you for this post! I was sixteen when I miscarried,i’m now nineteen.I hadn’t even realised I was pregnant.I know some people might find this strange in me saying this but I kind of got the sense.I was really depressed but I thought nothing of it ,depression runs in my family. My parents even considered getting my cousin Conor Cusack in to talk to me,he is a spokes person for people with depression as some people may know. It’s was after I realized the reason I was depressed is because I was pregnant it was the change in hormones and part the reason I could never sleep at night or eat properly. When I realized I was pregnant I was absolutely devestated! I blamed myself! “What if I had just done this instead of that etc..” The nurse was able to tell me I was two and a half months gone estimately. I didn’t talk to anyone about how I was truely feeling as only my family and my boyfriend at the time knew. My family were devastated and knew i’de fall back into depression which I did and I received counselling for this.Of course Conor was a great help to me through all of this! My boyfriend at the time was so inconsiderate. He didn’t even support me emotionally and didn’t know what to say. Of course I finished it straight away and funnily enough only two months ago he text me all upset ringing me about our miscarriage. When I miscarried I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone I blamed myself,i was angry at god for taking my baby away from me, for not giving me the chance when there’s people out there who don’t deserve or want children,I was mad and upset seeing other mothers, I went through so many stages. My mother, and most might think this horrible, kept the remains of what was left of my miscarriage. But I still can’t find the courage to bury him/her.I feel by burying it I’m letting go and I don’t Want to do that.. It’s been almost three years and words can’t describe how i’m feeling writing this.. But i’ve wrote this because i’ve found talking about it helps me in so many ways. I’ve only told one person out of the family about this and that was four weeks ago. To my Bestfriend. So now she understands where i’m coming from & i’m able to talk openly about it with her.I feel i’m including what would have been my son or daughter in a lot of things I do so I encourage all other Mothers,yes mothers to talk about it! Every woman no matter how long gone who has miscarried,is a mother. I understand completely where everyone’s coming from.when i’m feeling sad i like to write it down. It’s what helps me. I’m not saying you’ll forget about it eventually, the pain never goes away and that emptiness your feeling.i feel ever since that day a part of me died with it. But you learn to live with it that’s all! If you would like to talk feel free to message me

  86. Thank you so much for this post. I found out I was pregnant on the 9th of January… Only to miscarry on the 12th. I felt like I was the happiest girl in the world only for my happiness to be stripped from me a couple of days later. I am not in tears anymore, but it still hurts and there hasn’t a day that has gone by so far that I don’t think about what could have been. Everyone around me tells me this happens more often than you think, and while I know it’s true, it still feels like a stab right in my feelings. It is February 12th today and I feel so sad.

  87. i lost my baby boy on 10th of February this year, i had just turned 5 months into the pregnancy… i am still in pain and keep blaming myself since i was under alot of stress from a broken engagement with my fiance and him distancing himself from me during this time. I feel low most of the time, i cant forget my poor little son who never me… will i ever move past this?

    • Sending you so much love. Losing a pregnancy is a painful, painful thing. Give yourself time to grieve and feel all the emotions you have about this. You will be happy again.

    • Hi Blessing. I know how you feel. I found out on Feb.21st that my 16 week baby had no heartbeat. The baby had died only a day or 2 earlier and I didn’t even know it. How could I not know? They made me wait a week for a consultation about what my choices were. I waited a whole week carrying my dead baby and then found out I would need to have a D&E. Even worse was that they didn’t knock me out for the surgery. I just can’t get over how awful everything was. My husband doesn’t understand why I’m still upset. He thinks I should be over it by now. I don’t know if I will ever be over it. I don’t know if I can ever try for another baby because I don’t know what happened to this one.

  88. As read this I realize I am still coping with the loss of my daughter from last April 2014. I was 18 weeks pregnant when she diagnosed with many chromosomal birth defects in which lead to the hardest decision of my life. As a cervical dancer survivor, I was told I would have a hard time conceiving and when we did we were ecstatic. I’m now 33 yo and thinking I am too old to try again. There are a lot of whys? And regrets for not trying sooner. I wish I could just “move on” but in reality it’s not happening anytime soon. Why can’t I conceive again? I struggle with the thought that we are not worth parenthood especially when I see everyone else is having babies but you. This is my story. Glad to know I’m not aloe.

  89. Baby Rafiki says:

    I miscarried last year n it still feels like yesterday. I blame myself everyday bcaz it was my reckless behaviour tht took d life of my unborn child… I was over a month pregnant bt I didn’t know. I later began taking oral contraceptive. The next thing I knew, I was bleeding….went to the doctor and I was told. I am sorry to say, but u had a miscarriage. I sat there with my mouth open wide. For a moment no words came. Then I finally said ok, n just walked out leaving the doctor there. For some time I denied it, I tried to suppress it but no luck. I may not have known that I had a little angel growing inside but that does not make it any easier. It hurts to know that I once carried a child but never held that child. Every time I see a baby, walk pass a baby store or a pregnant woman I feel as if I have this hallow space in my heart. Since my miscarriage I constantly dream about babies. The worst part is that I have no one to talk to. My friends don’t understand, my fiancé pushed me away during his grief and I can’t tell my family because I fear that they will look down on me for getting pregnant out of marriage. I never got to hear my baby cry or feel him/her kick…all I saw was fragments of flesh and tissue. How do u forget that and how do u heal from that…do u even heal.

    • Baby Rafiki – I’m so sorry for your loss and your pain. Having someone to talk to about something like this is really important. Have you thought about reaching out to a counselor to discuss some of your grief? You may find a huge burden lifted to be able to talk about this freely with someone who won’t judge your situation. Just a thought. You’re definitely not alone. Sending you love and peace, mama.

      • Baby Rafiki says:

        Thank you Becky…. I have thought about going to see a counsellor counselor but I am yet to. I don’t even know why, I keep telling myself that I can do it on my own but I keep ending up right back where I started.

    • Melissa Thompson says:

      I was 27w4d along thinking things were fine. I go in for a normal check up and was devastated to find out her heartbeat was gone. This was Monday the 23rd of February. I was told I had to be induced ASAP so I went in the next say around 2PM… I was still in denial just hoping they were wrong and she’ll come out screaming. But on Thursday the 26th at 10:51AM my world was crushed when I gave birth to a silent baby. They brought her in afterwards so I can see her and I feel so guilty now that I didn’t hold her. I couldn’t at that time I was so scared. My baby girl was motionless and silent. I was in shock for hours I couldn’t cry… I couldn’t feel anything until that night it hit me that I was an empty shell and how could my body fail me like that? How do you go from having plans, making a future to having nothing left in life? I feel like I’m just going through the motions amd I’d rather be with my baby girl than here. I didn’t know I could lose a baby in my 3rd trimester. I thought I was safe. I feel like if I would’ve takin better care of myself and my baby we wouldn’t have gotten to this point. I have nothing left in this world, she was all I was living for. My boyfriend is “grieving” in his own way and it’s killing me slowly to see him singing like nothing happened. Playing with his other kids and laughing. He has them and I have noone. I just want to be with my baby girl. My heart breaks all over again everyday. I hate myself for waking up and my baby doesn’t. I’m dying from the inside out and I don’t know what to do.

      • Melissa – I am so sorry. That is just awful. I’m so glad you’ve written here and shared some of your feelings. You have gone through something incredibly traumatic and it will take you time to heal. Let yourself grieve for as long as it takes. Have you thought about working through your grief with a counselor? I’d hate for you to feel completely alone through this process. I’m thinking of you and sending you so much love.

  90. I miscarried this week – never got to hear a heart beat or feel my baby move – loosing my baby left me feeling empty, sad and angry. I am so sorry to read about everyone else also. Just know you are not alone. All my love to each and everyone of you.

    • I too never got to hear my babys heart beat I lay in bed at night and I still cant touch my belly a few months later it just hurts my heart knowing what was once there. I also read everyones story and knowing that including myself we have all been through this. Much love to all the women on this page♥

  91. Had a miscarriage 2 weeks ago I was 6 weeks 5 days a few days before I had a ultrasound done and was able to see the heart beat and saw my baby..I feel like a piece of my heart had been ripped out and i don’t know what to do event keeps telling me to move on that I can always try again as in writing this treats are prong down my face and my wonderful husband is asleep in bed I don’t know how to tally to him about this because this war the one thing that I have always wanted I know I didn’t do anything to cause it but it feels like in being punished for something. No one that I know wants to talk about it and must days I just want to scream at everyone to understand. I don’t know we’re to go from here or what to do I have decided to get counseling as soon as I can…. just don’t know how to tally to my husband about any of this

    • Hi Trudy – I’m so sorry for your loss. You don’t need to move on like people are telling you to do. Grieving is an important part of the healing process and it’s important you take all the time you need to mourn the loss of your baby. I’m so glad you’re going to speak with a counselor. I hope it provides you with the safe place you need to process all your feelings about this. Could you have your husband join you for a counseling session? Maybe it would be good for both of you. Thinking of you and sending you love.

      • Thank you and I agree with u I have talked to my husband about it and he hasn’t really said a whole lot about it…I’m going to try again but I do have a friend that has let me talk about it and has been very supportive…not that I’m saying my husband hasn’t because he has…just been having a lot of bad days lately and wish for peace of mind for one day…work has helped but not alot

  92. Ann Saintilien-Barlotta says:

    I miscarried on February 26, 2015 at 17 weeks and 4 days. I really miss being pregnant and my baby was a boy. I have good moments and then not so good moments. I sometimes still have thoughts of just dying because the pain is unbearable. I come from a religious family, and if it wasn’t for my family. I would probably be dead. I just wish I was still pregnant.

    • I’m so sorry, Ann. Your loss is very recent. Give yourself time to heal from this. Keep reaching out for love and encouragement — sitting alone with your feelings sometimes make them worse. Finding safe places to talk about your feelings can be so healing. I’m thinking of you.

  93. In the 3rd week of October I found out I was pregnant when I was about 5 weeks along. My boyfriend was really excited about the pregnancy, and told everyone in his family right away. My family doctor didn’t schedule me in for a visit and ultrasound with an ob/gyn until December 30th which felt way too far away. I remember being a little annoyed at my boyfriend for telling everyone. I told him I felt tons of anxiety, and that I wouldn’t feel excited until I could see the ob/gyn. I wanted to see everything was good in there before I got excited. On December 5th I started a little brown spotting. My boyfriend started consulting internet medical advice, and he was trying to tell me brown spotting was nothing according to what he read online. I told him I wouldn’t feel better until I consulted my doctor. The first time I asked the doctor said it was probably so irritated from intercourse(this was no my regular doctor who told me this). The light brown spotting wouldn’t go away. I was worrying so I told my mom about the pregnancy and the spotting. She said it was normal and that she had early term spotting in all of her pregnancies. This made me feel better, but I did know I had to return to see my family doctor in a couple days to get the paperwork for my blood work to take to on/gyn and if this persisted I would be inquiring. It persisted.When I asked my doctor and he advised to me to the hospital right away. So off I went with the paperwork for my ob/gyn in hand. I spent hours there all the while thinking everything would be OK. The ultrasound technician told me she wasn’t supposed to tell me anything, but I bugged her until she told me I was supposed to be 10 weeks and 4 days but she could see a 6 week sized fetus. I knew this wasn’t good news. By boyfriend was working 2hrs away, so I pretty much begged him to rush to me so I didn’t have to take the bad news alone. The results of my blood work would determine everything. The emergency doctor gave me the results that my BHCGs was in the 17k range. He asked me to come back in a week to re-do blood work and ultrasound. That’s when I pulled out the paperwork from my family doctor to show this e.r. doctor my betas were in the 25k range 3weeks earlier. When he saw the numbers he told me the pregnancy was “not viable” in such a cold manor. I was happy my boyfriend made it time so I didn’t have to take the news on my own. I spent the next 2 weeks bouncing between doctor and hospital. They gave me misoprostol, to pass the baby on my own at home. It was a rough holiday season for me.I’m still suffering mentally even though some months have passed. My partner doesn’t understand why it’s still such a sore spot for me. I really wanted that baby. I’m 33 and this would have been my first.We haven’t decided together to try again , and doesn’t seem like I have much of a say in that regard in my relationship.

    • Lana – Thank you for sharing your story. It’s completely normal to still be suffering this soon after a loss like that. Healing from miscarriage takes time and it’s important you keep talking about this with people you trust. You’re definitely not alone. Sending you so much love.

  94. I found out I was pregnant very early I was in pain and discomfort I was referred to and ob doctor every thing looked good than when my hormone levels weren’t matching up to the measurements on the sonogram there were concerns that’s when I wanted to get a second opinion bc the first doctor said I could either wait to see if I miscarry on my own or have surgery so I wanted a second option the week before I saw the dr another dr for my second opinion I went to the hospital bc I was in pain They didn’t see anything wrong they said I was four weeks along they put me on bedrest when it came time for my second opinion drs appointment I went it they did a sonogram and the measurements were the same as it was the week before when I had went to the hospital so I was given the option of surgery or I could take a pill to help my body miscarry bc it wasn’t doing it on it’s own they said. If I kept the pregnancy in I was at risk for bleeding and infection the pill was said to take 48-72 hours to work I didn’t want that so I got surgery. It’s hard I have other kids but this would of been my finance and my 3 child together I have 4 others with my ex he was so excited. I don’t seem to be myself lately I’m very distant I feel alone and lost I feel like the world forgot about me. Or is mad at me. I have been off work and while they understand I feel like I did something wrong. I sleep alot and just don’t feel like the Happy me I was before I found out I was pregnant. I just want to feel normal again.

    • the surgery was the 25 of March 2015

    • Amber – I am so sorry for your loss. Miscarrying is a very difficult thing to go through and it takes time to heal. If you aren’t feeling like yourself, that can be a sign of a more serious problem, like depression or perhaps anxiety caused by what happened to you. I encourage you to reach out to a doctor or a therapist to discuss how you’ve been feeling. I want you to feel normal again too, so don’t wait long to get help.

  95. OMG!! How long will I feel empty and alone? My first D&C is scheduled for six in the am. I knew something was wrong a couple of weeks ago;felt detached from my “baby”. My OB appointment confirmed my fears. As i looked at the screen, although I’m not a doctor, I could definitely see a change from my 6week check up. I was only 10 wks, but this would have been my first at 39 yrs of age. Any advice?????

  96. I really appreciate this forum. Thanks so much Becky, for everything that you do. It’s really nice of you to take the time to validate what we are all feeling,and that you show love and support to all of us.

  97. Antoinette Car says:

    Just found out I had a miscarriage today. It’s hard to know that I lost a part of me. I wish it was something I could have done to prevent this

  98. I met what I thought was the love of my life. I was dating a doctor and he treated me like a princess ive never dated a man like him before. I found out that I was pregnant on thanksgiving. I called him that afternoon a little before he was going to come over my house in a panic. He said im sorry I cant have any part with your pregnancy and broke up with me. My life was falling apart right in front of me. Around 2 weeks earlier we werent careful so he suggested that I take the plan b pill and he would buy it for me so I agreed. I took the pill before so I didnt see any harm in taking it. I took the pill and I bled for about 2 weeks straight. I had very bad fever and chills and I had no clue y bc plan b doesnt do that. So fast forward to him knowing the whole time he told me that my baby would be born with deformities and he begged me to have an abortion and he prayed that my baby would die. I was devastated everyday just feeling so alone and worried about my babies future. I was starting to get excited and my love for my baby was growing because I was scheduled for my first sonogram the day before christmas eve. I go and they kept trying to find the heart beat and she couldnt so she took a few pictures and said dont worry im going to show these to the doctor and we will call you later today. I go home and I get what was the worst phone call of my life. At 8 weeks my baby had no heartbeat. I dropped to the ground crying in disbelief. I was scheduled Christmas eve morning for a d&c. I was crushed. Now that pill that I took I researched it with my gynecologist and the fact that he is an internal medicine doctor he has acess to any type of pill in the hospital. Methotrexate is what they give women in abortion clinic before they are 8 wks pregnant to terminate pregnancy. Its what they give to cancer patients and leukemia patients in the hospital. I have no proof of this bc it was already out of my system but the plan b does not do this. Not only did I have to go through my pregnancy alone have a d&c but the father of my child was the who killed my baby. I am still going through all of this a few months later sometimes at night I just have a heart wrenching cry wishing that my baby was still there. I just feel so robbed of what was supposed to be my little beautiful baby.I pray that someday I can get pregnant again and I can have that smile brought back to my face again because it is the most beautiful feeling. I just felt like I needed to share my story somewhere because im still going through this


  1. […] sun brings me peace that I’ll find happiness again one day.  As the sun sets, I begin to feel anxiety over other areas of my life that I cannot control.  This is a “normal” feeling that people experience when they lose something, they […]

  2. […] Grief. Postpartum Progress has a couple of posts that also helped me (links here, here, and here). And last but certainly not least, let yourself grieve. Give yourself permission to grieve. No […]