I’m not on my SSRI anymore. It happened accidentally-I would get so scatterbrained with work and taking care of the twins plus the preschooler that I would totally forget for a day, then take it the next day and swear I wouldn’t do it again. That happened over and over for months. Then one day became three. Three became a week. Then one day I realized that it had been two weeks since I had taken one and it was an opportunity for a hard choice.
I had been considering getting off of it-this time around it was more of a precaution to ward off PPD/A since I was the poster child. I had talked at length with my husband and toyed around with the idea with my doctor. We decided to go for it, though I knew I had a hard road of withdrawals ahead and I would need to work extra hard to put what I had learned in therapy into practice.
After a few more days of feeling off but otherwise ok, I turned into a cranky grizzly bear. I cried constantly and my emotions were roller coaster to say the least. I had headaches and I was exhausted, but I pushed through.
A week later my coworker commented on how I looked like weight was off of my shoulders and I was much more level-headed than the week prior. She could actually tell that I had gotten over my withdrawal symptoms and I seemed happier. That was really nice to hear, because I’m always worried about how my emotions present themselves.
Two months off and I’m feeling pretty good. I still have my moments. I’ve always been a crier– after not being able to have a good cry when I needed the emotional release for nearly four years, the tears are welcome. No one has pulled me aside to tell me they think I need to get back on them, so for now I’ll take that as a positive sign too.
I’m relearning to operate in a stressful world without the thing that has helped me get through a lot of hard stuff. Sometimes I wonder if my emotions and reactions are a result of my history, or if they’re just normal feelings related to raising a strong-willed preschooler and infant twins. Or is it that I’ve changed so much as a person in the last four years that I don’t know quite what to expect of myself? It’s probably a little bit of everything. Raising kids is HARD. It’s emotionally and physically draining-I’ve had to grow up and make changes I never dreamed of. It’s confusing, and ugly and beautiful and the best thing I’ve ever done all rolled into one. 
When I’m having a rough go, chatting with other moms to find out that they’re all going through the same things helps me feel normal and gives me the boost I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Medicated or not, surrounding myself with real, honest moms was [is] a huge part of my recovery success and one of the best things I could’ve done.
I know that there’s a chance I may need to take SSRI medication again in the future. I needed it once before kids and I needed it for nearly four years after. I’m ok with what the future holds in that department-either way, I know that I’m always going to be trying to be the best me I can be for my three children and my husband. That won’t ever change.
Thanks for posting this – it gives me hope! My doc and I decided to start stepping down from my SSRI over a month ago, and I’ve been completely off of it for a little over a week. I feel weird, and a little like a raw nerve, but I can slowly feel myself regaining control. All on my own! It’s great to hear from moms on the other side, so that I know it’s possible. Best wishes to you, Lindsay!!
Thank you, and best wishes to you, too! No matter what happens, you’ve done the best thing by taking care of yourself.
Good for you! Although, I hate that you think of your medication as a crutch to cope. It is so not! And it took me a long time to believe it as that is the reason I didn’t seek help with PPD sooner. It is another solution and not meant for everyone. And it does not make you weak that you used medicine to manage emotions that otherwise out of control. Ii am at a point at testing the waters in weaning off my meds. But I like the person I am in them. And afraid of going back to the uncontrollable mess that I was 9 months ago. Please consider what you said and realize there are many people on here dealing with similar issues and word choice can be misinterpreted to lead them down paths that are not as helpful.
I don’t consider the word crutch to be a negative thing-I knew and still know it is exactly what I needed to bridge a gap and help me be the best I could be for my kids. I’ve written before that if it turns out I need to be on something forever, I’m ok with that fact. But you’re right, some people do have a negative word association with that word so I changed it. Thank you for your input.
Lindsay, thanks for writing about something a little different. I love this site, but don’t exactly fit into ppd anymore because my youngest is 2 plus 5 months. I did somehow end up with pretty severe anxiety the past 9 mo. Just started meds again. It helped for 6 weeks. Now I am so anxious again. I love talking to other moms it helps. I said I didn’t want to take meds again after the ppd! I had terrible withdrawal for a month. But, my doc and counselor said they thought I needed to. Anyway, I want to workout and take omega 3 and all that other stuff they say helps. I can’t seem to do it. I can barely get my laundry and meals done though. Anyway. Thanks.
hi hi .. please see my comment about what helped me. I’ve not tried rhodiola but its meant to be very gd for anxiety and depression.
im also on bio identical hormones. I recently didn’t restock my testosterone and 7-10 days later, I felt de.pressed!! no energy, motivation, very flat/low mood, slowed movements. I got more testosterone from my “wellness dr” & a day or two later I literally got the bounce back in my step and much more positive mood. I found in a similar manner, that progesterone keeps me calm (I was raging at strangers in public when I stopped for 2 weeks).
good luck ..look after yourself for you first and then you will be well enough to look after your family
xx
Nickole, take care of yourself however you need to. There’s no shame in getting back on if that’s what helps you be the best you. And as for barely getting laundry and meals done-I hear you!
This is such a great post. I was toying with the idea of getting medication from my doctor, and I feel like I definitely want to re-think that decision. You are right though….maybe we do react to current situations and child-raising drama from our clouded history and whatever past turmoil we have. I like to think “now”, that I can make things different for my kids (and not ruin them). I get super stressed and feel I cannot deal with my youngest at times-having to leave the room and hide in the bathroom to count to 10 before I freaked out even more than what I had just done. Maybe this is God’s way of teaching me patience. At any rate, I wish you luck with mommyhood and am sure you will find your way. Cheers!
Only you and your doctor can decide what is right for you. I’m glad I took it for as long as I did because it was what I needed, and it isn’t for everyone, but there’s no shame in getting help with hard stuff in any shape or form.
hi Lindsay. . congrats and well done! ! its cause to celebrate!
.I commented on another post of yrs regarding what helped me once I tapered off antidepressants. st johns wort didn’t seem to make a difference so I gave b12 sublingual tablets (or in liquid drop form) ..no more angry outbursts! !Im calmer and can handle stress much better – juuust barely coped with 4 wks of a nonstop schedule of appointments and events for 2 kids and 2 pets lol! I did listen to myself and started saying no or not attending events. Please try b12 tabs or drops.
I also mentioned bio identical hormones (diff to pharmaceutical drugs) which keep my anger and mood even. & adaptogenic herb Rhodiola (not tried but heard many good things and reviews of via dr oz and iherb.com).
congrats again..so gd to be off meds 🙂
I’ll keep that in mind-so glad that’s working for you!
Lindsay, I’m so glad you are feeling well. You mention that you toyed around with the idea of going off the medications with your doctor and I think that is an important idea to highlight for other women — please don’t wean from medications without guidance from your doctor and the proper support around you. I made that mistake myself once (missed once dose of my SSRI, then two, still felt ok, etc, etc) and weeks later it ended up being a very painful experience with my anxiety symptoms coming back in full force. I just offer this as a reminder to other women who may be considering weaning from their medications — we shouldn’t try to do it on our own. Best of luck to you.
Exactly-this should ALWAYS be done under the care of a doctor. Thank you for highlighting that!
How badly I want to be off meds! There are so many days/times I think my meds in fact are making me worse! My anxieties and my depression, etc. How do I know that it is working? It has worked for me in years passed but post baby (3 years postpartum now!), I have yet to feel stable. I will be seeing my doctor tomorrow afternoon and will be having a very honest discussion about options. I just know this can NOT be as good as I get. 🙁
Hi. I am not an expert at all. But, this guy is. My counselor had me watch this YouTube video of dr. Ilardi. Starts with an i! He talks about how depression is a disease caused by the new world we live in. And he has like 6 ways to help cure it. I have not done many of them yet. I really want to. Anyway, what he says it makes some sense. Something to think about. I am also seeing my doc again this week due to my anxiety worsening. Some days I feel like I can not do it. I just want to lay on the couch and cry. Or hide. Oh, there are several videos of him, the one that’s about 20 min long from Ted conference is quick and to the point. Hang in there, everyone. Too bad we all couldn’t get together for group talks. ;))
thank you a million times over. xo
I enjoy walking around the top level of the mall or baby and me yoga.