There are some amazing stories out there RIGHT now about women surviving through postpartum depression.
"As I look back on those months that felt so barren, so hard, so agonizing as I struggled with so much pain–so so so much pain–I remember the pain. I remember it so well. But I don't feel the regret or the shame I did just months ago. I feel deep love, deep joy, at the baby who was growing, and the mama who was growing and healing. Not long ago I could hardly read or hear a happy account of a birth, of a mom's first months with her baby, without drowning in shame, regret, anger. I hated myself for my experience. I hated that it was my story. But, now, now, I feel such gentle love–such tender love–for myself and for my story. I feel joy."
It really resonated with me when she wrote about an album that she listened to both during her dark days and now. It's interesting how music can playa part in our experience. I know it did in mine.
When I was in the throes of postpartum OCD, I remember just happening to catch a performance on one of the morning shows — The Today Show, maybe, or GMA? — out of the corner of my eye. It wasgospel musicianDonnie McClurken. I had never heard of him before that moment. Up to that point I wasn't an owner of a single gospel album,but his performancereally moved me and I immediately bought the CD, "Live in London".
Hissong "We Fall Down" was my daily theme. The lyrics were very simple, and completely relevant:
We fall down, but we get up.
We fall down, but we get up.
We fall down, but we get up.
Cause a saint is just a sinner who fell down, and got up.
Thanks Donnie, for your soothing music during that time. I kept getting up.
If music has played a similar role for you, please share. Tell us whathelped getyou through.
For me it has been reading fiction. I am 15 months postpartum and just this past month FINALLY sought help for the depression/anxiety/ ocd I have been experiencing since the day of my little man's birth. I was placed on low dosage Zoloft and am receiving talk therapy. But, I truly believe what has been a BIG help, also, is that I started reading again. Not the normal baby/toddler books or baby websites I have been reading the last 2 years or so, but fiction. It has been such an escape for me. I am able to get out of my own head and not obsess about all the things that we tend to obsess about with PPOCD. I have been careful, though, in my selection of books as to not choose any that could be a trigger for me.
Heather, thanks for pointing out something other than music. There are lots of different things that we can find comfort in.
I also like how creative people are about remembering their experiencing. Like this mom who made a quilt: .
I blogged about how the songs "Let It Fade" and "The Motions" helped me so much when I was in the throes of my severe PPD…(Not so) "coincidentally" "Let It Fade" would play at least every other time I got into my car in the parking garage of my psychiatrist's office. Here's the link:
http://atlantappdmom.blogspot.com/2009/04/going-t…
This music blessed me in so many ways, using the image of allowing my old life to gradually and gracefully fade away and to peacefully accept this new life God had given me as a Call. Thanks for bringing up that various things can help- though meds and therapy aren't soon to be replaced by listening to the radio as a PPD treatment! 🙂
I just the documentary "Young at Heart" a while back(an elderly singing group that does punk songs). Near the end, they are grieving the death of a member of their group. A very old guy sits onstage in a chair, with his oxygen on, and sings "Fix You" by Coldplay. I looked up the lyrics, and now I sing this song to myself a lot (here are the ones that speak to me):
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
And high up above earth or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Aww, thanks so much for the love. It means so much. I'm going to have to go check out the album you mention!
For me it was "If Today was Your Last Day" by Nickleback..good message that reminds you how precious life is…Also, Fighter by Christina Agulaira
Thought John Mayer's "Say" came out long after my journey through depression and PTSD, it still makes me well up. It's that crucial reminder, set to music: "Say what you need to say." For so long, I was too ashamed to say anything or tell anyone I was slowly dying inside. And now I know speaking my truth saved my life.
Sarah McLachlan's cd "Afterglow" felt so relevant to me just after my daughter's birth. I can remember singing the whole album to my days-old baby girl as I struggled with the onset of a manic episode.
From Trainwreck:
‘Cause I'm a trainwreck
Waiting to happen
Waiting for someone to come
Pick me up off the tracks
From Push:
Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affection
You’ve seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land
And, during my first painfully-long night in the psych ward, this song was on my mind:
Night lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady me now
for I am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone
I am happy to say that I've been healthy for nearly three years!
I remembered one more song that was important to me:
Answer by Sarah McLachlan:
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
As an avid music lover – I have musician friends, and still make time to go to shows often, even with two small children at home. Music for me was a HUGE help in recovery. For 16 months, and counting these multi-talented musicians have been on my I-Pod continuously: Joseph Arthur, David Poe and The Frames. Why? Their songs and words have been where I have been.
Thanks so much for all the great lyrics and song suggestions. It's amazing what a well-written chorus can do to help us claw our way through the dark times.
Proof of how therapeutic music and art can be! Wish i could find a picture of the quilt, but it says the photo is no longer available.
I try to listen to lots of different types of music. A song I recently heard, by Skillet, called "Monster", really spoke to how I feel in those dark periods. The lyrics are very powerful, for me at least.
Just after I delivered my son, my husband bought me a P!nk CD. LOVE IT. One of my favourite songs on the CD was Ave Mary A. Something about the sentence Child Be Still…touches my core.
Ave Mary A
Motorcycles in the parking lot
Revving their engines and it just won’t stop
Matches and noise screaming in my head
Houston I think we got a problem
Where does everybody go when they go?
They go so fast, I don’t think they know
We hate so fast and we love too slow
London I think we got a problem
And when I think about it
I just can’t think about it
I try to drink about it
I keep spinning
Ave Mary A
Where did you go?
Where did you go?
How did you know to get out of a world gone mad?
Help me let go
Of the chaos around me, the devil that hounds me
I need you to tell me
Child, be still
Child be still
Broken hearts all around the spot
I can’t help thinkin that we lost the plot
Suicide bomber and a student shot
Tokyo I think we got a problem
But for that they got a pill
If that don’t kill you, then the side effects will
If we don’t kill each other, then the side effects will
Cape Town I think we got a problem
Ave Mary A
Where did you go?
Where did you go?
How did you know to get out of a world gone mad?
Help me let go
Of the chaos around me, the devil that hounds me
I need you to tell me
Child, be still
If the darkest hour comes before the light…
Where is the light?Where is the light?
If the darkest hour comes before the light…
Where is the light?Where is the light?
Where is the light?
Yeah
Ave Mary A
Where did you go?
Where did you go?
How did you know to get out of a world gone mad?
Help me help me let go
Of the chaos around me, the devil that hounds me
I need you to tell me
Child, be still
Child, be still
Child, be still
Actually, my husband and I decided to take a drive to get away from everything and we just heard this on the radio. So appropriate for how I'm feeling right now…and probably like so many other women right now. It's called United States of Pop 2009 by DJ Earworm. It's a mash up of many popular songs of 2009.
It's starts off with:
"So don’t worry, even if the sky is falling down, down, down
Gonna be ok when it knocks you down, down, down,
So baby don’t worry, it’s alright, a-alright when it knocks you down
When you go down, when you go down down
No need to worry, just pick back up when you’re tumbling down, down, down (down, down)"
Here's the link to the youtube video:
I was pretty excited to share it with you all!!
I've always found that music can greatly affect me. On any given day, the right choice of music can provide a cadence to which I can keep putting one foot in front of the other. And in different places, there are certain songs that help keep my thoughts moving forward, too, or at very least away from the places they ought not to go.
In the crying, guilt-filled despair of my first postpartum depression experience, one song on the radio touched me again and again. Bethany Dillon's Sing Over Me.
I live in the wonder of Your love
You rise like the sun in my heart
Even when the night draws near to me
There You are
I will wade in the water of mercy
I will walk in the light of Your will
Whatever should come against me
Teach me to be still
As you
Sing over me
Draw me close to rest in Your peace
Sing over me
Oh, sing
I tracked down the CD and bought it, and listened to it many times half-conscious as I sat nursing, or pumping, or feeding, or just crying, weary. "Sing Over Me: Worship Songs and Lullabyes" turned out to be a wellspring for me. It's a collection of songs from a number of female artists, all mothers themselves. I still go back to it, and have new favourites now, including "You Are Good" by Nichole Nordeman and Erin O'Donnell. I've given copies of the CD away to other mothers since.
I think the best thing about music is it's so portable. It can get under your skin and into your head, sometimes even before you've really heard it. And once it's there it goes with us. We can put it on repeat in our heads, telling us to 'be still,' 'get up,' 'hold on,' or just that someone's been there. And the abstraction of poetry in lyrics can help put words or even a picture to things we can't (or are afraid to) otherwise express.
Thanks again to everyone who shared their musical inspirations. This is great!