Warrior Moms Are Key to Fighting Stigma

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Susan and Tiny BeanI had the thrill and honor recently to attend the recent Special Legislative Commission on PPD meeting with Representative Ellen Story this month.  My new friend (and fierce advocate and mental health professional) Mara Acel-Green extended an invitation to the open meeting – and upon walking in, I was floored by the feeling that Postpartum Progress belonged in the room.

The Commission invited Deborah Wachenheim to speak about her sister Cindy, whose story was featured in The New York Times earlier this year. Listening to Deb speak about the events leading up to her sister’s postpartum psychosis and death, I was struck by the genuine interest and concern of the room.  This was a meeting full of top tier mental health and birth professionals, legislators, and non-profit leaders.  Their heartfelt appreciation for Deb’s willingness to share something so personal (and freshly raw) and thoughtful questions gave me hope that the meeting was not just government lip service.

As the meeting progressed, organizations checked in with progress reports, included MCPAP for Moms, the Department of Public Health and the Community Health Center pilot programs.  Throughout each of their discussions, time and time again, the question that kept resurfacing was “How do we make sure screened mothers are being supported after their diagnosis?”

What these doctors are really concerned about is How do we get moms to follow through with their diagnosis and treatment?  The Commission has been focused up until this point primarily on training primary care physicians, pediatricians, and birth care workers on screening for postpartum mood and anxiety disorders.  But as any survivor can tell you, screening and diagnosis (though absolutely essential) are only the first of many hurdles on the path to wellness.  As suggestions were shared, I noticed that their solutions all focused on actionable items for healthcare workers.  And it seemed to me they were missing a piece of the puzzle.

Postpartum Progress doesn’t just “drop kick despair.”  It kicks stigma in the teeth.

After my own diagnosis, 5 months postpartum, I continued to struggle for almost 6 months with treatment compliance.  It wasn’t that I refused treatment, but instead that I was still struggling with so much shame that I just couldn’t comply.  Depression and anxiety rob a person of their sense of truth and rationality.  Psychosis steals reality itself.  How anyone could expect me to take responsibility for my own mental health treatment in 2009 still leaves me in disbelief.

I attended therapy regularly but fought against taking medications.  And though I knew the right answers to my therapist’s questions and believed them on some level, deep down I still carried such stigma about mental illness that I couldn’t separate myself from my disorders.  Not until I found Postpartum Progress.

Reading stories of other mothers just like me, I found my own courage reflected back to me.  Here were women who had battled the same terrible thoughts, who had raged at their babies, and who had felt worthless in their roles as mothers – and I looked up to every. single. one.  Postpartum Progress doesn’t just “drop kick despair.”  It kicks stigma in the teeth.

This is why I credit Postpartum Progress and #PPDCHAT with saving my life.  Not because Katherine Stone or Lauren Hale treated my anxiety and depression, but because they showed me I was worth saving – that I could and would get better.

This is what legislators, healthcare professionals, and non-profit organizations need to know: the key to getting mothers to follow through with treatment?  Is to disintegrate the stigma.  No one does that better than the Warrior Moms.

I’ll be meeting with the Commission staff and other Massachusetts organizations in the coming months to make sure Postpartum Progress is a part of the important conversations they are having about treating and supporting mothers during and after pregnancy – because the patient community?  Is that final piece of the puzzle.

 

Author’s Note: Postpartum Progress recently collected survey data from its Warrior Mom community and FaceBook fan page.  75% of respondents indicated that Postpartum Progress increased their likelihood to seek professional help for their condition.  You can read the entire report HERE.

photo credit: Susan Petcher

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Authenticity Instead of Perfection

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decoy momAuthenticity is defined as real, not false or imitation. Original. Genuine. This is what we should strive for as women, as mothers, as people. To be that which we are deep down instead of cookie cutter copies of those around us. It’s only when we dare to step out of our comfort zone that we will boldly begin to live our lives. Strive for authenticity instead of perfection. Dare to be you, even if that means walking around with spit up on your shoulder and gummy bears stuck to your shirt. Motherhood isn’t glamourous but it’s one of the best jobs in the whole world.

Colorful jars sit atop a shelf in a misty and humid room. Running water slides down her skin as she lathers up with the latest in moisturizing body wash which promises to make her skin glow with youth. She washes her hair with shampoo and conditioner to make it thick, silky, and soft.

As she exits the shower, the drying process begins – softly – so as not to leave any red marks or heaven forbid, pull skin in the wrong direction. Pat the face dry then move down to her toes. She folds the towel in thirds and places it neatly back on the rod before she wraps her hair in a smaller towel.

Grabbing a toothbrush, she measures out the whitening toothpaste and gets to work. Rinses, then gargles with mouthwash to ensure bad breath stays at bay. Then, moisturizer. While that soaks in, she puts on her undergarments. A bra with an underwire and underwear that promises to hold in her stomach which has nurtured the lives of her children close for the past few years. She frowns. Back to the bathroom.

She reaches for the first layer of glow, then dots on concealer. Waits for it to dry before applying an overall foundation and gently blending it together to hide the exhaustion and stress marching across her face. Next up, eye liner and eye shadow. They make the eyes more open and energetic. Mascara goes on next, gently, the kind that lengthens the lashes because again, more awake and conscious. Less tired.

Then she puts on blush to cheer her cheeks up, smiling as she carefully brushes up, not down – happy, not sad, she whispers to herself.

She takes down her hair and gives it a tousle. Plugs in the hair dryer and gives her hair a once over, then pulls it into a messy bun and pokes a pretty bobby pin with a gorgeous flower on it into the base of the bun. Walks into the closet and chooses whatever isn’t wrinkled or covered in baby food stains. Grabs a pretty pair of heels then over to the jewelry box to select accessories.

A small hand tugs on her silk skirt and she looks down.

“Mama? You look beee-yooo-tea-fahllll. Hug?” her middle daughter asks, covered in chocolate from whatever snack she just finished devouring.

So the mother leans down and gives the child a hug, knowing she will have to change her clothes. She sends her daughter on her way, and walks back into the closet, stripping as she goes. A new outfit selected, she makes it to the car with no child-induced stains on her pretty clothes.

She turns the key, unlocks the door, and slides into the driver’s seat, throwing her miniature purse on the passenger seat beside her. Exhaling, she checks her makeup one last time to be sure she looks human and not like some exhausted creature just waking up from hibernation. She doesn’t. She turns the key, starts the music, and backs out of the driveway.

Transformation into Decoy Mom complete.

Decoy Mom is a mom who goes through great lengths to hide how her life is really going, to hide the authenticity of her fight. Every stitch must be perfect, every thing in it’s place, nothing negative to be found anywhere. And yet, inside, everything is falling apart. Her heart, her life, her soul – it’s all cracked and crumbling.

I’m not saying that a Mom who has it all pulled together is definitively falling apart. Nor am I saying that a Mom who doesn’t have it all pulled together is authentically herself. What I am saying is that we are all “covers” when we are with people and some of us are even “covers” when we are alone. As the previous post by Katherine pointed out, you can’t tell when a mom has a Perinatal Mood & Anxiety Disorder just by looking. We are good at hiding it.

We choose what pieces of ourselves to share and what pieces of ourselves to hide. We are not expected to be fully authentic with anyone unless WE choose to do so. But we should absolutely be at least fully sharing ourselves with ourselves. In order to be authentic with anyone at all, you have to first be authentic with yourself. Being authentic with yourself is a difficult practice but a necessary one. As Brene Brown says,

“Authenticity is a daily practice.”

Stop hiding behind a mask, telling yourself lies about who or what you are inside and outside. Take a hard look inside. Explore. Make a list of everything that is there whether it is good or bad. Work to improve or re-frame the bad (sometimes, negative traits can be utilized for positive things – are you firm & harsh? Figure out how to rein that in by using compassion and understanding). Expand the good, let go of the negative. Focus on flipping the script.

Figure out what you want out of life this year, make a list, then break it down into smaller goals. Don’t let the big things overwhelm you and don’t let yourself become Decoy Mom.

Be the authentic Mom, wife, sister, cousin, aunt, and YOU that you were meant to be. Stop hiding her under layers of crap. You might find that you have more time (and energy) to BE you if you give up all the hiding.

(photo sourced from: https://flic.kr/p/dy8tQr)

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Navigating Your Perinatal Mood or Anxiety Disorder

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8363033986_503c7a47f3As a mom with bipolar disorder who blogs openly about my experiences surviving a postpartum mood disorder, people often ask my opinion on ways to deal with and manage their diagnosis. I am not a medical professional, so I hesitate to even answer these emails. But my heart tells me I need to address their questions.

Having been in the same shoes not long ago, I remember the desperate desire to connect with others who had gone through something similar. Back then, people weren’t talking as openly about mental illness, the stigma was thick and heavy, and I felt as though I was harboring a shameful secret. It wasn’t until I found Postpartum Progress that I truly felt I had found a group of women who understood.

So I get it when other moms, and sometimes dads, write to me about their story, asking for advice on what to do after receiving a diagnosis. They’re looking for the same connection I found. The same searching that led me to join this community.

Here are my suggestions: [Read more...]

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A Whole Lotta Warrior Moms Say Thank You, Katherine, for 10 AMAZING Years

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Katherine ComputerI dove headfirst into blogging about Perinatal Mood & Anxiety Disorders because of Karen Kleiman.

But I grew into an online advocate because of Katherine Stone. She embraced me as I fumbled through the early days of running a blog, a website for struggling women, and my third pregnancy after two terrifying episodes of Postpartum OCD (which, incidentally, is what Katherine also struggled with during her experience with a PMAD).

If I had a question about something online, I turned to Katherine. She always got back to me and sometimes prodded me to do more and be more involved. More importantly, she always treated me as if I were equal to her, this amazing woman who had no fear about discussing the nitty gritty about PMAD’s online.

Postpartum Support International dragged me onto FB but where I flourished was on Twitter. I noticed, back in the early days of Twitter, that people were having these “parties” for certain products. I thought to myself, why can’t we do that for PPD? I floated the idea by Katherine and a couple other bloggers (Amber and Ivy). They were absolutely on board and Katherine whole-heartedly supported the beginning of #PPDChat.

#PPDChat is now the go-to hashtag for PMAD support on FB. There’s a closed FB group with over 350 members. I may have started it, but it wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for the experience, support, and genuine caring flowing from Katherine in my early online days.

She inspires more than simple advocacy (although few of us would dare call it simple – it is EXHAUSTING but worthy), she saves lives, she kicks stigma in the ass repeatedly, and genuinely cares about the people who reach out to her.

I don’t think she has any idea how many lives she has changed. How many advocates now exist because of her decision to live her life out loud. To stand up, shouting until she is heard, when the world expects us to sit down and be quiet. The passion in her heart far exceeds capacity and overflows abundantly to those around her.

To her family, a sincere and heartfelt thank you as well for sharing the woman of your lives with us. For without your support, all of us would not be the women we are today. I would be remiss to not acknowledge your important role in Katherine’s work.

Be proud – your wife, your mother, your daughter – she saves lives.

Below are several blog posts, written by women who celebrate how Katherine has affected their lives. To read them, you will need a box of Kleenex. These are women from all walks of life, women who found themselves covered in the dark mud of a PMAD but were yanked out of it by Katherine or found Katherine after they found their way out and now reach down behind them along with Katherine to rescue others who find themselves trapped in the mud hole of a Perinatal Mood & Anxiety Disorder. (Because let’s face it, no one wants to go muddin’ in a PMAD!)

Katherine, you’re changing the world with every breath you take, every stroke of the keyboard, every post, every outreach, every encounter, every awkward step outside of your comfort zone. You are loved, your work has wrapped the world over and made it a brighter place. We are always climbing out of the darkness with you and we will never stop.

Keep on keepin’ on, lady.

You’re not alone, and neither are we.

 

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Jenny @ Tranquilamama: My Lifeline Through PPD & PPA

Robin @ Farewell Stranger: Postpartum Progress: 10 Years of Magic

Jennifer @ Bipolar Mom Life: The Relief In Finding Postpartum Progress

Danielle @ Velveteen Mama: My Postpartum Progress

Charity @ Giggles & Grimaces: Hope In A Computer

Jenny @ Jenny Kavensky’s Blog: It Takes a Village

Erin @ Erin Margolin: Happy Tenth Anniversary, Postpartum Progress

Morra Aarons-Mele @ Women & Work: In Celebration of Katherine Stone and 10 years of Postpartum Progress

Tina Duepner @ The Duepners: Cheers to 10 Years

Esther @ Journey Through PPD: Happy 10th Anniversary To Postpartum Progress

Ravion Lee @ Vain Mommy: Postpartum Progress Turns 10: The Woman Behind The Change

Kristina @ Sew Curly: Postpartum Progress Is 10

Rita Arens @ Surrender Dorothy: In Celebration of Katherine Stone

Katie Sluiter @ Sluiter Nation: I Am Not Alone and Neither are You

Cristi Comes @ Motherhood Unadorned: Postpartum Progress: Kicking Ass for 10 Years!

Tabatha @ Tabulous: A Love Letter To The Woman Who Saved My Life

Susan @ Learned Happiness: First and Last: Happy Anniversary, Postpartum Progress!

Deborah Forhan Rimmler via My Postpartum Voice: Guest Post – On Meeting An Angel

Beth @ Beth Bone: Thank You Just Doesn’t Seem Enough

Andrea @ Good Girl Gone Redneck: Happy 10th Anniversary, Postpartum Progress

Julia Roberts (not THAT one, the other one!) via Postpartum Progress: The Man Behind the Woman Behind Postpartum Progress

Jess @ Just Jess In the ATX (note – this was not written for the anniversary specifically but was shared to the FB page for the blogathon to show the impact Katherine had on Jess’ life and recovery, therefore, it’s shared here): Picture Perfect 

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