When you are in the thick of antenatal or postpartum depression/anxiety/OCD/panic/PTSD (hello, laundry list!), you do whatever you can to get through.
Last night on the Twitter #ppdchat, there was a brief discussion of some of the coping mechanisms we use during this time. I wanted to mention them, only because I think it's important for you to see you aren't the only one doing these things.
Locking yourself in the bathroom — I didn't really lock myself in, now that I think about it, considering my 10-week old wasn't likely to come walking in on me. But I went in there more than once, sat on the toilet seat and cried until I could cry no more. I avoided looking in the bathroom mirror because I didn't want to see what a mess I was. I distinctly remember saying to myself over and over, "I can't do this. I just can't do this."
Sobbing in the shower — I can remember standing in the shower crying my eyes out. What is it about showers, anyway? Something about the water rushing over you makes it easier to let it all out. Plus, no one can tell if you are crying or your face is just wet.
Going to bed — Some of us do whatever we can to get into our beds and hide under the covers, as if to shut out the world outside. It gets hot and stuffy under the covers, but when you are miserable, what does it matter?
Busying, busying busy bees — Others find every way they can to keep themselves busy and refuse to stop moving even for a second, because if they stop moving they'll have to think about how they feel. That was me. I scrubbed bottles. I washed clothes. I rearranged the changing table incessantly. Never. Stopped. Moving.
These are just some of the things we do. Have you done them? Can you see you are not alone or a bad mother for doing them? What else have you done to cope? To let it out?