I never thought I had a good body. I was always really tall, kind of awkward, big feet, muscular thighs. I never really felt womanly or cute — mostly just like I took up an inordinate amount of space. At the same time, though, I wasn’t that self-conscious about it. I didn’t really like being tall, but it wasn’t that big a deal. I just dealt with it and made sure to date guys who were taller than me.
When I got to college, I gained the Freshman 15+15, plus another 15 or so in the few months after I got married. I was only 19, and I didn’t like being heavy. I started watching what I ate, exercising, and obsessing, and eventually most of the weight came off. Then I got pregnant.
At first, I appreciated the weight gain; I was a first-time mom-to-be, and I wanted everyone to know it. I was so ecstatic to be a mother, and I thought my belly was cute. But as my weight continued to creep into never-before-seen digits, I started to freak out. I’m talking majorly panic. I thought about it constantly: Only one pound and I’ll be the heaviest I’ve ever been. Three more pounds and I’ll weigh more than my husband. Five more pounds and I’ll have to lose fifty pounds to get back to my pre-baby weight.
At the back of my mind, though, I clung to the knowledge that soon, I’d have the baby, and I’d bounce right back. Imagine my shock when I got home from the hospital and I had MORE stretchmarks than I’d had before the baby was born. Didn’t see that one coming, and I was not at all amused.
I didn’t even recognize myself in the mirror (when I finally gained the courage to actually look). What had been smooth, unmarked skin now was a roadmap of shiny hairline tears. I used to make a joke that I looked like I’d been attacked by a really pissed off cat–it wasn’t really that funny, now that I think about it. I’d always had the cutest little belly button, and now it just looked strange. And I still don’t even like to think about the fact that I could basically hide a remote control or other similar-sized object in the extra flesh hanging around my abdomen.
I lost some of the weight, but not all of it, before getting pregnant with my second son. For some reason, I thought I’d be able to learn from my first pregnancy and not gain 50+ pounds during the second. Not so much. And since I was starting from a higher weight this time and my skin was…stretchier, things got ugly a lot faster.
Now I’m almost 18 months postpartum and still so much heavier than I’m comfortable being. Both rounds of postpartum depression have come, in part at least, from a complete hopelessness that I’ll ever again like the way I look. I can’t stand to look in a full-length mirror, and when I happen to catch a glimpse of myself as I pass a darkened store window, it takes me hours to get the image out of my head. I look on pictures from the years before I had children with an intense regret that I didn’t enjoy what I had. I would give almost anything to get that body back.
Complicating things is my medication for postpartum depression. I can never be sure if it’s making me eat more or less, enjoy my food more or less, or if I’m just plain nuts. I don’t want to blame my appetite on the very thing that’s keeping me alive, but at the same time I can’t help but wonder if there’s a connection between the meds and my seeming inability to lose even a pound. I’ve been stuck at the same weight (which is much heavier than my ideal healthy weight) for the past six months or so, and it’s frustrating to the point of distraction. At least once a day a voice in my head screams, “I JUST WANT TO FEEL NORMAL ALREADY! I’M SICK OF KILLING MYSELF AT THE GYM, SICK OF COUNTING CALORIES!” It’s really embarrassing to admit, but I’ve had very vivid daydreams of taking a really sharp carving knife and slicing the extra fat off my stomach.
I haven’t had any epiphanies on this subject, and I have no wisdom to offer. I’m still completely unhappy with the way I look, and I struggle every day with the devil on my shoulder who tells me to just eat and eat and eat, that there’s no point in trying to lose weight because I’ll never be attractive again. I hope you didn’t read to the end of this post hoping for advice or consolation, because I have none. All I have to offer is solidarity.
Alexis Lesa
Photo credit: © Amy Walters – Fotolia.com
Oh my, oh my….I could go off on this subject all night long. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who considers being my own plastic surgeon with kitchen utensils! Seriously, I HEAR you on this one. Just (like 3 weeks ago) had my 2nd child. Oh yeah, looks worse than the 1st. HATE how I look. Not looking forward to that 6 week "go ahead" on sex b/c I'm too repulsed by my own body to even think about sex…
So, how do we get out of this? Do we diet for life? Do we go off our meds that increase our appetite? IDK, IDK, IDK.
I, too, have no advice, but I raise my fist (with my wedding rings on my pinkie b/c they haven't fit my ring finger since the beginning of the *first* pregnancy) in solidarity.
Oh I SO hear you. I've gained 20lbs in the last two months as my ADs have changed. I tell everyone that you can tell that ADs were made by a man – a woman would invent one that makes you lose weight as long as you eat chocolate & ice cream!
Anyway I mentioned it in my last appointment with my doc and happened to ask her what she thought about acupuncture. She was incredibly enthusiastic and said acupuncture could def help with the weight gain situation. She said one of the side effects was often an increase in cortisol and cortisol can make you gain weight (usually around your middle), interupt sleep and make you forgetful! (ummm sounds familiar!)
I had my first appointment with the acupuncturist today so I'll keep you posted but it might be worth looking at?
WOW! I totally understand. I'm almost 20 months post partum and between 3 months and 18 months I put on almost 25 lbs MORE than I was at my 6 (well, really 10 week) post partum check up (10 because I couldn't stand to leave the house, I was so sick mentally:(. I have just now began a journey to lose the weight and have lost 15 (in about 2 1/2 months) which is encouraging but I still struggle, I don't know if my meds keep me . I don't always know if I have me" to lose the weight. I try to keep focusing on the fact that I don't want to be on Blood Pressure meds and I want to be able to keep up with my kids but it is hard (plus the anti depressants_. It's just a daily journey and I never know when temptation is going to strike and WIN:(….and it does sometimes! I wish all moms the best of luck in this area….and remember you are beautiful no matter what the scale says!
there is nothing that depresses me more these days than the weight i can't loose from pregnancy and the depression meds. it's ironic that the pills that make me "happy" are also the source of depression via the weight gain. it seems like a vicious cycle that i don't know how to break. comforting at least to hear i'm not alone. thanks.
Well I have the opposite problem. I lost so much weight during my pregnancy and postpartum. (I was constantly sick every day and could not keep anything down) I lost 35 lbs during pregnancy and have lost more through this year of depression. I am a big girl so I cant say i didnt need to lose the weight, but not how to lose it.
Thanks so much for this. I echo the thoughts of these ladies. Would love some answers but I'm thinking since the meds help more than they hurt, nobody's spending too much time trying to figure out how they affect us metabolically. My doctor pretty much told me as much. Sucks.
I feel your pain, ladies, and I am… oh, 72 months postpartum:) I know this sounds cliched as all heck, but I am trying to focus on health. I have cut out sugar and most carbs; this is a huge step for someone who could live on baked goods alone! I am also doing as much yoga as I can; it helps my mind and my body. And I am trying a little acceptance. No, I don't look like I want to right this second, but I am making slow progress. At this point in my life, I am unwilling to try crash diets or cleanses … been there, done that. I too look at the mirror and want to cry sometimes, but I also keep on keeping on … I'm more than a number on a scale, right?
Oh my…I feel like I could have written this!! My youngest turns one next week (eek!) and I weigh as much as I did the day she was born. I am trying to lose the weight but am focusing more on being healthy–exercising as often as I can, eating as healthy as I can, and trying to keep stress in check. The rest will fall into place at some point…right??
Life with PND is difficult enough without having to shed the extra pounds. I was comforted to know that most of the Mummy’s attending a PND support group I was part of also struggled with weight, maybe the meds, maybe just because we were dealing with so much, that exercising with our pram was beyond our contemplation. As part of my recovery I’ve started to run, for happiness but hopefully with the added bonus of weight loss. 3 years post birth I still would love to lose at least a stone. We all struggle even if we are on other sides of the Atlantic Puddle.
Thanks for the solidarity! I lost all the baby weight and more in just 2 months when I was depressed. Everyone kept telling me how healthy I looked and I was the most unhealthy I’ve ever been. Now, I am heavier than I was when I delivered my daughter. I’ve decided that as long as I’m exercising regularly I will try to feel good about how far I’ve come. I have a rich life with my family now. I wouldn’t trade it for the pounds.
I lost 55lbs after my 3rd son was born. Quite an accomplishment. When I had to go on anti depressants after the weight loss, I gained almost all of it back. I have had 5 more kids since then and have not been able to take it off. I lose weight after the initial delivery but as soon as the babies are weaned, the weight creeps on. I’m convinced that the anti depressants screwed up my metabolism. Now age is a factor as well. Thanks for the solidarity.