Earlier this week, Katherine posted about The Oprah Show’s request for the stories of mothers with PPD. It seemed like a good opportunity to show the world another side of postpartum mood disorders, and I jump at any chance I have to do that. At Oprah’s website, I filled out a form with some personal information, and then had to write a short description of my experience with PPD. It had to be under 2000 characters long, which I found to be quite restrictive, but I made it work. I expected that to be the end of it.
I was surprised when I received an email from an Oprah staffer the next day, asking for more specific information about my postpartum depression story. I was a little shocked, to be honest; I actually questioned the authenticity of the email, but eventually figured that even if it were some random person asking me these personal questions, sharing the information wouldn’t do any real harm to me or my family.
I started answering the questions in the email, which mostly had to do with the particulars of my diagnosis, and whether or not I was currently undergoing treatment for the disorder. These were easy to answer, as the information is pretty straightforward.
Then I got to the last few questions, and I read this:
After your child's birth…are you feel empty and sad instead of elated and excited?
And this:
Are you scared you were going to hurt your child or yourself?
These questions rankled a bit, to be honest. Aside from the glaring grammatical errors (which bother me more than I’d like to admit), I found the questions themselves to be indicative of the stereotypes of PPD moms I’ve come to expect from the general public.
I know that the questions were most likely meant to get a broad sense of what PPD is like and I should probably just let it go, but I can’t help myself. I’m bothered, especially in light of the catastrophe that was AOLNews’ coverage of the Duley murders in South Carolina.
It seems that people are intent on pigeonholing PPD as a crazy-making disease, one that turns women into baby haters, baby killers. The truth is, as with any disorder, there are so many shades of postpartum depression, a veritable rainbow of symptoms, circumstances, and treatments, none of which are exactly the same from woman to woman.
One reason I allow myself to be so offended is because it is precisely these types of questions that make women with PPD/A/OCD not want to speak out. Who wants to talk to a virtual stranger about the fact that they could’ve cared less about their child, only moments after said child was out of the birth canal? Not many people would be so bold.
Why is it that the first thing that comes to people’s minds when they hear PPD is “This woman probably doesn’t love her child,” or “This woman is probably going to hurt her child.”? It’s as though all the literature about the range of PPD symptoms simply doesn’t exist–in the eyes of the world, all PPD moms are a danger to themselves or their children. It’s no wonder many women fear speaking out.
There is another layer of offensiveness here, though, and I wrote as much in my email to The Oprah Show. Like I said above, there is a broad spectrum of symptoms associated with PPD, and mine had very little to do with wanting to harm my child. Not only that, but I was completely elated at the birth of my son–it wasn’t until later that I started to manifest symptoms of depression. Why couldn’t the question have just said, “What types of symptoms did you experience during your bout of PPD?” It seems like that courtesy doesn’t extend to people with mental illness–in our society, it’s perfectly acceptable to jump right in andassume every depressed mother wants to kill someone.
I’m not sure what it’s going to take to show the public that postpartum depression is a bonafide illness, and as such, can manifest in many different ways. Am I to feel like my case of PPD was less severe because I never wanted to harm my children? Should the women who did have harmful thoughts be made to feel like worse mothers than those who didn’t? The answer is no, of course, but these things are so easily inferred by the language that is now most commonly used among laypeople who have never experienced a mood disorder.
The response to the AOLNews piece yesterday showed me that the tide might be turning. To see so many women and men up in arms about an issue that is so often swept under the rug was like a gulp of cool water on a hot summer’s day. I pray that this trend continues, and the language changes, so that someday soon, the first thought that comes to mind when we hear about a PPD mom is “I’ll bet she’s a strong woman, to be able to live through that.”
Alexis Lesa
Alexis! I love that you are a contributor here! I love your writing and i relate to your experiences with PPD so much!
I agree about the stereotypes. Even now…I will get positive feedback from family and friends when they see that I have shared about my experiences on my blog, but no one wants to talk about my "crazy" in real life. They don't want to say out loud that I am depressed and anxious and deal with these issues.
They all act like I am going to be a crazy person in their presence. And they eye my son like I could shake him at any minute (which I have NEVER done…) or that maybe I don't (or went through a time when I didn't) love him–which has NEVER been the case.
Sigh…all of these reasons were why, at first? I didn't want ANYONE to know I suffered from PPD. at first. now I want to break the stigma.
and i hope the Oprah show can take that direction too.
When we had our daughter 2.5 years ago, my wife had symptoms of PPD and I'll admit that the only things I knew about PPD are the stereotypes you described, so I worried about her healthy as well as the health of our daughter. My wife also only knew about the stereotypes, so she felt awful that she was having these symptoms. Since then, we've gotten more educated on the matter, and things have been much better with our second, who was born 7 weeks ago.
I know my wife struggled a lot with thoughts of inadequacy as a mother, and stereotypes of PPD didn't help, so I'm grateful that this is being discussed and brought to light.
Hey Katie! You know, the only reason I was able to come right out and tell people about my PPD was that I just didn't realize there WERE stereotypes. I suppose that's one time it was good to be naive. I thought everyone would just be supportive and happy that I was getting treatment, and thank goodness, for the most part I was right. That doesn't mean I don't get irritated when perfect strangers treat me like an unfit mother.
Thanks so much for your comment! xo
You don't even understand how happy it makes me to see a man reading this. My husband felt completely helpless when I was in the clutches of PPD, and he had NO IDEA what might have been wrong with me. It is so good of you to try to become educated both to help your wife and support your family. The world needs so many more men like you.
I'm so glad to hear that things have been better this time around, and your family will be in my thoughts.
Woo hoo for Pop's comment!!!
This is a great post. I tossed around the idea of the Oprah thing, too, but I'm still not sure I'm willing to put it out there, mostly in fear that the story will be spun the wrong way…I commend you for speaking up and I appreciate all that you've been sharing.
I am so glad that this is a topic.. it is such an important one… and, also very complicated.
As a therapist specializing in the prevention and treatment of PPMD's (and also a mom who suffered and recovered from PPA), I actually ask every single new woman who walks into my office that very same question: "Do you or have, or have you ever, had thoughts of harming yourself or your baby"- I am also very aware of the fear and frustration that this question can bring. At the same time, fears of thoughts of harming one's self or her baby are also VERY common for many, many of the women who I work with. This is absolutely NOT to say that these women will ever actually do either of these things or actually WANT to do either of these things, but for many women who are suffering postpartum (whether they be suffering from PPD, PPOCD, PPA, PPPTSD, or in the rarest and most severe cases PPP). These thoughts and symptoms, should they exist, are really important to talk about openly and honestly without judgment. Because these thoughts are so scary for moms who suffer from them, they are hard to talk about. I find that if I ask them directly and open up the conversation in a way that works against stigma and offers safety and lack of judgment, I am MUCH more able to support these moms appropriately.
Now, of course Oprah is not a therapist (although perhaps some times she likes to think of herself that way), and so I can totally see where the frustration comes from with this question. At the same time, I imagine that the folks on the other end of the questionnaire are just hoping to understand what PPD is like for folks…. and so you- being someone who did not have these thoughts- have a lot to offer this show in helping the public to fully understand the whole range of types of PPMD's, symptoms, and realities that many, many women experience.
I hope they choose you to help inform 🙂
I too responded to Oprah and felt like if maybe, just maybe my story could help one woman then it was worth letting down my guard a little. I have to admit 2000 characters or less was not only frustrating, trying to condense "my story", but I felt like I was minimizing my story, minimizing myself. I get the intent of the "2000 character" thing but it did create other questions for me that left me feeling a bit out of sorts all day which makes me wonder if I am not out of the woods yet. I received the same set of question from an Oprah staffer and love that you are so mindful of your own feelings and shared your thoughts about how it made you feel. I was right there with yaw! When I finished answering the questions I wondered… When do you know you’re "better"? Are you ever the same? I would like to think that I have healed from the worst of the illness but the topic is so extremely personal and so deep that there always seems to be little pieces of debris that I find laying around in my mind. I admire all the wonderful women who have survived PPD. I know the strength it takes to defeat the PPD beast. I don't know that I will ever move beyond PPD (I hope so). Ignorant comments and negative stereotypes always leave me to second guess myself and my diagnosis which mostly stirs up more and more questions. I suppose my journey now is beating THAT beast, the negativity associated with the illness. Not only do we find the strength to survive PPD but we MUST find the strength to fight FOR PPD.
Just love your comment Grace. You will move beyond. It really takes time.
I'm more than 8 years past it now, which is why it is easy for me. But if you had spoken with me 6 years ago, I cried every time I discussed it. It gets easier.
We admire you right back and so glad you are a regular part of PP!
I always go back and forth. I worry about the tendency for the media to sensationalize and make things worse. Then I look at the opportunity to reach so many people with good information on PPD. Ugh!
I, too, responded to The Oprah Show's call for stories. The fact that The Oprah Show would consider doing PPD as a topic for its LAST SEASON EVER thrills me. I'm not sure how many shows there are in a season, but this feels like one big chance before the show ends to do some good. I can type and type and type on this blog till the cows come home, and I'll NEVER be able to reach as many people as Oprah with the kind of education and awareness that is needed. So I really hope they do the show, and I hope even more they put on people who know what they are talking about.
I'd like to think that over the years Oprah's producers have learned a lot and take care in what and who they put on the air. I'd like to think that they're working even harder for this last season to really make a difference on topics that are so important to women. And I'm excited that they have heard back from so many readers of Postpartum Progress — in fact, I hope the majority of the responses came from y'all, because I know how special all of you are and I'm sure you've taught them a lot.
I think the whole audience should be made up of PMAD advocates and survivors!
–K
Pop,
I JUST LOVE IT WHEN A DAD HANGS OUT WITH US!! Yay Pop! Thank you for caring so much about your wife. You are an example to men everywhere.
Hey, Katherine and Alexis. This is deja vu all over again. Three years ago an Oprah producer contacted me about a show they were doing on bipolar. The show featured a mom who killed her six-year-old kid.
I just blogged on this:
http://knowledgeisnecessity.blogspot.com/2010/08/…
Don't expect Oprah to change.
Hi all,
I too responded to the show and got asked for more. I didn't find the questions annoying because I saw this as an opportunity to educate and share. I never wanted to hurt or kill my daughter or myself, but as I said in my answer it is complicated because I wanted, very simply, to not exist. I thought Maisie would be better off if I wasn't there or if she had a different mama. That if I vanished or left then my husband could find someone wonderful to bring her up and everyone (myself included) would be better off.
I think until you've experience postpartum mental illness you honestly can't imagine how difficult, complicated and guilt ridden it all is.
I know I'm still struggling through and Katherine I can't wait to be 8 years away from it all and be able to see this time with more clarity.
I truly hope the producers show a variety of women and struggles so more and more women can see how common this is and also how much they are not alone.
I totally understand the hesitation–it's not a decision to come by lightly, and it's not at all unreasonable to imagine that might happen, given what we know about the way people talk about PPD.
Thank you so much for your insightful and sensitive comment, Kate. You see, I completely agree with you, no equivocations. I think that in a therapy session, the question is totally appropriate–it is, after all, part of your job to ascertain whether or not mother and child are in immediate danger.
But like you said, that's not necessarily the first thing I want to be asked by a complete stranger, even for the sake of "research." It seems like all the Oprah show knows about PPD is the sensationalism, the media headlines that fascinate and appall people.
I hope that with more education from people like you, there will be a movement towards information rather than sensation.
I'm right there with you, Grace. I can't think about it without coming up with eight million new questions, and I don't know how long it will take before I'm really, really done with PPD. But I do know that it gets better everyday, everyday I am able to further remove myself from the swirling emotions and guilt.
And even when I'm able to move on, I'll still be talking about it. Because like you said, we have to fight for all the other PPD moms so they don't to suffer needlessly.
How freakin' amazing would that be, Katherine, if the show did the right thing and portrayed PPD moms in the way WE all see them? That one show would probably do more for PPD awareness than I could do in my entire lifetime, sad as that is. 🙂
That's such a shame. I'm going to go read your post now. And all I can say is, I hope you're wrong and she has seen the light.
That's exactly how I felt, Emily–that everyone in my life would be so much better off if I just wasn't there. I really hope they show that there are so many different PPD moms out there, and they all deserve a voice. Thanks so much for your comment.
Exactly. We can only hope. Fingers crossed.
The people who comment at this blog are awesome. Just awesome.
One of the reasons it took me so long to admit that I had PPD was because I only thought someone had it if they had those extreme feelings of wanting to hurt themselves or their baby. I finally got help and realized that my feelings were more than valid for having PPD. After finding this site too, and reading The Symptoms of Postpartum Depression & Anxiety (In Plain Mama English), it made me realize even more so that my PPD was real! I want other moms to be aware of this, and know the REAL symptoms of PPD!
Right? Totally.
Hi all,
I just want to throw in that I know that there are many shades of postpartum mood illness, and add that the reality is that some truly are less severe than others. But, what I'd also like to point out is that this doesn't mean that they are not worth caring about.
Being someone that suffered from the most severe one – postpartum psychosis where there are psychotic thoughts about harming others, I honestly hope that it will be focused on by the show because it is the type that causes the most harm.
True, that these are the postpartum stories that are often sensationalized by the media. But often, what is put out whenever tragedy strikes does nothing to educate about the condition.
Ultimately, what I'm saying is that I hope the Oprah show does have an array of ppmd surviviors – like yourselves Alexis & Katherine. But I also hope it includes someone that has suffered from the extreme symptoms so often sensationalized but never covered in a rational, humane way.
On a more personal note, I really thought about submitting my own story, but the fact that I work with children for a living is what prevents me. If only it were possible to go on with one's identity protected!
It's so true, Brandi–the levels of PPD are so complicated, and it's so important to let women know that there are resources (like Postpartum Progress) that can help them seek the right kind of help. I'm so thankful that you found your way here, and that now you're doing your part to increase awareness. Thanks so much for your comment!
Interested:
Thank you for your comment, it was so wonderful to read. You are totally, totally right. I wasn't in any way suggesting that we should pay less attention to PPP, and I truly hope that if this episode on Oprah happens, that they have someone there who has been through it and came out on the other side. I agree that that's what the world really needs to see, is the woman who DIDN'T kill her children, who DIDN'T cause harm, even though every impulse told her to do so.
I am so glad that you made it through, that you're a survivor. And even though you choose to remain anonymous, what you just wrote made a difference for me. So thank you.
IITD,
I hope you know that OF COURSE I would want people that represent the entire spectrum of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders to be there … strong representatives of the wide variety of experiences women go through.
Hello there!
I also wrote to Oprah and got the same response. I was happy to answer the questions, though. I suffered and survived a pp psychosis. However, I thought the question, "Are you scared you were going to hurt your child or yourself?" was a good question to teach others about the difference between the mood disorders that occur. Intrusive thoughts, like these, are a pretty common symptom of postpartum OCD. Having these are the time to get help before delusions of a psychosis set in!!!! Learn from me. Also, I didn't have the thoughts of harming myself and baby. My intrusive thoughts were of another nature, but that's what they were, intrusive thoughts. Not every psychosis is about harming yourself or your baby. However, becoming delusional is dangerous because you are no longer set in reality. Also, I also had no history of mental illness so I was not exactly a typical psychosis case, if there is such a thing.
What most people don't understand is that there are a variety of mood disorders, not just pp depression and God-forbid psychosis (like I and I'm sad to read Interested had.) I hope the show will teach this difference of the mood disorders.
Interested, if you read this, I did submit my story. I was an elementary school teacher for many years and am now a stay-at-home mother.
I also filled out the form on Oprah's website and received the same follow up email the next day. I started filling in answers and then stopped when I got to the first of the two questions you quoted above.
My first thought was "Wow, has Oprah outsourced her screening to a non-native English speaking country?" and second I was squirmy at the thought of how I would ever be able to explain the horror show of intrusive thoughts and hallucinations I had of causing harm but also get the point across that I never wanted to do any of those things and I was just as appalled as anyone else would be of what I seeing/thinking.
I ended up not finishing the email response and the email from the staffer is now sitting in my trash.
The first part of your comment made me laugh because honestly, that's exactly what I thought too–wasn't there anyone to proofread the email? I mean, if they're sending it out to large numbers of women, couldn't they at least have a proofreader?
Anyway, thank you for your comment. I can understand your hesitation to put the truth out there, when it feels like so few people would understand, especially when the truth is contained within such a limited and impersonal format.
I'm glad you did what was right for you, and like we've all been saying, I hope that if this show eventually does make it on the air, that they give the public an accurate representation of who we all really are.
Survivor,
Thank you for submitting your story; hopefully your words will move The Oprah Show one step closer to getting it right. And I'm also thankful you commented here and gave the other side, a PPP survivor who wasn't at all offended by the questions, and in fact found them appropriate for the situation. It just goes to show how differently women experience PPMDs.
Wow, you sound exactly like me – no history of mental illness prior, a school teacher and a survivor who knows how necessary it is that people be educated about getting help before the delusions set in!
I am soooooo happy to hear you submitted your story. I hope you get on to share more about this illness and how one can get help for it before it is too late.
Thanks Survivor!
OF COURSE I knew that Katherine:)
I too responded to the 2000 words and did get an email to hear more of my story. After the AOL story, I wrote my whole story!
I cannot tell you how much it bothers me that people judge you because you have PPD. Katherine, I HONESTLY do not know what I would do without you and this website. My son is going to be 2 and I started with PPD at 7months pp. I still don't feel back to myself but I am doing soooooo much better…Your frustration with morons and your fight to get them educated helps with my healing… Thank you for all that you do!!
Hopefully, I really did write to Oprah, not a phoney…whoever I wrote to, it felt wonderful to get my story out…
Thanks again
Thanks for your comment, Christina! I'm so happy that you were able to write about your experience with PPD. Like you said, no matter who you wrote to, the important thing was that you wrote it all down. For me, writing has been a crucial part of my recovery.
Wow, so much to think about. I haven't (yet) dealt with any of these things that you guys talk about, but I really do feel for you and want to offer support to everyone. Can't wait to read more.