Blogger and PPD survivor Robin Farr from Farewell Stranger wants to know if you’ve ever felt afraid to accept the idea that you might be getting better for fear that you’ll just slip back into the darkness of postpartum depression again …
It was a conversation on Twitter among a small group of mothers – the kind I’ve been part of before and will happily be part of again – where one mama was caught in the postpartum depression pendulum swing and needed some support. She wasn’t at the bottom, though she couldn’t quite see her way to the top either. But then she said something different than what we often hear.
“I’m scared to feel good.”
I know that feeling. You get to the point where the darkness has started to fade just enough to let the light in, and you look in the direction of that light and wonder if you’re going to be okay out there.
Postpartum depression does that to people, I think. As horribly awful as it is, feeling bad can become the norm. We learn to cope with not coping, and all the self-defense mechanisms we use to get through our days become what we know best. And we wonder what would happen if we didn’t live in that world anymore.
In one of my previous posts, I talked about the intensity of depression. For me, losing that sense of feeling deeply was scary, but I don’t think that’s really why some of us are scared to feel good.
I was hoping that as I wrote this post it would become clearer – that the reason would reveal itself. Are we afraid to feel that way because we don’t want to enter the light only to have the darkness return? Are we worried that the cloud behind which we’ve been hiding will disappear and propel us out into the world again?
It might be all of that for some, and probably something else entirely for others. Being scared to feel good is just one of those unexplained and unexplainable things about postpartum depression and yet one more thing that makes us wonder what’s wrong with us.
Have you felt scared to feel good? I’d love to hear your thoughts on it. All I really know is that I got over that feeling, and feeling good never felt so great.
~ Robin Farr, Farewell Stranger
Sometimes. I don't know. I think that the fear of having the ground fall out from under me is always there. Always. But I don't think I'm afraid to be happy. Does that make sense?
Yes, totally. I think those are two different things, and both totally normal.
I know that feeling all too well. I worry if it will appear out of nowhere again. If I have an "off" day (like everyone does sometimes) it freaks me out. I need to learn that no one is happy 100% of the time and to feel OK with that.
You're right. We all know that feeling, but it's still hard to recognize a true struggle and just a bad day.
Having had a significant amount of anxiety prior to being diagnosed with PPOCD, it took me a long time to realize that I was back at my previous baseline. Through therapy I learned how to differentiate between my "normal" anxiety and what could be considered postpartum related. I remember having such wonderful days and then waiting for the ball to drop. And it did. But it hasn't dropped in a long time now. I can say with confidence that I am moving beyond my lifelong baseline of anxiety to a less anxious ridden thought life.
If you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but not quite there, take heart. Appreciate and embrace those good days, even if the next one won't be so great. Use the good days to fuel you through the bad ones, and notice them as they gradually happen less often and with less intensity.
Great advice, Emily. Thanks!
Exactly what I needed to hear! Thanks.
Hmm…I’m having a hard time answering that question too… I mean, as badly as I want depression to be in my past, I almost feel like it has oddly become my safe zone…like I lean on my depression as a crutch. It’s so weird.
One thing I have noticed about myself as I have been feeling better and better, is that sometimes, if I laugh or smile, it actually feels awkward to me and I almost feel embarrassed to feel happy or enjoy anything. There are times when my husband catches me smiling about something, and he says “what? What are you grinning about?” and I feel embarrassed and I immediately wipe the smile off my face and revert into my shell. I guess it’s because I had become so used to the way I was in the depressed state, that anything outside of that feels unusual…..and even awkward.
I totally know what you mean. Did you read my earlier post on the intensity of depression? Sort of a different thing but it's similar to your comment about a safe zone.
Yes, I do remember reading that post a while back, and I didn't really identivy with it until reading this post!
* identify *
Definitely, scared to feel good, only to have the darkness come back quickly and in a deeper force, I think you loose sense of what is normal and what feeling good is.
So true – losing a sense of what is normal. I still feel like I don't really know a lot of the time.
What a great topic Robin! to answer your question, Yes, I have felt afraid to let my guard down to even determine if I feel good…..I actually feel somedays that I just can't even assess the day because the past 8 months have been like nothing I have ever lived through….in a sad and bad way- happiness feels so fleeting- I often wonder if it will ever be present for more than a few hours or sometimes moments at a time? I do I am heading in a better direction, based on where I was, but it does feel like it will never be 100% and will never remain stable…..that feels dream like right now- but posts like this yours gives me more insight and allows me to think perhaps I need to give in to more those "good" times, however short they may be! THANK YOU for a motivating piece and one we should all ponder:-)
Thanks Kris. I'm so glad that perspective helps. I've talked to a lot of moms who are afraid to let that good feeling in, for fear of all sorts of things. But I think doing it a little bit at a time is a great idea.
It's been a year and a half since I recovered from PPD but I am still scared it'll come back for round 2 as I just gave birth to my second child 6 weeks ago. Been on my antidepressant the whole time so hopefully the PPD will be kept at bay. So far so good though.
Good luck, Rebecca! I'm glad it's going well so far. Just holler if you need support.
I love that this is a discussion. I have just been thinking something similar. I'm 18 months post PPD dx and I went a year of trauma before actually being diagnosed. now that I've had time to heal and get down the road, I love feeling good and I don't take it for granted. However, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think back to what I went through and I do get scared that I might go back there. My perspective is totally different now on day to day life. I know feeling good isn't an absolute everyday, where before PPD, I never gave it a second thought, I never asked myself "will I feel anxious and depressed today?" and now that is a question that arises frequently. I think after you go through PPD, you know those scary feelings are a possibiliy and we never know what lies around the corner, definitely when I have an "off" day. I especially feel that way now since I'm 12 weeks from my delivery date of my 2nd daughter. don't know if I will go through all that again, but I do find comfort in that I survived it the first time, I will know right away what it is this time and will quickly and effectively treat it.
That's a great perspective, Brooke. Fingers crossed for you that the 2nd time around goes well.
In a way, I have felt that too. I'm okay with feeling happy, but I'm always worrying when the other shoe will drop.
Totally common. You're not alone. 🙂
We actually had this topic on ppdchat the other day. I talked about how this fear is almost like post traumatic stress. I shiver when I think about what happened to me. My son is 8 months, I've been ok for a solid 4months, but I live in so much fear still. My therapist keeps on asking me what I'm really scared of…I guess for me is that ppd is still there underneath this medication, I'm scared I might have to be on meds for life, I'm scared of tampering with my medication, ppocd has left me traumatized by my own thoughts, fear that I could pass this illness to my kids. And also ppd has been a my life for the past months, I truly don't remember me before this experience. I read somewhere where Katherine was talking about how it took her a whole year to get the right meds, and another year to get over the trauma of it all. I now understand that recovery from ppd is not abc, no, it really is a journey.
That's so true. I waited and waited to be all better, and then I realized it doesn't work that way. I think we all carry pieces of this with us for a while, and I'm trying to be okay with that.
I felt like the other shoe was about to drop. I couldn't stop worrying about having good days and wondering when the next bad day was going to come
I have gotten over that feeling although I am not sure how I did. I am learning to step back and enjoy the small moments and pleasures in life.
"waiting for the other shoe to drop" is a good way to describe how I feel a lot of the time lately. My stretches of good days far outweigh the bad now but I still feel like I'm constantly looking over my shoulder, waiting for depression to swallow me up again. I also question whether good days are actually 'good' or whether they're just not quite as crappy as they've been. I'm not sure if I'm scared to be happy again but I certainly feel like I've forgotten how to be happy naturally. Excellent topic! x
So glad to hear that, Jenny.
I was definitely scared to feel good, cause I didn't want the bad to come back. I didn't want to feel like me again just to have it ripped away. Which is what happened. I was feeling good for 2 months. Even considered getting of my meds. Then boom. It came back with a fierce vengeance. I am scared this is going to happen this is gonna happen again.
I know what you mean – having it ripped away is so awful. We're here if you need support – any time.
I guess I am just afraid to trust the good, to trust my own judgment. How do I know if this is what better feels like? Am I just in denial still? Depression steals from us that ability to listen to and trust our own instincts (although I may be reversing cause and effect there too), and we need to learn or relearn how to do that. Which is scary sometimes.
I know exactly what you mean, you keep on thinking is this it? or am I fooling myself.
Yep. I'm still stuck in that. Which probably doesn't make you feel better, but you're not the only one.
Dear Katherine;
I have been diagnosed with depression and ever since I
have been wondering if I’ll ever get out of it. Reading
your story told me there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have not yet crossed anyone explaining how they feel after depression or during.
I know exactly what you felt. This is my first time reading this post and I have to tell you, it pretty much answered all the questions I had in my head. I was wondering if I was the only one.
How long did it take before you weren’t scared anymore?
right now i’m afraid to recover from my depression… I was afraid back then and until now to love, care and get hurt again because i felt that when depression comes back again I don’t know what will happen to me anymore. I’m afraid that I will become worse than before as I am now with my depression… Everyday I have to pretend to be okay and just go with the flow that i’ve gotten used to. I do want to recover. I do want to be normal again but i’m afraid to be happy again and get hurt all over again.
scarlet, I believe it is worth that risk. Getting well can mean so much more joy and freedom in your life. Yes, we are all at risk for future pain, but learning to be healthy in this very day we are given is so important and there is so much more peace. I hope you have some good professional support like therapy and a doctor that you can trust. I’m sending you peace!
thank you. I’ve been thinking for quite a while to get a therapist but fear and financial reason is always stopping me to get one until I ended up getting afraid to recover. I gave up last week on finding a therapist and decided to accept and stay in my depression state… but I am recovering now.. I suddenly saw this chakra test and took it for fun but I do believe in such things and ended up having a result that all of my chakras are weak or close. A friend of mine saw what i said in my FB post and recommend me a video on how to open my chakras.
*Root/earth chakra:
blocked by fear..
so you need to let go of your fear
*sacral/water chakra:
blocked by guilt…
you need to forgive yourself
*solar plexus/fire chakra:
blocked by shame..
you need to accept and love yourself
*heart/love chakra:
blocked by grief..
release sadness, loss and resentment
*throat/sound chakra:
blocked by lies..
release your denial and lies you tell to yourself
3rd eye/light chakra:
blocked by illusion..
insight (Collective Consciousness)
crown/thought chakra:
blocked by earthly attachment..
Realize by letting go of your earthly attachments, they do not disappear. Make room for the Pure Cosmic Energy that is all around us.
this actually helps.. especially from root to throat chakra.. I still have some depression episodes and my emotions are a bit stable now especially my temper.. Im happy that its not that worse anymore than before… But I felt that i had gone back to square one.. the time that i felt before when i got my depression. I was lonely and longing for a partner.. so I ended up with someone who is not right for me.. It was really big mistake to be with someone just because you felt lonely and no one understands you.. and now im struggling how to fix this loneliness.. I don’t want to make the same mistake anymore…