Authenticity Instead of Perfection

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decoy momAuthenticity is defined as real, not false or imitation. Original. Genuine. This is what we should strive for as women, as mothers, as people. To be that which we are deep down instead of cookie cutter copies of those around us. It’s only when we dare to step out of our comfort zone that we will boldly begin to live our lives. Strive for authenticity instead of perfection. Dare to be you, even if that means walking around with spit up on your shoulder and gummy bears stuck to your shirt. Motherhood isn’t glamourous but it’s one of the best jobs in the whole world.

Colorful jars sit atop a shelf in a misty and humid room. Running water slides down her skin as she lathers up with the latest in moisturizing body wash which promises to make her skin glow with youth. She washes her hair with shampoo and conditioner to make it thick, silky, and soft.

As she exits the shower, the drying process begins – softly – so as not to leave any red marks or heaven forbid, pull skin in the wrong direction. Pat the face dry then move down to her toes. She folds the towel in thirds and places it neatly back on the rod before she wraps her hair in a smaller towel.

Grabbing a toothbrush, she measures out the whitening toothpaste and gets to work. Rinses, then gargles with mouthwash to ensure bad breath stays at bay. Then, moisturizer. While that soaks in, she puts on her undergarments. A bra with an underwire and underwear that promises to hold in her stomach which has nurtured the lives of her children close for the past few years. She frowns. Back to the bathroom.

She reaches for the first layer of glow, then dots on concealer. Waits for it to dry before applying an overall foundation and gently blending it together to hide the exhaustion and stress marching across her face. Next up, eye liner and eye shadow. They make the eyes more open and energetic. Mascara goes on next, gently, the kind that lengthens the lashes because again, more awake and conscious. Less tired.

Then she puts on blush to cheer her cheeks up, smiling as she carefully brushes up, not down – happy, not sad, she whispers to herself.

She takes down her hair and gives it a tousle. Plugs in the hair dryer and gives her hair a once over, then pulls it into a messy bun and pokes a pretty bobby pin with a gorgeous flower on it into the base of the bun. Walks into the closet and chooses whatever isn’t wrinkled or covered in baby food stains. Grabs a pretty pair of heels then over to the jewelry box to select accessories.

A small hand tugs on her silk skirt and she looks down.

“Mama? You look beee-yooo-tea-fahllll. Hug?” her middle daughter asks, covered in chocolate from whatever snack she just finished devouring.

So the mother leans down and gives the child a hug, knowing she will have to change her clothes. She sends her daughter on her way, and walks back into the closet, stripping as she goes. A new outfit selected, she makes it to the car with no child-induced stains on her pretty clothes.

She turns the key, unlocks the door, and slides into the driver’s seat, throwing her miniature purse on the passenger seat beside her. Exhaling, she checks her makeup one last time to be sure she looks human and not like some exhausted creature just waking up from hibernation. She doesn’t. She turns the key, starts the music, and backs out of the driveway.

Transformation into Decoy Mom complete.

Decoy Mom is a mom who goes through great lengths to hide how her life is really going, to hide the authenticity of her fight. Every stitch must be perfect, every thing in it’s place, nothing negative to be found anywhere. And yet, inside, everything is falling apart. Her heart, her life, her soul – it’s all cracked and crumbling.

I’m not saying that a Mom who has it all pulled together is definitively falling apart. Nor am I saying that a Mom who doesn’t have it all pulled together is authentically herself. What I am saying is that we are all “covers” when we are with people and some of us are even “covers” when we are alone. As the previous post by Katherine pointed out, you can’t tell when a mom has a Perinatal Mood & Anxiety Disorder just by looking. We are good at hiding it.

We choose what pieces of ourselves to share and what pieces of ourselves to hide. We are not expected to be fully authentic with anyone unless WE choose to do so. But we should absolutely be at least fully sharing ourselves with ourselves. In order to be authentic with anyone at all, you have to first be authentic with yourself. Being authentic with yourself is a difficult practice but a necessary one. As Brene Brown says,

“Authenticity is a daily practice.”

Stop hiding behind a mask, telling yourself lies about who or what you are inside and outside. Take a hard look inside. Explore. Make a list of everything that is there whether it is good or bad. Work to improve or re-frame the bad (sometimes, negative traits can be utilized for positive things – are you firm & harsh? Figure out how to rein that in by using compassion and understanding). Expand the good, let go of the negative. Focus on flipping the script.

Figure out what you want out of life this year, make a list, then break it down into smaller goals. Don’t let the big things overwhelm you and don’t let yourself become Decoy Mom.

Be the authentic Mom, wife, sister, cousin, aunt, and YOU that you were meant to be. Stop hiding her under layers of crap. You might find that you have more time (and energy) to BE you if you give up all the hiding.

(photo sourced from: https://flic.kr/p/dy8tQr)

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About Lauren Hale

Lauren Hale tells it like it is about Perinatal Mood & Anxiety Disorders over at My Postpartum Voice. She is also the founder of #PPDChat, an online Twitter & FB Community dedicated to supporting moms on their journey by harnessing the power of the Internet. You can find her on Twitter @unxpctdblessing.

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  1. Holy moly, Lauren! This is a good one. A really, really good one. I can’t tell you how much my life has changed for the better when I chose to be authentic. It’s a daily practice like you say, and it’s hard. Yes, I still like pretty clothes and make-up, but when I’m not feeling like it or I’m too tired to be that cute girl I have been before, I know it’s okay to say screw it and be how I really feel in that moment. Tired exhausted, hanging on by a thread. I want to be able to say that out loud and I do now. You are inspiring other mamas to do the same.

  2. Holy moly, Lauren! This is a good one. A really, really good one. I can’t tell you how much my life has changed for the better when I chose to be authentic. It’s a daily practice like you say, and it’s hard. Yes, I still like pretty clothes and make-up, but when I’m not feeling like it or I’m too tired to be that cute girl I have been before, I know it’s okay to say screw it and be how I really feel in that moment. Tired exhausted, hanging on by a thread. I want to be able to say that out loud and I do now. You are inspiring other mamas to do the same.