Today over at Sharing the Journey, Lauren Hale has written what I think is a very wonderful piece about anniversaries.Moms who have had perinatal mood or anxiety disorders may look at the anniversaries of their experiences, and their children's birthdays, from a different perspective than other moms. It can be painful to look back on what you went through, even if you have survived and are healthy and happy. As Lauren writes:
Many women struggle when reaching their child’s first birthday, their hospitalization date, miscarriage date, or the date on which they lost a child. These are all events that leave more than a glancing blow. The fight to return to the “new normal” is an uphill battle. And once the “new normal” arrives and you’ve unpacked the last box, there’s a looming date trouncing your way ever so cheerfully. Sure you can bob and weave but even the best of us may find ourselves down for the count after a few sucker punches.
A fellow PPD warrior mom, Helen Crawford, shared with me that her 1yr anniversary was very traumatic. She could smell/hear the memories of the year before. “My fingers burned. I talked with my therapist. Surviving severe depression is like surviving extreme trauma. I took the finger burning as a reminder to ‘love myself more’ and say thank you to my body.”
I'm so glad Lauren is talking about this. Go read her whole story, and her tips for getting through.
So glad you are bringing this topic up. I was very surprised how much the anniversary of my depression/anxiety affected me – especially since it was during Thanksgiving/Christmas so I had clear memories & comparisons to the year before. I felt happy that I made it through, sad that I missed out on so much the year before and terrified it could happen to me again.
Anniversaries are an aspect of the Postpartum experience not many people talk about which is why I decided to dust it off. It's so important to know that it's OK and normal to have these emotions crop up the following (or more) year. Just as with everyday advice for Postpartum moms, it is SO important to remember to take time for yourself on your anniversary days!
I am glad you made it through and wish you many happy future Thanksgiving/Christmases!
Warmest,
Lauren
I too have bizarre flashbacks, almost everyday but especially during the anniversary which was this past November & December. I can remember how terrible and worthless I felt. I'm trying to get to a place where I don't think about my bout with PPD as often. I'm always afraid PPD will somehow happen again, even though I DH and I don't plan to have anymore children because of it. PPD was by far one of the most dreadful times of my life. I'm comforted the hear there are other women who have survived PPD and feel the same way about their experience.
PPD and anxiety are so unbelievably traumatic that I think we all have a bit of post-traumatic stress disorder during recovery and even after we have recovered. Seven years down the road after my recovery I can honestly say I have no flashbacks or fears, but I can tell you that for those first few years it was always in the back of my mind. That goes away too, thankfully.
Great series Lauren!
Katherine's reply to Ann…. I am also in the middle of PP/OCD and to see you write that response to Ann……… helps me because I know that you too had the OCD that I now have. I KNOW it's going to linger for a few years.
Cass
I have been there in all of PPOCD's horrible glory. It couldn't have sucked more. But it goes away with help. Completely.
And it's not so much that the PPOCD lingers for a few years, necessarily, at least for me. It's that the shock of having had it doesn't quite leave for a while. You have to be patient with yourself and realize it takes time to get over any trauma, including one related to mental health. The trauma doesn't impact me anymore. It did for a while, but that's gone now. I believe I can say that because I had great help. And I know that if I ever slide back for any reason I can go back and access that help immediately. It's comforting to know that.