I am currently in month two of my most recent encounter with antidepressants. I’ve gone on and off the pills three different times since 2008, each time hoping that I’d be able to live without medication. After my latest depressive episode a few months ago, I finally understood that I may never be healthy without medication. All through both of my run-ins with postpartum depression, I looked forward to the day when it would be over and I could go back to life as I knew it. That day hasn’t come, and I’m finally making peace with the fact that I might be waiting forever.
It’s not that I have any problem with antidepressants; the reason I suppose I’ve struggled with this realization is I always thought that once the PPD was gone, I’d be good. But it’s looking like the undiagnosed depression I suffered from through most of high school and off and on through my early 20s is riding hard on the heels of the PPD I had with my second son. So even though my PPD might well be done with, I am still not whole.
As frustrating as that knowledge is, I have learned to see the silver lining. PPD, or any mood disorder for that matter, is debilitating. As with a parasite, an untreatedperinatal mood or anxiety disordercan rage within its host, destroying all hope of happiness, sucking the very life out of its victim. I know that feeling all too well. However, as with every negative situation in life, PPD does have its benefits, for lack of a better word.
Right now, I’m feeling better than I have in months. I am more present in my life, my energy is up significantly from just a few weeks ago, I can laugh, I can cry (but an appropriate amount–not the kind of crying where I have to stay in bed for two hours after because it hurts to open my eyes), sex feels good, food isn’t a crutch, and best of all, I can feel hope. And with this mental clarity, I am able to see and appreciate what PPD has given me.
A greater sympathy for all mothers. I don’t think any woman can truthfully say she’s never looked at a mother and thought to herself, “Well, she’s doing that wrong.” Whatever “that” may be, women have a tendency to judge other women, and when we become mothers, the gloves really come off. It’s kind of an inexplicable tendency, but I chalk it up to insecurity. Personally, I know I judge other women the most on those days when I feel like a terrible mother myself. As bad as it sounds, comparing myself to another mother and coming out on top makes me feel better about myself. I’m not proud to admit that, but there it is.
PPD radically changed my outlook. I can no longer look at a mother struggling with an uncooperative child in the grocery store and think, “Geez, lady, can’t you shut that kid up?” I’ve been in that situation a couple times, and it was literally all I could do not to run screaming out of the store, leaving my cart behind (with my kid in it, mind you). I am now better equipped to understand that mother and feel deeply for her.
A keener eye for detail. I see things post-PPD that used to completely escape me. Editing papers is almost easy for me now, because mistakes literally jump off the page (I’m talking about other people’s work, not mine. Editing my own work is still hard as hell). I see colors differently, if you can believe it. They’re brighter, I think. I am more likely to pick up subtle nuances in the tone of someone’s voice.
Most noticeably, my people skills are much better. I can tell when someone is hurting or embarrassed, when someone wants to not be where they are or needs someone to talk to. My emotions were all I had for months on end; I couldn’t see anything else. Analyzing every word said and every gesture made by those around me–to pick up clues as to how they felt about me–gave me a very fine sense for changes in tone and body language, and I’ve put that to good use.
An intense appreciation for life exactly as it exists right now. PPD took months, years, hours, days, minutes from me that I will never be able to get back. I don’t remember a lot of my first son’s first year. All I have are pictures and videos, which I am grateful for. After I recovered from that round of PPD, I was so overjoyed. I remember almost every nanosecond of that summer with my husband and my son, the summer before I got pregnant with baby #2. I was happy beyond my own belief. But still, I felt bad about myself for not being in better shape. I wanted nicer clothes, a bigger house. Then the depression came back, and all I wanted was to feel anything.
Today, I am in a good place. I cry with gratitude on almost a daily basis for everything that I’ve been given, everything that I managed to hold on to even as I stumbled in the dark. But now, I know that things will not always be so good. Even if I keep the depression at bay, the world will still move around me. People will die, will fall out of love, will grow up and go to college, will become different. Things will change, and that I cannot stop.
But I can control me, in this moment, even if this moment of control is fleeting. I can be happy, right this second. And I am.
PPD has given me that, at least.
Thanks for this post. I have just started taking anti-depressants after finally admitting to myself that I am suffering with depression. I believe it is PPD (even though my youngest is already 2 1/2) and I believe it has been with me on and off for many years.
The description of how you feel now gives me great hope that I too will start to feel some sort of normal in the near future.
Great post – yes, I find that there is a small blessing in disguise of PPD. For me PPD (and anxiety and OCD) was the straw that broke the camel's back in terms of undiagnosed depression since well before high school. Its a long road, but I feel my exploration of all of this is making me a stronger person, parent and wife. I'm off the pills now (preggers!) but if I have to go back on, I've made peace with it. A virtual hug to you. Thank you 🙂
Hi again and thanks for this post –
I am humbled by your ability to be so frank in your posts. I think the depression I suffered when I had my child helped me mature my compassion for others, helped stretch my boundaries and become a better mother and person in general. I had suffered depression before, it is humbling, and postpartum has the responsibility of a sweet baby built right into it. But my depression was treatable, the result of life challenges and temperament, I now think. But the episodes do lift, with treatment and personal work, and are now life experiences to draw upon, made me who I am, forever changed, with more emotional depth, stronger as a person, the feelings do change.
"Analyzing every word said and every gesture made by those around me–to pick up clues as to how they felt about me–gave me a very fine sense for changes in tone and body language, and I’ve put that to good use."
Isn't that the truth!! Your whole post resonates, but this really stands out for me, especially the part about body language. A lot of moms mention analyzing every word said by others, but not so much the gestures. Thanks!
Thank you. This is beautiful. I so, so agree with you. Surviving PPD has changed my complete outlook on life. Another huge benefit that came out of my PPD was my son's relationship with his daddy. My hubbie had to step up to the plate, big-time, to help me out more than we both expected. My son is now 2.5 and my hubbie is a confident, hands-on and wonderful dad.
I agree… I was just recently thinking how, in the long run, I think PPD will make me a better mom. Am I GLAD I had it? NO. Do I wish I never had it? YES. But the fact of the matter is, I DID have PPD and I've learned a lot about myself, and motherhood, in the process. It has also opened my eyes to the different struggles of other moms.
I couldn't have said it any better. Hats off to you…!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. When I first read the title, my instinct was a loud NO WAY! After my 1st battle w/ depression (sans child), I know I found the benefits. But w/ my PPD, I got pregnant again so fast that I never got over before I had Antepartum Depression or just leftover PPD or whatever. Regardless, it has been a seriously long 13 months and I can't wait to deliver this baby next month so I can go back on my meds and find all those glorious things about life that you spoke of. Thank you, thank you for the light in the darkness to remind me that this is not forever.
I will likely be on my meds for a long, long time to come, and that is finally ok with me….because I am not constantly in a frenzy of worry. I don't obsess all.the.time. There is something to be said for finally feeling "in control" of my head.
My therapist said at one point that I wasn't having a breakdown, but a breakthrough. This changed my perspective on having a mood disorder and that POV shift continues to this day.
My life changed more than I could ever begin to imagine after having PPOCD, as is evidenced by this blog I think. (!) Most of it good, even though I wouldn't want to return to that hell for even one millisecond, nor would I wish it on my worst enemy. I totally understand what you are saying Alexis.
I loved this post today!!! Thank you.
You don't have to stay off meds because you are pregnant. Check out Mass. General Hospital's Women's Health pages.
I'm not completely off meds. I work w/ 2 awesome APRNs for my therapy/meds and a midwife who defies adjectives! They agreed that I needed to be on my meds (tried to go off, didn't work.) Anti-dep is @ half my non-preggers does. Could go up, but *I* am the one choosing not to (out of total fear of messing up the baby, to be honest!) Anti-anxiety, though, is off the table according to midwife, who I trust deeply.
Thank you for this post. I absolutely agree with you. While I first began taking an antidepressant for PPD, I am still on it 5 years later. I realize now that I probably needed to be on one all along, even pre-children.
For me, the biggest difference is that now I don't dread fall (which in turn leads to a long, bleak New England winter), and I can appreciate the changing of the seasons.
Great post! Thank you for your honest and open writing. I can truly appreciate this because my oldest "baby" turned 4 on the 15th :). I am thankful for pictures and videos with both of my boys because a lot of those memories don't exist or are very fuzzy.
I'm glad that you're finally in a place where you're receiving treatment. And I'm confident that if you continue on that path and make it a point to take care of yourself, you will find that sense of normalcy you crave.
Thank you for bringing up your husband–I feel the exact same way about mine. I know he would have been a great dad no matter what, but I'm positive that all the extra time he's spent with our sons while I was unable to get out of bed has given them an unbreakable bond.
Having PPD was probably the worst thing that ever happened to me. But learning to find the good in all that negativity has really helped me to grow as a woman, wife, and mother. It's the only way I've been able to make peace with all the life I feel I was robbed of as a result of depression.
You'll be in my thoughts, and I hope you start feeling better really soon.
Sounds like you have a great therapist there–that is such a good way to describe the realization you've made. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for your post. Yes, there is light. My absolute favorite quote is, "There is a Light in this world…a healing spirit much stronger than any darkness we may encounter. We sometimes lose sight of this force…where there is suffering, too much pain. And suddenly the spirit will emerge… through the lives of ordinary people and answer in extraordinary ways." – Mother Teresa
I’ve always resented the fact that I need medication. Something my therapist told me that really helped was, “I’ve seen people who are delusional and I’ve seen people who have seizures. There’s no rationally controlling either one once they start but medication can prevent both.” I’d never judge someone taking medication for seizures the way I judge myself for taking psychiatric medication. And, oddly enough, many of the medications I’ve been on are also used to treat seizures.
well stated – and yes – colors! and creativity, and love for grocery store kids and their moms, empathy for more. and more.