When I had postpartum OCD in 2001, I had never heard of the illness with which I was eventually diagnosed. I had never heard of postpartum anxiety. I had never heard of intrusive thoughts.
Once I was fortunate enough to find out what was wrong with me, I got pretty pissed off. Why didn't anyone tell me??!?! Certainly it would have helped to have been warned ahead of time that I could experience scary thoughts. It would have saved me the horror of thinking I'd gone irreversibly "crazy" and would never be myself again. I would have reached out for help sooner and not have feared that I would be locked up forever or have my baby taken away from me. Couldn't somebody have at least mentioned it?
You'd think, nine years later, that most physicians would now be aware of the entire spectrum of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, including postpartum anxiety and OCD, but they aren't. Still! Just the other day, Stephanie, who shared her story here with the post "Horror Movies In Her Head", informed me that her doctor just told her he'd never heard of postpartum OCD. It just shows you how much work we still have left to do.
Now, at least, we've got a book. A wonderful book! It's called Dropping the Baby & Other Scary Thoughts: Breaking the Cycle of Unwanted Thoughts in Motherhood. Written by Karen Kleiman and Amy Wenzel, it shares why we have such thoughts, how we can be certain we won't act on them and what we can do to get through them. You can buy it on Amazon! You can read it and see that you are not alone and that you're going to be okay. You can take it to your doctor, spouse, therapist, friend, patient and say "See! It's real. It's an illness. It's not forever."
I know that many of you are as pleased as I am that this book is now available as a source of information and support, so I'm excited to be able to give one away. To participate in the giveaway, please comment below (by no later than Tuesday, 8pm Eastern) by answering any one of the following questions (note: if you're on the Facebook page, you have to come and comment here on the blog to be eligible for the giveaway):
1) If you had/have intrusive or scary thoughts, what is one thing you did/do to manage them, or reduce their impact on you?
2) If you had/have intrusive thoughts, did you share them with anyone and if so, who? If not, why not?
3) If you had a copy of Dropping the Baby & Other Scary Thoughts how would it help you to help yourself or others?
On Wednesday morning I'll do a random drawing of the commenters to pick a winner! Good luck!
Oh, and P.S. I wrote the foreword to this book, which was a complete and total honor of the highest order!
1) If you had/have intrusive or scary thoughts, what is one thing you did/do to manage them, or reduce their impact on you?
Trying to replace them with healthy thoughts or to reduce them by staying away from triggers (like too much information on the internet or reading of books about the "right" way to parent.
2) If you had/have intrusive thoughts, did you share them with anyone and if so, who? If not, why not?
Yes, shared them with close family and friends so they could help me determine which concerns were appropriate new mom thoughts and which were obsessions or irrational.
3) If you had a copy of Dropping the Baby & Other Scary Thoughts how would it help you to help yourself or others?
There are so many women in the support groups I work with who suffer from PPOCD. I'd like to read the book and then have it available for loan so that many can benefit.
I just filled in an online form suggesting that my local public library order this book. Thanks for sharing, Katherine!
I did (and still do occasionally) have intrusive thoughts They are actually what prompted me to finally seek professional help. Admitting that I had thoughts about horrible things was a big step and being able to talk about it with a psychiatrist and therapist has really helped.
1. I stop and take a deep cleaning breath. As I take my deep breath I replace the intrusive thought with a positive thought by thinking about one of the many blessings in my life.
2. I told my husband immediately. I handed him our daughter and told him to keep her away from me because I was afraid that I might hurt her. I am beyond thankful that I knew that I could trust my husband with something so scary, and that he would know that these thoughts weren't me and there was something wrong. Once I discovered that what I was going through had a name and that my thoughts did not mean that I would hurt my daughter I told anyone and everyone who would listen. I am not ashamed of my experience.
3) If you had a copy of Dropping the Baby & Other Scary Thoughts how would it help you to help yourself or others?
Information is power. The more informed I become about postpartum OCD, the less power it has over me. I would love to read and review the book then pass it on to another mom in need.
If you had/have intrusive thoughts, did you share them with anyone and if so, who? If not, why not?
I shared my intrusive thoughts with my husband. I read somewhere that it was important to talk about my thoughts and feelings with him if I was feeling down. I'm glad I had that information, and that he was also informed about postpartum depression so that way he was able to support me.
I also shared my thoughts on my blog, because I felt it was important to speak out. That way, if any of my friends (or even someone who I haven't met) found that post online, they would know that they are not alone in the world.
2. At first I kept it to myself, assuming I was just overly tired. Eventually I started to really worry that I'd become so withdrawn as a result of trying to ignore all the scary thoughts that I came clean to my husband. Luckily he'd dealt with his own depression before and was amazingly supportive. Sometimes just hearing someone else tell you that you aren't crazy and it isn't your fault can make a huge difference.
I am a mother of three and a Clinical Social Worker. I seems like I can't get my hands on enough information about perinatal mental health! It is scary how little professionals really know about postpartum OCD. I work with many young mothers and this book would be helpful to them as well as my colleagues. It would not have time to collect dust on my shelf.
I told my husband right away about the scary thoughts because they scared me so much and just talking to him about it seemed to calm me down enough to realize how untrue they were. My mom was also someone I could talk to and she would just be there for me and reassure me of the person I know I am and not what the scary thoughts made me think I was.
1. I tried my hardest to think of other thoughts, it was horrible, I was have panic attacks and felt like I was falling further down every thought I had.. I would tried to keep busy with whatever I could.
2. No not until I actually found a therapist who understood what I was going thru and then she made me realize I was not alone in my thinking. I still hid it from friends and family until just about 5 months ago and still have not gone into great detail. I honestly believe everyone would label me as the media has with other women.
3. I wish I would have had that book a year ago.. I wish I would have known about this website a year ago. With this book It would have made me realize the most important thing is that I AM NOT ALONE.. that this is serious and it happens to women. That this is treatable and you will recover.
1) If you had/have intrusive or scary thoughts, what is one thing you did/do to manage them, or reduce their impact on you?
I had a few scary thoughts – dropping the baby, going to the bassinet and finding it empty, car accidents, etc. I found that mentally reminding myself that I am being as careful as possible with my baby and that the intrusive thoughts were kind of like a scary dream. I would try to imagine the outcomes as positive and try to put it out of my head. I didn't know other women have these thoughts at the time!
I have been battling PPOCD for 4 1/2 years. For two years I didn't tell anyone what was happening to me. It was all too scary and I was afraid I would lose my children. I'm in therapy and on medication, but am still plagued by the thoughts. It's almost like they have become habit after so long. I would love to read this book and learn to take control over these darn intrusive thoughts.
One month into my severe PPD,PPA,PPOCD, two teenage girls committed suicide on the train tracks located in my back yard. It was about 3 blocks up from my home. I heard the train blowing for about a full 3 minutes non stop and then I knew something was wrong. Well, the ironic thing about it was, I was experiencing my intrusive thoughts when it happened. I was extremely vulnerable. Every time I heard the train, I imagined myself jumping in front of it! Although I never experienced intense thoughts about hurting my son, I had suicidal thoughts almost all day, every day. I did have thoughts about my son a lot but it didn't cause as much anxiety as the suicidal thoughts did. I thought one time, "what if I puncture his soft spot!?" that thought scared me. I became so fearful of what I would do I would sit on my couch day in and day out pretty much catatonic. I forced myself not to move. Driving to the hospital I was scared of throwing myself out the car door. I had actual visions of me putting a gun to my head in my backyard and ending it all. However, I did not want to die! I just wanted to sleep!!! And I just wanted to feel better. Now, 9 months postpartum I still get fleeting thoughts. It is not every train that goes by, and I now know that it would really flippin' hurt! I want to live, enjoy my family, and help other women who suffer this devastating illness. It was absolutely the hardest battle I have ever fought in my life. Thanks to my psychiatrist, my celexa/wellbutrin combo., the 4 day hospital stay, and my son's innocent smile, I am still here today.
1) If you had/have intrusive or scary thoughts, what is one thing you did/do to manage them, or reduce their impact on you?
I've had two babies, and have experienced intrusive thoughts both times. The first time, I was scared out of my mind, and thought I must be crazy, but I was very closeted about it. I didn't talk about it. I didn't seek help. When my daughter was about 18 months old, I finally started reading about how this is REAL and how it's, if not really normal, common. When I had my son, and those thoughts came back, I did not hesitate to talk to my doctor about it and get on Zoloft. It was like a switch was flipped, and the anxiety and obsessive thoughts were eliminated almost immediately. Pride kept me from medication from a long time, but it has been, possibly literally, a lifesaver.
2) If you had/have intrusive thoughts, did you share them with anyone and if so, who? If not, why not?
When my daughter was born, I shared my thoughts with my husband; thankfully, he was not freaked out. Gradually I started opening up more with friends (on Livejournal and Facebook and in person), and lately I've been very outspoken about postpartum OCD (and other postpartum mood disorders), talking about it A LOT. I don't want any other mothers to be caught off-guard.
3) If you had a copy of Dropping the Baby & Other Scary Thoughts how would it help you to help yourself or others?
This past summer I went through DONA postpartum doula training, and this would be a very welcome addition to my growing library. Not only would I devour the book to help myself, but I would lend it to any mother (or other doula) who might need it. This is such an important issue to me. If I don't win it, I'll buy it! 🙂
I had involuntary thoughts about my little girl having a fatal accident so that I could have my life back to 'normal'. More specifically I imagined the book shelf above her change table coming down on her head and her bedding coming up over head level and suffocating her. Unfortunately I had no idea wot I was experiencing at the time and so was too scared to speak out. So wot I did was stopped using the change table and stopped sleeping so I cud keep an eye on her. I ended up having a break down and was taken into my docs surgery. There in front of my husband I told the doc about my thoughts and got the help I needed. My husband spoke to my family about my thoughts and then they helped me reduce the affects, they sat down and discussed wot we cud do and then my husband went and put reinforcing brackets under the shelf and my mum bought big blankets that cud b tucked right under the matress so that babys own weight held them down so they cudnt b pulled up any further. I am so grateful to my family for taking these thoughts seriously for me instead of telling me not to b silly. Bcos I found no support in my area and didn't no where to turn I set up a facebook page 'post natal depression uk – Scarborough & surrounding area'. On this I hav a section in which to post book reviews, I wud therefore read it & post in there, I cud use the info gleaned from it to help others & after reading it I wud happily do a similar competition on my page to pass it on xx
I had a terrible time with PPOCD, Over time (2 1/2) years I have began start to feel some what like myself, but I know I have a long way to go. I wish no one would have to go through this but at the same time it is really great to read others experience with it without a ton of negative responses!
I had to start filtering what type of shows I watched and somewhat avoid the news, when I learned that the birth control pill can add to anxiety I stopped taking that and I slowly began to feel a little better, enough to start to really want to help myself, good old fashion arobics really helped me to.
I would use this book to further my healing and help my family understand what I was and still am going through, I heard alot of the things I'm sure alot of you heard, vitamin deficiency, don't be a marter, I just want the old you back and sometime just plain "oh", I am glad to see that so many women on hear have good understanding support teams, It is so important!! Also this website has helped me tons in really understanding what was/is wrong with me!!!
I told my husband everything. Every scary, crazy, irrational thought. All of it. It became a problem at the end, because I was using it as reassurance, which only fed my OCD. I found the combination of CBT and meds worked best. I did lots of other things too, like a PPD support group, an OCD support group etc…I would like this book to use as a reference and to lend to others. Now that I'm speaking out about it, I realize alot of women go through OCD and don't even know it.
2) If you had/have intrusive thoughts, did you share them with anyone and if so, who? If not, why not?
I shared it with a friend of my German PPD online support group, my husband and with my Therapist. I had them occasionally, but when I started to babysit a baby boy 4 month younger then my son, they started to come more often. I was overwhelmed by that boy crying, whining and not sleeping at all.I watched him for about 5 month but then just couldn't handle it no more.
1) If you had/have intrusive or scary thoughts, what is one thing you did/do to manage them, or reduce their impact on you?
I sang this little song while I rode my bike to work across the freeway. I had to take my mind off the easily climbable fence and the thoughts of my husband is a better parent and my daughter is better off with him. The song goes like this.
I like my bike, yes I do
I like my bike, it makes me fast
I like my bike, it makes me healthy
I like my bike, yes I do
(it had many different and often silly versus, but it got me across that bridge)
2) If you had/have intrusive thoughts, did you share them with anyone and if so, who? If not, why not?
Not until 15 weeks postpartum and then to my therapist on my first day. I've been slowly revealing my thoughts iwth my husband ever since. I wanted to not stress him out.
3) If you had a copy of Dropping the Baby & Other Scary Thoughts how would it help you to help yourself or others?
The more info the better. It would be part of my library of books that I lend out to various folks to educate them!
2) I'll never forget telling my mom, "She just won't be safe until she doesn't fit in the microwave anymore!" I didn't WANT to put her in the microwave, but I couldn't open the damn thing without thinking about how I *could* put her in the microwave. UGH
I didn't get help until she was 9 months old. Longest year of my life. Horrible, horrible, horrible. I think I'm just going to buy a stack of these books and pass them out to every new mother I see.
(She's 5-1/2 now and no longer fits in the microwave – we made it).
I told my mom about my anxiety and intrusive thoughts. My anxiety really took hold when I started to wean from nursing and I thought I was literally losing my mind. days without sleep, my heart pounding 24 hours a day. I lost weight, I was so scared, not aware of what was going on. It took a year and finally going to see a counselor that finally got the diagnosis right. I'm in a much better place. I still have thoughts just about PPD/PPA quite a bit so I still feel like I'm healing, but I no longer have thoughts of anything bad happening and no longer in a constant state of "freaking out"
This is wonderful! Congrats on writing the forward, and what a wonderful book to be a part of!
1) If you had/have intrusive or scary thoughts, what is one thing you did/do to manage them, or reduce their impact on you?
— My thoughts were more intrusive than scary, and I talked to my OB-Gyn and addressed a change in my meds, eventually. Otherwise I wrote a lot, to ensure that I didn't feel like I was keeping everything in all the time. It really helped. Too bad I wasn't blogging back then!
2) If you had/have intrusive thoughts, did you share them with anyone and if so, who? If not, why not?
— Mostly I spoke to my husband about my anxiety and thoughts. It was difficult for him to fully grasp it all. I did also talk to a friend of mine who suffered from severe PPD with her 2nd child, and I helped her through it without my own experience, so it was great to have her to check in on me without my even needing to reach out.
3) If you had a copy of Dropping the Baby & Other Scary Thoughts how would it help you to help yourself or others?
— I think it would be a great read for myself, as it's not something that just ends. Anxiety is there and for real. I also think that should we have another child having all the resources that exist available to me would be the ultimate way in supporting myself. And I'd love to have the book to help friends going through this experience, as well.
Thanks for the chance to win!
2) If you had/have intrusive thoughts, did you share them with anyone and if so, who? If not, why not?
Yes I had them & sometimes they come back at times to haunt me. I started out by telling my husband which thank God he understood & did not think that I was a complete looney. After seeking help of my therapist & psychiatrist I then learned that I had Postpartum OCD & have been getting much better after receiving much of their help & support & of course my medication & God which have helped me tremendously. I also told my mother about my intrusive thoughts & she has been supportive as well. As far as telling anyone else of my intrusive thoughts…? Couldn't do it. The only people that I felt comfortable mentioning my intrusive thoughts to were my doctors, hubby & my mother. I just thank God that I seeked help right away when I my intrusive thoughts started. I honestly do not know if I would have been here right now if It wouldn't have been for the support that I received. Thanks for giving us PP mothers Postpartum Progress as our support as well.
1) If you had/have intrusive or scary thoughts, what is one thing you did/do to manage them, or reduce their impact on you?
2) If you had/have intrusive thoughts, did you share them with anyone and if so, who? If not, why not?
I'm going to answer #1 and #2 together. I had intrusive thoughts, some of them were more than "thoughts" and more like vivid hallucinations. I didn't tell anyone about them for a long time because they scared the $#%#@ out of me. But finally I did start talking, to other moms who had had postpartum problems, and I realized they didn't mean I was crazy or that I wanted to hurt the baby or myself. It was only then that they lost their power over me. I think that's where a peer support, and bringing together mamas at all stages of their journey thorugh and out of PPMDs is so incredibly important.
3. As a clinical social worker, I would use the book to help as many woman as I could with the information. I've been to Karen's training for therapists and adore her!
Good grief this book would have been helpful about 9 months before I was diagnosed…when Eddie was BORN. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I wasn't acting mopey and sad (ahem…a mentos), but I wasn't RIGHT. I wanted to chuck Eddie into his crib to make him stop crying while at the same time I wanted to be the one who could make it better. I was losing my mind…or so I thought. I would have never GUESSED that this was actually *something* and something that could be fixed. I thought I was just not cut out to be a mom. If I had this book? I would have gotten help sooner–been a better mom sooner–been a better wife, friend, daughter, teacher SOONER.
If I have this book now? I will read it and review it on my book blog and probably give it away to another mom reader. Because the most important thing? Is talking about this so no one else sits there with thoughts of just leaving the baby at home like I did.
I have three kids, and have just started learning about intrusive thoughts. I was so relieved to find out that what I was experiencing had a name and that other people were experiencing it, too!! I have never had an urge to do anything to hurt any of my children, but I would see or hear about something horrible happening to a child (accident, molestation, abduction) and then couldn't stop imagining it happening to one of my children. It would be like a movie playing in my head that I couldn't stop. I have never told anyone about this because I was always afraid that someone would think that I wanted to do these things to my children. I have been in therapy for a long time for depression, but never told my psychiatrist or psychologist because I was afraid they would think that my children were in danger and tell someone else. And from what I hear about even doctors not knowing about this condition, I have to say that I still don't feel comfortable telling anyone.
Intrusive thoughts…something I don't tell people because how are they intrusive to me? They are in my own head I must be thinking them therefore I must be doing this to myself therefore I must be crazy…after reading the title of the book I remembered one of my recurring intrusive thoughts…"Do baby's bounce when you drop them…?"
This book is definitely very good. I have never had any intrusive thoughts, and probably because I have read this book before birth and lots more so I am fully educated and aware of this disorder.
Thanks for the awesome post and comments.
I am a mother of three and a Clinical Social Worker. I seems like I can't get my hands on enough information about perinatal mental health! It is scary how little professionals really know about postpartum OCD. I work with many young mothers and this book would be helpful to them as well as my colleagues. It would not have time to collect dust on my shelf.
Hi Katherine – I might have missed the drawing, but here goes. I am a NJ LPC, and my practice focuses on couples counseling and the emotions of pregnancy & birth. I have been in this field for fifteen years, in many capacities. I had some depressive episodes in my life, including PPD. I now see many women with PPD and PPOCD as well as women who generally combat depression and anxiety/OCD in general. Sometimes after a traumatic birth women intensely get PP OCD..they tell me they are afraid to take their eyes off the baby as they are afraid s/he will disappear. And/or they clean the house incessantly, in between being terrified abt what a bad mom they are. I would use the book in my practice big time, and also to help shape the Warrior Moms support group. Thanks!
I am so sorry you have been having these thoughts for so long! My opinion is that because you waited a little while it may take some time to feel Better. Please try to be easy on yourself..in time you will heal! I had ppd after our first child and had ppocd and anxiety after our second. I am much better now….in therapy and take medication….with time it does get better…I feel like I have healed. Still little thoughts here and there but I am learning how to handle them. My prayers are with you that you will be healed soon. great for you that you reached out on line! God bless you….be gentle with yourself, continue therapy and medication and with time you will feel better…you are taking the right steps!,,,, Tammy
My reply was to Julie…not Jill. God bless you all.
Try to find therapists who specialize in ppd and ppocd…..they should understand the thoughts. I know it's scary. I use to have to try to explain that this is "normal" to therapists, then I found one who worked with women who dealt with it.
That was reply to crazy mama
Tammy