A dear friend of mine posed this question the other day in relation to her mental illness diagnosis: “Why me? I don’t deserve this.”
The only (pretty inadequate) response I could think of?: “Nobody deserves this.”
I get the “why me?” question a lot. I had that same question myself once. What the hell did I do to deserve this kind of mental torture? Why on earth do I deserve postpartum depression?
You hear the same thing from people who get cancer, and people who lose loved ones, and people who are robbed or attacked, and people who lose jobs and people who are abused or abandoned … all of us are asking the same question: “Why me?!!!!”
Is there a good answer? I don’t know. Maybe it has something to do with philosophy and life being full of suffering no matter who you are and what type of suffering it is. Maybe it has something to do with the concept that we learn through suffering and become better people, so problems are really gifts we are given. Maybe it has nothing to do with anything at all, and these things are random occurrences.
I really. don’t. know. I don’t know why you.
I have to wonder, though, whether any answer to that question be acceptable to you. “Well, friend, you got postpartum/antenatal depression/anxiety/psychosis so that you could _________________.” What could someone put in that blank that would make it okay for you to be suffering the way you are at this moment? Probably nothing. I mean, yes it does help to know that you had risk factors, real ones that have been identified by medical research that show you didn’t just randomly get PPD for no reason, but even then some people have those risk factors and don’t get sick, which brings us 360 degrees back around to “Why me?”
Maybe if there’s no good answer to the question it would be better if we tried to stop asking it. That would mean acceptance, right? Acceptance is hard, but maybe it helps us to move on toward a resolution of some sort, or toward finding a way of living and taking care of ourselves that allows for some improvement, like asking for professional help. Maybe we need some forgiveness, too. We need to forgive ourselves and know that we didn’t do anything wrong to end up with postpartum depression. We’re just here now and we’re doing what we can to change things.
Clearly I don’t know what I’m talking about here. I’m not a philosopher, or a therapist, or an expert on hope and acceptance and forgiveness. I just don’t know why you. I’m here for you, though. That’s all I’ve got. I can sit with you and virtually hold hands, and do my best to help you get through it. You’re not alone.
Photo: Fotolia © Marek
Great post! I liken it to a tornado that demolishes one house and leaves the next door neighbors' house untouched. A piece of us resents those who survived unharmed and the fact that there's no rhyme or reason to it makes it all the more frustrating. But no victim ever rebuilds their house exactly the same way. They make improvements…maybe even move altogether for a fresh start. So, even though it sucked big-time, I do indeed feel like my PTSD and PPD were invitations to rebuild and come back even better than before.
When I ask that (and I have) I often counter it with "Why not me?" At this point, it is abundantly clear to me that I'm not immune from anything. I don't believe things happen to us so that we can learn cosmic lessons either. I just think sometimes bad things happen.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts here Val!
So glad you are here Liz!
My question was, and is, why with this baby? I look back and had all the "risk factors" with #1 and not #2, so why did I get so sick in my brain with #2? I know it is pointless, and probably harmful, to keep asking myself this question, but i still keep wondering if there was something I did wrong, or right the first time.
God will never give us a problem that will never resolve. In every temptation, there is an escape. This is one way of reminding us how God miraculously works in our lives.